Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

[TerracottaDream]

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

To be a bit fair to this SIL - she was left high and dry by the OP's brother, first because he left her for another woman who he married, and secondly, tragically, because he died, and so to be blunt, is unable to provide child maintenance. She may well have been left with no inheritance from him for her children.

But her attitude to the OPs parent's assets is ...regrettable.

wow i am so glad you have said you'll keep it. What a bunch of grabby bastards.
It also has nothing to do with your ex-SIL. And the inheritance needs to go into trust, She sounds awful.

It’s yours. As you will never sell it I think grabby brother can go jump. Tell him you’re doing your bit for all those women left penniless when their brother inherited the entire estate because he was male. Oh, and wear it for every FaceTime
Do get it valued and insured though. Sil is also being ridiculous to think the tiara having been given to the only daughter is immediately owed to her child, she just needs a reply that op owns it now, her will is her business.

Your ex Sister in Law is hassling your parents about their Will??

What utter greed.

She isn't even a member of the family, and bleating for inclusion?

Sheesh.

I don't understand SIL !? Ex SIL?

They were divorced at the time of his death? As he married OW?

Therefore what his/your parents do is none of her business, she is not family

However her children are - and if your parents decide to leave them money in their will then that's lovely. But absolutely nothing to do with ex SIL

Also as other posters have said don't be bullied by your brother - it sounds as if he's trying to make you feel guilty to get money from you!

And guilty for what!? Accepting a heirloom that has been passed down generations of females in your family. Purrrleaseeee he needs to shove his nose out!

Keep it! Enjoy it! Wear it with Pyjamas if you wish.

I'd personally get it insured and valued too.

As PP have said, you keep it, it was a gift from your mum. Don’t let your brother guilt trip you.

SIL is being an extremely grabby cow.

@Aquamarine1029

I would think very long and hard before lending this item out again, especially given the disagreement on who should have it. You may very well never see it again.

This. What a bunch of greedy vultures you’re surrounded by, OP. Your former sil takes the biscuit. Keep it for your daughter, it’s definitely owned by the right person.

Just write to SIL a nice family letter, update of news, ask after her and the children,.

Then just a brief para about the heirloom. " Mum told me you'd asked about the Wotsit. She has already given it to me, as her eldest daughter. I'd love to lend it to any grand daughters / younger girls in the family to wear at their weddings, and of course this includes the daughter of my brother and yourself. We'll keep in touch so just let me know when she falls in love."

More chit chat/family gossip

With love , we often think of you , etecetc

She needs to be reminded that she was the EX when your brother died and therefore should jog on.

@BluebellCockleshell123

I think the heirloom should be valued as part of the estate and deducted from the third of the share of whoever gets it. So if the entire estate is valued at 300k and the heirloom is worth 1k and you inherit it, then you get 99k + heirloom & the other 2 shares are 100.5k each.

That’s just as unfair. She’d get less than her brothers.

How lovely to have an heirloom passed down the female line! My family pass early menopause and rheumatoid arthritis down the female line instead, while my DM got no financial inheritance as it all went to her younger DB (now bankrupt)! Definitely keep up this tradition and don’t be forced into sharing with your brother or passing to your DN rather than DD.

Insure it ASAP.

It's already been given to you so there's no need for any of them to discuss it any further. It's yours and you have -rightfully- chosen to keep it.

Oh please don't give it to your SIL. She has no emotional attachment to it and there's nothing to stop her selling it. Your mother gave it to you, it's YOUR family heirloom and you choose what to do with it. You should pass it on to your children or grandchildren. It's not your SILs business xx

I'd get it valued and if you can afford to pay them each a 1/3rd I'd do it for any easy life. If you can't afford to then just keep quite about how much it's really worth!

Your mum needs to tell SIL that it will not be part of her estate, as she no longer owns it.

As far as your brother is concerned, you can always tell him you'll give him half the value of the item when you each receive your share of your mum's estate.

I can't blame the ex-SIL for wanting to ensure her children receive their late father's share of his parents' will. It would be morally wrong for the grandparents to exclude them.
Possibly rude for her to be out of touch and then broach this subject first time she's contacted them in years.
The family heirloom that has been gifted to you is no one else's business, definitely nothing to do with your brothers or ex-SIL. I'd be wary of loaning it out to your family brides going forward, in case it doesn't get returned.

I have something similar heirloom (but not the same circumstances) but as the eldest daughter I was given it. I have asked my siblings that I’d be happy to sale it and split the money but they’ve asked it stays with me. But as needed will be loaned out to the grandchildren if they wanted to use it for weddings.
I dislike being responsible for it and happy to sale it as I don’t want it to cause future issues!

@Premiumbond

I can't blame the ex-SIL for wanting to ensure her children receive their late father's share of his parents' will. It would be morally wrong for the grandparents to exclude them. Possibly rude for her to be out of touch and then broach this subject first time she's contacted them in years. The family heirloom that has been gifted to you is no one else's business, definitely nothing to do with your brothers or ex-SIL. I'd be wary of loaning it out to your family brides going forward, in case it doesn't get returned.

Maybe ex SIL is worried your late brother’s kids will miss out on his share of the inheritance and it will go to his new wife (OW)

But heirloom is definitely your mums to bequeath and no one else’s business

Your mother has given it to you to look after, and you are now custodian of a family heirloom that will be passed on from you to the next generation - possibly your own eldest daughter if you have one.

If you haven't made a will, I would do so now.

If it's valuable, I agree with taking it out the estate but my parents are of the opinion that everything should be split fairly between my brother and I so if they were to pass me something similar, they'd gift him an equivalent amount of money (or make provision for it in the will; they'd likely do the former if they could afford it to stop probate becoming messy). We have a slightly similar position at the moment with something that my DH was given by his (now late) grandfather and the family are in the process of getting it valued so they can work out how/if it should form part of the estate and how it should be equalled up with the other grandchildren/DH's step-grandmother.

@BluebellCockleshell123

I think the heirloom should be valued as part of the estate and deducted from the third of the share of whoever gets it. So if the entire estate is valued at 300k and the heirloom is worth 1k and you inherit it, then you get 99k + heirloom & the other 2 shares are 100.5k each.

Whose estate?

The thing belonged to the OP's mother who is very much alive and well. You can't divvy up the estate of someone who hasn't died.

It's easy to see why your mum gave it to you.

You will be it's keeper, make sure the tradition is kept up.

Your DB would sell it, traduce the family tradition.

Think of yourself as the keeper of the family flame! Raise your DDs to be the next Keepers.

Good point.

It's no longer in the OP's mum's estate as it's already been gifted, and the mum is alive. It's now a part of the OP's estate and she has no obligation to give it to the ex SIL, or anyone apart from whom she chooses.