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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 14:24

How much would this op you need cost of done privately? Is it bang on £5k?

depends really. it's not a hip replacement kind of surgery with a relatively fixed price tag but a different condition where a lot of it 'depends'. might be 6-5k but could be potentially more than twice as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 14:26

but I would need more tests first to determine that. It's not straight forward.

OP posts:
Xerochrysum · 17/01/2021 14:43

Does your mil know where the money for surgery came from? Assume she doesn't, since £5k is quite a lot of money, and normal person would feel obliged to pay it back.
Maybe tell her the truth and ask her to help in return? She had to pay it back, or at least your dh had to in the first place, unless they think you are below them and they don't owe you anything.

Raindropsonrosesand · 17/01/2021 14:44

Very much a case of 'what's yours is mine but what's mine is mine' from your DH.

Can't believe that he would spend your money on private medical care for his mother but have to be pushed on private medical care for you when you need it.

I'd be pushing really hard for MIL to pay back the money/return the favour, now that you need it for medical care. That would cause the least damage to your marriage. Speak to her if your DH won't. Write her a letter/email if you find it hard to be assertive.

If she won't repay you, make sure your DH doesn't weasel his way into making you cover the repayments for your own private medical care yourself.

You said that you and DH cover household expenses 50/50, but you paid your parents back the 5k used for MIL yourself!!!

At the absolute least he already owes you £2.5k for his half of his mother's care, along with paying 50/50 for your private medical care. Ie if both MILs care and yours are considered family expenses.

If he expects you to make the repayments for your own medical costs, then he owes you £5k for his mother's costs. Up to him whether he gets that from his mother or takes a loan.

WilsonMilson · 17/01/2021 14:48

He stole the money your parents gave you and made you suffer with a ridiculous travel situation for 2 years because of it?
Absolute shite and I’d have left him for that. I can’t imagine the effect this must have had on your marriage. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Madamum18 · 17/01/2021 14:56

All other things aside, it is still an outrage that he was happy to use your money to pay to make his mum's life easier but is now not willing to pay for YOUR life to be easier.

Yup! It's a husband problem not a MIL problem!!

Biffbaff · 17/01/2021 15:25

Being passive won't get you anywhere with this OP. You need to ask and keep asking. Getting angry about it with Internet strangers is only going to offer temporary relief but it isn't going to get you the operation you need. Good luck.

Ihatefish · 17/01/2021 15:34

So your DH stole property from you and gave the property to his mum. I would demand the return of the stolen property immediately then leave the common thief

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 17/01/2021 16:56

@Raindropsonrosesand

Very much a case of 'what's yours is mine but what's mine is mine' from your DH.

Can't believe that he would spend your money on private medical care for his mother but have to be pushed on private medical care for you when you need it.

I'd be pushing really hard for MIL to pay back the money/return the favour, now that you need it for medical care. That would cause the least damage to your marriage. Speak to her if your DH won't. Write her a letter/email if you find it hard to be assertive.

If she won't repay you, make sure your DH doesn't weasel his way into making you cover the repayments for your own private medical care yourself.

You said that you and DH cover household expenses 50/50, but you paid your parents back the 5k used for MIL yourself!!!

At the absolute least he already owes you £2.5k for his half of his mother's care, along with paying 50/50 for your private medical care. Ie if both MILs care and yours are considered family expenses.

If he expects you to make the repayments for your own medical costs, then he owes you £5k for his mother's costs. Up to him whether he gets that from his mother or takes a loan.

And what about the £5k the OP repaid her parents?

He owes her a lot more than £2.5k

BloggersBlog · 17/01/2021 17:16

Really sad that the only person in this whole scenario that is out of pocket is you OP.

Thank you for answering my question. The only thing I think in your response is just to point out that I didnt say your parents expected you to repay them. I said they "accepted" you repaying them. Which I still find shocking. They took money from their daughter whilst you are caring for a child with a disability Sad

You have been done up by everyone around you

Serin · 17/01/2021 17:19

OMG.
Love, they are treating you with disdain. I'd get the Hell out of there as soon as you can.

