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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
Whynothaveathird · 16/01/2021 21:09

I’m so sorry op. Your ‘d’h is an absolute horror of a man.
Put the surgery on a card, let him figure it our

Unsinkablemoll · 16/01/2021 21:42

I wouldn't phrase it as 'you owe me £5000'. I'd say to her, 'you remember when you were really in trouble and I helped you out? Well now I'm in trouble and I need your help.'

Hankunamatata · 16/01/2021 21:47

I'd be telling dh he is taking a loan to pay for your medical treatment and he can pay for it out of his wage.

Pixxie7 · 16/01/2021 22:15

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable from what you have said the decision to have the surgery was to enable her to maintain her independence. The money was in a joint account so presumably for both to use you said you knew about it or have I misunderstood.
Yes it would be nice if your Mil helped but it’s not her responsibility surely.

SecondRow · 16/01/2021 22:37

Hi OP. I am so sorry you are in this situation now and in pain.

There is a lot of "Why didn't you..." "I would have..." "You should have..." on this thread. I just want to say I really feel for your sense of being overwhelmed by it all back then, the high-needs toddler, PND, just back to work, the buses, and then being let down in such an awful way by your H who should have had your back. Not everyone understands, but sometimes there are things you just cannot deal with for literally years, because if you open the lid on the pain of the betrayal, well, you couldn't afford to fall apart back then, you coped the only way you could. I just wanted to acknowledge that on the thread.

I wish you every strength in finding your way forward now. Did you ever have counselling for anything, or is it only now you are able to talk about it at all? Would talking to someone in real life help?

ElizaLaLa · 16/01/2021 22:59

Why are you still with him? Jesus Christ.

TotorosFurryBehind · 16/01/2021 23:08

Why are you still with DH after he stole your parents' money from you? You deserve better OP.

Pebbledashery · 16/01/2021 23:46

Your DH owes you 5k..not your MIL.
You be demanding it from him seeing as he clearly doesn't respect your opinion. I would've divorced him a long time ago if I was you.

nanbread · 17/01/2021 00:23

There is a lot of "Why didn't you..." "I would have..." "You should have..." on this thread. I just want to say I really feel for your sense of being overwhelmed by it all back then, the high-needs toddler, PND, just back to work, the buses, and then being let down in such an awful way by your H who should have had your back. Not everyone understands, but sometimes there are things you just cannot deal with for literally years, because if you open the lid on the pain of the betrayal, well, you couldn't afford to fall apart back then, you coped the only way you could. I just wanted to acknowledge that on the thread.

Great post @SecondRow

@ all the people asking "why are you still with him?"

OP has clearly explained this. She is being pragmatic and her H is a hands on dad - at the moment. As the parent of a child with significant lifelong needs it's not as simple as just divorcing him and starting again. Life would be really hard as a lone parent in that situation with a child who doesn't like change.

Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 09:39

Thanks SecondRow. I think you sort of got it.

I have to say, reading all the responses, I actually didn't understand that it was such an awful thing to do back then. I knew it was shit but reading all the replies was eye opening.

I actually cried a lot reading the replies - just felt like reopening of an old wound. I always wondered if I could do with some councilling as I never got over this but with working and caring, there isn't really time for self care (unless one has a child with complex needs, few will understand that).

It came a bit to a head yesterday with DH. I do not think he understands what he did to me either... but we are gonna look into getting some credit to fund treatment if possible.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 17/01/2021 09:48

I am sorry you just said but he does not see what he did to you. Does he think you didn't need to car so therefore it was ok? Does he think that it was ok to take it even though it came from you parents, for a specific purchase? Would if you didn't have the money, gone to your parents and asked for a gift of money for him Mum? I fucking doubt it!! He is avoiding this so that he doesn't have to admit what an utter shit thing it was to do!

PurpleMustang · 17/01/2021 09:51

Sorry that should of said 'What if you didn't have the money in the account, would HE have gone to your parents and asked for a GIFT of money to pay for his mum?

Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 09:59

purple I think he sees/saw it as no big issue as I had the bus (i.e. managed to get to work an nursery every day nevertheless regardless if the travel times and stress) and his mum needing treatment. His mum lives alone and 2 hours away from us and his siblings and was alone. so he wanted to me sure she was as good as she can be. The surgery had a massive positive impact on her life and I think he has some kind of tunnel vision about that.

