to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

[pixiella]

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

and yes,I had my daughter at 18 so I KNOW how it feels to be a teenager and a mum...

perhaps you could explain to your grandmother how you feel, and she could explain to your grandfather?
because ist sounds as if you dont want to dissapoint him, which you feel that your current course of action will?

But it does sound like Pixie isn't your average 18 yr old.

Personally for me the years from 16 to 29 were one long pissed party similar to Pixie's description of Glastonbury etc. But I needed that time (maybe 13 yrs is excessive) to get all that out of my system so I was ready to settle down to the tedium of babies and small children. I know that if I hadn't had those years of parties, travel, inadvisable encounters I would have felt that I'd missed out massively and wouldn't have been a good mum.

Maybe Pixie is different, is all I'm saying

irises yes maybe pixie is different and there is nothing to say that you can't settle down when you are young with a long-term partner

but like an 18-year-old, Pixie seems to be saying that she knows better than anyone older or more experienced than her, including those on here who are trying to advise her, and that is what makes her youth most obvious

I know, it's odd for me because she's only 4 years older than my ds who is frankly an utter airhead (though I adore him, obv.)

yes with no friendly faces to talk to like you would at a festival, and the prospect of night after night of lonely night feeds and a complete lack of social life

i had my first dd at 21. It changed my whole life (of course). I never regretted her arrival but do I wish I could have had a bit more of life to myself before her arrival..you bet I do. And I didn't even really realise that until she was about 4 and at school...

Actually as a young mum( 18yrs old) I found the baby stage relatively easy..I aint going to dispute the nights where I wanted to hide or run away just to get 2 hrs of unbroken solid sleep but I found the utterly tiring stages of my daughter are now at 12/13yr old and I'm a fairly young mum (31)...some days I feel like running-its ultra hard dealing with pre teens.....

Add money worries to that, as you have no education, and too tired to work the tills at your local grocery store, and find childcare too expensive.....

The Glastonbury Festival Euphoria will seem a long way off! And then you realize, oh my flipping heck, no more festival happyness ever again as that is no suitable place for a baby....

this might look like 'heavy fire' pixie but it's not

it's not something you have to 'defend yourself' against

it's just some well-meaning people trying to give you a reality check

please take it

having a baby can be put off a year or too for a healthy 18 yr old...once they arrive they can't be put off for errrmm 18 yrs or so

I've been with dh since we were teenagers (we are now in our 30s) and we've been through a hell of a lot together. I would also encourage you to wait to have children.

I never had any doubts I would be with dh for the rest of my life. However, our marriage has developed over time in ways I could not have foreseen. We have just had our first ds (he is 10 months old) and I do not regret a single day we had together as a couple without ds. It has meant that we now have the ability to both focus on ds but know that when ds grows up and leaves home there will still be a relationship there worth having.

Parenthood is a wonderful thing, but it does impose a cost on a couple. It means you don't have the same possibility to dedicate yourselves to each other.

I count myself incredibly lucky to have met dh as young as I did. We have grown up together. I don't think we could be as close as we are if we had had children shortly after we met.

You are lucky that you met your partner young . You have a chance to spend a number of years together without biology getting in the way of you having a family. It would be a shame to waste that opportunity.

pixiella if you and your bf are finacially secure enough to support a chld then there is nothing wrong with your being parents at your age, if you have thought long and hard about it and it is what you both want then i see no reason why you cannot just tell your Grandparents your plans. Are you worried that they will not agree to give you the money you need if they know you are trying for a baby?

I had my first ds when i was 17, it wasnt planned and my parents wanted me to have a termination. I put my plans to go to uni on hold and it was a hard hard struggle, i didnt have a loving supportive partner (mine was abusive, controlling and unfaithful) and when my ds was 4 yrs old i became a single parent, i put myself through uni and worked part time as well as looking after ds, it was hard but i was determined to be a good supportive mother and my son (now 18) has turned out to be a well adjusted lovely young man, i now have a successful, well paid career and another ds (15 months) and im single again, and loving every minute of being a mum again.

I think if you are determined you will succeed in what ever you do in your life, whether it is being a mum or a lawyer or a doctor, you are the only person who knows what will make you happy, but whatever you do, do it with your eyes wide open, and be prepared for the hard work involved. You sound very determined (a bit like myself when i was your age) and mature and i think if you talk to your grandparents they can do one of two things, they will either support you or they wont, either way dont let it stop you doing what makes you happy. hope it works out for you, good luck.

It sounds to me like you have had a lot of life experience but in other ways you sound incredibly naive.

