Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

@HappyasLaura

Ah it's so difficult for both of you. Maybe talk to him and say you understand how bad about himself he's feeling but it won't be forever. Encourage him to power though and look at options for returning to work when the time is right. Maybe there's something he could be doing that could go on his CV? Just to help him keep a sense of himself.

To those saying show the post to him so he can see he is being unreasonable, this was actually one of my motivations for starting the thread as I did feel that he was being unreasonable but wanted to garner some objective viewpoints.

But he feels pretty bad that he doesn’t have a job; he comes from a family of high fliers and being unemployed and knowing the pressure is on me doesn’t sit well with him. If anything this thread has made me realise that I need to be more mindful of how he feels about our (his) current situation. He’d give anything to be at work and providing for his family.

(By the way, I’m having an abnormally quiet work day today, the first this year, so I don’t normally spend my working day on mumsnet when my husband is busy homeschooling)
I really appreciate all the views, normally I’m a bit wary of posting in AIBU but this has been really constructive for me and how I’m thinking about everything.

Just seen that you're the working parent op. Fortunately my post still stands. I think he is being unreasonable.

I think the problem is that when you don't leave the house to go to work, it's easy for the other person to expect you to be "there" and doing things other than your paid work. I think the person working in the office should be left to get on with their work, as long as they ARE working and not hiding up there playing games. The other person should do the home schooling and some of the housework. After work hours, both parents should share what needs to be done. The home schooling and child care should be looked on as the main job, just as office work is the other person's job. Household chores should be shared by all adults in the house.

@allThumbWitchesAbroad
yes I think you’ve nailed it here.

I had a feeling you were the working parent in this scenario op. What does your DH want to happen? He cant get a job and you are working to keep the wheels turning, you know that he wants a job but at the moment this isnt an option.

The crux of this is that he doesnt want to be a SAHP and resents all of it whilst being jealous that you are working and "hide in your office all day".

There are no winners in this but your DH needs to stop wallowing in self pity and be an adult. There is nothing you can do to change the status quo at the moment.

@HappyasLaura

Ok so in fact I am the working parent. I was actually trying to make sure I presented a balanced view. Because he does do everything during the week but he thinks I should be doing more. Spending fewer hours in my home office etc.

Don’t get me wrong my husband generally is fab, we have a great relationship but the currently situation grates a bit. He’d prefer to be working, has found himself an accidental SAHP, I’m working a job I don’t love. I’d happily trade with him and indeed he’d happily trade with me but at the moment things are what they are.
I do feel a bit hard done by when he tells me that I’m not pulling my weight. Maybe if the situation were different, ie he was a SAHM by choice and I was the sole earlier by choice, it would be different.

I caveat all of the above that I’m aware that we are in a better situation than most people but as with everything, it’s something that bothers me a bit on a day to day basis so I wanted to see if I was being unreasonable.

I guessed that you were the WAHP. I do think it's a shitty situation because you're both not doing what you'd prefer to do - it doesn't matter if the actual situation isn't so bad in itself.

I’d watch yout words. Don’t use the term stay at home mum when referring to him as you did on here. He’s a stay at home parent.

I’d agree with the others, he’s simoly not enjoying the current situation. You’re doing your bit but that doesn’t change the fact he hates it.

If the parent is working all day then can’t do the bulk of the chores or parenting.
You also contradict what you say as you say it’s a full on job but then sat hide away in the office as if doesn’t need to be there .
Jeez you can’t expect someone working all day long to do the majority of the housework when the other is not working at all . This parent may be at home but is working .

SAHP is being unreasonable. Obviously their life is harder than when the one DC was in school, but way easier than parent 2 who is working hard and still helping out with bedtime and housework.

@HappyasLaura

Ok so in fact I am the working parent. I was actually trying to make sure I presented a balanced view. Because he does do everything during the week but he thinks I should be doing more. Spending fewer hours in my home office etc.

Don’t get me wrong my husband generally is fab, we have a great relationship but the currently situation grates a bit. He’d prefer to be working, has found himself an accidental SAHP, I’m working a job I don’t love. I’d happily trade with him and indeed he’d happily trade with me but at the moment things are what they are.
I do feel a bit hard done by when he tells me that I’m not pulling my weight. Maybe if the situation were different, ie he was a SAHM by choice and I was the sole earlier by choice, it would be different.

I caveat all of the above that I’m aware that we are in a better situation than most people but as with everything, it’s something that bothers me a bit on a day to day basis so I wanted to see if I was being unreasonable.

Is he unable to find a job at the moment? Or given the home schooling situation will he be able to in the near future? Being a SAHP only works if both parents are on the same page with it, if he’s reluctant you need to find a different way of doing things

He's being unreasonable (and I would say that if you were the SAHP) When my husband was a SAHD, he did all that and more. You are working 11 hours a day. How could you contribute any more?

