to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

Your husband owes you £5k

@whoshouldpay

your earring potential is twice that of your DH why cant you increasing you hours and he take more caring responsibilities? Why do you seem to be always making the sacrifices?

I am far better with DS and I adore him. He is the light of my life despite all his difficulties. I would never trade a higher paid full time job for what I am doing now. that is non-negotiable for me.

Completely understand 💙

Jesus Christ, your 'D'H is a piece of work.

Realistically, I don't think you're going to get this money from your MIL, nor do I think it's the right thing to pressure her into giving you the money (however tempting).

Your problem here is your DH who was perfectly prepared to steal from you (morally albeit probably not legally!) and see you and his child suffer as a result. He now also doesn't care about your pain or consider that a priority in the same way he considered his mother's pain a priority. Basically, you and his child are not a high priority, it seems. That's the reality you're living with and if you believe you're pragmatically better off in this situation then those are the parameters I think you need to operate within. Is there any chance you (or ideally you DH) can take out a loan to cover your own private treatment, perhaps?

If you won't speak to your MIL this isn't going to go away. He stole your money. I'd be looking at a sit down with him asking how he's going to pay you back . Or , if he'll have none of it, quietly siphoning money out of your joint account every week without telling him until you've got it back. He defrauded you , so what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander . Put it on a high interest account. For when you leave.

Your DH, SIL and BIL agreed that MIL needed the OP, they should now agree likewise for yours and pay for it?

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment

Your DH stole from you, not MIL. you can ask MIL to kindly pay for your private care but she did not steal your money. You have a DH problem.

What your DH did was awful. And selfish. I do understand why you’re reluctant to leave. I’m in a similar life situation but with two with special needs. Youngest is severely autistic and needs two adults. Could your dh speak to his mother and ask for help paying for the surgery as they paid for her?

@Hont1986

Your husband was in the wrong, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing.

Letting my mum develop a permanent disability because she can't afford the emergency surgery vs have my husband have to take the bus for another two years?

I know which I'd pick, and I know I'd be in the wrong for it, but I would be able to sleep at night.

This is massively minimising the scenario. The toddler turned out to be diagnosed with quite severe additional needs. Op had PND so stealing the money will have had a massive impact on her mental health. It sounds as though these were pretty obvious at the time. Perhaps the whole family could have got small loans and clubbed together instead of stealing the money.

@Hont1986

Your husband was in the wrong, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing.

Letting my mum develop a permanent disability because she can't afford the emergency surgery vs have my husband have to take the bus for another two years?

I know which I'd pick, and I know I'd be in the wrong for it, but I would be able to sleep at night.

But they've had how many years to make it right?

They could've paid back a little at a time until paid off but they didn't. Or the siblings could r contributed a share too but the only person that paid was the OP not her husband or in-laws.

Jeez, the husband or his siblings could probably have taken out a loan to pay for their mother's op - but no! They just saw OP's money - gift from her parents to her for a car for her - and went, "we'll have that, ta" and never repaid it!

They're ALL at fault for allowing the OP to pay for their mother's op - but her husband is MOST at fault for taking the money in the first place and now refusing to fund an op for his OWN WIFE to make her life easier.

It's incensing and disgusting.

You are quite right Thumb. This is the crux.

@whoshouldpay
Did your bil and sil contribute to your mil operation costs ?

I would be devastated too that they are all not trying to help you in your hour of need when you helped mil.

You sound like such a lovely Mum.
I hope you get the financial help you deserve.

He doesn't understand because the inconvenience didn't impact him.

Perhaps you could try this... does he have a car he uses for work (in non-Covid times)? Tell him you've had it valued, and someone's coming to collect it on Tuesday. The money will be used to fund your surgery. You're sure he can manage on buses for the 4-5 years it'll take him to save up to buy a replacement.

I'd be interested to know if he thinks that's a reasonable thing for you to do, or if he'd be rather upset by the idea.

whoshouldpay
What was the outcome?