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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to demand that MIL pay for my private medical treatment?

639 replies

whoshouldpay · 16/01/2021 10:45

namechanged and this is long...

DS is 15 and has severe autism (low functioning-ish).

I had to return to work when DS was 1 (he was a very delayed toddler but undiagnosed back then). I left looking for a nursery a bit late so found only one which was a bit further from home. I did not have a car at that time so needed to take public transport - a total of 3 buses each way: a 20 bus ride from home change buses, take another 20 min bus ride to nursery and from there it was another 15 mins bus ride + 10 min walk to work. DS did not cope well - he was just crying and screaming. it was very difficult.

Around that time, my parents had a financial windfall and transferred £5000 into our account (I had a joint account with DH) for me to buy a car.

we had picked out the car but the MIL had an accident which required surgery. As the waiting times on the NHS were too long and the wait would have had a detrimental impact on MIL and the ability to function on a day to day basis, DH and his brother and sister decided, to get the surgery done privately to help their mother. Neither of them had savings, so DH transferred our savings (i.e. the money mum had sent me for the car) to MIL and private treatment was promptly sorted and successful. I did not agree with the transfer but DH went ahead anyways. DS was a very difficult toddler, didn't sleep well. I developed PND and was not able to really challenge DH on it - I just wasn't in a good place.

Unfortunately, this meant I had to spent another 2 year using buses as we had to start saving for the money from scratch.

It was 2 years of hell and I have never forgiven DH, Mil and Sil and Bil. I cry regularly about it. I just cannot get over it and let it go. I don't understand it myself...

Now, I have a chronic condition which needs surgery as I am in constant pain but due to covid, waiting times are through the roof.

we do not have the funds to pay for private treatment but I know MIL has some savings. I have demanded that DH requests for MIL to pay for my surgery. after all, I and DS were the ones who paid for her treatment many years ago by not getting a car. It did not have any impact on DH, not his siblings. Knowing MIL, she will not part happily from her cash so this will need loads of pressure from DH. Bil and Sil (who 15 years ago agreed I should sacrifice the car to fund surgery), said it has nothing to do with them.

DH says I am totally unreasonable and that Mils was an emergency and we cannot compare these two and that the money was not a loan but a gift to her and that I will just have to wait for the NHS to sort me.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 16/01/2021 18:50

Maybe her parents didn’t want to risk DH’s thieving bastard family stealing another £5k?

Wanderlust20 · 16/01/2021 18:58

At first I thought it was your MIL that gave you the money (and your hubby essentially gave it back) but I've just reread your post!! Shock Can't believe he gave away YOUR money from YOUR parents, without your permission! I'd be furious, you're not unreasonable. Your turn to be looked after by them in your time of need.

FailingMotherhood · 16/01/2021 19:02

Your husband owes you £5k.

BloggersBlog · 16/01/2021 19:07

@burnoutbabe

And when she paid her parents back, why then did they not give her the money back to buy the car then?

The parents actions make no sense, either by accepting the repayments or just gifting the money again.

It's all very odd.

I was thinking this too. If my DDs husband stole the money that I had given her as a gift due to my financial windfall - I certainly wouldnt accept her paying me back for my gift Hmm

Very strange. As is calling your husband Darling Husband when he has stolen £5k from you

MusterMark · 16/01/2021 19:08

@Worst Certainly the OP is 10K worse off now than her position would have been if she had accepted the gift and bought the car.

However, this is in part because her mother is 5K better off now than she would have been had the gift not been returned.

Consider it from the husband's point of view. He is 5K better off as a result of the "loan" from his wife. Excluding interest, he has no cause to repay more than this.

To restore the original position, the OP would need to accept a new gift of 5K from her DM and extract a 5K repayment from her DH.

TheABC · 16/01/2021 19:10

I am flabbergasted that your husband will leave you in pain, yet stole your car money to fund something more trivial for MiL.

Does he have anything valuable to sell? I would do that, if so, to cover the operation. The same rules apply!

Otherwise, I would do as other posters suggest and cut back on your contributions to save for it.

Canwecancel2020 · 16/01/2021 19:17

I think you need a proper conversation, lay it bare and be prepared for the consequences of some hard truths

“It still hurts that after you took the money that mum and dad gave me for the car, to help MIL, I understood this was important at the time, but you did nothing to help me with getting ds to nursery or to pay back the money to buy the car. You know you spent mum and dad’s money against my will at the time. I can let that go if you now appreciate the amount of pain I’m in and the fact that I need the same in return regarding my healthcare needs. I need you to prioritise my health as you did with your mum 15 years ago, either by getting that money back from your family or by taking out a loan/paying the cost out of savings. If you are not prepared to prioritise my health the way you did with your mum, and repay the money that I was deprived of all those years ago, then I can’t help but see that as proof of how little you care and value my welfare. If you aren’t prepared to put this right now, at a time I really need It, I can’t see that our marriage has any future.

mumof2exhausted · 16/01/2021 19:18

Oh my gosh. Why are you still with him?? I’m genuinely baffled as to why women put up with so much crap from their “dear” husbands.

CharlotteRose90 · 16/01/2021 19:23

I voted yabu and I apologise I read the thread that it was your MIL that gave the money and then took it back. No fuck that either your DH owes you the money or they do. That is completely bang out of order and I would re think my marriage if it was me.

Lochroy · 16/01/2021 19:45

@Worst

(How can people not understand that OP is £10k worse off? It's really not that hard! Her MIL has £5k of it, and her DM has the other £5k of it. Anyway, it's really not the point of the thread, so I'll leave it there.)

