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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still feel upset by this?

207 replies

Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:06

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

OP posts:

Sammiesnake · 11/02/2021 18:54

I think you’re overreacting but perhaps there’s a lot more about the relationship upsetting you and think is just the last straw! His parents sound generous, caring and interested so try to appreciate them at least.

VasterThanEmpires · 11/02/2021 18:59

@o8O8O8o

They have a responsibility to make sure their dgc is safe and in good health do they? afaik parents have a legal duty of care towards their children, not so grandparents, or is this something specific to their culture of origin?

Wow.

In my family we all look after one another and make sure everyone is ok.

This might be culturally specific I suppose? I'm from Kent if that helps?

YANBU op. If someone in this house had been in hospital I would help them to recover physically and mentally and support them. Not sure why that is controversial...

Puffalicious · 11/02/2021 19:01

To the PP who suggested Re-enacting the traumatic birth can help with healing? What on Earth?!

OP you really need to get back onto the council- tell them you are vulnerable due to living conditions. I think you would be far happier if you even got on the waiting list and had a light at the end of the tunnel. Your DP's debt is a huge problem for you-it's a real burden in life not of your making. Can your family help with a deposit for private rental and perhaps you'd qualify for housing benefit, either as a couple or on your own? Like a PP said, you need to break thr cycle.

As for the original issue, you need to let it go. It was obviously some time ago now, so you need to move on.

Original poster

Frostino · 11/02/2021 19:10

@Phoenix21 not trying to reveal certain info but ges were are relatively young and dc is just over 2 months

OP posts:

Original poster

Frostino · 11/02/2021 19:17

@Puffalicious I did look into private rental but couldnt understand it much, it seemed still expensive? I'm going to look into it again. I want to flesh out all my options. My family are in no situation to help and I wouldnt expect them to, I feel this is all my responsibility and wouldnt want to stress them any more (they have been out of work from covid and are having money problems)

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 11/02/2021 19:26

That’s understandable re fear of outing.

Here’s a shelter link to private renting through the council. england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/rent_deposit_bond_and_guarantee_schemes

I’d channel my energy into things I can do something about. Housing, thinking about education, work and general future.

In all honesty, it’s unlikely this relationship will last - doesn’t sound as if he has much to offer. So you need to focus on plans to independently secure your future.

Pixilicious · 11/02/2021 19:38

Person posts in aibu asking for opinions. Doesn’t like some of the responses they get so argues. Why post in aibu if you don’t want people to respond??

Original poster

Frostino · 11/02/2021 19:42

@Phoenix21 thankyou for the link I'm checking it now. Will call citizens advice tomorrow for some more guidance and options. Together or not with my dp I've always wanted to have a secure future, especially for my dc!

OP posts:

Rillington · 11/02/2021 19:52

It sounds like you should have stayed in hospital if you couldn't walk, climb the stairs or hold your baby. That sounds very unusual to me.

It's natural to want to show your baby off to visitors. Your DH was just excited by the sounds of it.

Puffalicious · 11/02/2021 20:01

[quote Frostino]@Puffalicious I did look into private rental but couldnt understand it much, it seemed still expensive? I'm going to look into it again. I want to flesh out all my options. My family are in no situation to help and I wouldnt expect them to, I feel this is all my responsibility and wouldnt want to stress them any more (they have been out of work from covid and are having money problems)[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear this. Didn't realise DC was so little. Can you bear to give it a little longer? Your hormones will still be going haywire. The first 8 weeks were always blurred in a sea of hormones for me with all 3 DC. Once you're more settled you could start to look into private rental/ the council/ benefits. If you move out on your own it doesn't mean you and dp can't be together- you can live on your own for independence but still be in a relationship if you choose: there are many ways to be happy.

ancientgran · 11/02/2021 20:56

@Its5oclocksomewhere83

YANBU at all, middle of a pandemic, you should not have to accept your baby being passed around at all. It being your in laws house is not an excuse for them to parade your baby around without your consent xx

We don't know if the baby was passed round but if it was the father was clearly consenting.

ancientgran · 11/02/2021 20:58

Original poster

Frostino · 11/02/2021 21:20

@ancientgran whilst were under their roof yes - in the sense that them and only them can make sure that we abide by lockdown rules and dont have people over. As I said to my dp if roles were reversed and we was in my house I would be asking the same off my parents. But the difference there being I know I wouldnt even have to ask because my dm takes the lockdown very seriously and want what's best for me and dc

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 08:25

whilst were under their roof yes - in the sense that them and only them can make sure that we abide by lockdown rules and dont have people over. As I said to my dp if roles were reversed and we was in my house I would be asking the same off my parents. But the difference there being I know I wouldnt even have to ask because my dm takes the lockdown very seriously and want what's best for me and dc

But your parents won't even allow you to stay there, so they're not doing that much to do what's best for you and your DC...

