Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

[TerracottaDream]

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom.

An heirloom is something that has stayed in a family for generations. It would be a huge insult to your mother to sell it.

Why don't you make a document to go with it cataloguing the family members you know have worn it, along with photographs. Also ask your mum to write you a letter gifting it to you, to include with it.
Also if you lend it out, consider getting a legal document drawn up each time (citing insurance as the reason).

But it's not meant to be sold! You're acting as custodian of an heirloom, which is to be handed down.

@Bunchup

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.

The brother is sadly dead - probably best delete this comment...

ignore me I've misunderstood the full post. As usual can't delete posts either!

I’d also say keep it, but habe it valued and then ensure a third of the value each is given to your other siblings from your share of the estate

So for example if it’s worth 1k and there are three of you, on your mother’s demise you her 650 odd quid less, the money being split between the other two.

This is the fair way to do it. You get to keep it. But they still get their financial share of it.

If you really don't want to part with it, It should be valued and you give your brother his share and your other brothers children get his share split between them.

We had a similar situation with my grandmothers wedding ring from when she married my grandfather. My mum had it as she was the closest to my grandma when she passed, and when I got engaged, I asked if I could use that ring for my wedding ring. Mum had no problems with that but said I had to ask my 2 aunts, my uncle, sister and 3 cousins as they all had a right to it. None of them wanted it and actually liked that it was going to be reused.

@Bunchup

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.

So for example if it’s worth 1k and there are three of you, on your mother’s demise you her 650 odd quid less, the money being split between the other two

On those figures, who could be arsed? A codicil to my will states who gets my jewellery and it’s not part of the fairly divided financial pot. Because its value isn’t monetary.

All this “have it valued and give them their share” is well and good but there’s a difference between the value of something and what you’d get if you sold it.
My engagement ring on paper is “worth” £6,500 thereabouts for insurance purposes. I’d not get £1000 if i sold it, which is absolutely fine because I’m not selling it!
If my children were to fight over it one day, should one pay the other £6k to keep them quiet, for the privilege of not being forced to sell the symbol of their parents marriage?
Funny people about here.

Lord, they all sound like a mercenary bunch! Who puts this much thought into the splitting of individual items while the parents are still alive?

The ex wife sounds like a CF generally, but there's no reason your mum should be expected to leave it to her oldest granddaughter rather than her own daughter. Obviously.

Your brother is also being an arse.

YANBU.