to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

[pixiella]

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

I second what MegBusset said

thanks to all the people who have offered advice and construcive critism....i do really appreciate it. and thank you for not writing me off as the 'average' 18 year old because that is not who i am.

of course i take on board everything about going into the experience with my eyes wide open, being prepared for everything...knowing that it's not just a baby it's a whole person for life....i know that. do you not think i have considered all that...im not an idiot who think 'awww i'll have a cute wittle baby ' er.rrrrrr i don't mean to be arrogant but im a intellegent person...i KNOW that teenagers are hard work..I was one...my brother is one. he does my head in but i still love him and so do my parents - they do the best they can.

being younger i'll be able to remember what it was like when they're 17 and im 30something i'll be able to relate to them more and understand what they're going through as they grow up rather than being like 'bloody snotty nosed teenager, he's trying to piss me off isnt he?!!rrrraaarrrh?!" etc

perhaps older mothers find it so hard to cope with sleepless nights because they HAVE a career that already demands 100% of their effort/most of their time so they find it very difficult to squeeze a child in and feel like they are sacrificing something in order to devote themselves to a child.
i don't have any of those responsibilities/debts/mortages to do with a full time 9-5 job and being a homeowner.
and yes...i probably will have those things in the future...but i won't resent my child for them...i'll know it was my choice.

Congratulations on your achievements Pixie and sympathy for your loss. You sound very hurt at the moment and it might be that only the passage of time can help. Miscarriage can mess you up for a while. It's the loss of a future as well as the baby. You will overcome this period of time. Your future is not now going to be the one you imagined while you were pregnant with this baby but you can plan what you want to do now for the different future in front of you. I hope things settle down for you soon.

I've read your post and it seems like you've spent this thread backing yourself up, getting cross with anyone who disagrees with you, and ignoring anything else

oh yes you're right you'll be the perfect mother and as older mothers we are so useless

I have read your profile and it seems to me that you are not particularly grounded at the moment. Having lost your former boyfriend and a baby is going to throw everything up in the air and make you want to go for something stable

but I honestly believe that you are not well. I am not being patronising, I know what depression is like, I know what bereavement is like, believe me I know far more than I wish I did

don't be so quick to dismiss us as interfering old biddies who want to rule your life, or who hate our kids or who think you are Vicky Pollard - you disrespect us and our attempts to help by doing so

you need some help, you need to get some perspective, and if all you are doing is seeking to back up a position that you are already confused about - you said it - then you are heading for a bigger emotional crash later on

I'm not coming back to this thread because I think everything that needs to be said has been said; I just think that you have not taken it all in

good luck

er....i didn't find the sleepless nights so hard cos i was older and had a career, I found them hard because they are hard, no matter how old you are! Nothing worse than being in a dark room, pacing with a screaming child thinking no one else in the world is up, it's JUST you, and you know that you will be up at 6 regardless of how little sleep u and baby have cos he/she will be hungry by then......feel like its never gonna end, u wonder why you thought having kids was a great idea, u wonder why yours must be the ONLY baby NOT sleeping through (but then you find out years later all your friends were lying!).....

I will honestly say it was truly horrible and I would have found it the same no matter what age I was.....

i think you have had some wonderful, constructive and big hearted advice, Pixie that you have almost wilfully taken the wrong way

some sweeping and rather unkind generalisations in your last post as well about older mothers, considering you shouted at some other posters for generalising about 18 year olds and here you are doing the same thing

sleep deprivation is horrific whether you are 18 or 38

i am sorry for your loss and i do think that professional counselling will help you to work through that

Well said CappusCreamo.

I too will leave this behind now.

My machine crashed when I was writing a reply and, by heck, the thread has moved on in the meantime.

Pixie,you have not responded to anyone who has asked whether you are receiving any counselling for your miscarriage. If you are not, then I would urge you to do so. I am making no judgements about the 'right time' to have a child, because there is no right time. However, I do personally beleive that you need to be at peace with yourself as much as is ever possible in this life before becoming wholly reponsible for the life of another.

