Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

I don't think either parent is being unreasonable but there are ways to make it a bit more manageable.
Such as working parent doing lunch and then go for a walk in the evening instead. It sounds like SAHP isn't getting much chance to have downtime especially given its not really from choice so it's finding the balance.

SAHP isn't getting much chance to have downtime

with a Y2 child, there's plenty of downtime possible. Even if you leave them in front of the tv for 1 hour or something.

SAHP is unreasonable

Thanks for all the comments.
To answer a few questions, if he got a job, he would earn double what I do. So as the higher earner, I’d happily quit, or go part time if possible (probably not); at the least I would recognise that it would be on me to juggle homeschooling and work rather than him. I’d have it worse than I do now if I was trying to do both (to this that are doing both, I salute you) but I suppose knowing I could quit if I wanted might alleviate some of the pressure.
My husband is looking for a job, albeit half heartedly. He said he tried when he first got made redundant, reached out to all the usual institutions, got nowhere so now thinks there is little point. He’s a bit demotivated and demoralised. He keeps an eye on on LinkedIn and fires off a few applications occasionally but that’s about it. I definitely resent this and if I’m honest I have been fairly vocal about it.
I don’t however resent him having some downtime every day at the gym as I recognise that it’s good for his mental health to do something that he loves. Just as he doesn’t resent me going out for walks in the evening as he gets the TV to himself for a while. I only go for an hour or so anyway.
We do share the load at weekends, with only one child we have plenty of down time each and time as a family.
I think on reflection, that we should take some of the advice they dish out at my child’s school and just be a bit kinder to each other at the moment. It’s tough for both of us. (And far tougher for most)

*to those

SAHP should do pretty much all of the housework and childcare, as they should while the working parent is usually out of the house at work. If I read it right SAHP doesn't usually pull their weight (shall we say as a female SAHP would tend to do?) and is also able to have plenty of gym time. I'm really surprised that some think otherwise. The working parent is working 7.30 am - 6.30 pm, the SAHP should be prepared to put in a similar amount of working hours.

I feel like the work load seems quite fair. Judged by each parent's free time.
But what really matters is both parents' feelings here.
As the still-working, still-earning parent, perhaps OP could try to appreciate how never seeing another adult, and not having much of a future perspective, and having lost one's 'job identity' feels to the other parent. When he says it feels like OP has 'checked out of parenting' he probably means to say 'I need you, I'm lonely, it doesn't feel like we are a team anymore, I'm going slowly mad here'.
In turn OP could let the other parent know more explicitly that she feels stressed by an un-loved job, and stressed by the responsibility of having to ensure the only income keeps coming in.
Then you can both sit down together and discuss, not who is being most unreasonable (would that be the point of showing him this thread? To prove your point? How would that improve anything?), but how you can move on from here. Each of you needs to understand what exactly the other is struggling with (hint: it is not the hours of work in numbers). And then together you can figure out ways to make things better for both of you.
One thing I would look at is lunchtime. Personally if WFH-DP did not spend his lunchbreak with me and the kids I would feel strongly that he was 'checking out' from family life. Things may be different for you guys, but I do see some potential here. Would spending free time with your child and partner at lunch not feel like a break to you OP?
Perhaps you as a couple (or as a family) need to find something like a project, even if it's small, just something that makes you both feel like a team again, rather than one of you feeling like they have all the responsibility and pressure and work, and the other feeling like they've been relegated to the job of unpaid housekeeper and nanny.

Parent one sounds very lazy and seems to want it even easier.

The sahp is obviously being unreasonable. The wahp is working long hours, and looking after one primary school aged child is hardly hard work. I presume that the sahp is used to having the school day free, so might find lockdown difficult, but that isn't the wahp's fault. The sahp needs to pull their weight for this short period, and then they can go back to their normal cushy life when the schools re-open.

I suspect the SAHP is finding it hard to adjust to being a SAHP since it wasn't through choice, and confined by lockdown as we all are, misses the satisfaction /adult human contact and childfree time of work? And is finding homeschooling hard?
And feels as though other parent isnt sympathetic to how confined she feels?

SAHP being unreasonable.

