to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

[whoshouldpay]

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

@Lenin1870 have you read the bloody thread other than the title?! Although you’ve been goady on other posts today!!

OP I wouldn’t be with him now tbh. He is not “d” anything. Basically him and his siblings stole your money!! Theft! Of the money your parents gave you.

I would go straight to MIL yourself and tell her she has to repay the loan.

I’m gobsmacked by this tbh.

You paid your parents back the £5k??

I'd definitely be divorcing.

@whoshouldpay

I don't have a particular good relationship with her. she is not a bad person. we are just different people - we don't click/gel. We are not close at all and rarely talk. I don't feel I can ask her.

Then you have nothing to lose by asking her.

Your DH's actions are definitely LTB territory. I wouldn't have forgiven it either. You haven't and you can consider your options.

I've just seen the update that you also had to pay your parents back. So you have lost out twice. This is crazy OP, your DH and his family fully owe you big time.

Fucking hell. Your husband stole from you. I think this is genuinely up there among the worst things I have read on here. It's horrible. I never say this but I will niw: LTB. Seriously.

Your MIL is not at fault here as she is probably oblivious to the source of the original funding (unless I've missed something). I can imagine your parents are pretty pissed off over this too! I'm not quite sure why/how this was tolerated at the time as although I understand you had PND surely someone should have had your back when clearly DH did not.

I appreciate you are requiring surgery but I would contact your local private Hospitals and find out what payment plans they have available and go down this route. Then once your strong enough I would be getting shot of DH (the D being overstated) as clearly he does not put you or your son first. The debt from the surgery would be taken into consideration and split when doing a financial settlement. He will not change and you should not be expected to spend the rest of your days in this type of relationship!

I would go to her and explain that the money wasn’t your DHs, it was yours from your parents and had no right to give it to her at the time and you now need it back.

I had that convo years ago. She said DH transferred it to her (true). and that's sorted it for her.

But thanks for the responses. will try to have a serious chat with her this weekend! I don't have anything to lose I suppose!

I can't believe your H (certainly not a D one) stole your money. What did your mum say about it?

I can't see any way your H will pressure his mum for the money. He obviously values her above you.

I would tell him he owes you the money as he's the one who stole it and he can get credit or do whatever he needs to to pay for it or I would divorce him.

How dare he steal from you.

I am absolutely appalled at your husbands actions. How dare he give away that money, especially without your consent!

How livid must your parents have been to know that they gave you money for a car and your husband instead gave the money away.

Can I ask, did your brother in law/sister in law also put in money for your MIL surgery or did they all just collude together to use your £5000?

Your MIL should have paid you and your DH back as soon as possible.

I would not have stayed with my DH if he had done this to me. Now that 15 years have passed I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation tbh OP but I am disgusted on your behalf

Your DH owes you the £5k he stole from you. He sounds like a shit and I'd divorce him over this.

Bloody hell.

Your DH is a piece of work. After stealing your car money I would have dumped your Ds on DH and left him to do the nursery run.

Your DH does not prioritise your health, your well being, or your marriage.

It is him who stole your money.

If it was needed it should have been for a very short while and then paid back.

Your parents must have been fuming!

I don’t know where you go from here, OP. I would be telling DH that your forthcoming divorce will cost him a lot more than honouring what you are owed.

Bloody hell, how could he watch you do that nursery run?

@PinkiOcelot

Regardless of this “history” it is unreasonable to DEMAND money off someone. That’s how I see it.

Tbh OP can DEMAND all she likes and the MIL can easily just say “nope”

It's the police you need to speak to. Your husband stole £5000 from you, and his mother "received stolen goods" when she accepted it from him.
That said, if it was in a joint account, you're fucked, but you asking the police for advice might make him realise exactly what he did.
It's not his mother's fault though, he stole it from you. I would still ask her if she's ok with this though, but honestly, she will justify it and not care or help.
Your husband is a thief and a twat.

