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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

155 replies

pixiella · 30/10/2007 11:40

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

OP posts:
themildmanneredaxemurderer · 30/10/2007 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 14:13

Ok you know what......I give up.

You're all alot older and wiser than me. Of course. It's true. You're all mothers and you all sound like you bloody well hate it.

I AM NOT trying to sound like I know it all...I'm trying to show you by relating to experiences that I have had so far that I am not the typical complete airhead, naive 18 year old. (infact im 19 in 2 months but im sure that'll make me sounds even more childish so I've put it in brackets...)

I fucking KNOW that staying up all night for one night in a row at glastonbury is not the same as months and years on end like I'm sure you all have which is you've all suddenly jumped at a chance to make a young woman feel inadequate and childish in an attempt to save someone else from the horror of motherhood (as that's how most of you have put it across!) as you now cannot save yourselves.

I don't even know why I wrote that glastonbury comment so forget I said it. I'm just desperately trying to defend myself from you guys.

The nannying thing - I know it's no comparison to running and family and having your own baby/child 24/7 BUT I was just trying to illustrate that I know about nappies filled with poo and screaming and a baby being so ill that you have to hold it in your arms for it to sleep and how it screams the moment it's back touches something solid like a mattress or even a sheepskin on the floor so your arms can recover from the incredibly painful cramp they've developed over the last 3 hours of holding an overweight 1 year old so they won't wake up whos got a cold and whose teething and has earache.
I've taken her to mother and baby group and had all the mothers look at me weird and not talk to me cos im the nanny. And have them look at me weird and not offer to help me when i've tried to carry her (again, she's actually obese and can't crawl or walk and she's 1 !) and a heavy pushchair down very steep concrete steps to the church basement (stupid place to have a mother and baby group).
I can understand the LOGISTICS of having a child, i've taken her swimming, in the car, to the park, to pick up her older brothers from school, etc and it's a bloody nightmare trying to get her in and out of the car seat..and into the pushchair and onto my hip and I even did my back in (badly) and had to take a week off of work because I was constantly lifting her in and out of a baby walker (she can't crawl or walk).

Ok so IN THEORY i can understand all those things..but you're right how can i ever undertand being a mother....full time..? How can you expect me to though?? I'm sure none of you guys knew exactly what it was going to be like??! but you still did it. and im sure you still love your kids. and if you don't and you'd rather you never had them or you'd rather you'd waited until you miraculously became a millionaire and could hire a night nurse like emma bunton or someone then that's very sad for you.

And about having more life for myself before having a kid....??? What life? I'm so depressed about my miscarriage I havn't been able to work full time...I constantly look at baby clothes and maternity clothes and do research about parenthood and birth and after birth care and haemorroids and incontinence and colick and reflux and cots and cot beds, and growbag eggs and baby socks and shoes and sleepsuits and childcare and child health and positive parenting and THAT'S ALL I DO.

After my miscarriage I can't find a purpose to my life anymore, i can't move on. I don't want to. I made the decision to have a baby and I still want that..even though the baby I was carrying died...I still feel such a need to nurture and care and at the moment I'm not putting myself first...I'm always thinking about the 'future' baby and my partner and how we will build a life together etc etc.

If I hold off having a baby for 5 years...they will be 5 empty years...wishing...living a life that is no longer exciting or happy for me. I will just be waiting to have a baby. Waiting until I am at the acceptable age or I have the acceptable amount of money in my bank account.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 30/10/2007 14:14

blimey, i didnt realise you were only 18 - that is a year older than my DD1, and a year younger than i was when i had her.

My dear, you are very young still - i know that the m/c must have knocked you for six and you have to remember that alot of your reactions are due to the hormonal changes as a result of this. I think you should give yourself some time, not just because you are young, but because you have recently m/c and it is clouding your judgement. You want to give your children the best start in life and i believe that getting an education is the best thing you can do to achieve this. Not simply because of the money but it will change the way you parent.

I was too young to have my DD, im not saying you are, you are not me - i wouldnt change a thing, as i love my DD to the ends of the earth, it would have been better however if i were older and more self assured to make the right decisions for her. I can make this comparison because i had DD2 at 36, and although i find it much more tiring now, emotionally and practically, i'm a much better parent than i was to DD1, even though i dont love her any less, i wonder if she sometimes feels that way.

