Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

The SAHP should be doing everything that they would normally do when the parent who is at work is working, it should be as if they are not there. When the parent who is work finishes work then it should be 50:50.

For a school age child the SAHP should do all the home schooling and most of the housework. I am a SAHP of a reception age child and do that. DH does bedtime during the week as it is a chance for 1:1 time with DS. At the weekend DH will do 50% of parenting. Very little housework to do then as I get majority done during week but he will do dishes and tidy up after DS etc. DH did one hour of home schooling a couple of weeks ago because I had an appointment but otherwise it has been me. I am perfectly happy with that, once DS is back at school in two weeks my life as a SAHP will be very easy.

I think both of you are fully pulling your weight.

Would it help if you cooked on the weekends and he did the laundry and washing up? Maybe you could swap some chores and that would help. Being responsible for every meal is a huge drag.

Parent 1 is being unreasonable. They have a very easy life. Parent 2 does some chores, bedtime and helps at the weekend.

I'm Parent 1 in our family, except I work 3.5 days a week and my DH works out of the home and is rarely home before midnight. So I do 100% of housework and childcare, including bathtime and bedtime, during the week (alongside paid work) and probably around 65% at the weekend (DH usually has some work to catch up with on weekends). My child-free time is a couple of hours on one weekend day when my DH takes our DC to the park or playground (the other day, we go out as a family). And our DC is 3yo so much more full-on.

The one thing I would say is that Parent 2 should do some small chores during the working day on their "coffee breaks". My DH has to go into the office now, but when he was working from home I trained him to empty the dishwasher, wipe the surfaces or hang up the washing because it irritated me hugely to see him standing around idle in our kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil.

Also, it might be nice for Parent 2 to have lunch with the rest of the family (though Parent 1 should make it) rather than going for a walk by themselves.

I knew you were the working parent, and a woman, from the fact that you still do the washing and tidying despite having a DH whose sole role is keeping house and supervising an easy 6 year old.

He is being unreasonable but certainly just frustrated at his situation. It's not your fault, you are doing more than your fair share and you can't magic him up a job.

It all seems like a fair distribution of work. I think it’s quite probably the case that men are more reluctant to see value in the home work. But tough tits to him. It sounds like you are making the best of the situation to keep it fair.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Both a bit unreasonable.

The child caring parent sounds like they want a bit more support and never gets time for themselves.
Working parent is working long hours, which is tiring.

Both sound like they need a good rest.

Agree with this. This is basically the situation in our house. We're both thoroughly pissed off with the situation. As the child caring parent it's bloody hard work and I whinge a lot but DH is working hard too, and earning the cash.

There's no real solution, other that to hope that children are able to go back to school on march 8th!

The SAHP is being unreasonable, ie your DH is being unreasonable.

If you were going to the office, you'd be leaving even earlier to get there and arriving home later because of the commute. And he'd be doing the childcare and household bit while he's at home until he's back at work himself.

As long as weekends are divided up fairly evenly, he is unreasonable to moan. You're working. You're paying the bills. You can't not work under the current circumstances, so he needs to suck it up and get on with it.

The office worker parent is the unreasonable one because he gets some sort of peaceful lunch break and then, having finished work, goes out for a walk/break. Sahm parent doesn't get a break at all. Officer worker parent should be wanting to spend some time with Yr2 child during lunch and after work. It's not just about the amount of work involved. It's also about fostering a relationship with the child, whilst allowing the other parent to have a break from routine.

The thing that I think would help would be trying not to be fully "hidden" in the office. Eat a quick lunch together, make coffee and interact while the kettle is boiling - just passing interaction that makes it feel like you're in this Covid mess together rather than in a misery competition.

I find I resent that DH has a basically normal work life (clinical vet) so gets to see people while I juggle the kids at home.

How would DH fare if you had to work in the actual office? It would be no different for them.

I do think though like you said yourself today is very very rarely quiet for you work wise hence why you are able to post on here but on those days, could you offer to do one of DH's chores. Just to lessen the burden a bit. But then it's give and take and would be nice to do the same when you have an absolutely manic day.

SAHP seems unreasonable if the wFH parent has to work 11h days.

I am WFH with a SAHP and doing half weekday cooking and all breakfast/bedtime routine but that is because I am working 9h days.

Both parents should split weekend chores.

Honestly I would tell him to suck it up! Schools will hopefully reopen in a month, he can manage a while longer.

I would not pander to this whole 'but he's a man and a high flyer and he's feeling emasculated'

I would instead try to help him appreciate how important his current role is -- he is educating his child, feeding the family, keeping the household going. These are all very important and he should be able to feel some pride in that (I know my DH does).

