Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

155 replies

pixiella · 30/10/2007 11:40

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

OP posts:
berolina · 30/10/2007 15:52

pixiella, MNers as a whole are very rarely hurtful or insensitive (on purpose) - they tend to speak as they find (fortunately). I had to get used to it too when I first joined, and had quite a roasting on a couple of threads. But the support here when the chips are down is like nothing else.

I've had three miscarriages, and my sons were conceived 3 and 4 months respectively aftr nos. 1 and 3. Being pregnant after miscarriage, particularly when the grief is still so raw and consuming as yours seems to be, is not an easy ride. Many of us know this and based our advice at least in part on this knowledge.

PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 15:53

Thanks for answering for me squeely. Had to dash.

LucifersLuckyUnderpants · 30/10/2007 15:58

ah right the old troll thing, pixie i will reiterate what i have already said, you are an adult, you are old enough to make up your own mind about what you want to do with your life, we cannot predict what will happen once we have children, i totally understand where you are coming from, in that being pregnant changes your whole life and you have thought it through and have the support of a loving partner
everyone has there own opinions and experiences to share, but we cannot live our lives based on those, i was a mum at 17 and it has never stopped me doing any of the things i wanted to do, i did them regardless because i was determined and i wouldnt change my life, i have made mistakes but we all have our own bridge to cross and we live and learn. being a mum is wonderful! and you will make the most of it i am sure, i hope things turn out how you want them to, only you can make YOU happy

pixiella · 30/10/2007 16:00

thanks...hmm well i just read the thing about trolls and im definately not one! how mean of someone to say that : (

thanks berolina...i guess it's just hard being judged like that when im already in a such a sensitive state...m/c in april and 5 days to go til my AF is due and i find out if im pg or not...also i guess i am young and inexperienced at mumsnet! I just think it's sad how some people can be so supportive and lovely and understanding on here and then other people so horrible. ALOT of those posts were good...they gave me something to think about...but a few were just SO hurtful and they were joking around as if my life was something to make fun of and as if 'how stupid and naive of this silly little girl ha ha ha'

that's why i responded so defensively...im usually very balanced ! this just pushed me over the edge i guess. I was reaching out for help and advice and encouragment and didn't quite get what i bargained for. probably should have posted this on the pregnancy or TTC board.

anyway thank you so much for the people here who have treated me like a human being and offered your experiences and advice.

OP posts:
pixiella · 30/10/2007 16:01

thanks lucifers : ) xxxxx

OP posts:
PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 16:04

pixiella - just as a complete aside and because I am nosey by nature, how did you find MN? I only found it accidentally earlier this year and my DS is now 4.

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 16:04

pixie if you weren't offered counselling before you can get it from your gp

just go and ask for it

pixiella · 30/10/2007 16:09

I will. but like i said im moving GP's at the moment cos im moving in with my dp once the flat is ready.

thought you weren't coming back on here CappuScreamO ?

have you read my last few messages which i posted after i'd recovered from reading all the posts?

OP posts:
CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 16:13

I just came back to say that again because you said you hadn't been offered counselling

and I still do think you need some very soon

dizietsma · 30/10/2007 16:33

Pixie, I've only read your posts on this thread, but I think you should do what feels best. Ignore all the naysayers, I think it'd be lovely to have a babies at your age.

Having a baby is hard work, but nothing anyone says to you beforehand will make you understand just how much work it is. People talk about how they fitted kids into their "life plan" at the perfect moment in their career, after uni and marriage. They talk about how they prepared dilligently as if they were any more aware of what was coming than you are. They weren't. No-one is. And that's OK. It's the illusion of control that some people need to feel comfortable.

You sound like a passionate and engaged woman, I think you'd make a lovely mum, follow your heart.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 16:50

thank you so much dizietsma....you're post brought tears to my eyes after a stressful and distressing afternoon on mumsnet....

your post was the equivalent of a reassuring hug. I just needed one person, just one to believe in me to reassure me that I can do this and that the decision I have made is ok.

Thank you SO much. You're an angel.

OP posts:
themildmanneredaxemurderer · 30/10/2007 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 17:41

Another long post !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll just explain what exactly offended me and caused me to become so defensive and upset so that there's no misunderstandings. And then, I'll TRY not to post on here again.

of course i understand that people are trying to pass on their life experiences and wisdom on here etc etc to stop me making a mistake...

but what about the lady who hinted that i might be a troll with her 'trip trap' comment?:

I now find that I am going to say something I never thought I would say:

TRIP TRAP.

