to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

[pixiella]

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

Sorry you feel that way...but im not aggressive - As I have just said, i think anybody in my situation or anybody who was possibly pregnant would feel hurt by some of the comments I've recieved.

I don't know how to ignore threads. But I don't intend to let this one carry on any longer because I think it's all just a big misunderstanding.

Thanks for your support. Sorry I made you feel this way...but you can't deny that I have been slightly provoked??

Well QC, I can report that it is gone from active convos, but not from "threads I am on". I will be onto Tech now!

pixella. stop right now. I just read that you are a teenager. Is that right? you are a teenager and you are wanting to put of university now and have a baby now, and then go to university later???
WHY?
You could go to uni now, or have a couple of gap years messing around the world, learningt about yourself and other people and places, get yourself sorted, and THEN have a baby. IT is SO hard to have a baby when you are a teenager. It is not a walk in the park. IT might sound like one or maybe even look like one. But it is hard. And you might feel now that you want to cuddle your baby instead of go to a disco, and that might last for a while, but eventually you will want to do what your peers are doing, and you won't be able to without a mommoth struggle to find money and child care that you trust. Even the strongest relationships suffer under the strain of a baby, no sleep, and no money. And when you add into that that all your friends your age are off to uni and partying on down without you...well, it can be so so lonely.

I;ve done it all , thats how I know. I had my first dc when I was 18, everyone else went travelling for a year, I worked as a temp trying to save up money to move out of my parents home. Then when dc was 18months I went to uni. I rushed out of lectures to pick him up from nursery on time, whilst everyone else went to the pub. Its not all bad, in fact looking back, I wouldn't change a thing as having a student mum has made my dcs what they are. And they are just perfect and I love them so so dearly. But seriously, I have to say to you, you are me 10 years ago, except you have a choice, if you are pregnant this month, well thats a different thing, but if you are not - don't do this. Please. Enjoy your youth, don't rush it away because of what happened to you. You can still have a baby - you have years to do this, so why not do it when you are settled financially and in a stable relationship, not when you are just back from glasto and think this is romantic and a great idea. Its not.

I am so sorry to be harsh and had anyone said this to me 10 years ago, I probably would have punched them for being so condescending, but I have to share with you because I know.

good luck

xxx

scaryscarynight - i know you won't read this, but even though i don't know you or respect you it's still hurtful to me and if anyone who really knew me was reading this they'd think YOU were crazy for calling me aggressive and a lunatic etc.....i still feel further hurt by the fact that you're happy to continue to pass judgement on me without reading my recent posts...

olala, thanks for sharing your experience - of course i understand that you know what it's like but the case is not that i've just come back from glsto and think this is a romantic idea. i have experienced being pregnant and then losing the baby and this is what has contributed to my feelings on wanting to become a mother.

of course i'll consider what you've said. but the fact is that i may well be pregnant now.

have you read all my posts? No offence because I know YOU mean well...but i've had a nightmare today with people today preaching to me on this subject in a very negative, condescending way.

That would have been fine if I'd actually asked for any of their opinions on motherhood....but again im sorry...but I didn't.

I think it's very insensitive to tell someone who's been pregnant and lost a baby very recently and who has been trying to conceive after a miscarriage and now might be pregnant that she shouldn't become a mother - based on anything whether it's age or circumstance or class or anything. That's my feelings on it and I wish some people would respect and understand that ! It's not that difficult a concept !! xxx

i don't think you should't EVER become a mother!!! that is ridiculous - you will clearly be a loving and lovely mother whenever you have a baby. But I'm just saying, why make it hard for yourself when it could be so much easier. Thats all. I'm not saying don't, I'm just saying not now until you're ready. Why not get a degree under your belt and a couple of years work experience, save up a deposit for a house and get your 'foot on the ladder' and then do it. You and DP sound like you're serious - why not build up that nest together and THEN go for it.

And believe me, I know how annoying I am being....I just can't quite stop myself!