The 'average' 18 year old does not exist of course. Nobody here has walked in your shoes - but we have walked in our own very few of us have had an easy ride - it does not exist. We are trying to help you talk this through. Nothing more, nothing less. we are honsetly not trying to patronise you -please do not, therefore, patronise us. We do have some stuff to share.

you say we are worse than your parents, but honey, you sound just like my DD, once she gets an idea in her 17 year old head there is no reasoning with her.

i dont think a baby is the right thing for you, you need to decide what it is you really want for life first. But here is a story about a friend of mine, completely true.

My friend 2 days younger than me!! as she likes to keep reminding me - became pregnant at 19, she married the father and sadly lost the child at a late stage of the pregnancy - very traumatic for her. She got pregnant again very quickly, went on to have a baby boy, then another, then another then another!! Thats four boys, under 5 by the time she was 25. They had no money, although managed to get a mortgage, they have struggled loads, but she has the four most polite and well behaved boys (the eldest is 16) i have ever met. They have had lots of help but they are doing really well. She went to universtity part time and got a law degree when the boys started school. They are really happy, and just starting to get their lives back at the ages of 35 and 40 after doing the whole parenting thing. Me, ive started again at 36!!

So my friends situation could mirror yours almost, young mum, just lost a child - they are doing ok. Incedentally, i think she had been with her now DH three WEEKS when she got pregnant with the first child. So it CAN work out. don't be disheartened, but if i were you, id sit back, let life happen. You dont know what is around the corner. Fate will intervene, if you are meant to be a mum, you will be.

Pixiella,
why don't you write a letter to your grandparents and tell them how your life plan has changed since your m/c? I don't think you have to go into detail about wanting to start a family, but perhaps hint at it. That way you won't feel you have been lying to them.
In your 1st post you say you are so excited about the thought of being pregnant and I hope you get what you have planned for, 5 days and counting, eh
Good Luck with your life, sounds like you and your dp have many exciting plans.

Wanting to replace a miscarriage (and even an abortion) with another baby is very common, but lurching from miscarriage to pregnancy isn't necessarily the right thing to do (regardless of whether you are a young whippersnapper or an old wrinkly).

The best advice you have been given on here is to get some counselling to talk about your miscarriage before making any further decisions.

To quote yourself "im so confused at the moment about everything", you need to sort that feeling out first.

phew........ i don't mean to sounds unbalanced or bitter or patronising and i don't mean to put down older mothers.. i was just trying to explain that mothers who have children later are in different circumstances as me (mortages,debt,fulltime job,etc). and im just stating that i wouldn't have those things to worry about with a newborn as some of you did.

I honestly...am in a bit of a state now..I'm usually very together, i promise! BUT that's only because I didn't expect the sort of critism I have recieved on here! I thought mumsnet was lovely and until now I have only ever recieved messages of support over my miscarriage and stuff like that and I wasn't prepared for some of the insensitive things SOME people have said on here. which are really hurtful.

I mean maybe im a little unsure about how my life is going to turn out and (isn't everyone my age?) that's why im scared and confused.

I am determined to have the best life for me and my baby if i am pregnant/if we keep ttc. and my partner. and if you're determined enough to achieve something then you will find a way to do it.

maybe i shouldn't have posted this on the AIBU board...

my miscarriage was in April...so I'm not freshly grieving about it although there are still some hard nights...and I'm not denying it's affecting my outlook on things..how could it not?

Once you've been pregnant you can never go back how you were before...im sure everyone will agree with me on this..your body..your mind..soul...outlook on life...everything.

Anyway...thank you for all the advice that has come from a well meaning place...I am not thankful for the abusive messages however from some people! Just plain mean.

