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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still feel upset by this?

207 replies

Frostino · 11/02/2021 13:06

Had a pretty horrific pregnancy, none of it went smoothly really. I live with dp's parents. Whilst I was pregnant I specially asked dp that we kept at least the first two weeks to ourselves, to adjust and especially since this was during lockdown I was nervous having visitors when my baby is so vulnerable. He agreed and that was that.

Roll on to the birth and I ended up having an emergency c section. It was horrible. I came back after 3 days in hospital and was thrown out of all sorts, couldnt walk and couldnt hold my baby. Emotionally I was a mess. And yet throughout the first two weeks of us being back dp's parents had family and friends over, and was constantly asking for dp to bring down and introduce our child.

Now my problem here is that he seems to think it was reasonable as I was not expected to say hi to visitors, they only came for the baby (made me feel great huh). But it got my back up the what we had agreed together went out the window, no one respected what I wanted for me or my baby. And I was so exhausted I just wanted to be left alone. I have brought it up to him since I'm still.upset by it, felt like it really put the icing on the cake for my traumatic birthing experience. But all he could muster up was a useless "I'm sorry" and when I challenged him on why it happened he had nothing to say to himself. Presumably he just either didnt have the balls to say no to his parents, or he just didnt care or respect my wishes.

AIBU to still be upset? I just feel like it could of been something so easily avoided.... I couldnt of had the pregnacy I wanted and he couldnt even give me the first couple of weeks at home that I needed

OP posts:
2ndtimemum2 · 11/02/2021 18:18

Op my heart goes out to you. One thing (and I apologise in advance if you've already answered this) but did you and your dp talk to his parents to let them know your wishes regarding the 2 weeks privacy? If not then your pils are completely blameless as they weren't made aware of your agreement.

Also how many visitors are we talking about op? People breaking the covid rules really boil my blood...I've seen so many mumsnet posters up and arms on other threads because of people breaking the covid rules but here people seem to have no issue with the pil doing it and doing it with a newborn in the house.

However op while you are under their roof its their rules..they probably got excited about showing off their grandchild.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:19

@strawberrypip and @InDreamland thankyou you both hit the nail in the head with your posts. I honestly felt placing my feelings on a website based on other mums and their struggles I would get more understanding. But apparently being a first time mum after a traumatic birth and expecting your partner to support what you both agree on to make life more easier amounts to nothing on this.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 11/02/2021 18:20

[quote Frostino]@Milkshake7489 thankyou! I feel like everyone is getting the wrong end of the stick here. I DID NOT ONCE say the couldnt have visitors around (which they shouldnt of been anyways as it was lockdown but that's another issue) I appreciate it is not my home. But as a pp said just because I live there, which trust me if i had anywhere else to go i would have but i dont, doesnt mean they can do what they like with me and my baby! They are my pil and also have a responsibility to make sure me and my baby are okay. Again they could of had all the people over that they wanted during the first two weeks of my birth, I just didnt want them to be constantly badgering my dp to bring our baby down. I didnt like being away from her. I hated that I couldnt even hold her let alone if I wasnt with her. I was also very worried these people had covid and were coming into contact with my baby![/quote]
Your PIL don't have a responsibility to make sure you and your baby are okay. I am assuming you and your husband are adults and you are responsible for yourselves and the baby.

Babyboomtastic · 11/02/2021 18:21

@2ndtimemum2

I think a lot of us (me included) are answering this in relation to the ops request rather than it being a breach of lockdown. That's not too say that we agree with the beach, but that's not what the op is complaining about.

2ndtimemum2 · 11/02/2021 18:28

[quote Babyboomtastic]@2ndtimemum2

I think a lot of us (me included) are answering this in relation to the ops request rather than it being a breach of lockdown. That's not too say that we agree with the beach, but that's not what the op is complaining about.[/quote]
The ops first paragraph of her first post states she was worried that her baby was vulnerable during a lockdown.

Now if there was no lockdown then the op certainly has no right to say who is in the house and the oil could have the whole neighbourhood in the house however we are in a lockdown and house visits are illegal so there shouldve been no one in the house so this shouldn't have been an issue!

Knotmyname · 11/02/2021 18:28

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, but I'm very surprised that the majority seem to think YABU, and that you've had replies saying it's fine for baby to be shown off without you present.

