AIBU to still feel upset by this?

[Frostino]

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

I mean she lives with her dp's parents. It's her home too. She's not a guest.

I think the difference between this and other threads where the mum with a newborn wants space is that you live with them. I don't think you are entirely unreasonable OP but your comments such as "I don't feel it's too much to ask to be left alone for three weeks" and "I'm their DIL they have a responsibility to look after me" could be a bit unreasonable depending on the circumstances of you living with them. Are you paying to live there?

@Petitmum

I can understand your frustrations but when you are a guest in someone's home you can't call the shots.

What? Not over your own baby? Don't talk nonsense.

Sounds like your DP said yes for an easy life but when push came to shove he actually wanted to show off his baby so did it anyway.
Yes that would annoy me. Yes, the in laws having people in and out during lockdown would annoy me. YANBU for those feelings. The issue is, you are living under their roof so need to tow the line to an extent.

You’re DP meekly saying ‘I’m sorry’ strongly suggests to me he’ll do something like this again. Doesn’t sound like he cares very much that’s he’s upset you.

Also it’s ‘would have’ not ‘would of’

I completely sympathize. I think this was unfair of him and his family.

How can he possibly stand up to his parents when he is still living under their roof like a child?
That's the problem.

@aSofaNearYou it was only for two weeks as that was the amount of recovery time the hospital told me to take. I cant help but feel like if it was pil's own daughter they would respect it. I struggle to feel part of the family and I guess stuff like this doesnt help.

I think it was perhaps unrealistic to hope to set such strong boundaries whilst living in someone else’s home. 2 weeks alone would’ve been fine if you were in your own home, but obviously you can’t plan around other inhabitants of the house.

I think the far bigger issue here is your DP taking a newborn down to be held by other people in the middle of a pandemic. That’s what would make me angry.

@IloveFebruary that's the main issue I have here. Whenever something like this occurs he has nothing to say for himself, his reaction is just to withdrawn then quietly mumble that he is sorry and expect all to be forgiven. I've lost count of how many times he has pathetically apologised to me now and it's starting to lose its meaning

@PatchworkElmer I didnt mind them having people over in those two weeks, not my house so I dont have a say! I just didnt want them to keep asking my dp to bring our dc down to see all these people. Everytime I was so on edge, it just didnt really help

If you are living under their roof they will always see you as a child who has to obey them, why don't you get your own home for your own family?

OP then why didn't you say no?

If you're a mother you make the decisions for your baby.

@Hyppogriff I dont know if your correcting me or not? I'm typing this on my tiny phone so that plus me being very upset foesnt equate to good grammar 😂

Wow what insensitive people! Honestly wouldn't want anyone holding or being shown the baby for the first 3 months at the moment! With flu and Covid raging around!

In a lot of countries the babies don't leave the house for 3 MONTHS because of the risk if they get unwell! Never mind if your had an emergency c section and during a bloody LOCKDOWN!!

You need to tell your partner it's upset you and it was putting the babies health at risk and yours! That's major surgery you just had and this is all on top of the fact birth and pregnancy isn't nice for everyone and the hormones leaving your body is a bitch! I've never felt so alone even though I was surrounded by people and felt like I needed to please people for my first child! Won't be doing that for the second one!

Don't blame you but don't fester these feelings tell him you feel traumatise by the whole experience of birth etc and you need some healing time.

Its understandable to want 2 weeks to adjust, but I think that is impossible and unrealistic if you live in someone else house, its bound to lead to friction.

It is unacceptable, not to mention illegal, to have family and friends outside of the household over at this point and that should be addressed. I would definitely dig my heels in for that.

Whats done is done now but it seems to be consuming you at a time and when you look back you'll probably realise you were more on edge than normal and again understandable because you're sore, sleep deprived and emotional.

Try and move on from it if you can and focus your time and energy now on your daughter and use the PIL for some such RNR for yourself!

@yuhuh I kept asking my dp not to but his response was "it's okay you dont have to say hi they just want to see the baby" which again made me feel even more like crap

@Frostino that’s what I’m getting at- it was possibly unrealistic to expect that if your in laws had guests over, they wouldn’t want to show off baby. From your DP’s point of view, it’s much harder to say no when people are in the house asking, rather than outside asking to come in. You probably needed to set this all out with ILs in advance.

To clarify, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such, but clearly with the personalities involved here you kind of set yourself up to be disappointed. People who have guests throughout a pandemic were unlikely to take this request seriously. Your DP should’ve been more robust in his response to the requests, but I can see how it snowballed.

Like I say, I think the bigger issue here is the covid risk.

Is this going to end up a top trumps of who had their baby in NICU for the longest?

@Frostino

Why so many visitors in lockdown?

@Crunchymum

Is this going to end up a top trumps of who had their baby in NICU for the longest?

@Frostino

Why so many visitors in lockdown?

What an insensitive bullshit comment

OP then I think it was massively wrong of him, you said no, he should have respected your wishes.

@FelicityPike

I had an EMC under general anaesthetic so I’m not entirely unsympathetic here. My DH couldn’t be at our DD’s birth and although I was discharged after 3 days, she remained in the NICU for 6 weeks. So I didn’t get the “luxury” of spending quality time shut up in a bedroom just the 3 of us to adjust to being a family. I had to go home every evening and leave my baby in the care of (absolutely bloody fantastic) strangers! So fucking stop whining about your baby being taken downstairs for 5-10 minutes BY THEIR FATHER! I know this is in contrast from my earlier post saying no one can tell you how to feel, but you’re bloody lucky!

What you went through is awful but this sort of competition isn’t helpful.

“Oh your mum’s overbearing and judgmental and trying to dictate how you raise your child? Well MINE’S DEAD SO STOP WHINING?”

“Oh your husband is useless at home and doesn’t help with childcare and just sits playing Fortnite all evening? WELL MINE’S DEAD SO STOP WHINING.”

“Oh your job is shit and miserable and you’re not being fairly remunerated and all the men do less and get paid more? WELL YOU’RE LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB SO STOP WHINING.”

I think I’ve made my point.

It’s difficult when you’re in their home for whatever reason. I’m not sure why other people were there during lockdown though... I’d not have been happy with that.