Now, I need surgery and I will likely to linger several years on the NHS waiting list with covid. but we don't have the money so it is therefore 'different' this time whist first time round we had access to the funds. I think this is how he sees it.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 09:59

Sorry that should of said 'What if you didn't have the money in the account, would HE have gone to your parents and asked for a GIFT of money to pay for his mum?

no, but we DID have the money. That is the whole point.

OP posts:
june2007 · 17/01/2021 10:07

I can see where your husband was coming frm. she needed an op there was money to pay for it so that was prioritised..and you still got to work. It,s hard to arque with that. I mean if he had 5k now and you asked him for it for your op and he said no it,s for.... you would be annoyed as well. (This is not saying your wrong/ he is right it is looking at it from his point of view.).

Butterymuffin · 17/01/2021 10:09

But his mum has money, is that right? He could now ask to use her savings towards this, but he won't.

LaBellina · 17/01/2021 10:11

Wow. What an utter betrayal. I'm really sorry for you OP, you deserve (d) better.
If it's possible for you to get out of this relationship, I definetly would if I were in your shoes.

Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 10:14

But his mum has money, is that right? He could now ask to use her savings towards this, but he won't.

I don't know for sure and we are not close and rarely talk. I have no idea if DH discussed this with her. What is discussed at MILs, stays at MILs. I really don't know.

OP posts:
Bookworming · 17/01/2021 10:17

@whoshouldpay we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings

But now you don't know? Which is it?

If she hasn't got the money, then you can have it can you?

Butterymuffin · 17/01/2021 10:17

Ok, so ask him directly. Your money was 'family property' when it suited him, but now his family's money is their business and nothing to do with you? What a double standard.

I don't say this to have a go at you, but because your husband is being so hypocritical.

june2007 · 17/01/2021 10:18

She has some savings.. how much and if it is enough is what op doesn,t know.

Original poster
whoshouldpay · 17/01/2021 10:24

[quote Bookworming]**@whoshouldpay* we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings*

But now you don't know? Which is it?

If she hasn't got the money, then you can have it can you? [/quote]
I meant I am sure how much in savings she has. But I am sure she has some. She lives a humble lifestyle and is not a spender.

But it's really doesn't matter if she doesn't part from it. I am not having a good day pain wise. I will probably call her when I am feel a bit better.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 17/01/2021 10:32

no joint accounts. We earn and pay everything 50/50

You do most if the childcare and have a lesser earning job because of it and you pay 50% of the bills.
You then had to pay your parents back the £5000 your husband spent on his mother

I think you need to look again at what is going on with your finances
Your husband and his family are taking you for a mug whose sole purpose in life is to earn money for them and do all the everyday tasks caring for your son whilst his dad gets to do all the nice stuff.

I would be thinking about divorce and wanting an extra £5000 from the proceeds and 50/50 childcare to give you a break and to let your husband realise there are consequences to actions.
You could then afford to go private and sort yourself out.

BloggersBlog · 17/01/2021 11:58

no, but we DID have the money. That is the whole point

No, your parents had the money, which they GAVE TO THEIR DAUGHTER. There was no "WE had the money". If your parents wanted their daughters mother in law to have the money they would have given it directly to her. They didnt.

Plus, why did they accept you then paying them back for their gift? That is the weirdest thing to me

burnoutbabe · 17/01/2021 12:03

@BloggersBlog

no, but we DID have the money. That is the whole point

No, your parents had the money, which they GAVE TO THEIR DAUGHTER. There was no "WE had the money". If your parents wanted their daughters mother in law to have the money they would have given it directly to her. They didnt.

Plus, why did they accept you then paying them back for their gift? That is the weirdest thing to me

Yes the parents part is the weirdest thing. Assume the op hasn't had a car all this time and parents have never offered again (even buying car directly?) they are hacked off with the husband but punished their daughter by not re-gifting the money.

But this was all 15 years ago. The op stayed with her husband as she was financially better off than divorcing so you can say she got her money back that way.