Well OP you are being very accommodating. While you were the SAHP did your OH help out with childcare during the week and help out with housework or was it all on you?

TBH, please don't get upset, I think both of you are being U. You only have one child and unless they have additional needs, neither of you needs to devote your whole life to them. I was a SAHP (although also helped DH run our business) for some years while I had 3 DC in primary school and preschool and toddler. I now work full time (from home atm) and homeschool the DC (when I can - not full on really but try to get some work done each day) and DH has to work outside of the house as he is in healthcare. I also have to ensure all DC get exercise so only get to go out by myself on Saturday and Sunday morning, and I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. Life is tough for us all, try to be kind to one another.

I also think your DH sounds like he has depression and might need additional support from his GP. He seems to have given up on getting a job, and while life is tough at the moment, he should focus on what he can do right now, which is support you by minding your child and also by not moaning at you. And perhaps you can understand that he is not a SAHP by choice and so it is much harder for him (but at the moment that is what he needs to do so he should really just get on with it).

You know what, entertaining a lone child at home all day is pretty soul destroying. Cut each other some slack at a hard time.

my husband generally is fab, we have a great relationship but the currently situation grates a bit. He’d prefer to be working, has found himself an accidental SAHP, I’m working a job I don’t love. I’d happily trade with him and indeed he’d happily trade with me but at the moment things are what they are

I think it's typical of fathers, that they don't realise the sheer drudgery at times of SAHPing.

This isn't really 'being a stay at home paren't in any normaly healthy sense is it? It's not 'choosing' to be at home with a preschool child or baby - or picking kids up from school. It's being with a child stripped of their normality and social life -

TBH having homeschooled with work going on as well and 'home schooled while out of work - it was so much better haing my job to go and shut the door on the kids and have some normality

Imagine how tedious and dull it is EVERY DAY to do the tooth brushing /breakfast / nowhere to go/ no kids to play with/ gt the child doing learning they aren't enjoying blah blah. lonely and shit lets be honest

rather than being 'typical of fathers' it's just clearly a situation where nobody is living the life they wld choose. The drudgery of being with an older child with no social life has nothing to do with what being a home based parent normally is like.

Parent 2 is unreasonable. Having a paid job does not absolve one from other general life admin / responsibilities / duties.

I'm confused and don't know which parent is which but I think the SAHP is the unreasonable one if I've understood your OP correctly.

Normally, the stay at home parent of a Y2 definitely has it easy.

However, now is not normal. Working 7:30 - 6.30 every day, with no lunch break, is too much. While lockdown is on and you're forced to homeschool, I think the working parent (and their employer) should compromise some.

Would a 9-5 work day, with a lunch break, and extra hours made up after bedtime, work?

If you are parent 2 can I please ask you to remember that not all your employees/colleagues are in the same boat. I am a single parent (My sons dad is around sometimes but hasnt seen him for the last 7 weeks) and work full time. I am effectively doing Parent 1 and Parent 2's jobs at the moment. I am not trying to be competitive about who has it worse - it is hard for lots of people at the moment including yourselves. But my boss has children and his SAHP wife is doing the bulk of home schooling etc. It is so so clear he has no idea what it is like for people without that luxury and it makes me want to scream.
Rant over. Sorry.

Sahm parent needs to get a drip and realise that without partner working 11hrs a day they have no income! If you are stah parent with an east going child and manage to still do 90mins of exercise a day you are to entitled for you let own good and need to get in the real world!
Some of us both have to work, fit household chores in after children have gone to bed and wish they had 5 mins (let alone 90) to exercise!!!!

I agree with you OP about both being kinder to each other. It’s a hard time for everyone. But remember that goes for your husband too, not just you! From the wording of your posts it sounds like he’s the one who needs to make more progress in that area.

More usefully - could you try getting the load of, get a takeaway meal once a week for example to make it easier for everyone

If you're not happy something needs to change

I don't see how it's that soul-destroying minding one Y2 child all day. They don't need constant supervision and entertainment.

The OP was the SAHP during the really tough baby and toddler years. I'd say her DH has it much easier now.

I agree with @Muskox, it's fine to decide to be kinder to each other, but OP it's your husband that needs an attitude readjustment.