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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still feel upset by this?

207 replies

Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:06

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 17:18

@Hont1986 I did address it. He continued to do it. I was in no fit condition to wrestle dc out of his arms nor would I find it appropriate to do so. Half the time I wasnt with it because of my strong pain killers/pain

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 17:19

I did all I could. If I have a dp that does what he wants anyways what more can i do

OP posts:
Inpersuitofhappiness · 11/02/2021 17:21

@Frostino like I said, you lose certain say over their wants regardless of the right or wrong, when you are in THEIR home.
If you want to rule the roost stop relying on them to house your family unit.
Your partner doesn't feel able to confront his parents. How can he? He's certainly in between a rock and a hard place because he's trying to keep everyone happy.

You want the dynamics to change?

You want the PILs to respect you and not make decisions they shouldn't be making? You want MIL to stop butting her nose in? BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN LIVING ENVIRONMENT.

Your DP cannot choose a side ever, whilst in this position.

aSofaNearYou · 11/02/2021 17:22

Sorry about the confusion, it read as though her being overbearing with your dc had been going on for a while. But my comment still stands, I think you are focusing on the wrong things. You don't seem to appreciate the huge favour they are doing you by allowing you all to live with them, especially with a newborn which is in itself very disruptive. No, that doesn't mean they can do what they like with your child, but depending on the layout of the house it does make it unrealistic to be expected to be left alone for a large portion of time in their house, and you do need to have some appreciation for what they are doing for you.

o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 17:27

If you want to rule the roost stop relying on them to house your family unit
exactly, you cant rule the roost if it's not your roost!
In a multigenerational set up there is usually a pecking order, you will always be seen as subordinate by your in-laws- they see themselves as the elders of the tribe who must be obeyed
you cant go against them whilst at the same time relying on their generosity
'don't bite the hand that feeds you'

Phoenix21 · 11/02/2021 17:29

OP it sounds as if your partner is a bit passive, that you want to discuss this but he just apologies and shuts down is that correct?

Did your PIL demand baby comes down (ie bully him) or did he get caught up and want to show off his baby to his siblings, grandparents or whoever it was that came round.

It sounds like these promises were made pre baby, when he came up to get baby was he reminded of promise? It sounds as if he changed his mind.

I say this very kindly but this resentment will eat you up and there’s nothing you can do to rectify that exact situation.

Your energies may need to go into the wider issues, getting out of that house so you and your partner have more autonomy.

LIZS · 11/02/2021 17:33

I'm guessing your dc is probably at least 4 months old now, in which case you really do need to move on emotionally and physically. What plans have you made as a couple towards moving out. Vague suggestions that it will improve when you find work again aren't enough.

Enough4me · 11/02/2021 17:35

I think you are right to have and express your feelings, and you only asked for some extra space for two weeks to have less stress.

However, what do you really want him to do now? How can he fix this?

o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 17:37

Is your husband from a culture where he is expected to obey and support his parents OP?
If so it's unlikely that you will be able to break through his training & conditioning:(

Babyboomtastic · 11/02/2021 17:49

I'm totally confused. If you couldn't manage steps, and were out of it on painkillers for TWO WEEKS! Why one earth wasn't this flagged up to your midwife? A section shouldn't leave you bedbound. And you shouldn't be on strong painkillers at home because they don't discharge you if you need more than ibuprofen and paracetamol with a bit of dihydrocodeine to top up.

Mine were electives which are often easier to recover from, but I'm confused as what happened tbh.

strawberrypip · 11/02/2021 17:54

The responses on here are so weird. Half of these posters would read you the riot act if you met more than one person outside in these times, yet on here it's fine that OPs PILs had multiple friends and family in and out of the home, whilst OP had just been in hospital and had a newborn baby.

OP, I had an emergency C section and my partner had someone round what felt like every day. It was horrible, I felt tired, I looked shit, I was overwhelmed and the last thing I wanted was loads of people in my space, and this was just before COVID all started. YANBU to of felt disrespected and for this to still bother you. It bothers me sometimes that I didn't stand up for myself.

strawberrypip · 11/02/2021 17:56

Oh and just because it was their house, doesn't mean they own you or your child.

