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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still feel upset by this?

207 replies

Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:06

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/02/2021 13:11

I guess he was a proud dad and wanted to show off your dc. How long ago was this? Are you projecting your disappointment at the circumstances of birth and recovery onto his/pil behaviour?

FelicityPike · 11/02/2021 13:12

You should’ve arranged to live somewhat else if you wanted two weeks entirely to yourselves and then you would’ve got your ideal pregnancy.
Also, your DP was maybe delighted to introduce his new baby to his family & friends. That decision is not yours and yours alone.
Anyway, I’m sorry you feel this way and it’s definitely not for anyone to tell you how to feel. Are you still living with your partner’s family?

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:13

@LIZS if that was the case then I see that as even worse as he would of putting his own wants over mine. I feel like after all I went through he could of just given me that little time, it wasnt like his family was never going to meet our child. I dont think I'm projecting, I just have alot of things that he has let me down on during my pregnancy and I'm tired of hearing sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:14

@FelicityPike if I lived away dp wouldnt of been able to come with me and he wouldnt if wanted that. I just thought especially given the parents say they "care and consider" what I need they could of held off for two weeks. Not a big ask really

OP posts:
yuhuh · 11/02/2021 13:15

I had an EMCS not too long ago and asked DP that I didn't want visitors for a while, he respected my wish.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2021 13:15

Didn’t you get a break if you didn’t need to be with others when they visited? Hand baby over, chill? Plus it’s really difficult to tell his parents they aren’t allowed visitors in their own home for two weeks. It’s not really about your partner having the balls. It’s about it’s their home not yours. So agreeing with him is not relevant, it’s agreeing with them as you’re living in their home.

AmySosa · 11/02/2021 13:18

if I lived away dp wouldnt of been able to come with me and he wouldnt if wanted that

Why? Is he under house arrest Confused

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:18

@Bluntness100 I didnt want a break at that point I was struggling with my baby. I just wanted to be left alone with dc. I'm not saying they couldnt of had visitors, I think I dont put it across right. I asked that for two weeks no one asked to see dc whilst we was getting comfortable again from being back from hospital. Like recovery time from a major surgery. I understand I cant control who comes in and out the house but surely I have a say when it comes to my own baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:20

@AmySosa that would of meant me going back to my family home. They wouldnt of allowed him to stay for that long there isnt enough room

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 11/02/2021 13:21

if I lived away dp wouldnt of been able to come with me and he wouldnt if wanted that. I just thought especially given the parents say they "care and consider" what I need they could of held off for two weeks. Not a big ask really

Well it kinda is a big ask....it’s their house!
Why couldn’t your partner come with you? Why does he need to stay in his parents house? Are you awfully young? Is he on tag? Is he duty bound to live with them?
Where are your family?

LightDrizzle · 11/02/2021 13:22

Lots of new mothers, like other mammals, can’t chill when their babies are out of sight. It’s not a rational thing, it’s biology.
I trusted the staff at the maternity hospital, but I was pacing while they took her off for a heel prick test and must have looked daggers at the poor midwife who brought her back as she protested “We weren’t hurting her you know!”
It must be nice for those mothers who don’t feel this to have a rest, but for many it causes anxiety and it’s normal, not precious.

With time it usually fades. It’s obvious why those feelings evolved, given how immature our young are birth.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 11/02/2021 13:24

@Frostino YANBU you had a traumatic birth and asked for two weeks of peace and quiet to recover and bond. He should have stood up for you.

It's a fragile time for new mothers and you should have had your boundaries respected.

A baby is not a new shiny object to be passed around, however well meaning or proud your PIL feel.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I don't think this means he's an irredeemable dickhead though. I think a lot of new dads struggle with moving their focus from being a good son (doing what PIL want) to being a good father (supporting the child's mother). It was new for him too.

Have you moved away from PIL's home? That might help.

Puffalicious · 11/02/2021 13:25

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Brighterthansunflowers · 11/02/2021 13:25

You can stop your PIL having people over (although covid rules should be if you’re in the uk). That’s what you get for living with them.