Hi Pixiella,
First of all, I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time.
I was/am a young mum. I was pregnant at 19 yrs old and had my first dd 2 months after my 20th birthday. My pregnancy was not planned but once I got used to the idea (rather like you the first time round) I was really happy and excited about having a baby. I had never yearned to be a young mum or felt at all maternal. I was in a stable relationship but was constantly looked down upon by other older mothers who all seemed to think tht I was too young and making a big mistake. The only mistake I made was to marry the wrong man but that is another story. I love being a mum and have loved it from the start. I had another dd 3 years later (after a miscarriage) and my two girls mean the world to me. Having children means that your life will change - obviously, but this doesn't have to be a huge negative. I still go out with my friends every few weeks and feel just the same as I always have. Of course some days are hard and others are easy. Isn't life like that for everyone?
I am well educated, work part-time and am also studying part-time for an OU degree. I'm doing this because I want to, not because I have to. This is the life that I am happy with and wouldn't change for all of the money in the world. I have so much fun with my daughters and having children has truly enriched my life. I don't understand this mentality that if you don't have your fun - by fun I mean travelling, drinking, socialising etc., when you are young then you have missed out. I have travelled all over with my two dds (now aged 7 and 4yrs old) and drag them along to anything I can. I haven't done a festival yet but that's on the cards next year - as long as I can get over my portaloo phobia! I don't think there is a right or wrong time for people to have children although I do think a stable relationship and stable finances are preferable.
So what if you are only 18 years old? I have met plenty of mums in their twenties, thirties, fourties & fifties who struggle to cope with parenthood. I don't mean this as a criticism but just to show that it can be difficult whatever your age or situation in life.
Good luck Pixiella. I really hope it all works out for you and that you are happy.

PS I don't think you should worry about your grandparents. If you are pregnant now then you still have 8 months to keep on with your photography stuff and you will need the equipment in any case. The money is still yours even though it is held in trust.

Popple - THANK YOU! if only everyone was as sensitive, eloquent and understanding as you!

You're given me a boost of confidence that I sorely needed...I was ready to finally break down after an awful day and cry my eyes out before I read your post..lol.

It great to hear a story where someone doesn't sound like they regret motherhood and especially young motherhood!

Good luck with your festival, sure you'll have a great time. I wouldn't recommend glastonbury - it's a nightmare cos there SO many people and usually so much mud but I really would recommend a small intimate festival like Secret Garden - I love it this year and last year - it's amazing! So many things for kids and adults to do - there was a rock paper scissor tournament and a sock wrestling tournament, a little tipi where kids could make their own creepy doll with scraps of materials and buttons, little tea tents, and a place called the living room with sofas, tea and crumpets. Anyway search Secret Garden Party on google and let me know what u think! Really clean toilets compared to glastonbury cos only about 4000 people go. You seem the same people all throughout the festival walking about and say hi to them it's SO lovely.

Thanks again popple.

Olala thanks for your advice - i don't want to spend 3 years at uni at the moment, im not even decided where or what i want to study yet. Also I'd rather not get on the property ladder with a mortgage now especially with the state the housing market is at the moment (esp. for first time buyers)

Me and my dp plan to get a 0% interest loan from his family bank (another sort of trust fund which is worth millions) and start a property developing business while the baby is young and portable.

"even though i don't know you or respect you"

and you ask for respect yourself when you are not able to give it? how does that work exactly?

Pixiella, God I wish I was 18 again doing the kind of things that you do. Some of the plans you have are really exciting and are the type of things that keep me awake at night wishing I could be doing them!

I had a miscarriage at 19, my best friend got pregnant at the same time.

I went to university that year just to keep my parents quiet, all i really wanted to do was carry on raving. University was amazing though, I hated it first as I lived with boring people without the life experiences that I had but then I met people more like me and learned to get on with those not like me. It was just so bloody brilliant and added to me so much as a person. I can't believe that you would ever regret going to uni before having a baby, however, you will probably regret having a baby before going to uni.

What happened to my best friend then? The following year she went to Leeds uni and got a first. She then did a law conversion and is a now a solicitor. She did all of this alone with no help from anyone which shows that anything is possible. She had to wait until she was about 27 before she could start a social life or have outside interests but is now 29 and her 10 year old daughter is her best friend. She would still tell you to wait though

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think your reponses to Cappo. and Scary. show your immaturity. They gave honest and helpful answers and you choose to throw them back in their faces. Don't ask for peoples opinons if you just want them to agree with you. That's not going to happen. I don't understand your preoccupion (sp) with money, either. 'My trust fund is worth x amount, it's earns x amount of interest; my parents £500,00 house; boyfriends family made millions etc', I don't think you know what you want. That wasn't meant in a spiteful or mean spirited way ( as were noone elses in IMO). It's just my opinion, which this board is all about. Good luck for your future plans.

boolepew - I was never, never asking for advice on whether i should becoming a mother or anything to do with money - i was merely outlining my situation. my OP asked for advice on how I should tell my grandparents about my new life plan after my miscarriage.

I definately should not have posted on the AIBU board....but just because my OP mentioned my miscarriage and my choice to ttc that doesn't mean it given people the right to start telling me I shouldn't become a mother and telling me that i'm a 'blooming lunatic' and patronising my decisions and basically making fun of me and my life.

I'm not denying that MOST of the people on here have given me great, positive advice.

BUT there are a few people who have said some really nasty things for no good reason.

