Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

[TerracottaDream]

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

Keep it. That’s what your mother wants.

Keep it. Your mother gave it to you and it is now yours to do with as you please. You have no obligation to sell it for cash and share the cash with other relatives. If you are going to be guided by someone else, be guided by your mother, who gifted it to you.

I'm a bit surprised these kinds of conversations are happening so frequently. Is your mother terminally ill? I can't imagine a family all arguing over things like this whilst the person is question is actually alive and well. It's depressing.

Your brother can be as resentful as he likes. But it is yours. Keep it. My sister got the biggest ring, I am not bitter! Honest! Enjoy your inheritance.

Hmmm. This sounds a bit like my grandmothers will. She left the house to be sold and the money divided between my two aunts (my mother was cut out of the will for reasons I wont go into). I was the favorite grandchild and she left the entire contents of her house and her jewellery to me. (She left a sum in cash to her other grandchildren) . Most of the furniture could not be kept as it was too big for my small flat at the time although I kept a few pieces to remember her by. The rest was sold at auction. When the aunts found out how much I had got for it all (I never told them exactly but it was substantial) they went mental and demanded I shared equally with the other grandchildren. I refused absolutely as my grandmother knew what she was doing when she made her will and her wishes were to be respected. It caused a lot of angst in the family which continues to this day.

If the heirloom was left to your mother to pass to you then I would continue the tradition and pass it to your own daughter if/when you have one.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

It's easy to see why your mum gave it to you.

You will be it's keeper, make sure the tradition is kept up.

Your DB would sell it, traduce the family tradition.

Think of yourself as the keeper of the family flame! Raise your DDs to be the next Keepers.

I totally agree with this. Sadly I would not be lending it to your nieces, the children of either brother. I would fear your ex Sil would take and sell it, as would your brother.

On the face of it, you inherited more in monetary terms. But in reality all you inherited was something you have been charged to keep, pay to insure and pass down to the next generation. So in a way, the value is immaterial.

The suggestions to sell or to give to your niece when you are the daughter and next female in line are absurd and should be treated as such.

It is a family object and it will go to the oldest female in the line. This may well be your niece... but it may be someone else for all sorts of reasons. Perhaps they’d like to chip in to insure the darn thing instead. No? Didn’t think so. Vultures.

Oh sorry I see you have a dd. I didn’t want to lose the comment I quoted. Of course. The object should go to your dd.

@Bunchup

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.

Thank you so much for the laugh. I needed it today!

I would keep it and loan it out for weddings as so many others have suggested. Not everything should be about money.

It is yours and you should keep it.

It was a gift to you from your Mum. Keep it, if you don't have a dd to leave it too one day you may have a dgd. As gesture of goodwill you could offer any of your nieces or nephews brides to borrow it as her something borrowed.

Good grief. Keep it in the family. It's part of your family's history. It would be such a shame for such a lovely tradition to come to an end because of other people's greed.

It belonged to your mum.
Her considered decision was to give it to you.
You must honour that decision of hers and safe guard the heirloom.
If I were you, I would continue the lovely tradition already in place and ignore those who prefer the cash in hand. It isn’t their right or responsibility to say what happens to it. It is your responsibility to do your very best to fulfil your mum’s wishes.
Sad that in this day and age, others would reduce family tradition to cash.
I think you have to be strong and confident in your responsibility to resist them.

It was given to you, its yours. If you decide to sell and split, fine. But do not feel pressured. Also what the actual fuck at this..

She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share?!

What a grabby person. I cannot imagine asking anyone 'assuraces' about their will, not even my own parents, let alone PIL.

Keep the gift your mother gave you, it's yours. Make sure it is insured and specifically mentioned in your will that it is going to your DD.

Your brother can suck it up, it's not like you're making money off it, and if you were, so what? Again, it's yours. Anyway men have benefitted so much from inheritance rules that I think he can put up with you getting a women's bridal accessory. Which, as your mother is alive, you didn't even inherit, you were given.

Your sister-in-law has no right to it and nor does her child. It's yours.

Keep it and loan it out at your discretion. But I would always want some written confirmation (text/email) with "Dear XX, you can collect Y on Tuesday and return it on Thursday." and a reply confirming that they understand and agree.

It is 100% your property. It was gifted to you by your mother, just like she has gifted you with shoes, purses, sweaters, etc. Gifts are not to be sold and divided amongst anyone.

Do not let anyone else wear it either. Keep it for YOUR daughter to wear. Otherwise you will never see it again. These people around you are not to be trusted because they re selfish and greedy. Your brother has a lot of nerve being miffed. No woman ever gets upset when the boys get grandfather's pocketwatch! What is wrong with him?

Start telling everyone No. If they ask you on the phone hang up on them. if they ask you on Facetime, click off. I also suggest you put it in a safe or safety deposit box because they sound like the type who would visit your home and it would mysteriously disappear. Lock it up somewhere with your other important documents and possessions.