Little things can help I take 5 minutes breaks during the day and often do some dishes or tidying and I say a lot of heartfelt thank yous to DH, so he feels appreciated.

But YANBU at all, he needs to get some perspective and focus on how much easier he has it than most people right now.

The SAHP should be doing the majority of childcare and housework on the other parents working days and shouldn't be saying they are hiding.

Days off it should be shared.

The working parent should ensure the SAHP gets some time to themselves each day and also give them time to search for a new job and do applications with out having to look after the children at the same time.

I think it sounds pretty fair though maybe the working parent could do something to help out at lunchtime even just take the child for 15 min so the SAHP can have some sort of break (though to be fair the child sounds old enough for a bit of screen time etc to give the parent a break).

One thing I would say at the moment though I am home schooling and working...and the home schooling can be just as hard (I work in a corporate type job, sometimes a bit pressured but not massively stressful). Trying to cajole an unwilling 5.5 year old to write every single word, who answers every question with an 'I dont know' and who says everything is boring, is one of the most mentally draining things I've ever done, the frustration feels like it will finish me off some days. I'd be a bit pissed off if I was doing that all day, cooking and clearing up from a child as well, taking them out for fresh air and exercise (which for us is another half an hour of arguments) and then was expected to do the majority of the housework on top of this - looking after a younger primary age child plus home schooling is pretty much a full time job some weeks (depending on the child and how much work the school sets etc)

@yvanka

I knew you were the working parent, and a woman, from the fact that you still do the washing and tidying despite having a DH whose sole role is keeping house and supervising an easy 6 year old.

He is being unreasonable but certainly just frustrated at his situation. It's not your fault, you are doing more than your fair share and you can't magic him up a job.

And yes, this exactly!

You are working 11 hour days and still doing bedtimes and housework. I think that's fair.

My DH still works part-time so 2-3 days a week I have to work FT and homeschool and cook etc etc, I really struggle to sympathise with someone who doesn't have to worry about work while doing all this (at the same time, not feeling sorry for myself because I know lots of people have to manage this every day, not just PT).

SAHP is being unreasonable.

I do have sympathy, having seen the update, for the unwilling SAHP. However, since that is how the cards have fallen they have to suck it up and get on with it.

And look to getting back to having a job asap (it is difficult but not impossible - easier, too, for high fliers - to get a job in lockdown) if the sulky attitude and jealousy of the WHP is going to continue.

We all have to do things that we don't like sometimes, and now it's his turn. It should be a good motivating factor in getting a job.

Good luck though. As i wrote before i loathed being a SAHP and couldn't wait to get back to the office.

Parent 1 is being a mardy arse because, let's face it, homeschooling is shiiiiiiiiitttttttt, BUT it is what it is and it's hardly like parent 2 can do it, is it?

If parent 2 is working and parent 1 not then sorry parent 1 but you're homeschooling.

If parent 2 is really struggling to keep on top of housework in the week then I do think parent 2 should be helping more at weekends.

At the end of the day, although only 1 parent is being paid for their full time work, both parents ARE working full time and needs recognition for this.

That should be if parent 1 is struggling with housework then P2 needs to help more at weekends.

Parent 2 does a lot!
so work full time and support the entire family, AND bedtime AND washing AND beddings AND chores at the weekend?

Parent 1 is lucky they have so little to do themselves. Parent 1 is very unreasonable and should show a bit more gratitude. Or find themselves a job.

let me guess, parent 2 is female...

I was thinking if parent 2 is working 7.30 am to 6.30pm - and working properly, not hiding away and faffing, then that is a long day and no doubt a full on job.

However I can see it is very long for parent 1 to be on their own with the DC - it can be very lonely and hard work to be with children all day.

I was thinking if I were parent 1 I would want to have some adult company with my partner once the DC in bed, and I would probably feel miffed about parent 2 going out for a walk at that time.

If one parent was out in the office at work all day then the other parent would have to pick up the slack regardless. Working from home is no different.
However at the weekend both parents should be doing housework and childcare.

I do think it could really help to build in say 15 mins morning and afternoon to have a cup of tea the two of you together while DC has screen time or whatever.

Your DH probably gets lonely whereas I guess you have got work calls and so on.

I think parent 1 is being unreasonable here.

Parent 2 is working. If parent 2 was in the actual office in a city somewhere you wouldn’t be complaining he/she didn’t pull their weight. And if they were getting home to have dinner as a family and for parent 2 to do bedtime routine, then I think that’s great.

Parent 1 gets 90 mins to him/herself to exercise and can relax a bit while parent 2 does bedtime. Parent 1 has it good!!!