I live with just my partner and now our son, but I understand your feelings. We did wait a few days until I was ready for visitors. I do get on with my in-laws, but even then they came in and MIL literally took him out my arms, and every time we saw in-laws side since then it was people coming over with arms outstretched, and passing him between them to comfort when he was crying.

This was pre-covid, but it was too much to contend with in his first few weeks of life. We're due another soon and this time, in line with lockdown, we'll see people outside, distanced when ready (no contact). When holding is safe, I'm happy for people to do so, but if anyone tries to grab baby or take them when crying, I'll politely but firmly tell them no, not until he's settled. Partner is on side and will stick to it though, which makes it easier. Should say this is for everyone, my side of the family included.

Just wanted to say you aren't being unreasonable, you're under no obligation to show your baby off or hand them over to anyone.

OPTIMUMMY · 11/02/2021 18:28

Not unreasonable in the middle of a pandemic to not want your newborn passed around a bunch of visitors who were breaking lockdown rules. If one of them had Covid and passed it on to your baby and you the posters on here would have been outraged on your behalf.
I remember just getting home from the hospital with my new born to having loads of family descending on me over the following days, with me running around making them tea etc. It was that experience that made me a lot clearer with my boundaries when DC2 came along. People go a bit gaga over a newborn so them having visitors over was always going to result in them wanting to see your baby. It sounds like your DP didn’t feel like he could say no to them and as others have said a lot of that will come down to feeling like he can’t because it’s not his house and also the pressure from them being there, all enthusiastic and desperate to see your DC.

I think it will be very hard to move on if you keep holding onto your annoyance at this. You know the only real answer is to get your own place either with or without your DP or uou will continue to have these issues. I would make a plan of how you are going to achieve this independence. Is your DP getting advice about his debts? Are you sure your DP really wants to move? Is he maybe quite happy where he is? Are you willing to go out and get a place of your own?

Good luck, living with extended family is never easy.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:29

@ancientgran actually that's were your wrong. We had a covid scare because someone that wasnt meant to come over did and had tested positive. We all had to go into isolation. I was so scared for me and my baby and had a massive breakdown. They have a responsibility to make sure their dgc is safe and in good health. And if they care for me as they say the do then me as well whilst I'm.vunerable and recovering from surgery

OP posts:
o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 18:32

They have a responsibility to make sure their dgc is safe and in good health
do they?
afaik parents have a legal duty of care towards their children, not so grandparents, or is this something specific to their culture of origin?

wewillmeetagain · 11/02/2021 18:32

@Frostino you are completely in the right to feel unhappy with this situation. Absolutely no way would I have allowed this to happen when mine were babies let alone during a pandemic! However the problem is with your DP not your PIL, he was the one who knew your feelings on the situation and he was the one who ultimately should have stopped it happening.

billy1966 · 11/02/2021 18:33

OP,
It all sounds very stressful for you.

What you asked was not unreasonable.

Very rude for them to say they just wanted to see the baby.

If they are very intrusive it must be difficult.

What a disaster having to live with them.

Would taking a break at your family's home help.
Flowers

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:34

@OPTIMUMMY my goodness your post has reminded me of the first time a visitor came over and my mil made a remark about how I "can calm down now since the visitor didnt hold dc" like that made it any better. So she clearly knew I was uncomfortable but obviously her friends seeing my child was more important to her. I also found it to come across quite snide, it took me by surprise

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 11/02/2021 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

2ndtimemum2 · 11/02/2021 18:34

@o8O8O8o

They have a responsibility to make sure their dgc is safe and in good health do they? afaik parents have a legal duty of care towards their children, not so grandparents, or is this something specific to their culture of origin?
They have a legal obligation the same as me and you and the whole country to STOP the spread of covid!!! And thats why we have a lockdown stopping home visits!
Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:35

@o8O8O8o they do when its during a lockdown and they control who comes in and out of their house. I'm grateful none of us got covid but if we did it would of been because someone had came to visit who legally wasnt even suppose to!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 11/02/2021 18:37

[quote Frostino]@ancientgran actually that's were your wrong. We had a covid scare because someone that wasnt meant to come over did and had tested positive. We all had to go into isolation. I was so scared for me and my baby and had a massive breakdown. They have a responsibility to make sure their dgc is safe and in good health. And if they care for me as they say the do then me as well whilst I'm.vunerable and recovering from surgery[/quote]
They are wrong to break the lockdown rules but you and your husband are responsible for your child. You seem to think you can tell them what their responsibilities are but they don't get any rights with it. That isn't how it works, if you want them to share your responsibilities then you need to accept they get some rights with that.