Yorkshirepudding · 30/10/2007 14:15

Message withdrawn

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 14:16

I think you're right mildmanneredaxemurderer

there are a whole load of people like the ones on here who have kids in their late teens and stay together happily and have a wonderful life

but there are others who find the stresses of parenthood too much, and split up

how many mothers are there on the single parents boards who don't have enough cash or opportunities?

and though the relationship with her boyfriend is strong now, we change so much between 18 and 25 that there is no way of predicting whether or not they will grow apart, with or without kids

and with no qualifications or established business?

it's a big risk, is what it is. Which she doesn't seem to appreciate

PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 14:17

are you having a MN strop, pixie?

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 14:18

"I'm so depressed about my miscarriage I havn't been able to work full time"

you need help then love, not a baby. I feel so sorry for you but a baby is not necessarily going to help.

Depression needs to be sorted out before you can make a decision this big. Go to your GP and ask if he can arrange some counselling, help you see a way through this

a baby might solve it but it might not, it might bring additional depressions with it. You need to get some help now whether you are pregnant or not

Please

MegBusset · 30/10/2007 14:19

Pixiella I'm sorry that you feel to about the reaction that you've had here. Of course you don't need to have a certain amount of money in the bank to be a mum (if so, there'd be a lot fewer babies in the world).

But to be really honest you sound like you are still in heavy emotional fallout from your mc, I'm no expert but you are evidently in the thick of grief still and believe that only being pregnant again can heal this grief.

Have you had/are you having counselling?

LucifersLuckyUnderpants · 30/10/2007 14:19

also it says in your profile you are a nanny so i am sure you have some idea what is involved in looking after a child, motherhood is wonderful and demanding and heartwrenching at times, but being a mother is the most rewarding job ever imo, dont be put off if its what you want, im sure you will make a wanderful mum regardless of your age, and it certainly didnt age me, if anything it has kept me young

PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 14:21

I retract my last post. It was meant in a funny way but then I went back and continued reading your entry, saw your last three paragraphs and realised that you are very low at the moment and need support and help.

You appear to need some sort of help to come to terms with this life event. Do you have friends or relatives who can help you out? How about your mother?

paulaplumpbottom · 30/10/2007 14:21

I don't think its right to go off on one. All these mumsnetters have your best intrest at heart when giving you advice. There isn't any need to use language like that

lucyellensmum · 30/10/2007 14:22

oh love, your last post makes me want to cry and come and give you a big hug. Take a step back and read it. You feel like this because you lost your baby, it is totally understandable and for those reasons and those reasons alone i think you should hold off on having another baby for the moment. You need time to greive for your lost little one.

You are right about the nannying thing, it does set you in good stead - in fact my neice has just had a baby, well about a year ago and she was only 19, she worked in childcare - she is a fantastic mum. She finds it hard, we all do, but she copes amazingly well. She has youthful energy on her side.

I just think for you personally, please dont rush into anything. Go to your GP, you could do with talking to someone about your feelings, this is not the place, especially on the AIBU threads, as you expect to get flamed for chosing the wrong colour cardigan on this part of the forum. Ask your GP for some counselling - i can tell by the amount you are writing that you have a lot of greif to get out there, and you need someone impartial to listen to you.

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 14:22

I think we should lay off giving pixie the third degree about her choices

"After my miscarriage I can't find a purpose to my life anymore, i can't move on. "

this is so sad, this is a girl who needs help to put her grief behind her

get counselling please

OMGhelp · 30/10/2007 14:27

If your boyfriend really is the love of your life then he will still be around in a year or two's time and you will be in a much stronger position.

Thanks MegBusset, I was trying to put just that sentiment into words.

Please Pixiella, have a great time NOW with the fella you love. Pick coconuts off a tropical tree, visit the Aztec temples, Go scuba diving on the Great barrier Reef, cuddle a baby gorilla in a rescue centre, Photograph the pyramids of Egypt, hang glide over the Gorges due Tarn or canoe down it. DO all these things NOW, don't have that longed for child yet, he/she will come when the time is right and you can give them the benefit of your wider experiences.
I had my children too young, 21, 23 and 33 and still havn't been able to afford to get my scuba diving qualifications and I'm 43 now, its a long time to wait for a teenage ambition to come true.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 14:28

Ok and now i suppose i'm going to have to give an answer to all the people demanding to know how im going to support myself (you're worse than my parents).......

My partner is working full time earning about 300 a week. He is taking some time off to learn about carpentry with a local carpenter to aquire some skills.

He is willing to do anything it takes to support me and a child. very devoted.

