Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

Parent 1 being unreasonable both are pulling there weight there both busy just parent 1 doesn't like what they do .

Only possible thing is both parens don't realise the demands of each others roles and have gone into competitiveness hard done by mode

It looks pretty equal to me.
I’m not usually one for misery Olympics but both should be bloody grateful neither are trying to work and homeschool simultaneously and both have daily exercise time without the child. I mean that genuinely, every time each gets pissed off they should imagine if they had to do school and work at the same time or if they had to take their child on their walks / into the home gym.

With one 6/7 year old and no job I'd only be expecting the working parent to cook occasionally and join in big tasks that require two people. Makes sense to do laundry during the day. (I mean housework - good to continue with bedtimes when they've been at work all day).
Lots of people are homeschooling and working simultaneously, so hard to garner sympathy for people who only have to do one or the other.

I think the SAHP is being unreasonable

I’d say the SAHP is being unreasonable and needs to remember that some parents are having to do all that they do and work.

But then I could be bitter because I’m doing everything both of those parents are doing, alone and with 3 x the number of kids.

The situation is shit and that division of labour sounds more than fair.

Sahp needs to be bloody thankful they don't get up as early as the working parent.

Other than that, look at who does what, who gets free time when and see if there are some jobs that can be swapped around a bit for a change. Look at what you are grateful to the other parent for and tell each other. Sounds like you are both becoming miserable "bastards" due to routine stuff and could do with a break or change or refocus.

SAHP is being unreasonable.

One parent is working a 11 hour day and still doing bedtime. SAHP gets 90mins in the gym and no bedtime everyday so plenty of time to unwind after homeschooling, dinner etc.

All of the house and child related work is the SAHPs responsibility while the working parent is taking care of the money side of things - that’s a given.
The question is really this - is someone sitting on their bum relaxing while the other parent is still “on shift”?
It doesn’t sound like it if the working parent largely takes over child stuff after dinner while the other parent presumably clears up the kitchen etc?
Is everything split evenly at the weekend? What does “a big of tidying” mean?

Nobody’s being unreasonable. This whole situation sucks big hairy balls. If the working parent was out of the home, working in an office then the SAHP couldn’t complain really. There would be no choice. Seeing somebody WFH and not mucking in is an unreal situation. It sucks. Cut each other some slack. I’m a SAHP but I’d say remember the WFH keeps the roof over everyone’s head. What happens if that job disappears? You’re all fucked. So bear that in mind before you add to the pressure. We’ve all got to hunker down, suck it down and just get through it. Stop being super coping SAHP. My kids have watched two hours of Netflix this morning rather than homeschool. Who cares. Buy in ready meals. Can’t remember the last time the beds got changed or the carpets got hoovered. Nobody cares. Nobody’s visiting. Stop fighting over housework. Stop doing it. Stick a few antibac wipes round. Wash the dishes that need doing. That’s it. Kids don’t need bathing every night. Twice a week. Lower all the standards. Nobody’s winning a Nobel prize for housework.

Sounds like a fair split to me as well. I would hope that "jobs" are divided 50/50 at weekends.

I guess I'm also thinking that as a SAHP with a Year 2 child, the SAHP's job is generally (when they are not homeschooling) much less demanding than the WOHP's 11 hour day plus picking up home activities in the evening. So if they possibly have it a little bit harder now, it does more than balance with all the times they have it a lot easier.

If you flip it round to normal circumstances- a SAHP with one child at school and a WOHP with a full on corporate job- there no contest is there? The SAHP clearly has it easier.
The issue seems to be that the SAHP’s daily routine has temporarily become more demanding. But that’s a temporary situation. Schools will re open. Ironically the WOHP perhaps has it a tad easier because they s/he only needs to roll into the home office by 7:30 am rather than having to commute to be in the office by that hour.
The SAHP in this scenario really needs to take a look at the usual picture.

Sounds pretty fair, tbh. Things are pretty crap at the moment, we’re all struggling I think.

