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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

210 replies

TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:05

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 04/01/2021 21:07

Is it a tiara?

VettiyaIruken · 04/01/2021 21:08

I'd find out what it's worth and give him his share.
If what matters to him is getting his piece of the cash, let him have it and he can crack on

Soundbyte · 04/01/2021 21:08

Keep it. It was a family heirloom passed to you from your mother, nothing to do with anyone else.

MaizeBlouse · 04/01/2021 21:09

Well your DM wanted to give it to you and she did, so now it's yours to do with as you please.

OppsUpsSide · 04/01/2021 21:10

It’s up to your mum.

OppsUpsSide · 04/01/2021 21:10

And she’s already made her decision.

NotCornflakes · 04/01/2021 21:10

Keep it, it's yours. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into giving it away or giving anyone money for it.

stonebrambleboy · 04/01/2021 21:10

Your mother wants you to have it, so keep it.

Diverseduvet · 04/01/2021 21:11

Let it stay in your safe keeping, ready to 'lend' it to each female family member as they get married. When you get older pass it to the oldest female off spring so they can look after it. It may not actually be worth as much as your brother thinks!

Lollypop701 · 04/01/2021 21:14

You mum owns it, it’s up to her who gets it. That said if it worth a significant amount of money you might suggest the money side is evened up in the will? If not I can see a fallout, and it’s not worth it IMO.

RuthTopp · 04/01/2021 21:14

You keep it for the rest of your life , pass into any daughters you may have. If you don't have daughters , pass onto first daughter of family member within the family ( i.e having contact with family members ) able to loan out to other female family members as it currently is.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 04/01/2021 21:15

I think the heirloom should be valued as part of the estate and deducted from the third of the share of whoever gets it. So if the entire estate is valued at 300k and the heirloom is worth 1k and you inherit it, then you get 99k + heirloom & the other 2 shares are 100.5k each.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 21:16

Your mother have it to you because she wanted you, her daughter, to have it. It is yours. Keep it and refuse to entertain any further discussion.

Somanysocks · 04/01/2021 21:16

Surely an heirloom is a cherished family possession, not to be reduced to something of just monetary value.

Youseethethingis · 04/01/2021 21:16

All these nasty grasping idiots can do one.
Your mother has gifted an item precious to her to a person precious to her and it has precisely nothing to do with anyone else.
I’m very miffed on your behalf!

RandomMess · 04/01/2021 21:16

You keep it in the family and others can borrow it.

skyblu · 04/01/2021 21:17

I’d keep it and pass it down (in your will) to whomever YOU would like to. You might have a granddaughter by then.

I would loan it to your niece for her wedding day if that’s what you know she’d really like (her ‘something borrowed’), but ultimately, it’s been left to you, it’s yours and that’s that until you decide to pass it on.

1Morewineplease · 04/01/2021 21:17

Talk to a solicitor.

Bunchup · 04/01/2021 21:18

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2021 21:18

It was the mother's gift to give.

The rest can get lost.

MillieVanilla · 04/01/2021 21:18

Nope, nothing to do with her.
She could have been polite about it all but to get in touch to ask about her slice of a will that hasn't been read yet as they are still alive is abhorrent
I would cut her out the will entirely and ensure the money they do leave the grandchildren is in a water tight trust for their use only.
What an utter CF

SpikySara · 04/01/2021 21:20

Keep it. You are the only daughter, it’s rightfully yours. Do you have any daughters? If so it should go to your eldest daughter, if not then you could leave it to the eldest granddaughter.

peonia · 04/01/2021 21:21

How valuable is the item? Would seem strange for them to want to fall out over it unless it's very valuable.

In any case it's yours now - does your brother want to add up all the value of gifts he's received from your parents over his lifetime and you do the same?

Be careful about lending it out to your niece (s) too for their wedding days, sounds like something that could get "lost" by them.

pelosi · 04/01/2021 21:22

Keep the heirloom.

And i hope parents have ensure DGC don't get inheritance until they're 25 or similar.

How was SIL left financially when your DB left?

BlueThistles · 04/01/2021 21:22

it's yours Flowers