I guess this type of thing is subjective, however, if you think of it step wise then your mums step is to leave it to her daughter, you, then your step is to leave it to whom ever you feel should get it, in this case your daughter

Yea, perhaps your bei gets daughter is the family eldest girl, but it's yours now to gift.

I have my grandmothers diamond ring, a well as my mother's. They will go to my daughter, even though there are other girls in the family who are older than my DD - but it's gone down my 'line' so that's where it'll remain

Does your dad have anything to leave, eg medals? My grandad left medals to his boys, amd the ring to my mum, plus the other ring to her sister ... so everyone got 'something' of value

The value is only relevant if someone is selling it. Which you’re not, so don’t worry about it. Keep it, display it, enjoy it. Find a solicitor to draw a contract up when thinking about lending it out now you know how everybody feels about it. MIL has rings for my SIL but DH and BILs get nothing extra because they’re boys. Neither are bothered because that’s MIL’s wish. This sort of thing breaks down families. It’s silly and petty. And your brother demanding it be sold while your mother is still very much here is just downright crass.

You should keep it and they should all respect that it is yours. If it was something that could be divided that is different, but it is one object. I think you should keep lending it to other people in the family though, that's a nice tradition.

My grandmother had about 12 diamond rings. She made no mention of them in her Will. Her daughters (my aunts) collected them from the house and shared them between themselves without asking anyone. My father and uncle (the two sons in the family) were left out, I suppose because my aunts thought the jewels should go to the daughters.

My sister and I decided to respect that and not make a fuss, but I admit I do find it annoying when I see my grandmothers rings on my cousins' fingers. It's not the monetary value, I would never have sold one nor cared if I received a tiny diamond or a large one, but the sentimental value. I think if they were to end up with my grandmother's granddaughters (my aunts are alive and well, they chose to distribute them among their own daughters) then I am sure my grandmother would have expected them to be shared equally between us, regardless of whether we were a child of a son or her daughter.

But I think we have a choice in these matters whether to get offended and dig in, risking a family dispute. Or just cop it on the chin and move on. I am sure the last thing my grandmother would have wanted was a family rift. I imagine your ancestors would feel the same.

Anyway, a very long winded way to say- remember what's really important and be as gracious as possible.

I'd keep it. If it was my heirloom I'd want it going to my only daughter not skipping a generation or being sold.

If I had enough inheritance I'd try and balance out the effect of leaving this to my daughter but leaving more of something else to my sons.

I don't have any heirloom jewellery but I'm planning to share what I have between my daughter, granddaughter and DILs. Sons etc will either get something from their Dad or grandads.

If already given to you, it is yours now. Belings to no one else. Once given, no take backs.

Another vote for you keeping it and telling the vultures to get lost. Your mother gave it to you. You keep it and pass it down to your oldest daughter to remain in the family if that’s what you want. Maybe say to your mother that you’re putting it in your will so can you have it in writing from her that it is now legally your property so that sadly if anything should happen to your mother no one else can contest ownership. Good luck!

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

To be a bit fair to this SIL - she was left high and dry by the OP's brother, first because he left her for another woman who he married, and secondly, tragically, because he died, and so to be blunt, is unable to provide child maintenance. She may well have been left with no inheritance from him for her children.

But her attitude to the OPs parent's assets is ...regrettable.

This. She may well believe she is entitled to some form of compensation for the way the OP treated her, but that is nothing to do with his parents. They have ensured her children are included in their will but she can’t expect any more than that.

*OP’s brother, not OP.

Definately keep it. My grandmother passed all her own jewellery to her oldest daughter and now my cousins have it even though I am the oldest grandchild. The item is passed from oldest daughter to oldest daughter and is not skipping generations.

You keep it, you insure it & you have proof drawn up that it's yours incase any future family bride tries keeping it.

I have a valuable brooch that my maternal grandmother gave directly to me, much to the displeasure of my mum & siblings. Gran gave it to me because she knew I always loved it & loved hearing the stories she told me about it. There was no sentimentality in my mum, my siblings are the same & the brooch would have been nothing but a bit of jewellery that could be sold or melted down to them. I, on the other hand, get very sentimental over objects & gran knew this. Older relatives choose who to give their possessions to for a reason. Respect your mum's choice. She gifted it to you & it's nothing to do with your brother or ex SIL. Do right by your mum, she's trusted you.

I'd keep it, your mum wants you to have it as her daughter, your niece isn't in line to inherit. Your sil is a CF

We have a diamond ring that's passed down dh male side of the family which will go to ds eventually. Another female member of the family tried to get that ring off mil before passing it to dh after fil passed to give to her son but mil stood her ground and refused as that's not what fil wanted.