We're going to be living in an apartment which we're doing up ourselves at the moment (half done)

(he's doing the plastering,tiling,kitchen,sanding floorboards, replacing broken windows, moving radiators,making built in wardrobes, making daybed/sofa, putting in bathroom etc. and I'm doing the decorating, interior design, re-upholstery, designing the daybed/sofa and built in wardrobes, project managing and budgeting.)

The apartment is owned by his father and he's charging us 200 a month rent. Although we have 3/4 months rent free because of all the work we will have done on the flat.

I work part time to pay for petrol and food ...I have had my driving licence for a year and own my own car. He is learning to drive and his dad is giving him a car.

His family has a large swiss family bank which has millions of pounds in it from a few generations down the line having sold a mine in either germany of africa i can't remember cos i know his mum was born in Africa but his grandma is german.
The family bank gives 0% interest loans to family members if you produce them with a business plan stating how you wish to use the money to start a business.

We plan to apply for a loan from his family bank and start a property development business starting in Spain as he lived in Spain for 9 years and speaks fluent spanish and his mother lives in spain (free childcare...she already offeredwith the first pregnancy) like you said babies are very portable and we intend to build up a property portfolio...him doing most of the work and employing local workers too (labour in spain is very cheap) while i take care of the marketing, interior design, decorating and of course looking after our child.

I plan to continue with my film photography only as an art form and not to make money (i only said the industry was souless not the act of taking photographs and making films which I love.)

anyway so I hope you all approve. christ i feel like im on trial here.

"quick lets all stop another deliquent vicky pollard of a teenage mother from using up our taxpayers money by living in a council house and being on benefits - we still have a chance to stop her offspring prematurely populating our society - she's not pregnant yet, we can still dampen her spirits!!"

i hope you all feel better now. im off to have a cup of tea and a cry.

OP posts:
PrincessAfterLife · 30/10/2007 14:29
Hmm
ScaryScaryNight · 30/10/2007 14:30

Pixie, I echo the others. You need to talk this through with somebody. First you have the shock of an unwanted pregnancy, then you decided to take responsibility for it and you gear yourself up to be a teenage mum, and start looking forward to it. Then you lost the baby. You have to come to terms with this. I am a really sorry for what you are going through now. But it is true that another baby may not take away the pain from miscarrying the first.

Put yourself first for a bit, nurture yourself.

Nobody is slating you, I think everybody here have your best interests at heart.

I love my boys, I love being a mum. But I was 30 when I had my first. Sometimes I regret leaving it so late (university, 2 degrees, and a career). For sure it is too late for number 3, and I sometimes feel "old", and wish I had more youthful energy.

pixiella · 30/10/2007 14:40

scary scary night i do have a fucking education...i got 3A*'s, 4 A's and a B in my GCSE's while i was homeless and living in a yurt (mongolian tent) on a friend's land because my parents had sold their 500,000 house and not thought to buy another one to move into..instead they just bought some land to build a house on....

i managed to get a triple distinction in my final project of my N.D - a 19min film - all while going through a miscarriage! i mean i was in new york on a college trip while pregnant...traipsing up and down fecking central park instead of going on the subway cos my lecturers thought it'd be 'a nice walk' - walking down half of manhatten while in the 1st trimester...i almost died.

i finished my N.D with a DDM which is the second highest grade. even when I didn't finish all my workshops cos i was in hospital having a miscarriage...i was actually at college while still bleeding from my miscarriage and everyone kept asking me why i'd been off and how come the teachers were being so nice to me when i'd missed 2 weeks of college for no reason..etc etc.

you may think that's worthless but i worked fucking hard for that so don't tell me i've got no education - there are plenty of people without degrees who are very well off.

OP posts:
SqueeelyMeeely2 · 30/10/2007 14:41

At 18 I had been with a guy (i can't even call him DP, cos when i look back he was just a boyfriend!), for a year whom I adored, we were soul mates, i knew what he was thinking, he knew what i was thinking, we were joined at the hip....it lasted 5 years.

At 18, I am sure I didn't know what i wanted, but I thought i did, i thought that was it, marriage, kids, the works. We split up, grew apart, I moved, met DH, married, had twins! I'm now 31 and i adore my family but I'm glad I lived my life the way I did. I'm grateful for my memories, I'm grateful I had my 20's with no kids, because now, I have my boys, my friends of a similar age have their kids, we all still meet up and have fun, get drunk, share memories because we have matured at the same rate. we plan things that involve children, rather than if I had had kids at 18, I feel I would have missed out on sharing fun times with my mates (no not just snogging random blokes in bars - although that does sound appealing sometimes!)....they would be having their kids now and mine would be 12 /13! I'd be wanting to go out for meals and no one would come cos of babysitters etc.