Youseethethingis · 17/01/2021 17:31

I said they "accepted" you repaying them. Which I still find shocking. They took money from their daughter whilst you are caring for a child with a disability
This was my thought too. OP could have spent it getting her boobs done for all the difference it made to her parents - they had given the money away.
The money OP paid back to them could have gone towards the car they wanted her to buy in the first place but instead she struggled twice over. I can’t understand it.

Xenia · 17/01/2021 17:32

It was not stolen. As soon as you put money into a joint account it can be jointly used (unless you have agreed something different between you). That is why it can be best to avoid joint accounts in some relationships.

However it was pretty mean, the whole thing.

52andblue · 17/01/2021 17:39

OP, I am sorry if you feel judged.
I have two autistic teens (not perhaps as severely but struggle to attend school so I cant work and my life is as their Carer and little else)
I was not able to leave my husband when they were little as I had no support and it just wasn't possible for me. I did leave when they were 9 & 12 and it has been very hard. You get no judgement from me.
I don't think others were judging (I hope) just shocked at your circs.x

Raindropsonrosesand · 17/01/2021 18:13

ReceptacleForTheRespectable - OP got some money from her parents which was then paid back. That gives a net zero - although she would be entitled to feel angry at DH that she missed out on a generous gift. OPs parents might offer it again some time in the future though.

It would be reasonable for OP and DH to agree that as a family they took responsibility for both MILs medical care and OPs. In this case DH would owe OP £2.5k for his share of MILs operation (which OP effectively paid for, by covering the repayments to her parents). He would also of course have to pay 50% of the repayments for OPs medical costs.

Raindropsonrosesand · 17/01/2021 18:15

What is completely unacceptable is for OP to pay 100% of MILs private medical costs, and not to get private medical care when she needs it.

PurpleMustang · 17/01/2021 18:17

OP, what i meant by if you didn't have the money he wouldn't of gone to your parents and asked for it is the principal of it. The money was there because of your parents to buy a car. If the money had not been there he would not have thought it ok to go and ask your parents for the money for the surgery so ot about trying to make he see the fact it was in your bank account did it make it ok to take it either. I am just trying to think of a way of explaining to him that makes him realises it was so God damn awful to do. And if he knew about you being unwell then more so that he took advantage of a vulnerable person. But he doesn't see it as that as he got what he wanted. But cared enough that you had to struggle catching a bus for 2 more years. His lack of care at the time was awful. I can understand why you didn't and haven't left and am really glad he did step up in the end but he still should of cared enough to make more than amends for this but he can't even agree he was wrong

PurpleMustang · 17/01/2021 18:23

God i wish there was an edit button *the fact that the money was in your account did NOT make it ok for him to use it

Strawberryfelineforever · 17/01/2021 18:25

The problem is with your husband. I don't know how he interpreted that money given to you specifically for the purpose of buying a car was his money to "gift" to anyone.

Cam2020 · 17/01/2021 18:35

As the MN saying goes, this isn't a MIL problem, it's a DH problem!

Unicant · 17/01/2021 18:38

You have a massive DH problem. He stole your money that was given to you as a gift... that is disgusting. Id be sympathetic if he had maybe asked you for a contribution to help for his mums operation... but to just take all of your money when he knew you needed it and didn't want him too... its honestly disgusting.

nocoolnamesleft · 17/01/2021 18:40

I'm not surprised you find it hard to get past this. I don't think it would legally count as theft, but morally it was. And from your point of view it wasn't money he stole, it was a way of making your life less crap. He decided it was more important to make his mother's life less crap than it was to make your life less crap, and stole from you to do it. That would fester. That he doesn't acknowledge what he did to you must make it harder to bear.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 17/01/2021 18:42

@Xenia

It was not stolen. As soon as you put money into a joint account it can be jointly used (unless you have agreed something different between you). That is why it can be best to avoid joint accounts in some relationships.

However it was pretty mean, the whole thing.

Legally, maybe not. Morally? Hell yes it was stolen. Her DH knew what it was for, knew where it came from, and took it anyway.
Giraffey1 · 17/01/2021 19:07

I’m really angry on your behalf, OP. How dare your H and his relatives decide that money given to you nor specific, important person, simply be siphoned off. That is shocking! If your MIL needed emergency surgery, the NHS would have provided it.

That your H still cannot see how appalling his actions were says so much about him.

Giraffey1 · 17/01/2021 19:08

for specific, important reasons