So the SAHP is pissed off with being a SAHP but as a result of the whole home schooling situation isn't in a position to change the situation because getting a job with childcare/homeschooling responsibilities is basically impossible. It probably feels more impossible because working parent is closeted away so the prospect of tag teaming to cover childcare/schooling and a job for them appears non existent. Plus fear of losing the bird in the hand job by stretching everything too thin.

Being an accidental SAHP really sucks, and long hours corporate jobs are really sucky to work around as you know you'll be doing all the childcare drop offs and pick ups limiting hours and location both absolutely and in relation to each other - long commute limits hours but jobs locally limited by nature of the residential area.

Both parties think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, breeding resentment

When I was a stay at home parent I did everything for the children, all the housework on weekdays and all the cooking. The only thing my exh did daily was read to the kids (aka the nice bit) plus he did clean the bath on the grounds I never used it (i shower!). The child isn't a toddler that can't be left for 10 mins, the electronic babysitter is a wonderful device to get a break

The problem is neither of you want to be in the roles you are in. He's taking it out on you and you feel resentment back. Have you told him how it makes you feel when he says you're not pulling your weight? I think you have to talk about this and if it can't be changed now then a plan for how it can change in the not too distant future and the things you can start doing (if anything) to get that ball rolling. Communication is really key.

SAHP should be doing home schooling and most housework. As working parent does bedtime and laundry this seems reasonable to me.

Parent 1 (so you i guess op) is being unreasonable. P1 is a SAHP to one child of what 6years old? That is your job, P2 helps with bedtime/bath time and I hope pulls their weight at the weekend? What more can you expect them to do? They are at work.

Is your DH actively applying for jobs OP? If so, that's a "chore" you left out of your description of the split of roles, and it can be quite time consuming. Does he maybe feel that he's stuck in his current unhappy situation because he doesn't have enough time to devote to finding a way out (ie a new job)? I can see how that might add to the resentment.

@Playnoh

Parent 1 (so you i guess op) is being unreasonable. P1 is a SAHP to one child of what 6years old? That is your job, P2 helps with bedtime/bath time and I hope pulls their weight at the weekend? What more can you expect them to do? They are at work.

Wrong.

Pretty much what @ThumbWitchesAbroad said, she's usually right 😊

Is DH looking for a a job? Would you be supportive of it/him if he got one? Or do you not want him to until things are more back to normal? Or would you be happy to resign/go PT, if he got a job?

Could you change some small things that might make both of you a little bit less fed up & resentful?

Could you maybe cook at the weekends snd could he maybe stop going on about you locking yourself away and appreciate you need to do, what you need to do?

Could you all go fit a walk together at lunchtime.

Could you do little things for each other that don't take much time//effort but make each other feel loved/appreciated?

Small changes can make big differences and it's good to do it before the resentment build beyond repair

My apologies I just saw you are the working parent. The stay at home parent is bu.

Presumably parent 2 is financially responsible for the family? If so, i'd suggest parent 1 sucks it up. Would always be nice for labour to be evenly split, but these aren't normal times and not all employers are accommodating of family lockdown difficulties.
To be honest, i'd give my left leg to be either parent in this scenario!

@Bluntness100

The stay at home parent. It sounds like the working Parent is up first, working first, works solidly, does bedtime, does the washing, does the beds, tidies at weekend. Parent twos job is the child and home.

Accusing the working parent of “hiding away” when they are working is a bit shitty.

agree

which doesn't mean they aren't tired and fed up and want a break. But then I expect the working parent feels that way too.
That is because of Covid, and we all feel that way

I'm glad I'm single when I read threads like this.

Obviously I'm having to do everything the SAHP does on top of my full time job, but it's on my terms and I have no resentment I'm just fucking knackered and missing adult contact

@HappyasLaura

Would it change anything if I said that Parent 1 worked in a corporate job themselves for years, worked very hard, long hours etc. (We met at work) As did parent 2 but parent 2 took a step back to be a SAHP for a good few years and went back to work 3 years ago (slightly different field so less pressure, less brutal hours but still plenty of pressure and long hours if that makes sense)

Parent 1 was made redundant last year just prior to the pandemic and haven’t been able to find a job.
Therefore The SAHP hasn’t always been a SAHP and is not currently one by choice.
However theoretically this shouldn’t change anything since these are the roles both parents find themselves in, irrespective of whether it’s by choice or not.

The only thing that may change is if parent 1 is actively trying to find work. That can be a part time job in itself. But tbh the 90 mins in the gym every day would have to go before anything else did!!