Friends mean a lot to me (my family is miles away so they are my substitute), and when boys were first born it was important to have friends to talk to, friends who knew what having small children was like else you can feel VERY isolated. To be honest i still found the first year or so hard, 1) because i had twins and 2) because my mates were all had their kids slightly later, so were still partying when i was spending 8 weeks in hosp with my two premmie boys.

No one is saying having kids is shit, no one would change their kids for the world, but some of us would change the order they did things in, if given the choice. They see you as having that choice so are using their experience to advise you because you can't get those years back once you have made your mind up.

Even though I had mine at 28, I still didn;t feel ready when they came home - i loved being pregs, was relishing the idea of being a mum, then reality hit like a tonne of bricks, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. i went into meltdown and yes I had PND, still on meds now, but I can't change things, I've had them now so you deal with it as best you can - I think what people are doing on here is just hitting you with a hard dose of reality. When I was pregs i had all the 'oh my god the sleepless nights' and i'd laugh and think oh it can't be that bad....it bloody is, but i also know from experience you won't believe us until you try it for yourself.

Just beware having kids changes the whole dynamics of a relationship, especially if its a new relationship (me and dh had been together 2 years when we got married, and boys arrived a year later). You can't be self indulgent with each other anymore and you DP will suddenly be second in the pecking order and he might not be ready for that - your feelings for your baby will be so strong and fundemental you will question your feelings for your DP (sorry, thats just coming from my experience), that on top of feeling overwhelmingly tired, all sorts of things run through your mind. My twins are now three and we are a very strong unit, but we had a very shaky start!

Good luck in all you decide - but please do take on board everything we have said, its not all bollox, it's real life stuff thats happened to real life people.

juuule · 30/10/2007 14:41

Pixiella - if you are so set and driven to have a baby then no words from anyone are going to stop you. However, as others have said, you can't live on love and fresh air.
For me the adult way of dealing with this would be to explain the situation to your grandad. It may be that he has no power to release any money if it isn't for something 'educational'. It may be that he doesn't agree with your logic so refuses to release the money. You have got to decide whether you are willing to shape your life without any financial backing. Lots of people do. Once you know whether the money will be forthcoming or not you can make your choices. You may decide to try to set up a business anyway and get a job meantime to fund it. Look at options available to you to fund your dreams yourselves. Don't rely on the trust fund otherwise it could make you bitter and resentful of your grandad and it's very sad when money ruins family relationships. Especially if it was set up with all good intentions in the first place. At least you will know that should a day come when you do want to gain other qualifications you won't have the added worry of how you will afford it.
But most of all don't stamp your feet because your family won't give you what you want right now. And that's not a dig at age, people strop off at all ages when they meet with disagreement. But it's really not helpful or constructive in the long run unless it fires a determination to succeed regardless.

ScaryScaryNight · 30/10/2007 14:42

I now find that I am going to say something I never thought I would say:

TRIP TRAP.

So many have wasted so much time on this.

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 14:42

you're just getting defensive and angry now and there is no reason

no-one here is treating you like a child, so please don't act like one

you sound like you need help and I wish you would get it

you are well on the way to being bitter if your posts are anything to go on

please please behave with some honesty - you are obviously depressed and you need some professional help

MegBusset · 30/10/2007 14:42

Pixi, I think this thread is doing you no good at all and you should consider stepping away, in the gentlest possible way you are reading things into people's posts that genuinely is not there.

Please consider having a chat with someone in RL about the grief of your miscarriage, it is just too easy to misconstrue people's intentions on a messageboard.

LucifersLuckyUnderpants · 30/10/2007 14:43

not sure if you read my other posts pixie i think there has been so many posted that mine have probably past you by, but i wasnt trying to tell you, you are too young or to wait a few years, if its what you want then go for it! dont be put of by people telling you, you havent lived your life yet etc... we are all different and not all people want the same things out of life, so if thats what you want, then good luck to you!

CappuScreamO · 30/10/2007 14:45

"i take care of the marketing, interior design, decorating and of course looking after our child. "

I thought you said in your OP that you wanted to be a freelance photographer

if you are geniune then your ideas are all over the place