Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

[TerracottaDream]

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

If you don’t want the heirloom to leave the family you could look to see if it can be held in trust, with the condition that it’s available for female members of the family to use at their weddings if they want to. Ask a lawyer who specialises in inheritance matters.

The financial value of the item is almost irrelevant, because you are treating it as something to be held in trust, not something that can ever be sold. If they try to make a fuss about it, ask if they want to go splits on a lawyer to put this on a legal footing. But you absolutely should not be, say, £50k worse off from the estate because you have the responsibility to protect the item. If anything you’re probably spending money on insurance and storage. If it is highly valuable though you should speak to a good bank or lawyer about secure storage. And I think it would be great to have it used for as many family occasions as possible, with appropriate insurance. Which the others are welcome to split the cost of, if they wish.

Keep the tiara. Don't lend it your niece or SIL for any occasion because you probably won't see it again.

@AlternativePerspective

You need to keep hold of it.

You certainly don’t need to have it valued. It was given to you by your mum and is no longer a part of her estate.

Despite which she’s not even dead yet and the vultures are circling. Hideous.

Well, it might need insuring. Especially if the OP continues to loan it to family.

It is yours. Your brother is grabby and both your SIL are very grabby.

Brother doesnt get to decide who your mother gives her things too.
Tell him if you sell it you will give him half but otherwise the heirloom (tiara?) Will be available to his DC should they wish to get married and want to borrow it.

And wtf is wrong with that woman, looses contact with ex PIL even though they are her children's family but writes to tell them how to split their estate and request a family treasure thinking eldest granddaughter is more Important then daughter.

That is so wrong and horrendously rude.

Your poor parents.

It isn't your mothers

It isn't yours

You are custodians of the item passes down the female line

As your daughter will be

Your mum gave it to you as her only DD. It's yours. You may wish to give it to your DD or DGG.
It should stay in the female line.

Think about it the other way, if your Dad had a watch or something and it went to your DB, you'd have no claim on it logically it would pass to his DS or DGS.

Your mum and give it to whom ever she wants. The grabby others can get stuffed

This is just so incredibly crass..

Not you, or your post OP, the ex sister in laws letter, your parents are still alive it’s utterly bizarre, your brothers comments about a family air-loom.

Why are people so gross?

You keep it your mum gave it to you.

I’ve never considered my IL’s family jewellery to be something me or my DC are entitled to. Actually don’t consider anything of theirs as something that’s up for grabs. Nor anything of my own parents. God who wants to plan their lives around the possible wealth they might get on the demise of their loved ones?

People can give gifts to whomsoever they choose.

Also a family heirloom is not actually a realisable asset, it’s not the same as a wedge of cash. If it’s also worth a bit you’ll be paying out in insurance for it as well.

Your SIL may still be hurting by your brother having left her and the dc for OW or she might just want the heirloom for its value.

I can't believe your ex sister in law is trying to dictate the terms of your mum's will!

@oakleaffy

Your ex Sister in Law is hassling your parents about their Will??

What utter greed.

She isn't even a member of the family, and bleating for inclusion?

Sheesh.

Child maintenance! Cold as it sounds, he died and can no longer provide for his kids!

Keep it for your daughter or granddaughter, with no feelings of guilt, and insure it.

Thank you everybody. I am definitely keeping it and I do have a daughter myself.
In all honesty my (ex) sister-in-law was always ok. I think seeing us used to trigger stuff for her. I think she was looking out for her kids when she wrote to my parents.
My brother has never bullied me and if sister-in-law hadn’t written that letter the subject would never have come up.
Again many thanks.

I wonder if she really wants the money for herself and thinks of the inheritance as hers as she expected to receive it before your brother left her. I hope your parents have written it in trust so that someone other than this woman controls the funds.

I'm not saying that the SIL is necessarily covering herself in glory here, but she isn't just some guardian of the money of some randomly-assigned children - she is their mother, and their only remaining parent.

Some of the opinions on here are verging on the same ones you hear from NRPs when they bitterly resent 'paying their ex's mortgage and bills when the money is for the kids, not her'. Usually when she can't afford to pay for all of 'her' bills on her own because she's doing/paying for the childcare of his children and providing a home for them. True, a council tax bill or boiler repair aren't nearly as exciting for a child as a big box of Lego or a go-kart, but they're just as essential (well, more so, really) in providing for a child and looking after their welfare.

It's been passed to you. It's yours. If you really feel strongly about it being an heirloom, it goes to your daughter. If you don't have a daughter, then eldest niece. Nothing regarding your families finances are anything to do with her. If your parents choose to keep her children as inheritors- their choice. I get she's upset- her husband betrayed her, and then died- big amount of unresolved issues surrounding that, I have absolutely no doubt. She can't go NC unless it's about money. That's juts crass.

I'd also, sadly, be careful regarding lending it- it sounds like some family members are jealous that this has been passed to you, and getting it back may be an issue- sounds like it from one of the SIL's at least.

In theory, heirlooms are a wonderful, delightful idea; but in practice, they are so very often a source of argument and fighting between siblings. A bit like a smaller-scale version of the feudal system where the eldest son would automatically inherit the entire family stately home or farm, because it's not possible to divide it whilst keeping it in the family and intact as a single entity.

Sadly, it's nigh on impossible to maintain one single significant possession (whether of high market value or only sentimental) within an extended family without it causing upset or ill-feeling to somebody. You think you're handing down a beloved treasure that represents the love and closeness of the family, but you're very often you're actually passing on a source of ready-made, long-lasting resentment.

@Bunchup

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.

Unless the heirloom is exceptionally valuable, I would not consider it part of a financial inheritance. It should simply pass down each generation to someone who can be trusted to care for it, often the eldest daughter, and lent out appropriately.

You must keep it, it was given to You. There are often issues of this sort regarding heirlooms etc in familes. its very common, but I wouldn't let anyone try and sway you into doing what they all think you should do.

How petty is your other brother to be "resentful" of this heirloom? I mean, what?
Never ever EVER lend your niece this heirloom. EVER.

@Soundbyte

Keep it. It was a family heirloom passed to you from your mother, nothing to do with anyone else.

This. You don't owe anyone a share nor an explanation.

It would be foolish of you to lend this precious item to your Niece. I doubt you would see it again .

I find discussion of wills like this very uncomfortable. People bickering over someone’s will when the person hasn’t even passed away! It seems bad juju

Keep it. It is your mum's to give an she has given it to you.