AIBU to still feel upset by this?

[Frostino]

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

[quote CupOfTeaAlonePlease]@Bluntness100 oh yes every brand new mother traumatised by a difficult pregnancy and birth feels completely 'chill' while their helpless newborn is in another room being passed around like a joint by insensitive in laws and strangers. there is no emotional, hormonal or biological urge to be with their baby at all

Kudos to you for being a super relaxed mum. Not everyone feels the same. [/quote]
Calm down. And I never classified myself as super relaxed when my husband took my daughter into another room and gave me a break. In fact it’s perfectly normal.

@ComtesseDeSpair but that is the thing. If my dp did not agree with the two weeks alone and wanted otherwise I would of understood. But as.i said in my op we both agreed on this before I gave birth, he wanted the same thing.

Was this during lockdown?

@Milkshake7489 thankyou! I feel like everyone is getting the wrong end of the stick here. I DID NOT ONCE say the couldnt have visitors around (which they shouldnt of been anyways as it was lockdown but that's another issue) I appreciate it is not my home. But as a pp said just because I live there, which trust me if i had anywhere else to go i would have but i dont, doesnt mean they can do what they like with me and my baby! They are my pil and also have a responsibility to make sure me and my baby are okay. Again they could of had all the people over that they wanted during the first two weeks of my birth, I just didnt want them to be constantly badgering my dp to bring our baby down. I didnt like being away from her. I hated that I couldnt even hold her let alone if I wasnt with her. I was also very worried these people had covid and were coming into contact with my baby!

@Perfect28 yes

I think that was really insensitive. He’s pandering to his family at your expense. Really feel sorry for you, you need to move out and have your own space

Couldn't you have simply said that you'd like to spend time with your baby alone to everyone?

[quote Frostino]@ComtesseDeSpair but that is the thing. If my dp did not agree with the two weeks alone and wanted otherwise I would of understood. But as.i said in my op we both agreed on this before I gave birth, he wanted the same thing.[/quote]
But it wasn’t his house to agree to having no visitors to. And it would be pretty awkward for him to essentially say to his parents’ friends who are asking to see his baby “no, my partner doesn’t want anyone else to see the baby for the first few weeks and isn’t even happy that you’re here in the first place.” Particularly since there’s presumably a reason you’re living with his parents in the first place which relies on their ongoing generosity or good will?

And in every post since then.

Struggling with? It's over, move on. Why harbour ill feeling when it's over? Letting things fester destroys relationships. I've been there.

MN is bizarre sometimes. Usually when a new mother posts saying they want time just as a family in the first few weeks after the birth if a baby, everyone piles on in agreement. Today someone is upset as the decision they made with their partner over their child has been ignored and they're in the wrong. Not to mention it was during lockdown so no one should be visiting any way! Let alone holding a vulnerable baby. I haven't met 3 babies in my family of covid!!

I sympathise with you. They shouldn't have been having anyone round as it was (I'm assuming UK) against the lockdown rules. He should have stuck up for you. Lockdown aside I think you would be being a bit precious!

@MummytoCSJH precisely my point. I dont know what people would expect me to do? I cant move out anywhere so I would either by homeless with a newborn or I could go back home but then my dp wouldnt be living with his dc. It was literally only for the first two weeks but it feels like I asked the world of people! They knew how much I have been through given I spent my whole pregnancy in their house so I dont get why they wouldnt of just given me the space I needed for abit. Even to this day they are very intrusive with my dc and I find it exhausting. I really do just want to be left alone with her for now

Well then no yanbu at all.

I don't think it's a seperate matter at all. Your newborn is vulnerable. They broke the law.

@ComtesseDeSpair for the hundredth time I did not say they couldnt have visitors around! I simply asked that we three could be left alone to adjust for the first two weeks. They could still break the law and have all their friends around, I just didnt want them near my baby! This is a pandemic people, I had to give birth alone. I had to stay in hospital when I couldnt move half my body and look after my dc alone. So I dont think its unreasonable to ask two weeks to be left alone

@Puffalicious please stop reading my post since it's obviously aggravating you and that's not my intentions here I'm just seeking help

This sounds like a communication problem. I think the issues you need to discuss are

• when you said you wanted no visitors in the first two weeks what did he think you were asking for
• you said you both agreed to this, would he have proposed it on his own, did he really agree or just not expect it to be an issue?
• is he uncomfortable saying no to his parents, especially when you are their guests
• what would or could be different if you have another child? What would you want and what does he want or would support?

@Tiredmum100 yes I know! I've read plenty of posts where people have defended the new mums right to having that alone time with her newborn. In fact people have even suggested it! So I was not expecting this reaction at all.... I feel like alot of posters are getting fixated on me saying my in laws cant have visitors when that was not what I said at all....

Your request for 2 weeks of peace was TOTALLY reasonable. Totally. However, there is no way at all that your DH can begin to understand how it feels to have a difficult birth and be a new mother. My husband was frankly utterly useless during my first labour and I was pretty upset for a while and wanted him to understand. He tried but just doesn’t get it and I ended up getting a birth and post natal doula for my second. He still doesn’t really understand, years later, but is an absolutely brilliant dad. I’m a SAHM and he works long hours during the week then takes them both out to the park at the weekends to give me a break and never minds getting up in the night if I can’t face it. I think what I’m saying is that it’s totally ok to be upset about the birth and immediate aftermath but he might never understand and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or will always be awful. I’m reading your OP as you wanting to get your head around whether his behaviour is forgivable or not. I think what I’m saying is that he might never quite get why you were upset but may redeem himself in other ways. Good luck

@RhiWrites yes I think that is the case. He has said before he doesn't like confrontation with his parents, I dont see it as that . He never seems comfortable on telling his parents anything really when there is an issue, and it's quite infuriating I see it as he cant just make a point to them for the goodness of our family. None of these issues have been unreasonable to bring up, I wish I could go into more detail about it but that would be very outing

You were not in your own home . If you were that would be different.

Your feelings are important and your feelings! It doesn’t matter if someone had it worse it doesn’t invalidate your feelings, please ignore PP that seem to state they had it worse etc it’s not a competition.

I do however think you can’t control visitors to your in laws house and if you weren’t comfortable you also had some responsibility letting it happen. You should have said no you aren’t comfortable in the moment. It’s not completely your OH fault.

If this was in your own home you would have had more control which I think is more if the issue here / the controlling emotion which is very strong for some people with a new born. That protective instinct.

It’s hard being a new parent, I think you need to try and think about how to move on so it’s not eating you up. You can’t change the past. Re thinking this over has no benefit and he’s already said sorry.

If there is other issues I think you need a conversation with OH about boundaries and support etc. Parenting techniques and how you want to move forward as a team

What is it with this site at the moment? New mum wants to recover from traumatic birth and bond with her baby without visitors for a couple of weeks? Recovering from surgery during a pandemic? What's hard to understand about that? Why can't the visitors wait for two weeks?

They were breaking the law, for sure, but like you say that's outwith your control. Putting Covid to the side would you still have requested 2 weeks with no contact with anyone? If so yabu, you can't live in someone else's house and be this precious.

But like I said, let it go or it'll fester into something bigger and alienate your DP and the ILs.

@FelicityPike I'm.sorry to here you and your little one had to go through that but I'm glad your all together home safe and sound. I dont mean to come across ungrateful, not everyone has this luxury I understand. I guess my point is I'm more disappointed in my dp for not having my back rather than the pil's doing what they want