But your DP should have respected what you’d agreed about not taking the baby to meet them.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:25

@FelicityPike and again I get that but it is my child! I am the one that went through the horror, I'm the one that had to recover. I would think it would be an unreasonable request if I said they could never see my dc but I only asked for two weeks straight out of hospital. Just dont think that is unfair to do so

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 11/02/2021 13:26

This reply has been deleted

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Petitmum · 11/02/2021 13:26

I can understand your frustrations but when you are a guest in someone's home you can't call the shots.

Brighterthansunflowers · 11/02/2021 13:26

My post was supposed to say you can’t stop PIL. Sorry

MummytoCSJH · 11/02/2021 13:26

I think the issue here isn't the ILs being there but the visitors they had over despite OP suffering and making it known she wanted to have some alone time? So nothing to do with not living with them really, if recent they shouldn't have had visitors round anyway, but bottom line is they should also care about the OPs wishes. Just because you allow someone to live with you (paid or rent free as OP doesn't say) doesn't mean you can do whatever you like to them! It's so easy for people to say 'well if you don't like their rules then move out' - which is obviously just so easy when you're about to or have just given birth, especially during covid again if this is recent - as we see so often on these threads but what if someone has nowhere to go, or like the OP could have gone to her own parents but her DP would then not have been able to see his own newborn child. Are you genuinely suggesting that's in hers and the child's best interests?

You're not wrong to be upset OP, I'm not sure you can do much though. It's a shame your partner didn't respect your wishes and stick up for you more. Maybe consider if you want to always be with someone who doesn't if you think he understands how strongly you feel about this. Maybe he doesn't get it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2021 13:27

I think if you choose to live in somebody else’s house then you have to accept that they can invite who they like to the house; and if you have a baby with somebody else rather than with a sperm donor, you also have to accept that they may well have beliefs and feelings about raising their child which differ from yours. You really can’t say to your child’s other parent who wants to proudly show off their new child that you don’t want to be forced to see visitors in the early weeks but also don’t want them taking just the baby to meet the visitors.

It sounds like a not ideal situation both with not getting the birth you hoped for and not living in your own home, but rather than dwell on things that can’t be changed and try to find people to blame for it, focus on moving on and enjoying your family.

yuhuh · 11/02/2021 13:27

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Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 11/02/2021 13:27

@Bluntness100 oh yes every brand new mother traumatised by a difficult pregnancy and birth feels completely 'chill' while their helpless newborn is in another room being passed around like a joint by insensitive in laws and strangers. Hmm there is no emotional, hormonal or biological urge to be with their baby at all

Kudos to you for being a super relaxed mum. Not everyone feels the same.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:28

@Puffalicious I literally said it three times at the end of my post so I feel like that is an uncalled for over exaggeration but thankyou for your very helpful constructive reply to something I'm clearly struggling with Smile!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/02/2021 13:29

Ok he clearly didn’t understand that you didn’t wish the baby to be introduced to people either and as you said, felt it was fine as you didn’t need to engage and would be left alone.

Light drizzle I see your point but this was the babies father, and they were only downstairs. Very different.

Op, it’s hard, it’s hard when you’re living in someone else’s home to say no I can’t bring the baby down to say hi as my partner doesn’t want it.

Give each other a break is my advice. I’m sure if you had your own home he wouldn’t have been inviting people round.

Milkshake7489 · 11/02/2021 13:29

YANBU OP, recovering from a C section and adjusting to motherhood is hard. Your DP should have been taking your lead on visitors and making your life as easy as possible.

Plus I couldn't have coped with anyone taking my baby away for any reason during the early days and if you were unhappy with this arrangement, your dp's actions were unforgivable... plus who actually says that they are only there to see the baby, not check in on the new mother?! That is unbelievably rude.

(not sure where pp are getting the impression you tried to stop your inlaws having visitors, it's clear from your post that you and baby were settled upstairs at the time).