AIBU to still feel upset by this?

[Frostino]

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

YANBU. Covid aside (because they shouldn’t be having visitors in lockdown anyway), you’d just had a traumatic major surgery. Your wishes should have been respected; it’s an emotional, vulnerable time.

Okay sure, it’s their house (but again, they shouldn’t have had visitors anyway), but it’s your baby. They should have been told that they can invite who they want round but they’re not meeting baby yet.

Obviously you’re in no state to say that after what you went through but that’s why your DP should have said it for you. He let you down by not doing so.

Surely you had the best answer for your dp by saying "I don't want you to take the baby downstairs to have close contact with people who could be covid positive!"

Why did you not say NO!

Frostino that’s what I’m getting at- it was possibly unrealistic to expect that if your in laws had guests over, they wouldn’t want to show off baby.

It’s not their baby to show off

Its also you dp child and if he took baby down and left you to rest then I can't see the issue
Unless this is recently and covid was a concern

Funny on mumsnet always moaning that dads should step up etc , yet when it comes to decsions the mums always right
Yes your dp should of taken your feelings into account but also re; baby you should of listened to what he wanted to and come to a compromise

Just read lockdown so your right to be more concerned and with covid and newborn I would of said no to dp and that if can't be followed you would move back to your parents a

@emilyfrost I feel like that gets lost. Yes my dc is their grandchild but I dont appreciate them overriding what I want for me and my own child with their wants. I hardly have any control in the environment I'm raising my dc in so when they dictate what is happening with my dc it's very frustrating. As I said before the pil's (particularly the mil) is very involved in my dc, always making comments on what she thinks is wrong and what I should be doing.

@donewithitalltodayandxmas and I would have, but he wanted the same thing hence why I cant understand why any of this happened. We was on the same page since it is both our first dc. We just wanted to be alone, but on this occasion his parents came first

@donewithitalltodayandxmas and if this wasnt true he should have been honest to me on what he wants. Not agree with no intentions of doing what we said and going against. Were meant to be a team.

@Hyppogriff

Also it’s ‘would have’ not ‘would of’

Yep. Because that's absolutely the most important thing here. 🙄🙄🙄

Don't worry about the new mum, don't worry that she's a prime candidate for PND FFS.

I hated my baby out of my sight when he was born. I would still be annoyed.

@Frostino the post hit a nerve because my ex used to do similar. I had a an operation and he arranged for his brother to come over. I asked him to cancel and he wouldn’t. Didn’t see why it would bother me when I’d be upstairs recovering. He didn’t understand why I didn’t want someone else in the house when I wanted him to be there looking after me!
The cherry on the cake was when his brother not only came, but brought his kid with him, who he then let into my room to say ‘Hi’ to his Aunty.

I was made to feel massively unreasonable when I objected.

I left him not long after. It was a lightbulb moment for me, when I realised he was never going to prioritise my feelings or wishes. I too was sick of the pathetic ‘I’m sorry’ after he had done it anyway.

@emilyfrost well no, quite. I’m not suggesting it was. I’m saying that OP possibly set herself up for disappointment here based on personalities involved, and the fact that they’re living in someone else’s house.

Yes my dc is their grandchild but I dont appreciate them overriding what I want for me and my own child with their wants. I hardly have any control in the environment I'm raising my dc in so when they dictate what is happening with my dc it's very frustrating.

They don’t get to dictate how you bring your baby up. They need to play by your rules when it comes to your child; it’s irrelevant that you live with them.

You need to start setting some boundaries now otherwise this is going to go on and on and just get worse.

If they offer unsolicited advice just use the broken record technique: “Thanks, I’ll bear that in mind.”

Don’t let them take over or override your wishes, and if your DP won’t stand up to them you’re going to have to.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants I just realised they literally went out of their way only to correct me! Didnt even contribute anything to this thread ... some people 😂

@IloveFebruary I'm sorry to hear that, you were not unreasonable at all to want that small amount of time for yourself. I get that men dont truly gauge how hard it is for us mums and what we go through, but as partners they should at least respect what we need during this hard time! I've lost count how many times I've been told sorry and that things will change....yeah right. Are you happier without him?

When did you move in? I'm not sure it was ever going to be practical to have the time to yourselves while living in pil house. Did he go along with the idea before or after dc arrival?

As I said before the pil's (particularly the mil) is very involved in my dc, always making comments on what she thinks is wrong and what I should be doing.

You don't have to follow the advice they give, but they won't stop giving it. You don't mention why you live with your PILs, but while you and your DP are struggling and you feel they are overbearing and not listening to you then it might be time to get your own home. Not with either of your parents.
I lived with my PILs when I was young, only lasted a few months, I told DH that we get our own place or I'm gone. We moved out, was skint for a long time but it all worked out. Some people can't stop getting involved, probably think they are "mothering" but it's more suffocating. Time to move out if possible.

It took me a long time to accept the relationship was over. He immediately moved on with someone else. I was single for years.
Despite this, yes I was happier.
I didn’t have DC with him though and this wasn’t the only thing he was shit at.

@emilyfrost it's mostly when my dc is crying. The mil will stop what shes doing to stand outside the door of whatever room I'm in and constantly ask what's wrong with the baby, and I find it very annoying. I know she doesnt mean to belittle me but it makes me feel like she thinks I cant cope.

No idea how old your baby is now, but unless you like being at loggerheads with your partner I suggest you try and let it go. As others have pointed out, you would have preferred two weeks alone but you were lucky that other complications didn’t keep you away from your baby. Personally I don’t actually get why people do it but that’s by the by.

Have a conversation with your partner. Otherwise he’ll roll over every time with his parents.

[quote Frostino]@emilyfrost it's mostly when my dc is crying. The mil will stop what shes doing to stand outside the door of whatever room I'm in and constantly ask what's wrong with the baby, and I find it very annoying. I know she doesnt mean to belittle me but it makes me feel like she thinks I cant cope.[/quote]
Then you need to live somewhere else.
You need your space.

If you made an agreement before birth that you’d have a quiet couple of weeks then he should have stuck to that. The whole point of discussing those things before birth is so your partner can be supportive of what you want for the first couple of weeks after the birth when you are likely to be tired and recovering from birth.

It is more complicated because you live with your in laws. I’d say this is a sign you need your own space.

How long are you planning to stay there?

@TheWitchersWife we have both agreed the ideal situation would be to have a place of our own, but my dp is in no financial situation for that to happen and I've been out of work since i was pregnant. The thing is he knows how I feel about our living arrangement and expects me to hold out on the possibility of us moving but it's looking less and less likely as time goes on and his finances arent improving