Again, not picking a fight, but you seem to be in the mindset that your parents can do no wrong and your PIL owe you an awful lot.

Original poster

Frostino · 12/02/2021 09:14

@aSofaNearYou as I've stated before in a previous reply my parents have made it known the door is always open for me and dc. The only reason I have not gone back is because there isnt enough room for dp and I dont want to do that to him. So I've stayed in pil's house to help keep our family unit together .... NOT because I want to.

OP posts:

julachu · 12/02/2021 10:02

YANBU OP. I'm actually a bit shocked by some of the comments which seem needlessly cruel, as if they just want to make you feel worse! In my opinion, it's two weeks - it's not a long time to ask for special privacy when you are at your most vulnerable, especially given that we're in the middle of a pandemic so why should they be having people over anyway? You can't control what they do in their own home but you absolutely have a right when it comes to yourself and your child. And your partner should have supported you in that since they are his parents so his place to have the conversation and stick to the boundaries you'd agreed. Babies aren't communal property to be shared around.

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2021 10:28

My intention is not to be cruel. I had an ECS myself so I do know what it's like.

But in my opinion, when living with parents as an adult, you need to be prepared to be quite gracious. Doubly so when you are bringing children, too. Your expectations would be reasonable if you lived alone but honestly, if I was welcoming someone into my home and they made it clear they thought me overbearing and kept reiterating their "boundaries", I would begin to think they were being quite ungrateful and the situation would become tiresome.

It's bound to feel overbearing living with PIL, but that's the reality, you can't really expect to be able to request enough privacy that it wouldn't feel this way. And you will quickly outstay your welcome if you do take this approach.

ancientgran · 12/02/2021 10:39

[quote Frostino]@ancientgran whilst were under their roof yes - in the sense that them and only them can make sure that we abide by lockdown rules and dont have people over. As I said to my dp if roles were reversed and we was in my house I would be asking the same off my parents. But the difference there being I know I wouldnt even have to ask because my dm takes the lockdown very seriously and want what's best for me and dc[/quote]
Let's face it you didn't mention covid or lockdown until other people suggested it to you. You wanted 2 weeks alone in a bedroom in someone else's house.

If you were in your own house you could do what you like but you aren't.

2ndtimemum2 · 12/02/2021 10:50

@ancientgran the op did mention covid in her first post first paragraph!

Op I do feel sorry for you but unfortunately its not your pils fault, they didn't come into the room and take the baby your partner did so there's something clearly lacking in relationship if he's not respecting your needs.

On the other hand you do seem very ungrateful to you pils for providing a roof over your head which I'm guessing is free? Maybe its time to move home where your needs will be better met?

o8O8O8o · 12/02/2021 10:58

OP has has said nothing about how she came to be in this situation where she has a husband and a baby but the two of you have no home of your own🤷‍♀️

2ndtimemum2 · 12/02/2021 11:06

@o8O8O8o

OP has has said nothing about how she came to be in this situation where she has a husband and a baby but the two of you have no home of your own🤷‍♀️

READ THE OPS POSTS!! She has actually given a full run down..they're young it was an unplanned pregnancy she applied for housing and was refused. Her family dont have enough room for her her partner and a baby so thats how they came to live there!

o8O8O8o · 12/02/2021 11:25

Aha! Now all makes sense!
Problem is OP that when relying on the charity of others you are not in a position to bargain or negotiate, you are overplaying your hand

Original poster

Frostino · 12/02/2021 15:29

@aSofaNearYou I do not appreciate a random stranger trying to portray me to be something I'm not. Maybe I came across ungrateful in my post but just because I dont mention how grateful I am doesnt mean I'm not?! I thought this website was a safe space to vent what your feeling and that is exactly what this thread is, the ugly and the Good. But it doesnt take away from the fact that I am aware how much the pil's have done for me. I'm not constantly "badgering them on boundaries" I would never do that to someone in their own home. I'm not stupid I can see my living situation for what it is. I havent constantly pestered them I simply only asked ONCE for two weeks of space with my newborn coming back from the hospital. Honestly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frostino · 12/02/2021 15:32

@ancientgran but I did mention covid. It was one of main concerns. Newborns have no immunity and I felt we were both so exposed. But hey if something happened it's all okay as long as mils friend gets to see my baby! Not. I'm getting exasperated now of having to justify myself to people that cant be bothered to read my posts properly. Pps are right you and other people's posts are being unnecessarily cruel and I dont need it. I'll sort this out on my own.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 12/02/2021 15:37

Bottom line is that you need a home of your own before you start a family.

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