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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 17/01/2021 19:30

So you paid your parents back for money your husband stole from you. I would tell him that 5k cost you 10k as he took it and you had to pay it back. Either he and his family start to pay you back or your taking out a loan to cover your care and they are paying it. If his mum was such an emergency the NHS would have treated it as so it must have been elective to an extent. If you go in needing a cardiac surgery or you will die on the spot they don't say sorry your going on the waiting list so she could have waited. This is no different. Yes you could wait but it was your money and you are entitled to it.

saraclara · 17/01/2021 20:16

Would he understand if you put it to him that YOU paid for his mums treatment? He didn't, you did, in paying back the £5,000 that he used for her operation.

SecondRow · 17/01/2021 20:41

It can't really be that he doesn't understand, can it? Sad I know posters are now trying to think of ways to make him see, especially because the OP doesn't want to leave. But it's not something hard to grasp.

Raindropsonrosesand · 17/01/2021 20:44

I agree, secondrow. Of course he understands. But if he admits that, then he has to pay OP back. So he'll pretend to be all reasonable, and try to convince OP that she's got it all wrong. Sad

OddsNSodsBitsNBobs · 17/01/2021 20:53

@justilou, no crime committed, the money was in a joint account so technically not theft..although yes it was morally.

saraclara · 17/01/2021 21:18

Heh. I think @Calmandmeasured1 could do with a different handle.

TheABC · 18/01/2021 11:30

Is online or telephone counselling a possibility?

I do understand why you stayed: with a highly disabled child plus PND, it was a case of the less poisoned chalice.

I appreciate DS will never be fully independent, but what are your hopes for his adult life? What does DS want?

I ask, as at 15 you have a few more years under the children's services before he ages. It's worth looking ahead now, as it's easy to get isolated once the education structures are finished.

TheNinny · 18/01/2021 12:03

I honestly would leave my DH if he had done that

Gazelda · 18/01/2021 12:34

I'm sorry you feel judged by some of these responses.
I think it's now clear why you weren't able to leave at the time. You were simply trying to get through each day.
And now, even though you realise how badly you've been treated, you're making choices that are best for you and DS on balance.
I'd probably do the same as you if I were in your position.
I hope you are able to get some funds together so you can have the OP. You deserve to have the best quality of life possible.

user1471538283 · 18/01/2021 13:12

I had one like that. Offered my savings to his mother without my knowledge. Now it would appear to be different as you want the money back. I would insist. If it does not happen I would question the relationship.

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/01/2021 08:01

Notwithstanding what has has happened in the past - that's done now - what is your husband doing NOW to rectify your current situation? My DH would not stand by and let me suffer pain without wanting to do something about it. If we didn't have the funds in our bank accounts he would arrange a loan, mortgage extension, borrow from a relative... however he managed it, it would be done.

I recently read out a post from a poster who had had eye surgery to fix her lousy eyesight, costing £7K in total - he said that glasses and contact lenses were such a faff for me, if I wanted that surgery I could have it. And that isn't even a relief from pain, which is far worse by an order of magnitude!

Your husband should be moving mountains to fix this for you, especially since he used your money for surgery for his mother. It's awful that he is now holding back from trying to see you right. It's terrible.

yvanka · 19/01/2021 18:56

Could your parents afford to re-lend you the money for the surgery and then tell your DH that he has to pay it back?

Lay it out for him in simple terms - you stole £5k from my parents, I paid them £5k, now you owe me £5k.

june2007 · 19/01/2021 19:01

But she gave the 5k back to her parents they were not out of pocket. And soeone can,t give 5k and insist someone else pays it back.

Coffeeallday · 19/01/2021 19:11

Your MIL isn’t the problem, your husband is and you know it. He hasn’t respected your parents, he hasn’t respected you and his actions have also caused hardship for his own child.

He sounds incredibly selfish, as do his siblings and parents. The minute they got some money they should have repaid you, ‘loan’ or not. It’s £5,000 - not a fiver. Sounds like your husband cares deeply about them. He doesn’t value you.

LakieLady · 19/01/2021 19:11

@whoshouldpay

I would go to her and explain that the money wasn’t your DHs, it was yours from your parents and had no right to give it to her at the time and you now need it back.

I had that convo years ago. She said DH transferred it to her (true). and that's sorted it for her.

But thanks for the responses. will try to have a serious chat with her this weekend! I don't have anything to lose I suppose!

But it wasn't your DH's to give - it was your parents' money OP, and if you had to pay it back, it was only a loan anyway.

I'd demand he takes out a loan for £5k and repays the money he stole, so you can have your surgery.

My DP was more than happy to give me his savings towards private knee surgery to save me waiting however long it takes, but I felt new windows and doors were more urgent (they really were - the frames were so rotten I was scared to clean them glass for fear the glass would fall out!)

Hont1986 · 19/01/2021 19:39

Your husband was in the wrong, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing.

Letting my mum develop a permanent disability because she can't afford the emergency surgery vs have my husband have to take the bus for another two years?

I know which I'd pick, and I know I'd be in the wrong for it, but I would be able to sleep at night.

Takingontheflab · 19/01/2021 19:46

@Hont1986

Your husband was in the wrong, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing.

Letting my mum develop a permanent disability because she can't afford the emergency surgery vs have my husband have to take the bus for another two years?

I know which I'd pick, and I know I'd be in the wrong for it, but I would be able to sleep at night.

But it wasn't savings she'd earnt. It wasn't even family money.

She was gifted it for a specific item.

DH and his siblings should have taken a loan/credit card.

IT. WASN'T. HIS. TO. TAKE.

Fucking hell this threads giving me rage.

Wakeupalready · 19/01/2021 20:08

Show your 'D' H this thread, if he is having issues comprehending exactly how much a fuckwit he is being.

I normally wouldn't suggest this but as another person who lives in chronic pain, and has had to have multiple series of spinal injections, and regular OT, physio and very expensive medication to even function, and am looking at double hip replacements in the next few years, FUCK THIS GUY and his attitude, and his family.
I understand you need him to help care for your child but he needs to get how insidious chronic pain is, how it affects you mentally and that the longer you leave medically treatment in your situation the worse things are going to get.
I am so sorry.

Wakeupalready · 19/01/2021 20:11
  • medical. So angry on your behalf I can't even type.
yvanka · 19/01/2021 20:17

june2007 I know they weren't out of pocket... I said get them to lend the money again and get DH to pay it back. You can insist that your partner pays back a debt that they already owe.

changedmynamelol · 19/01/2021 20:32

I would have left him years ago op.
I think it's your dp who owes you the money, not your mil. Especially if it was never mentioned to her as being a loan and she always thought of it as a gift.

carly2803 · 19/01/2021 20:43

im really angry for you OP

how old is your son now?

tbh i would ask MILdirect for the money. into your account only

get the surgery and the divorce your twat of a DH - i would not forgive this

CorianderBee · 19/01/2021 20:46

Fees to me more like your husband stole from your parents essentially. Doubt they'd have agreed to gift MIL £5000.

If I was then I'd have demanded it back off of him tbh.

mullyluo · 19/01/2021 21:14

In the fifteen years since he stole your money I bet there were lot of things your husband has bought himself where he could have saved the money instead to give back to you. I completely understand why you stayed with him and why you still do but there is no way I could forgive what he did.

Bumblebee1980a · 19/01/2021 22:06

Your husband stole money your parents gave you to buy a car (to help you and your son who were struggling) and he transferred it to his mum to pay for an op?

Have I understood that correctly?

I feel so angry.

Horrid bastard!!!!!!!!!!!

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