to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

I could not get past it if DH had done this to me.

I would be livid

I'd have left him over that.

She got the car 2 years latter.

I had PND, I had a very difficult toddler (undiagnosed), finances were not great. I struggled with the commute on bus. I was in a very dark place then. I would have never had the strength to leave at that point. It's great that many MN's would have had the strength to pull themselves out of that very dark black hole to leave but I couldn't but I was too weak. Simple as that.

and as it stands now, we are ok and I and DS are far better off in my marriage than as a lone parent. Both financially and practically. DH despite all is now a hands on dad. Anyone who has a severely autistic teen will understand how much of a difference this makes. But I do understand that, unless it is your lived experience, it may be hard to get your head around it.

I have to say I feel rather judged for not leaving.

This is mums net people suggest divorce at the slightest thing.

You did the best you could in a difficult situation OP, without real support and you shouldn't be judged for that.
I think people may have been more judging your DH, who as you say, still doesn't get that what he did was wrong. and were annoyed on your behalf rather than getting at you personally.
I'm sorry to read that this has opened old wounds but maybe it is for the best to get it out there and try to resolve it.
Can you explore if the private meds people have any finance plans for surgeries? I know that Dentists often do.. so the money could be paid off at low interest over a period of time.
Your DH would be more motivated to get the cash back from MIL if he had to take responsibility for a loan!! I wish you and your DS well and hope you get the medical help you need soon

I don't judge you for not leaving, I'm angry that you were trapped in that situation and couldn't leave. It shouldn't have happened and every single one of them aught to be ashamed of the way they treated you. No one was willing to take responsibility for what they did to you.
You husband needs to get the money for your private treatment, there is no way on earth he should be letting you suffer. And I think his mum is the scum of the earth for taking that money and not even considering paying it back or offering to help with your treatment now.

It is awful that he still can't see or admit what he did, though. This isn't the "slightest thing", it's a big thing which, although the OP felt she had no choice but to live with it, has never been resolved.

whoshouldpay, how badly do you think he wants the marriage to continue? Could you make him believe he would have DS 50-50 and therefore have to rearrange his lifestyle, if he does not step up and resolve this? Either by finding the money or at least understanding your perspective and giving a sincere apology.

I take it he never even once attempted the horrible bus journey with DS back then?

I'm sorry but you're husband sounds like a bully and it's true. How dare he think that was his money to give? It clearly wasn't. My heart hurts that you had to go through all that with your son with the buses etc and post natal depression.

I'd explain the situation to your MIL and let her know what her son did and ask her to give you the money as a loan. Then say your son will pay you back.

OP I'm sorry you feel judged. I respect that no one knows the day to day of your life and understand you are making a choice to stay for many more reasons that are valid.

I don't think its judgement, i think its absolute outrage on your behalf.

Perhaps DH needs to read this thread if he cannot see the true clarity of what he did. It's not often a thread bothers me but this has honestly been on mind since I first read it. It's just so... awful in plain sight, hidden behind a good deed that makes it easy to feel confused about the initial act. What he did was so utterly wrong, but I cannot get over him letting you pay your parents back. He took 5k from you, then let you pay another 5k back over years! I do believe you are effectively 10k down thanks to his generous gift to his mother.

I've had PND and I can totally understand how at the time it felt confusing and overwhelming to deal with and how the years have rolled by.

I'm just so mad for you.

whoshouldpay, how badly do you think he wants the marriage to continue? Could you make him believe he would have DS 50-50...

I don't want to be away from DS 50/50.

besides, it would mean only one adult is around at a time which would not work given DS's profile. We both would to have work part time and there would be 2 sets of rent and massively increased financial pressure. The current set up works really best for all despite what has happened 14 years ago.

Why did your parents accept the money back when they know that you didnt benefit from it?

I am not sure I am the only parent who wouldnt dream of accepting money from my DD who was caring for my GC with a disability and had a crappy H, and who then paid me out of her own money

Absolutely bizarre

Please don't feel judged. It's upto you to stay in the marriage... I would do the same for the same reasons. But your DH needs to either pay for your treatment or borrow of his mum and pay it back. He should have paid you back tbh even if it meant like 100 pounds a month or whatever.

I am sure I am not

Your husband owes you 10k

@BloggersBlog

Why did your parents accept the money back when they know that you didnt benefit from it?

I am not sure I am the only parent who wouldnt dream of accepting money from my DD who was caring for my GC with a disability and had a crappy H, and who then paid me out of her own money

Absolutely bizarre

They didn't ask back for it. But I insisted. My parents aren't rich or loaded and I felt it was the right thing to do as they gave it to me for a specific purpose and I did not use it as such. and I did it over a 4-5 years without interest. I just felt it was the right thing to do. I don't think it is that odd but going off a lot of comments here it is.

looking back I think I really couldn't see the wood for the trees. I probably would handle things differently now. hindsight is a beautiful thing. I have to say the saying is true.

MILis not scum of the earth if she was told it was a gift.

Your husband owes you 5k as I said above.

And loyalty.
And consideration.
And understanding.
And a need to put you and your child first.

For starters.

You are a better woman than me OP

I don't blame you for not leaving. Your DH shouldn't have given his mum the money without your consent. But putting it in context, she did need the op, it has made a huge difference to her and it's not like he gambled it away.

Now your DH is stepping up to the plate, but you still have this resentment. I think you need to sit him down and explain exactly how awful things were for you. Make him hear and understand it. Explain that he has to appreciate what you went through in order for you to get past it. How YOU were the one to make sacrifices for his decision. Not him. Not his mum.

Then, you sit and work out how you're going to get the money to get your op done privately. That might meant him asking his mum. Perhaps your parents would be happy to help you out again, given you paid them back in full the last time.

But in order to be able to leave this deep resentment behind, I believe you have to address those two issues.

I can't believe somebody would do that in the first place, your husband and his entire family but especially your husband, putting his wife and child to the very back of the queue. I wouldn't be with him now, that's for sure.

Sorry OP, I know you don't wish to divorce. I just meant as a way of getting him to face things and acknowledge it – like has he any awareness that it is actually bad enough that many posters here feel they would have divorced over it? You don't have to just shut up about it only because it was a good few years ago – if his marriage is important to him he will need to faceup to things and work through it with you

I haven't read all the pages

If you are in pain, can you get a bank loan to pay for the surgery ?

Have you investigated how much the surgery would be exactly ? In your home country or abroad ?

Have you visited an NHS pain clinic ?

Perhaps there are options that you have not thought of ?

All other things aside, it is still an outrage that he was happy to use your money to pay to make his mum's life easier but is now not willing to pay for YOUR life to be easier.

I understand your points on why you prefer to stay in the marriage - but you need to fight for the money to get your operation because it is ridiculously unfair that he has done this to you, and is STILL treating you badly now.

I really hope that he comes to his senses (or is brought to them by you) and finds the money for your op.

How much would this op you need cost of done privately? Is it bang on £5k?

I still feel that he owes you this £5k not your MIL and should be looking to find the funds (whatever the amount, even better if the op is less than £5k) and be driving this for you.

Even if this hasn't happened and you hadn't lost £5k, it would be nice of your DH to see that you are in pain and rather than wait years potentially on the NHS that he would work with you to try and source the money somehow.