AIBU to still feel upset by this?

[Frostino]

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

Can you apply for council/ ha home in your area?

Putting Covid aside (I do not condone them ignoring lockdown!), I think you are being a little oversensitive about it.

Unless the baby was gone for long periods, I imagine it was him just popping downstairs for the occasional 10 minutes, which didn't involve you and seems like a decent compromise between him introducing his new child to people, and you wanting to be left alone.

I know it was something you agreed before the birth, but sometimes you don't know how you feel about these things until the time, and it's not as if you had to smile and make small talk with the guests.

I am concerned though that it seems you were stuck in your room for a prolonged period. Was that by choice, or because of the guests etc?

They shouldn't have discharged you from hospital if you couldn't walk properly or hold your baby without someone present. It doesn't sound as if your postnatal care was good enough tbh.

@Babyboomtastic but then it was up to my partner to communicate that with me. If he had a change of heart that is okay, what is not okay is saying nothing and doing what we both agreed not to. Communication seems to be the running problem of our relationship and it's getting old now

Yes, but I don't see it as a big enough thing personally to get so upset over months later. If you were upset with him about it at the time, you should have mentioned it then, which would.have given him the opportunity to stop.

It sounds to me like it's a symptom of a bigger problem, and that maybe there are more general communication problems (in both directions) in your relationship.

I think If you want some peace and quiet time with your new family, you really need to move out and get your own place.

@Babyboomtastic this isnt me trying to resurface old issues. I did mention it at the current time and as I put in my op all I got of him was "sorry". He couldnt justify why he went against what we agreed. I'm sick of getting half arsed apologies and then been expected to just get over things. I may seem to be oversenstive but it was the most sensitive time for me! I was a new mum that had just given birth.

No, I don't think you get what I mean.

You said that he just said sorry but couldn't give an explanation as to why it happened. That's past tense. Which I'm taking to mean you told him it upset you later, not during the two week period.

If you told him during the two week period, he said sorry and then continued, then that's a very different issue from what you've posted about.

If you'd agreed 2 weeks and on day 4 granny came around, and this upset your why didn't you say at that stage that you were upset? If you only mentioned it weeks later then sorry is all he can say really because it's over.

Yanbu. BUT you only get to make these demands if you are in your own home. What do you expect your dp to do? Tell his parents not to have people in their own home? And if he did and they got upset, then how would you feel as guests in their home?
How long do you intend to stay with them?

How long ago was this?

I have sympathy, I didn’t like my baby being out of sight until they were a good age.

However, while your partner should be respecting your wants and needs it does sound as if he is between a rock and a hard place in general.

It sounds as if in pleasing you he has to upset his parents and vice versa. This would be easier in a place of your own but under their roof where there’s no escaping the backlash? That cannot be easy.

When folk came around was his excitement in showing off his baby taking over? Because I think that’s understandable.

I know he should have been considering your feelings but the ‘look at what I made’ urge is very strong.

OP i appreciate you adore your child but why did you both plan to have a child if neither of you are comfortable with the living arrangements? You haven't said the baby was unplanned.

All this ' his financial situation' ' I don't see it improving ' doesn't do you well. You should be thinking long term and planning when you can go back to work and contribute to saving for your own place. Have you applied to the council/ housing associations?

[quote Frostino]@FelicityPike if I lived away dp wouldnt of been able to come with me and he wouldnt if wanted that. I just thought especially given the parents say they "care and consider" what I need they could of held off for two weeks. Not a big ask really[/quote]
I think you are very rude, your living in their house, get your own house if you expect people to live by your rules,

So are you living with them with multiple children? I'm not saying they should have a say in how you raise your kids, but I think you do have to appreciate that living with them, especially with children in tow, is a huge ask. It makes it less appropriate for you to be highly territorial over your children and exercise the old "you must do what I say because they are my kids" attitude, and only adds to how much you are expecting them to put up with. They have been inconsiderate to you, but you have also been very inconsiderate towards them. Especially if the two of you aren't contributing financially, which is unclear.

It would have been better not to plan on having another child while you still couldn't afford to move out, but whilst you can't help that now, it is certainly something you need to view as a priority going forward. You will never be able to say they are being totally unreasonable unless you move out.

This is obviously setting aside the Covid argument, as in this instance they unequivocally shouldn't have had anyone over. But looking at the wider situation...

Well I think YABU, sorry.

