Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

I can see how both would feel the other has more of what they want (SAHP would like uninterrupted quiet/headspace during the day, working parent would probably like to have the option of a quiet day in front of the TV with child) but really it sounds pretty equitable.

In this kind of situation, I find it helps to encourage each other to take time for themselves rather than begrudging it - that way you both feel as though you are giving and getting support which is much more conducive to good relations than both feeling like you have to battle for recognition for what you are contributing to the family.

Yes - it does actually make a difference.

The SAHP is being even more unreasonable for describing the WFH parent as "hiding away" in their office when the SAHP acknowledges it is a corporate job with long, hard hours.

Of course, OP is the SAHP which is why she keeps coming back with the "but what if..." scenarios.

I think the SAHP is actually being unreasonable, sounds like long hours for the working parent and they still get involved with house work and childcare.

When exactly would the working parent be expected to do more, what does the sahp actually want them to do and when?

Ok so in fact I am the working parent. I was actually trying to make sure I presented a balanced view. Because he does do everything during the week but he thinks I should be doing more. Spending fewer hours in my home office etc.

Don’t get me wrong my husband generally is fab, we have a great relationship but the currently situation grates a bit. He’d prefer to be working, has found himself an accidental SAHP, I’m working a job I don’t love. I’d happily trade with him and indeed he’d happily trade with me but at the moment things are what they are.
I do feel a bit hard done by when he tells me that I’m not pulling my weight. Maybe if the situation were different, ie he was a SAHM by choice and I was the sole earlier by choice, it would be different.

I caveat all of the above that I’m aware that we are in a better situation than most people but as with everything, it’s something that bothers me a bit on a day to day basis so I wanted to see if I was being unreasonable.

I do understand the frustration though. When I was made redundant in March and nursery closed I found looking after toddler DS alone 5 days a week stressful and lonely, whereas DH's situation didn't change. If I'd kept my job we would have had to split the load.

When DH worked and I was a SAHP the way we did it was from 9-5 (or whatever his hours were). His job was his job and mine was house and baby. Once he was home house and baby were BOTH of our jobs.

No it doesn't change anything. The current sahp is still an idiot.

Whoever it is, that is their job currently. Looking after your child and the house. You don't have a job, and without the working parent, you wouldn't have a house. They need to do their half, the sahps job is the rest, and they get help on that too. It's not like they are doing everything totally alone.

I haven't read every page of this but I do sympathise with you. I am a defacto SAHM at the moment because my business is wedding related and in the toilet.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, Home ed etc. and I don't mind but my sense of self is damaged at the moment. My sense of myself as an equal partner.

Maybe that's part of how you're feeling too?

I’d say the SAH parent has the slightly easier life, but there’s not much in it, and I don’t think either of you has much to complain about.
But I really want to know which one is you OP!

OP is the working parent.

@zoemum2006

I haven't read every page of this but I do sympathise with you. I am a defacto SAHM at the moment because my business is wedding related and in the toilet.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, Home ed etc. and I don't mind but my sense of self is damaged at the moment. My sense of myself as an equal partner.

Maybe that's part of how you're feeling too?

She’s the working parent.

See update at 11.41.

@Hoppinggreen

When DH worked and I was a SAHP the way we did it was from 9-5 (or whatever his hours were). His job was his job and mine was house and baby. Once he was home house and baby were BOTH of our jobs.

This is what we do. Frankly I love handing DS over to DH for a few hours on a Saturday and blitzing the house! I've had enough of Peppa Pig/playing cars by that point in the week.

I think Parent 1 is BU for the most part. Parent 2 isn't hiding away in their office, they're working. If Parent 1 feels like they have too much going on to get all the house work down during the day, maybe allocate a couple of jobs to be done at the weekend for Parent 2?

The SAHP is a man who took the role on reluctantly?

Well, there's your problem then.

Men are conditioned to see their value through their job and the money they provide.

My husband is a very progressive man but I doubt he'd cope with this scenario.

I am in exactly this position. I am the sahm. Your DC is older than mine and I think I have it easy. So if you are complaining then not only are you unreasonable but also just plain lazy.
My dh cannot opt out of any part of work day to help out. And help with what exactly? Your Y2 child can get on with homeschooling while you do something else.
And with the 90 min your DC watches TV, cooking and tidying up can easily be done.
My ds is 4yo and during his HS I'm usually tidying up, sitting with a cup of coffee and just popping in to keep him on track.
Op please do not make out as if you are in any way having a hard day. I know you are not because your situation is almost exactly like mine.

@zoemum2006

The SAHP is a man who took the role on reluctantly?

Well, there's your problem then.

Men are conditioned to see their value through their job and the money they provide.

My husband is a very progressive man but I doubt he'd cope with this scenario.

Agreed.