I'm sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring the people saying nice things or asking me if I've had counselling but that's only for the reason that it's taken me so long to read all the post on the thread I've only just read all the recent ones on pages 3 and 4. I was just responding to some particularly hurtful threads to try and explain to them that I'm not as naive and unprepared as they think. That's why i've just posted long rambling messages which don't take into account all the recent messages!

I will have counselling, i'm just in the process of changing doctors as my current one is too far away.

and about the trust fund thing - this whole post (my OP!) was never about the money...im not being bitter they won't give me the money! i'd rather it stayed in there accruing interest and ready for when I decide about my education and when/what/where i will study.

i don't want all the money! im glad they're looking after it for me. i know my uncle (who killed himself and whose money it is) would approve of what im spending this tiny portion of 15000 on..because he was a photographer.

and about my ex-boyfriend who died..whoever mentioned that im not sure......when he died it was 3 years after we had broken up. We were together for 1 and half years. It hit me hard but it has nothing to do with my current relationship or anything im going through at the moment.

anyway. that's all i have to say. im sorry for seeming like im yelling at people or ranting or whatever...i was just shocked at how insensitive and patronising some people were being at angry at how it seemed some people were portraying motherhood as a horrible thing and how it seemed they were (as another poster said) 'telling a girl who's recently had a miscarriage about how bad having a baby would be.'

I don't think that telling this woman that she should not be trying for another baby is the right thing to do here, as she says they have been trying for 2 months and will find out in 5 days if she is pg or not. Yes, she should be getting some counselling, but that is not what she posted the orig message for.

Regardless of their age pixiella, I would have thought that anyone should get some counselling after a m/c. It must be a terribly traumatic time for you and latough you think that all your hurt will go away if you could just get pregnant again, it might not be the case. I don't know whether you are receiving any counselling but I really would second those that say you should get some.

Good luck.

Sorry, x posted with loads of people, my connection is so slow.

Oh, and in resoonse to your original op, it sounds like the way you want to use the money is for your future career so you should just write to your grandparents, explain your plan and tell them how you think the equipement you want to buy will be beneficial to your long term future.

lucyellensmum i think your last post is very patronising, and just because your friends life didnt turn out better that she hoped doenst mean pixies will be the same, we cannot predict what will happen when we have children or how things will pan out once they are here, if we could then we probably wouldnt have them!

Lucifer, I get the feeling you haven't read that post properly, the friend is doing well, not not well, as you suggest

Good luck with your decisions. Genuinely.

I don't know if you will want to listen but FWIW, it appears that in your anger you read too much in to the replies because they were not abusive. Just typical MN honesty. Perhaps 'trip trap' upset you, but you can also see by reading the whole thread why that poster might have started to think that.

All the best.

Message withdrawn

Flier you are completely right! why didnt i read the whole post only read half then got distracted by work and then started ranting really sorry lucyellensmum,

THANK YOU FLIER !!!!!!!!! what a breath of fresh air. and thank you for calling me a woman not a girl, 18yr old, dear or love. LOL.

also about counselling...i've always felt i wanted to talk to someone but i was never offered it. the hospital sent me home with a sheet of paper saying 'COMPLETE MISCARRIAGE' which every time i looked it, it said to me 'COMPLETE FAILURE'. .... and about 4 boxes of painkillers...

although when i was looking into abortion when i found out i was pg at first i was given loads of leaflets and numbers or support groups etc. this seems so wrong to me.

and about the trust funds again...my grandparents have already agreed to it...they're fine with it. and it's only 1200 out of 15600. (sorry I have no pound key because my dad bought a bulgarian keyboard for our apple mac off ebay! lol)

(embarressed face) im sorry im relatively new to mumsnet and if that's typical mumsnet honesty then maybe i shouldnt be a member here...i obviously can't cope with it.

also...i don't know what trip trap means...(again embaressed face) please will someone tell me and don't spare my feelings. I want to know!

i dont know what trip trap means either

Troll - as in the billy goats gruff crossing the trolls bridge - trip trap.....clearly you are not though pixi, so don't worry