Maybe your DP should have stood his ground more against his parents requests to show off the baby, but at the same time, they are housing you both and a newborn baby for free(?). I think it's a fair price to pay.

At the same time, if you didn't like it, why didn't you say anything? It sounds like you were holed up in the room upstairs, whispering to your DP that you didn't like it. Why didn't you say anything to his parents yourself, or refuse to let him take the baby downstairs?

Whatever, it's in the past, just let it go.

You really need your own place? Do you plan to go back to work? As it'd not just up to your dp to bring money in
You need to look at options like going on council list are you claiming for all your allowed? What will your financial situation be when you go back to work.
Could you move back to your parents whilst you both save ?

@Puffalicious I didnt see what relevance my baby being planned or not had to this post so didnt include every detail of my life. But yes this baby was unplanned, I had only just been out of work and then lockdown hit when I found out I was pregnant. My home life was a mess and I never intended to bring a poor child into this mix, but here I am and as people keep telling me no point dwelling on the past since I have a life I'm trying to be responsible for now. When I was pregnant I applied for council housing and got shutdown due to my family home situation. I'm not considered "homeless" even though I technically dont have a home

@aSofaNearYou no we have one newborn and that is all which is the dc I mention in my post.

In the kindest possible way, if it were your home you could make certain rules. You could choose to not let people in. You could choose to have that two weeks alone but it doesn't work like that when you are essentially a guest in someone's house.
Of course, if at all possible they'd have taken your wants into consideration, but it is their home, and their choice, and also their choice to want their DGC to be met by their friends/relatives, whoever.

You have a choice here, you bite your tongue and you know your place, and give up certain things you want or you need to stand on your own two feet and provide a home for yourself.

It seems rather strange that you are talking about DP not confronting his parents, maybe he sees the situation as he's quite lucky that his DPs are letting his partner and child live in their home? Maybe he wanted these friends and family members to meet his child too?

Maybe confronting them about their guests is a bit disrespectful for him considering that he's financially unable to provide a home for his family and they are kindly offering the 3 of you a roof over your heads?

Also quite telling that your parents can decide that your partner isn't able to stay, but his parents are in the wrong here.

If you really don't want to be there, contact the council.

You have np idea how lucky you are to have the support you have. So yes, you are most definitely U and another U for ungrateful.

@Hont1986 I dont mean to come off rude but I've had to repeat myself many times can people please read my replies before posting. I've already said that I told my dp at the time that I didnt want him to put dc in contact with all these people, he didnt listen. It went through one ear and out the other. I was stuck upstairs as I had a csection and couldn't manage the stairs! I was cooped up conspiracing and whispering behind his parents back. If anyone came up to ask me how I felt about my dc having to be placed on show for all these people which I feel like was the least they could of done, I would of stated very clearly it was still early days and I wasnt comfortable with it. But no one bothered with me or how I felt. All the cared about was the baby.

*wasnt

I or we? Your pil could write and give you notice to quit which you then present to council. Do you/he have an established connection to the area. Where did you live previously? Is your dp working at all, why are his finances so dire? Somehow you need to break the cycle.

@Inpersuitofhappiness okay:

1. It was during lockdown. No one should of been coming over.

2. I was worried about the health of new born being exposed to all these people during a pandemic

3. me and dp agreed we didnt want people seeing the baby the first two weeks. Again if he had a change of heart he should of communicated that with me

4. I NEVER SAID THEY COULDNT HAVE VISITORS. The could of had the whole of England over for all I care! It was the fact that they kept expecting my dc to meet all these people that I didnt want. My god if I cant have a say over my own flesh and blood then what is the point if this all.

@LIZS my dp has lots of debt. He works but his debt will mean we cant get anywhere for a while as he can barely afford to stay ontop of them as it is. I plan to get back into work once she is 1 as I will have no daycare and am breastfeeding. I've heard that whilst on universal credit I can work part time and am entitled to free care, i will look into that more.

"if he had a change of heart he should of communicated that with me"

and after the first time it happened you should have communicated with him AND his parents that you didn't want it to happen again. but you didn't, so it kept happening, and each time it happened it seemed that you had also had a change of heart because otherwise, why wouldn't you say anything?

Has he addressed the debt issue? Stepchange , CAP, citizens advice etc

it sounds very tough OP but ultimately you are unrealistic to expect privacy and autonomy if you choose to move in with overbearing in laws....why would you put yourself in that situation?