Do you dare to show your DH this thread OP, so he can see that everyone thinks he’s BU

@Worried830410

I am in exactly this position. I am the sahm. Your DC is older than mine and I think I have it easy. So if you are complaining then not only are you unreasonable but also just plain lazy. My dh cannot opt out of any part of work day to help out. And help with what exactly? Your Y2 child can get on with homeschooling while you do something else. And with the 90 min your DC watches TV, cooking and tidying up can easily be done. My ds is 4yo and during his HS I'm usually tidying up, sitting with a cup of coffee and just popping in to keep him on track. Op please do not make out as if you are in any way having a hard day. I know you are not because your situation is almost exactly like mine.

The OP is the working parent

Sorry I read upthread that you were the sahp. I see your dh is. If so, then do show him this thread. He is absolutely unreasonable if he thinks his day is difficult.

@zoemum2006 yes this probably is the problem but unfortunately there isn’t a lot we can do about it at the moment.

To be honest I can see it from both sides.

OP you are working and you need to concentrate and apply time to that - but also it is fully understood by most people that wfh parents are helping out a bit more these days because it’s so full on with homeschooling etc.

Think about it, under normal circumstances you’d expect SAHP to do the majority of childcare and domestic stuff but they’d also have the chance for get out and about, they’d be able to dilute their day.

At the moment your husband is living the same day over and over and over again (as we all are) but you do get that mental break through out the day to think about work and other things away from domestic admin and home schooling. So if he’s super fed up with the situation and feels like he needs more help with it then you need to listen.

If it were you who were at home complaining about DH them people would be saying he needs to listen to you.

I don’t think it sounds like a case of you not pulling your weight, it sounds like you’re both just sick of life right now and it’s getting into that “I’m more tired / I’m busier / I do more” competitive mindset between you - which only ends in more arguments and defensiveness.

Personally if I had a respectful, loving and stable relationship and my partner told me they felt I wasn’t doing enough and we needed to look at things then I’d look at it. It might sting a little bit to be critiqued but if he is generally a fair person, why wouldn’t his opinion be fair now?

By that definition my husband is hiding away in his office too. He isn't, he's working.

I'm not saying it's easy because I, completely unfairly, get a bit resentful that he's doing something interesting and has daily contact with other people. As well as working they do interact and talk about non work stuff. I would have hated to do this when the children were little as it would have been hard to accept that he's working and letting me get on with stuff while he's feet away behind a closed door. On the other hand working from home with crying, noisy children would not be without it's issues. No one is having a great time now.

As a sahm I did virtually everything - washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking. My husband had long hours, so was rarely home before 7.30. I still managed to get some down time during the day and I would say that hour for hour I probably had it the easiest, apart from the boredom and tedium of small children. We both did what needed doing at weekends, so I wasn't lumbered with all child care and household chores just because I was a sahm.

@zoemum2006
The SAHP is a man who took the role on reluctantly?

WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM THEN.

MEN ARE CONDITIONED TO SEE THEIR VALUE THROUGH THEIR JOB AND THE MONEY THEY PROVIDE.

MY HUSBAND IS A VERY PROGRESSIVE MAN BUT I DOUBT HE'D COPE WITH THIS SCENARIO.

There has been reams of threads about SAHM who's DH are now WFH and they expect some help from DH's as they are at home working.

Lots of threads about SAHP thinking people who work have an easier life than them and don't do as much .

I think a lot of SAHP resent people who work and think they are hard done by and do more than anyone else

I think many people are in the same situation OP, people who are used to being at work have now become SAHP, others working flat out from home whilst other parent schools the kids. It is a shit situation for everyone but you just need to muddle through. If someone is working from home then they can’t do all the housework, child care, cooking etc...

Though there are many single parents having to juggle this. I’m on my own, juggling part time work with homeschooling 2 SEN kids, my house is a mess most of the week, I stick washing on when I can, I hoover at the weekends and I manage to cook every night. In between everything I’m juggling hospital appointments and physio appointments with Dd1 (she also does daily physio at home). Life is pretty rubbish right now and I’m just doing what I can to keep things ticking over, I’m not sure how long I can do it for. I really wish I had another adult in the house to share jobs with.

Before I read all your posts, just off the opening one, I was going to say that neither of you were being unreasonable and it's just the frustration of the situation.

But having read all your posts now (and I guessed you would be the working one) I suspect that there is some resentment coming from your H regarding your working status and his non-working status.
He doesn't like being a SAHP much, he doesn't like that he's having to do most of the "wifework" and he doesn't like that he was made redundant and is reliant on you bringing the money in. Perhaps he's feeling a touch emasculated (depending on how cavemannish he generally is) - or perhaps it's still just the general situation.

I can see there's nothing you can do at the moment so he's just going to have to wear it for now. You are doing a reasonable amount to contribute (and, dare I say it, more than he would if the situations were reversed - I'm guessing laundry would still be your province) so I think he should suck it up. This isn't going to last forever.