So many have wasted so much time on this.

and the person who said:" Sounds to me like you are not at all ready for motherhood" and another person: "I've got to say at this point that it's here that you're showing how painfully young you are and how little idea you have of what having kids will be like." - after i've already said i've been pregnant before, lost a baby and am now 5 days away from finding out if im pregnant again or not?

and CappuScream who said: You seem to think that motherhood is not going to be mindnumbingly banal. It is. It's lovely, but it is also mindnumbingly banal. Especially if you are skint - assuming that because im young that im going to be poor and unfortunate.

and again CappuScream - oh I know we are not supposed to say that you are young or naive. But if you come out with stuff like that? Honestly just read it again.

You really think that a night at Glastonbury is comparable to the possibility of 2 years of broken sleep, the constant ties of a colicky crying baby, with no money?

If you want to be treated like an adult on here you have to think twice before coming out with crap like that.

??? not hurful.....yeah. right.

and cappuscream again - "but like an 18-year-old, Pixie seems to be saying that she knows better than anyone older or more experienced than her, including those on here who are trying to advise her, and that is what makes her youth most obvious" - when did i say i know better than anyone older than me? i was just trying to explain to all of you the sort of person that i am and justify my reasons for wanting to be a mother (which no one should have to do except to social services!)

and again scaryscarynight making fun of me: "Add money worries to that, as you have no education, and too tired to work the tills at your local grocery store, and find childcare too expensive.....

The Glastonbury Festival Euphoria will seem a long way off! And then you realize, oh my flipping heck, no more festival happyness ever again as that is no suitable place for a baby...." she says i have no education (i do, and alot more than some people), she insinuates that i'll be working at a supermarket....?? and that i won't be able to afford childcare. All assumptions by the way...for all she knows I could be flipping Paris Hilton!

And the debate about whether a festival is a good place for a baby is completely diff. subject but i've seen PLENTY of happy babies and mothers at festivals. tens of thousands of people take their babies to various festivals every year!

someone else said: "no-one here is treating you like a child, so please don't act like one" - when almost everyone here was treating me like a child, not as an adult who is capable of making her own decisions.

some one else said I was bitter...and that i needed professional help! I may get depressed sometimes after my miscarriage.. and im not denying that but that made me feel like they think i should be sectioned or something! lol.

and:" I thought you said in your OP that you wanted to be a freelance photographer

if you are geniune then your ideas are all over the place" - i said i wanted to do some freelance photography - so suddenly I can't do anything else as a career? that comment made me feel like i was unstable.... how unencouraging and judgemental ?

along with:

"I have read your profile and it seems to me that you are not particularly grounded at the moment."

"I honestly believe that you are not well."

"you need some help, you need to get some perspective"

"i dont think a baby is the right thing for you"

"lurching from miscarriage to pregnancy isn't necessarily the right thing to do"

All those messages don't seem too harsh, but to me...they really hurt. Especially as I never asked for advice about whether i should become a mother or not in my OP - come people just had to throw their 2 cents in anyway and make me feel inadequate and unstable - which I am not.

I will finish my post - the last post (i hope) that I'll have to make on this thread - with a comment from another user (Flier):

"I don't think that telling this woman that she should not be trying for another baby is the right thing to do here, as she says they have been trying for 2 months and will find out in 5 days if she is pg or not. Yes, she should be getting some counselling, but that is not what she posted the orig message for."

OP posts:
Heathcliffscathy · 30/10/2007 17:48

pixiella. is it possible that you are grieving? grieving your lost baby? grieving is a slow process.

I believe that major life decisions are best left if possible whilst you are in a state of grief. sorry you've been hurt by people's posts on here, but they are coming from a place of care not spite in the main i think.

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 17:54

well I really wish I had kept away from this thread but I haven't and now I am boiling mad

a lot of those quotes were mine

I have spent a good deal of time on this thread trying to help someone who is to my mind depressed and grieving and yes, young

so much so that I have read your threads over to make sure I understood them and even looked at your profile as you suggested in your OP

if my comments were construed as hurtful it is because you have read this whole thread in a defensive way

I believe you sound young, I'm sorry but I do, and if you have a problem with that then fine

but if my attempts to help are just thrown back at me in this manner, I wish I had never tried, I really do

good grief just go and do what the hell you want, and listen only to those who agree with you

ScaryScaryNight · 30/10/2007 18:00

Some of the comments were quoted from me too.

I stand by all of them, except the troll comment maybe.

That was based on being actually sworn at in a totally childish manner as a reply to my attempt at showing understanding and giving some honest and helpful replies.

Paris Hilton or not, you appear to be one preppy little madam, and should seek some professional help before you post on forums and go all defencive, shout and scream and rant like a blooming lunatic just because you dont like the replies.

PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 18:20

Come on, let's just leave it, shall we?

She is extra sensitive at the moment for any number of reasons and whatever is said to her will not make any difference.

Pixie - copy, paste, save the thread. Read ALL of it when you are feeling yourself again. Listen to your tone a little more maybe? And that is only a frienly thought. Please take it as such.

I don't think anyone here can help you on this particular matter because you don't agree with anyone but I truly hope you can continue to find support in other parts of MN.

Let's all say bye and press ignore so that we don't add to pixie's problems, yes?

notjustmom · 30/10/2007 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notjustmom · 30/10/2007 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 19:56

scaryscarynight - you call saying i have no education a helpful and honest reply? You were one of the people that hurt me the most in your replies.

I will repeat : I NEVER asked for your advice on mother, becoming a mother or asked you whether you think I should become a mother.

I DEFINATELY should have posted this on the pregnancy or conception board and not here. Or in a board about relationships with your family because what I was really wanting advice on was how to tell my grandparents about my changed life plan which I had already made my decision on.

I acknowlege that I'm greiving ..i've already acknowleged that i need counselling...i've acknowledged that i handled some of the responses in the wrong way but like I explained in my earlier post (which you obviously didn't read properly!) that i never meant to sound unbalanced or ranting or crazy or a blooming lunatic like you think I am....I was merely shocked by all this advice that was suddenly streaming my way telling me I SHOULDN'T become a mother and careful detailing why, and my personality and character being carefully picked apart based on some posts on an internet forum and a short profile which barely says anything about me !

I came here to ask advice about a family situation, a tiny teeny little issue compared to some of the others in my life, and I've been bombarded with A FEW women telling me im not fit to become a mother, im a 'blooming lunatic' and that i 'need professional help' I mean does this not seem CRAZY to anyone else? I MAY ALREADY BE PREGNANT, and I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT BEFORE and some of you people think that it's appropriate and that it will be helpful to me to tell me I SHOULDN'T have a child, that I am not the right sort of person or not in the right place right now. How ridiculous. I may sound young...and what a suprise I am, but I think ANYBODY told this sort of stuff....based on age, or situation or race or education or class...would feel belittled as a woman and downright bullied.

I've explained what comments made me feel what. Please respect that. You can't tell me how to feel, you might think you know what sort of person I am but you don't, you hardly know me. And you don't have the right to judge me.

I'll say it again I think ANYONE who was possibly pregnant or who had been pregnant in Feb and then lost the baby in March of this year would take offence and be defensive when given this sort of 'advice' in this sort of way on an internet forum when the OP was asking NOTHING to do with SOME of the responses given.

OP posts:
pixiella · 30/10/2007 20:05

Also Princess - please read my recent posts...I've tried to say thank you to all of you who've been so understanding and who've actually given me good advice in a positive way.

I've taken everyone's advice and comments on board - even the very negative and assumptious and patronising ones. I will consider them, but they only thing they will achieve if I am pregnant which I probably am....is that I will feel scared and uncapable of handling motherhood.

The only thing i object to is being talked to in this way and then the same people coming back later on in the day to say MORE negative, mean comments despite me having posted that I'm sorry if I sounded angry etc, I was merely shocked and hurt.

I'm sorry if I created a bad atmosphere but once again i never asked for any advice on whether i should become a mother.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 30/10/2007 20:06

Pixie - it is disingenuous to sugegst that your OP was only about how to deal with your GF over the money in your trust. Your OP spends more time talking about your miscarriage and TTC now than your GF and in fact it really isn't that obvious what your questions was. It really isn;t so surprising that so many people have read between the lines and deduced (perhaps wrongly) that your real issues are to do with becoming a mother.

The fact that you even quoted from a post of mine which I think was not at all judgemental as one that hurt you has made me realise that you are incredibly fragile.

If I knew how to ignire this thread I would because your aggression is winding me up when I know you really just need support.

(For reference, how do I ignore one specific thread?)

pixiella · 30/10/2007 20:08
  • correction from post before last: I was preg in Feb and lost the baby in April.
OP posts:
ScaryScaryNight · 30/10/2007 20:10

Kewcumber, when you see this thread in Active Convos, there is the option to "ignore" after thread title. Hit "ignore" and you will not see it in active convos, and neither in Threads I am on, if I am not mistaken.

Pixie, get some professional help with your grief and your agression, you seem to not know what you yourself post, neither are you able to interpret what posters reply to you. Good Luck. I have not read your new lenghty rant below, and I for one will hit the "ignore" on this thread now.

Kewcumber · 30/10/2007 20:11

Thanks Scary