InDreamland · 11/02/2021 17:58

OP sorry you're feeling like this. I understand how it feels to have a traumatic birth, I had one too but thankfully didn't need an emergency c-section. For a couple of weeks I felt like I had been hit by a late running bullet train trying to make up time. I told DH the only visitors I was prepared to have were strictly immediate family only for the first 2 weeks. He absolutely respected my wishes and held the line when someone felt entitled to see our newborn. This was a month before the first lockdown and yes we were worried about Covid and anything being passed on to our baby. I do think I see why you're upset. I think you felt vulnerable and just wanted to have the 3 of you left alone to bond with baby and not have your newborn passed around like pass the parcel in the middle of a pandemic when you don't know who may be carrying the virus which could make your baby (and the rest of the household) unwell. You felt that despite DH agreeing initially he then ignored your wishes and took your baby to be passed around people who you didn't want to. As a father and partner he should have been more protective and respectful of your wishes for peace and time to bond with baby and protecting your newborn from potentially catching a deadly virus. I'd be livid too if DH allowed more people in to see and hold our baby than I was comfortable with or felt up to seeing. You needed time to recover (physically and emotionally) and bond with baby and you felt unsupported by your partner in this.

o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 18:02

@strawberrypip

Oh and just because it was their house, doesn't mean they own you or your child.
of course it doesnt but the underlying problem is that OP has knowingly left herself at the mercy of domineering in laws they are unkind people for not considering her situation, but knowing that why would she put herself in the situation?
bloodyhairy · 11/02/2021 18:02

But you're living in their home Confused You can't possibly expect to control that environment.
Congrats on the safe arrival of your baby of course, but YABVU.

strawberrypip · 11/02/2021 18:05

The underlying problem is that OPs partner should of said no to his parents and their guests and had a bit more consideration for the mother of his child who had just gone through a traumatic birth.

ancientgran · 11/02/2021 18:09

[quote Frostino]@FelicityPike and again I get that but it is my child! I am the one that went through the horror, I'm the one that had to recover. I would think it would be an unreasonable request if I said they could never see my dc but I only asked for two weeks straight out of hospital. Just dont think that is unfair to do so[/quote]
It's his child as well.

Learningtobehappier · 11/02/2021 18:11

After I had my first, my stepmum basically arranged a bloody party at my house. It was awful

peboh · 11/02/2021 18:11

Why do woman want their baby daddies to do 50/50 of the work, but then pull rank when it comes to whose child it is? He more than likely wanted to show off his child, he's entitled to do that.

o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 18:12

@strawberrypip

The underlying problem is that OPs partner should of said no to his parents and their guests and had a bit more consideration for the mother of his child who had just gone through a traumatic birth.
yes, I agree they are horrid, but OP has no leverage in this situation (except maybe wait till they are old and at her mercy and serve it all back to them?👀)
ancientgran · 11/02/2021 18:12

[quote Frostino]@Hont1986 I did address it. He continued to do it. I was in no fit condition to wrestle dc out of his arms nor would I find it appropriate to do so. Half the time I wasnt with it because of my strong pain killers/pain[/quote]
If you were that out of it was the baby safe with you? Maybe he wanted to see visitors and wasn't comfortable leaving baby with you if you out of it.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:13

@aSofaNearYou I'm not unaware nor unapprecaitve of the huge commitment and sacrifice they have done for us as a family. But it doesnt mean they get to have say in everything when it comes to my dc. And again, I feel like alot of posters are forgetting that I only asked for two of the most vunerablest weeks of my life. I wasnt asking anyone to climb a mountain for me but it sure felt it

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:14

@Enough4me I really dont k kw that's the problem. Since then theres been many issues that he keeps having to apologise for. I'm starting to lose the will with this relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:16

@peboh I never said he wasnt. As I've stated a thousand times on this thread the issue wasnt if he wanted to show off our dc, it's that we both made an agreement we weren't going to do that and he didnt communicate that he felt otherwise

OP posts:
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:17

As parents and partners I feel it's only right you address things with each other first. People may think otherwise but that is a basic thing I consider in a relationship

OP posts:
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