Your husband stole your savings? As in took the money without your permission, didn't tell you he was going to do it, gave it someone else and didn't give it back? Plus he didn't even take his own son to school, leaving you to work full time without a car, juggling multiple buses before work to drop off your child to school?

Why on earth are you with this awful man? What do you get out if it and how can you live with him knowing he stole your savings?

I think you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Is there a reason you let people treat you so badly?

Was MIL aware at the time that it was your car money?

If it was a decision taken by her children then it is your H’s responsibility, not hers.

Though I would expect her to help, and to have a word with her son.

But ultimately it is he who caused the issue and is responsible.

Yabu to think you can ‘demand’ money from anyone or to think that your OH would even put pressure for the money given what you had said he thinks.

Your OH was totally unreasonable to transfer your money from your parents without your agreement. Did you have it in a joint account?

If I were you I’d ask if MIL could help with cost of surgery and point out you helped her and hope she returns the favour.

I’d also make sure any future savings of yours are in separate account in your name only and NEVER EVER include SIL or BIL in decision about how you spend your savings.

Your husband doesn’t sound like he values you honestly. For decades he’s been more than happy to let you suffer and get on with it, his own birth family is his priority.

I don’t think you have any rights to his mother’s money per se, but I definitely think you should consider if this marriage is for you. You don’t have to go through life being treated like this.

Wow your DH is a massive bellend isn’t he? I’m so sorry OP. I know how debilitating PND is and why you were unable to speak up properly at the time. Your husband stole from his vulnerable wife, no wonder your mum was distraught. I’m not sure what the solution is now though.

Of course she’s not going to give you the money. She’s a cow.

And your husband should be in JAIL.

@whoshouldpay

I would go to her and explain that the money wasn’t your DHs, it was yours from your parents and had no right to give it to her at the time and you now need it back.

I had that convo years ago. She said DH transferred it to her (true). and that's sorted it for her.

But thanks for the responses. will try to have a serious chat with her this weekend! I don't have anything to lose I suppose!

Actually OP, I wouldn’t bother.

If she knows the circumstances already and wasn’t willing to do the right thing then she’s as bad as her children.

Save your emotional energy. Use that to make plans to leave. Or if you won’t/can’t/don’t want to leave then focus on how you can let go of the hurt and anger over his betrayal - perhaps investigate counselling- and talk to him about whether you can afford a loan if you really believe private surgery will benefit you. He needs to show he can put you first, not his mother.

In fact - your DH can borrow £5K off his mother and HE can pay it back over time, like YOU had to with your parents.

I just saw your update after I posted that you paid your parents back too!

I would tell my H he's to pay me back the £10k he owes me or that would be it. I wouldn't care how he got it. Credit, selling things, whatever. That would be my line in the sand.

Don't let him walk all over you OP.

What he did was appalling.

What an absolute dick.
Your husband is an utterly selfish bastard and unless he’s got a golden penis that shoots rainbows I’d be packing my bags. (And even then!) he STOLE from you. He handed the money to his mother without a word to you. He then ostriche-d the fuck of out himself so he could pretend it never happened and your MIL is a bitch for implying it was his money.
Pack all the bags, take everything. This piece of shit deserves to sleep on the streets for what he has done to you and your baby.
Scum.

Sorry but if this happened 15 years ago, there’s nothing you can legally do to reclaim the money.

The statute of limitations is 6 years so the deadline has passed, therefore the debt has been written off.

That doesn’t stop you from asking them or to even consider divorce though.

Sorry to say but I think you’ve wasted many years with this man

I don't see this as a MIL issue. Your D H stole the money from you, he took it without your consent and used it for his mother's surgery.

I'd have left him for that alone.

And now he is minimising your need for surgery.

He does not sound like a nice person.

So, with regard to your question that you demand your MIL pays for your medical treatment, YABU.

Morally, she should pay, but judging by her son's behaviour, stealing money from you, I wouldn't hold my breath as it would appear their moral compass is way off kilter. They're takers.