Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

Yes, I was the SAHP during the early years but that was a decision we both had made and were happy with. I loved it and happily did all the playgroups, coffee mornings etc. Plus I sent the child off to nursery one day a week so I could have a break and I had a cleaner. And my husband still did the vast majority of the cooking. We do eat out, or we did, a fair bit pre COVID and now we do the odd deliveroo. The cleaner is gone now too (long story, nothing to do with COVID and everything to do with my husband feeling embarrassed about his lack of a job).
All of the above said, I don’t want to portray my husband as an asshole and me as a put upon saint, I’m not at all and generally we have a happy marriage. I suppose if things were different, he’d have a good portion of the day to himself to look for a job and chill out.
I think the suggestion a few people made about spending lunchtime together or me taking the child off his hands for 45 minutes would help, and I could probably finish up at 5.30/6 if I organise myself a bit better and work hour or two in the evening if required.
March 8th can’t come fast enough.
Thanks again everyone. Who needs therapy eh?

I don't know what your DC is like but my 3 yo talks constantly. And has no filter. Are older children better or worse at shutting up? Sometimes, my head feels like it is exploding because he just constantly natters, natters, natters and I have to engage and respond.

Earlier conversation in respect of a particularly messy shelf...
"What's that on the shelf, Mummy?"
"I don't know, there are lots of things on the shelf".
"But what's that, Mummy?"
"You're going to have to be more specific".
"What do you mean, Mummy?"
"I don't know what you mean is on the shelf, there's lots of things on the shelf".
"But what's that, Mummy?"
"What colour is it? What does it look like?"
"I don't know. Is it red, yellow, blue, purple, green, indigo, violet?"
"We don't have a rainbow on the shelf".
"No, but what's that, Mummy".
"I don't know. Do you want a biscuit?"
"Yes, two, but what's that, Mummy?"
"I don't know. Shall I lift you up and you can point to it?"
(Hoists 15kg of child up to a particularly high shelf.)
"Oh, I don't know what I saw. Can I have two biscuits now?"

Could your DH just need more time during the day when he doesn't have to engage with and respond to your DC?

I don't know what your DC is like but my 3 yo talks constantly. And has no filter. Are older children better or worse at shutting up?

Different. There is more actual conversation and less random "why" questions so not so draining. Plus they are better at amusing themselves. And a Y2 child will have a certain amount of schoolwork to do anyway. Your experience with your 3 year old is really not that relevant to OP.

@RedskyBynight. But I imagine supervising the schoolwork adds an extra level of irritation that you don't have with younger kids? So even if it's different, it can still be equally tedious for an accidental SAHP who'd rather be at work.

@RedskyBynight

I don't know what your DC is like but my 3 yo talks constantly. And has no filter. Are older children better or worse at shutting up?

Different. There is more actual conversation and less random "why" questions so not so draining. Plus they are better at amusing themselves. And a Y2 child will have a certain amount of schoolwork to do anyway. Your experience with your 3 year old is really not that relevant to OP.

meh, my six year old still has the random why questions and endless talking but will also quiz me on what hes said to check I have been paying attention. Plus there is the fact that he is doing all this while I try to make him do the set work. SIgh. I love him really!

Sounds like parent 1 would rather be job hunting? Is he? to find for a corporate high paid role it takes a lot of time, is that being prioritised?

Oh it’s all really hard isn’t it! The reality is that the working parent is at work and wouldn’t be criticised if they were out of the house. It’s the wfh that blurs the bloody boundaries.

In our house I wfh part of the week and have the toddler the other half. I can categorically say that I prefer the wfh days even though my job is stressful. The days where I am looking after dd and husband is working are so so so hard.

Also though, the working parent will be literally staring at a screen ALL day and therefore NEEDS to be able to go for a walk or do some exercise. It’s hard on the eyes and the brain.

Ps I definitely feel for a stay at home parent who was forced into it. I find it virtually impossible by choice. It’s so bloody hard.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

I dont know.who IBU but this made me laugh

Neither of you are being unreasonable, the whole situation (in pretty much every household in the country) is utterly shit and people are just starting to get on each other’s nerves now... just be glad you have an easy going DC and you’re not both working full time from home and trying to magically homeschool along side

Hang in there OP 💐

@MessAllOver - both my DSs went through a non-stop chat phase around 7-8. DS2 is still in it. Drives me NUTS. It's less about asking questions and more about insisting on telling me all about his Pokémon cards/dinosaurs/beyblades/dragons/whatever he's watching on tv/whatever game he's playing.

We were watching a wildlife show yesterday and he KEPT ON talking over and through it, while I was trying to watch and listen to the show. I'm quite good at tuning him out so was hearing most of it and did a sharp intake of breath at one point, which resulted in this conversation:
"why did you make that noise, mummy, what did you see, I didn't see anything surprising, what was it mummy, what did they say?"
"Perhaps if you talked less and listened more you'd know what they said!"

"is this it mummy, what was it he was saying is it this bit that made you make that noise, what is it about?"
"LIsten to it instead of talking over it!"

"but what does that mean mummy, I don't get it, why is it [whatever]"
"If you'd KEPT listening they would have EXPLAINED it for you!"

Rinse and repeat for almost everything. His father is like this too mind you - talk over a programme/film and then ask what's going on (!)

Just bloody pay attention instead of wittering on and on about bloody nothing and you'd KNOW!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad. I love DS dearly, but honestly the constant and persistent chatter drives me demented sometimes. And although @RedskyBynight assures me that older children are different and therefore my experience with a 3yo is irrelevant, my neighbour who is homeschooling 2 DCs (8 and 11) often complains to me about exactly the same thing. So I can see how anyone homeschooling young children might think they have it tough, even if objectively they do have the easier deal than the working partner.

Luckily for me (sorry!) I live in Australia so haven't had to homeschool since last June when our school lockdown finished - but I would sooner leave DS2 to his own devices than ever try to homeschool him again.
It was the worst parenting I have ever done - it was AWFUL. DS1 was fine - Y1 of high school, all done online, stayed in his room - no problem.

DS2 - yeah - I have all the sympathy for anyone who has to do it with an unwilling child (he was Y2 at the time as well) and we ended up nearly hating each other. Mind you, he wasn't doing the endless drivelling on during that period - far more sulking and stropping and whining about having to do stuff he wasn't interested in.

DH was working from home at the time too - but at no point did I think he would do a better job, because he has zero patience and wouldn't bother. I didn't resent him for staying in his office - I resented him for coming OUT and asking what was going on!

SAHP is being unreasonable.