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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

210 replies

TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:05

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/01/2021 21:32

If you choose to lend it out make sure you get it back.
How tacky to make claims on a will when the people are still alive.

Standrewsschool · 04/01/2021 21:33

You mother gave it to you. It’s yours. No one else has a claim on it.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 21:34

As for SIL, regardless of the reasons, she and your brother were separated at the time of his death. So she was already no longer family.

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/01/2021 21:34

Widowed sister in law is massively out of order to contact your grieving parents out of the blue to demand inheritance and heirlooms
I do think your parents are correct to include her and her kids but I'm shocked that she brought it up with them
As for your brother it is awkward as he had been left out of a gift /inheritance, I would offer him money as that's what he wants to just settle it but I'd think less if him going forward

AhNowTed · 04/01/2021 21:35

Even vultures wait till the prey is dead.

BashfulClam · 04/01/2021 21:35

Why does oldest granddaughter trump only daughter? Your mother has passed it along to her female offspring, end of story.

Clymene · 04/01/2021 21:35

Sorry he had married another woman before he died? And now she s wants you to give it to her daughter? No.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 04/01/2021 21:35

Ops brother died... Maybe rtft....

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 21:36

I do think your parents are correct to include her and her kids but I'm shocked that she brought it up with them she doesn’t need including. She’s not his widow she’s his ex.

C0NNIE · 04/01/2021 21:36

If you think it’s valuable you need to get it valued and then insured for all risks before lending it out to anyone.

Palavah · 04/01/2021 21:37

@Diverseduvet

Let it stay in your safe keeping, ready to 'lend' it to each female family member as they get married. When you get older pass it to the oldest female off spring so they can look after it. It may not actually be worth as much as your brother thinks!
This
Calmandmeasured1 · 04/01/2021 21:37

I would keep it. Your mum gave it to you. It now belongs to you. She has told you she wants you to keep it. One day you will look at it and think very fondly of your mum wanting you to have it. Ignore your older brother.

Your mum needs to tell your SIL that she no longer has it and has already given it to you as her only daughter.

RumJerrySailorRum · 04/01/2021 21:37

I hope your parents have put your dead brothers share into trust for his children.
If she's asking about an heirloom., I wouldn't trust her to not spend the money before they need it themselves.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 04/01/2021 21:37

Good grief, what vultures.

Your poor Mum.

The point of an heirloom is that it does not get sold but continues to be passed down.

Your SIL could be assured that her dd could wear it, should she so wish, at her wedding, but your Mum has given it to you - and your brother needs to wind his neck in.

How does he have the brass neck?

It might be interesting to get it valued as often jewellery is not as expensive as everyone thinks.

Do your parents have contact with their grandchildren - or is it just their money and rocks that the SIL is interested in?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/01/2021 21:37

Your SIL is massively out of order and I wonder if your parents are letting her push them around because they think they'll see the children?

But either way, writing to people and asking them about their wills is cheeky fuckery of the highest order. Vile.

The heirloom is yours, your mother gave it to you - it's not even part of the will, it's a gift freely given. It's yours.

Although I would potentially ask them about including it in their will because it feels like it's something that would be contested after they do die.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 04/01/2021 21:38

It's yours. Full stop. I would get it properly valued and insured. Friend of mine had some valuable jewellery left by her mum. It had gone down the female side for 4 generations. She has had it valued and insured on the basis that if it got stolen/went up in a fire she would never replace. In those circs she would share the layout with her sibling and cousin.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/01/2021 21:39

@RumJerrySailorRum

I hope your parents have put your dead brothers share into trust for his children. If she's asking about an heirloom., I wouldn't trust her to not spend the money before they need it themselves.
And yes - this! It's money for her children, not for her.
ktp100 · 04/01/2021 21:40

Do what your Mother wanted, it was HERS, she gets to decide who has it when she dies, not grabby relatives.

Gazelda · 04/01/2021 21:40

Are your SIL and DB eyeing up anything else if your DM's? I'd be incredibly hurt if I were her, while at the same time glad that I'd gifted it to the only offspring Who seems to value sentiment and family ties.

Viviennemary · 04/01/2021 21:40

Youve got it so hang on to it. And dont lend it out. You wont get it back.

AdaColeman · 04/01/2021 21:42

If it's a tiara, then passing it on from daughter to daughter is the right thing to do.

Your brother, who wants it sold, is being ridiculous, grasping and short sighted. It is an irreplaceable piece of your family history, and as such no mere monetary value can be placed on it.
Your SIL is wrong in expecting it to be passed to her daughter, though that might be the case were you to have no daughters.

Don't be bullied into selling it or compensating your brother. Instead ask yourself if he had been given a historical ceremonial family sword would he be rushing to sell it to give you a share of the proceeds. I very much doubt it!

You are the guardian of this beautiful thing for future female generations of of your family, don't betray them!

ithinkyouareveryrude · 04/01/2021 21:42

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

She is obviously very stung and trying to preserve her children's best interests.

She may however be looking to feather her own nest so make sure there is an age restriction on the children and she cannot take their inheritance before they become of age.

I would reply very frankly and state your Mother has given it to you, you intend to hold onto it and will not be giving it to DN as your own daughter has expressed interest in it and your brother also therefore, as she's sure you can understand it is unfair and you are subsequently looking into selling it.

ithinkyouareveryrude · 04/01/2021 21:43

Then I would look at giving your brother some money and your niece some money and keeping it in your line - that is after all what your Mum wanted.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 04/01/2021 21:43

We have a family heirloom - my GM always said it should go to my sister as she shared a name (by co-incidence, not design) as the great great aunt who left it to my GM.

I am fine with this - we can't both own it, my sister won't flog it and spend the £££££ on a car, someone was going to get it, I am happy for her. And sparkly rocks aren't my thing

Lookslikerainted · 04/01/2021 21:44

It’s yours to keep. Why would he want it to be sold? Very grabby to want to sell something of great family value. Very cold hearted.