Have you got your numbers the wrong way round or are you really saying that the person holding down the tough corporate job and bringing in all the income also does the morning routine with the kids and daily housework?
If that is correct then the stay at home parent is being extremely unreasonable!

*kid not kids

Nobody’s winning a Nobel prize for housework

Quote of the year. I am going to steal this one, @bombastical - love it!

Neither and both, probably both frustrated by the situation. SAHP probably feeling isolated and craving adult company at some point - missing the brief social encounters at the school gate, gym classes (guessing from existence of home gym) but also the solitude of a quiet house with just chores to do without considering the noise of other people.

SAHP is particularly isolated because with a Y2 child they're in charge of all day they can't meet up with friends under English rules.

My DH works full time and I don't (prioritised one job as the plan was part time school plus random closures likely so difficult to find a job around that) and it's very isolating not having a job at the moment. Having someone stressed out in a home office puts a brooding presence in the house and makes you so conscious of noise and keeping the kids out of the way!

It's a difficult one but I think if parent 2 had to work in the office, parent 1 would still have to do what they are doing now (possibly for longer taking into account commute times).

I think the key is what is parent 2 doing during days off/weekends? I think a nice balance would be parent 2 cooking dinner at weekends occasionally or maybe parent 2 can take on another chore (ie the bins)

Aside from that I think it's fairly balanced.

Parent 1 does seem to get their fair share of daily rest time and Parent 2 is entitled to a little bit of rest time too.

SAHP has a cushy life... The child is in year 2 - so 6/7 years old
Only one child...

Complaining about someone doing a full time job - who also does washing and stuff?? and begrudging one hour walk?

I'm with the working parent

Accusing the working parent of “hiding away” when they are working is a bit shitty
Absolutely this. Presumably they are in the home office, working, to provide the income keep the family financial afloat?

Probably neither.

The WFH parent does laundry and bedtime on top of an 11 hour workday. The only available time to parent for WFH is after workday ends, and WFH therefore does bedtime. Parenting during the only time one can is not opting out of parenting.

Question for me is what happens at the weekend?

I was a SAHP with DH working a full-on, full-time job. I did everything (all of the unpaid labour) while he worked a lot of hours in his paid job.

DH always did breakfast and sometimes bedtime.

The magic happened at the weekend when he took over the bulk of childcare, to allow him to spend as much time as possible with the kids. I still did all of the laundry, cooking cleaning etc, but had a little more time to myself, because the kids were busy with their dad.

How do the weekends work for you?

SAHP is unreasonable. The working parent is doing a full on job all day, doing bed time and all washing , bed changing etc. What more could they do?

Really horrid to hear someone describing a FT working parent in a corporate job as "hiding". To me it sounds that they do their fair share absolutely. To work all day then do a share of the household jobs in the evening and do bedtime is fantastic by MN usual standards.....

I totally understand that life's a bit crap right now - but it did make me smile a bit reading this and sensing the frustration of the SAHP - because I am doing the role of Parent 1 and 2 right now with 3 school aged kids. I dont have another parent to get angry at for not pulling their weight nor do I have a spare 90 mins to go in the home gym.... my treadmills gathering dust :)

SAHP is being a bit of a knob. If WFH FT is so easy they can get a job and let WFH parent do the SAHP for a while?

I WFH and finish around 18:30 so comparable. If i were then doing the bed time routine and the washing i'd be wanting to know what SAHP was doing all day?

But i get that the grass does look greener and i hated being a SAHP (which is why i got back on the corporate treadmill with all the extra stress that brings)

I think it's interesting that the OP minimises Parent 2 as "doing all the washing" as not very much, but makes a big deal of Parent 1 "doing all the housework". If "all the housework" is more than about 40 minutes a day with 2 adults and a 7 year old, perhaps they need to readjust their standards.

Sounds like the SAHP needs a bit of a reality check about what ‘working from home’ means.