All I will say is this. You won't just be having a baby. It is a whole other person - the baby stage is sooooo short compared to the years of responsibility ahead. It never ends, it never gets easier it's just as hard but in different ways. I have a baby and two teenage girls. The baby is easy to deal with in comparison to the older two
even though they are angels compared to some teenagers.

You sound like you've already made up your mind and you will probably do a fine job of being a parent. It sounds like you have or will have financial security and a loving and supportive family which is very important.

People are only trying to give you the benefit of their experience - try and take it on board rather than dismissing it. What exactly did you want to hear?

ib, what a great post.

Hear, hear.

pixie, ive not read all of your posts (i'd be here all day ) but please don't give up on university. It IS possible to get an education AND have a young family. Loads of people do it. To be honest, i think its alot easier than establishing a business, i have dont both. Well just doing the last one. If you have good support then there is no reason why you shouldnt go to uni, AND have a child.

This is what i think, based on your OP.

I think the computor equipment and SLR are a great idea. 1200 doesnt seem very much though to get the sort of equipment that would help you go pro. I remember paying £600 for a digital camera for DP, which is now worth about £100 - two years later!

I'm waffling - i think, get some equipment, a digital camera (not SLR they are yet to fall enough in price, and i think they will) computor (if you really need it) and fairly decent printer. I think you should buy an ordinary SLR, you can pick up LOADS second hand, and some developing equipment, again, LOADS second hand, they practically give it away. I think it is really good practice to develop your own pictures, it forces you to think more about composition etc (what do i know, im a scienist not an artist).

Get your head straight re the baby, get pregnant (i wish you well with that) and get settled. Hold off on uni for a year or so, but dont please close the door. I am a totally different person for going to universtity, it turned my dull and shit world into somewhere exciting and full of opportunity. Ok so i am a SAHM at the moment, but i have the qualification to do what i want to do when the time comes. I did my degree when DD1 was 4, she is sooo proud of her mummy.

i am sorry for your loss re the miscarriage, i know this must have changed your view of things. It is hard for relatives to understand your grief, for them it is so difficult as they never "knew" the baby the way you did.

I think it is not helpful telling someone who has recently miscarried how her life would be so hard if she had a baby

We all know its tough being a mum, but its wonderful too.

Trust funds like all others sorts of inheritances really are up to the person providing it. In this case your Grandparents split up their sons money and give it to their grandchildren. It really is themselves who are giving you the money. Its up to them to give it to you how they see fit. If you need money you should try to earn it yourself. If the money wasn't in a trust you wouldn't expect them top just hand it over so there is no reason why you should expect that now. I'm sorry for your unfortunate miscarriages and I wish you luck with your pregnancy results

Having a baby will make you soooo happy. But sooooo tired and old (regardless of your age). If it's what you want and are lucky enough to be in a good position for it (financially, etc etc) then do it. But please copy and paste this whole thread, save it, and read it to yourself every so often. In about ten years time would be ideal.

The urge to have a baby is utterly normal. I'm sure everyone on this thread has had it. Particuarly when in a happy relationship. Nature's way. The reality is that most of us ar forced to wait until our lives permit an extra person in to the equation.

Lots of luck. Go with your instinct.

blimey this thread has moved on while i was typing, some of you are making parenthood aound like it is awful, yes it can be hard work and exhausting and lonely at times, but imo it has been extremely enjoyable and the rewards from watching your child grow up far outweight the sleepless nights and shitty nappies. I have experiened it from many side of the spectrum, i was a young mum, i was in a loving relationship at times, im now an older mum and ive had to work hard to build a career, but i wouldnt change having my children for the world.

Hmm, Pixiella I'm sure you are more mature than most people your age -- so was I (had many similar life experiences to yours in my teens) but even so, although I would have coped if I had had a baby then, I'm sure as hell glad that I waited until I was 30.

Staying up all night for week after week after week is nothing like being up all night at a festival because you want to.

Nannying a baby is nothing like being its mum full-time and forever.

Being on love with someone for one year is nothing like being with someone for five years, living together, dealing with the dull stuff like paying bills, and making a foundation strong enough to bring another person into the world for.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage and I'm sure it was devastating for you. However, that doesn't mean that you have to try another baby straight away. If your boyfriend really is the love of your life then he will still be around in a year or two's time and you will be in a much stronger position. You don't have to go to uni if you don't want to (I didn't) but you could give yourself some time to get set up in a job, a flat etc, start your business, then ttc in a year or two.