You've left out the bit where her DM gave her the £5k in the first place so her net position is -£5k not -£10k,

However, she is -£5k and with no car to show for it because the £5k went to MIL. The loan from DM and payment back leaves a neutral position.

I'd be asking DH what he can sell, or what MIL can sell/loan to fund the surgery for sure. Although given their track record, I wouldn't be hopeful of anything but it's a point which needs to be made. And I wouldn't have let it go for so long.

Thewordgame · 16/01/2021 19:47

Your in laws are all thieves, you will need to go to extremes to get your money back as they will not understand. Ditch your husband at the first chance, absolute dickhead.

Purplethrow · 16/01/2021 19:53

Surely if mil needed emergency surgery it would have been done by the nhs.
I can’t believe your husband stole this money from you.

DenisetheMenace · 16/01/2021 19:55

My husband wouldn’t touch money gifted to me by my parents (though I would happily share with him 😇 - not necessarily with his mother though !)

Jeremyironseverything · 16/01/2021 20:11

She's definitely 5k worse off - not 10k.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 16/01/2021 20:14

Your husband has put his family before you and DS twice now. I'm willing to bet he regularly undermines you and shows preference for MIL. He will continue to do so.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2021 20:16

@Jeremyironseverything

She's definitely 5k worse off - not 10k.
On the face of it, 5k. It can be argued 10k as it wasn’t a loan. But op felt bad that her parents’ money had been misappropriated and paid them back.
Sweettea1 · 16/01/2021 20:17

Dh needs to get a 2nd job and pay you back the money he stole from you or pay for your treatment. Does mil know he used your money with permission? Have sil and bil payed you anything bk since they agreed to spilt the bill. You have dh problems not mil problems.

PurpleMustang · 16/01/2021 20:31

Sorry but you are a better woman than me. No way would I have stayed if he had done that. And only would I if him and his siblings had arranged to pay it back to me. Why has he and they not felt guilty about this over the time and made amends to pay it back? I don't think you can necessarily blame/involve MIL. Whilst it wasn't her fault when the accident was, and if she was given it as a gift then she doesn't need to pay it back. Plus I also think she sees it as from if not all her kids then at least your husband and therefore entitled to it as they/him helping out their dear old mum. She doesn't see it as yours. And I hugely suspect she told her friends it came from him and not you when gushing about being helped to pay for it. Your husband and his siblings should of seen you and your son right with the money for the car afterwards and not let you be inconvenienced by their selfish behaviour. Has he worked extra/made any attempt to pay the money back? Ultimately he was happy to see you and DS struggle and do nothing to fix it. And it is perfectly understandable that your parents don't like him after what he did but I hope it doesn't mean you see them any less as they would then be even worse off for trying to help you in the first place. What did he say about the fact that you paid them back and he has never fixed this?

LilMidge01 · 16/01/2021 20:37

I really feel for you and I get the tit-for-tat approach. But....I think the issue is trying to close the gate after the horse has bolted. These issues should ahve been discussed and sorted out all those years ago when your DH effectively stole (legally didnt though) your cash. Boundaries should have been drawn, agreements on how these sort of things should be handled (I would've also closed the joint account and never put money there again)...but it sounds like instead resentment has just built over th years.
I know that doesn't help your current situation but I am going to say YABU only because...it's too late.

ChristmasJumpers · 16/01/2021 20:38

I'm sorry OP, I can't fathom how any DH could do this to his wife and son. So many things could have made this better. DH should have discussed it with you in the first place. If it really was that urgent then he should have told his mother the month was a loan. He should at the VERY least have paid your parents back himself. I can't believe he watched you pay it back bit by bit - you have effectively paid for his mother's surgery and he has paid nothing! Or he should have saved up his own money for your car (or both). I'm also surprised at your parent accepting your repayments, if I were them I would have insisted on DH paying the money back and if he refused, letting you off the hook. They gave you the money in the first place as a gift so it seems odd that they let you pay it back instead of telling you to keep hold of your money (you could be 5k better off by now).

MrsAmaretto · 16/01/2021 20:47

Your husband owes you £5k. He took your savings, what he spent it on doesn’t matter. Does he have goods he could sell to start paying it back?

Scarlettpixie · 16/01/2021 20:58

Your DH is the one at fault for what happened 15 years ago. I am amazed your marriage survived it tbh. I don’t think you can ‘demand’ anything from your MIL.

TheGreatSloth · 16/01/2021 21:02

I’d be getting legal advice on what you can do to reclaim stolen money. Your Dh is a bully and a thief.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 16/01/2021 21:03

I would tell him he owes you the money as he's the one who stole it and he can get credit or do whatever he needs to to pay for it or I would divorce him.

This. In spades. Good God, OP why on earth would you stay with someone like this? He gaslights you, steals thousands from you, makes the logistics of your everyday life as difficult as possible, is incompetent at parenting his own child and has no empathy or compassion for you and your condition.

You can do so much better! And please do not use your son as an excuse in your head for staying together because this man is pathetic excuse for a role model.

I would have divorced him over that. He'd have to have a 10 inch solid gold cock to ever get back in my bed after having the nerve to say you'll just have to wait for the NHS. Even then I'd be more inclined to lop it off and sell it.

sofiaaaaaa · 16/01/2021 21:04

@TheGreatSloth

I’d be getting legal advice on what you can do to reclaim stolen money. Your Dh is a bully and a thief.
Fuck all as the statute of limitations is 6 year. Legally any debt has been written off