If you are living in an unsafe situation you and your husband need to do something about it.

icratt · 11/02/2021 18:37

@Frostino I'm astounded at the horrible replies you've been getting. I haven't RTFT but I've read your posts. I'm so sorry this happened and I completely understand your upset with your partner for not respecting your agreed upon wishes/discussing a change in his feelings/standing up to his parents when it came to it. It's an important, vulnerable time even when you haven't had a traumatic birth experience or challenging pregnancy and you were not asking for anything extreme or strange, even if you are staying in someone else's house. I don't believe that means you don't have a right to ask for something like this and I would feel terribly betrayed by my partner. I'm sorry the grandparents weren't able to also respect your wishes. The best thing for their grandchild would have been the time you'd asked for to bond and heal and be with them, at any time, let alone during a pandemic.

In terms of how you move past this, it's ok to grieve the time you didn't have, and feel angry, and express how you feel, but it sounds like your partner may not be able to offer anything than 'sorry'. Perhaps further down the line he may be able to go into it more? Perhaps when you're able to have a space you could recreate this time with your baby, in the way reenacting the birth you were hoping for can be healing when things have been traumatic. Might sound silly but thought I'd put it there. Mostly I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. I hope you are able to move past if, I've found with my birth related trauma, despite how awful I felt afterwards, as time has passed it has shifted and become a small part in a much bigger story (I never thought I'd say that) but I've been fortunate to be able to process it a lot in therapy and other supportive spaces.

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:38

@2ndtimemum2 honestly I cant remember a number but it was alot. Like every other day of those two weeks. Sil and all of her family, mil friends ( about three) other Sil and her family. So over 10 guests

OP posts:
morninglive · 11/02/2021 18:38

YANBU to feel fed up with it all
YABU to live with the DPs parents and expect them to not want to see their GC. Move out as soon as you are back on your feet.

Babyboomtastic · 11/02/2021 18:40

I don't think you can reframe this as being a pandemic thing, when you've literally said earlier that you don't care who your in laws have around.

We're they wrong to have people round during a lockdown - undoubtedly yes. But that's not why made this thread, it was because you wanted two weeks without anyone else seeing your baby after a difficult pregnancy. The lockdown seems to be a slight side issue (though I appreciate it was mentioned initially, it just clearly wasn't the main issue).

Original poster
Frostino · 11/02/2021 18:42

To those suggesting I have very recently taken a break from living with pils and dp. I loved being back home but since moving back everything has resurfaced for me along with other issues i do not wish to touch on this thread but with the same undertone to it. I'm looking at either moving out and being a single mum or trying council housing again. Thanks for the suggestions. As for my relationship who knows

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 11/02/2021 18:45

@Babyboomtastic Who cares whether it would bother you? Are you the OP?

Phoenix21 · 11/02/2021 18:49

They shouldn’t have had people around under lockdown, that goes without saying. I also assume this was happening throughout your pregnancy/lockdown?

Mind you, depending on tier couldn’t you have visitors 3/4 months ago? I cannot even remember as we just decided not to have visitors throughout.

However you have bigger issues than that really.

I remember at booking in the midwife told my DH that he was now ‘keeper of the cave and needed to protect his family’, I assume she said that to all dads.

He took that a little too seriously as he had a booking system for visitors (PFB) Grin.

However he was only able to do that as we have full control over our house.

If we lived with parents we just wouldn't have that control and he would be forced to upset ‘someone’.

Can you look for a private rent via the council? I think they help with deposits then UC to pay rent.

Can I ask OP are you relatively young?

Its5oclocksomewhere83 · 11/02/2021 18:50

YANBU at all, middle of a pandemic, you should not have to accept your baby being passed around at all. It being your in laws house is not an excuse for them to parade your baby around without your consent xx

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 11/02/2021 18:54

I get it OP, I had a similar experience when I had my first. My ex kept banging on about how the baby was his parents first grandchild and how important it was for them to bond and be able to show her off. I wanted a break alright but not from my baby. It hurt being parted from her- emotionally and physically.

I think the reason you’re not over this is because you can’t when your partner can’t/is refusing to see how and why you’d feel the way you did. I don’t know how you get past that but in my personal experience I only got over it by taking back control and being very firm that this was my child not my inlaws, finding my own place so I was independent of them and making sure I was never in such a position again.