If truely, everyone on here (as they say they do) remember what it was like to be 18...and know what it's like to yearn to be a mother and to have had a miscarriage and then ttc again then WHY can't they understand that I have been hurt by all this supposedly helpful advice that I shouldn't be a mother !?

Again...I think it's pretty understandable.

And I have said thank you to the people who have truely given me sensitive and positive advice in a caring way (taking into account my situation).

your very first post talked about wanting to be a mother

it ended "I'm so confused at the moment about everything"

excuse us for thinking you were asking for support but it certainly seemed that way

if you can't see how confused you sounded then you really do need help

and you haven't thanked everyone who gave you advice

you thanked everyone who agreed with you and then announced that everyone else is 'bullying' you

I really cannot believe that you think that people were out to be mean

I don't think people were out to be mean...of course not, I think that's the way it came across to ME though considering MY situation, I'm sure someone different in a diff. situation would have taken it all on the chin and said 'go ahead, critise my life, offer me unwanted advice, i can take it!'

but i can't take it, i admit that. and more importantly I never asked for it.

I have thanked the people who's posts made me feel worth something and who treated me like an adult and a real human being. Like the person who called me a woman rather than all the other posts calling me :'love, honey, dear, girl, lunatic, little madam' etc.

How could ANYBODY in my situation not be hurt by this?

Please don't tell me that you're so callous and so unable to put yourself in my shoes that you think I shouldn't have been hurt by some of the unwanted NEGATIVE advice about motherhood.

I don't want to have another battle today. I had an awful day yesterday due to this whole thread and I wish I'd never started it.
I'll think VERY carefully before (god forbid) sounding confused or in need of help on mumsnet again.

That wasn't very sensitive either was it, mildmannered? You've put her upset and distress a parallel with a 'Kevin-esque' sketch .

pffft axemurderer if that's what you're imagining of me then you're even more deluded and prejudiced about young people than I thought you were.

im nothing like that but no-one can take the sort of abuse and ridicule i've had to endure and keep a cool head.

i'm glad you've realised that people can't learn from other people's experiences unless they've been through the same thing themselves. but it really is a shame and very hurtful that you assume me becoming a mother at this point would be a mistake because I probably am pregnant.

im done with this.

oh juule I think we're past being sensitive

even calling her 'love' gets her back up

If you are pregnant then congratulations!

ok then to end this and answer your original question

no you shouldn't take the money from your trust fund

because you have said you are going into property development not photography and this substantial educational trust fund was not set up for providing money for your hobbies - and you yourself used the word 'hobby'

so yes, you are being unreasonable, leave the money where it is

o pixie I don't know what to say. I so dont want you to be upset. I really really don't. My story of teen motherhood is postive, lovely, I am now 'successful' and genuinely happy. I'm not saying you can't do it, but I am saying it is really really really hard and if you have a choice in the matter, why choose the hardest option?

Anyway, you sound resolute, so I shall have to do what I did with my sister when she did EXACTLY what you are doing... and say that if you ever need any support I'm here. if you want to chat about the way older mums stare atr you and wonder if you are the au pair, and the way the dads don't quite no what to do with you, and even the children (once in a playground a little girl said to me 'are you a lady or a girl?' I was 19 and my ds was 1!) I said I'm a girl! But anyway, if you do go through with it, enjoy it, have a brilliant time, and if you ever want to chat, give me a shout.
all the very best in the world.

again - i was never asking about the money.

as I've said countless times it was not about the money, it's already been agreed, my grandad is happy for me to use the equipment at the moment and in the future regardless of whether i go to uni now or in 5 years time.

i've also said a lot of times: my question was whether i should tell my grandparents about my new life plan following my miscarriage and I quote from my OP: "would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???"

I've already had answers to that, so don't bother.

and once again...although you seem to be determined to have the last word...

I AM DONE WITH THIS.

Thank you Olala!

Thank you dropdeadfred!

Thank you juule !

goodbye.

have spent a long time reading all the posts

i think you have some excellent advice

unfortunately, motherhood is one of the few things in life you cannot possibly understand until you have actually had a baby... yes, i know that sounds patronising, and dismissive of your nannying experience, but it is the truth, you have had sterling advice from a lot of intelligent and caring women, many of whom combine working with having children.

it is bloody hard work

babies are portable, but i do a bit of work for my dad who is in property, and taking a small baby around some of the houses i have been too was downright dangerous and horrible.

i think you are being unrealistic.

there is nothing wrong with dreams and aspirations, but you have to be realistic about what is achiveable

also property markets here and in parts of spain for buy to let etc are getting saturated

what is your DPs opinion on all of this? and if he has a massive trust fund , can you not tack your £1500 on to the loan you get from his bank?

i wish you all the best, and i hope you find the balance that is right for you