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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

210 replies

TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:05

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

OP posts:
IsabellaMozzarella · 05/01/2021 11:25

Keep it keep it keep it. It's an heirloom and presumably irreplaceable. My sister inherited a ring from my grandma and it got stolen. She got money from the insurance and got a new ring but it's not the same. It has never crossed my mind about the money side of things. Your brother is being tight with money and missing the point of an heirloom.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/01/2021 11:44

They all sound like cunts. Keep the heirloom. Your mum gave it you.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 05/01/2021 11:46

I inherited my mother's jewellery and it did irritate my brother; he does not however share the horrible insurance burden for lovely shiny things which are completely unwearable and unsaleable but which I am morally obliged to hold onto for my kids

pelosi · 05/01/2021 11:48

@GarlicMonkey

You keep it, you insure it & you have proof drawn up that it's yours incase any future family bride tries keeping it.

Good point about insurance, I doubt any of these people borrowing it are offering to pay towards the insurance.

pelosi · 05/01/2021 11:50

@MatildaonaWaltzer

I inherited my mother's jewellery and it did irritate my brother; he does not however share the horrible insurance burden for lovely shiny things which are completely unwearable and unsaleable but which I am morally obliged to hold onto for my kids
Have you thought about a deposit box? I keep all my jewellery in a safety deposit box, costs £95 a year for a small box and contents are insured up to the value of £10k for free whilst in the box.
Bikingbear · 05/01/2021 12:01

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd keep it. If it was my heirloom I'd want it going to my only daughter not skipping a generation or being sold.

If I had enough inheritance I'd try and balance out the effect of leaving this to my daughter but leaving more of something else to my sons.

I don't have any heirloom jewellery but I'm planning to share what I have between my daughter, granddaughter and DILs. Sons etc will either get something from their Dad or grandads.

That's it exactly it's a female item it should stay in the female line, only skipping a generation if there's no daughter's but DGDs.

Its cufflinks in my family that cause grief. They belonged to my DGF, then went to DDad, DAunt got her mums jewellery.
DDad only had DDs, DAunt, kept making claim they should go her son, as only GS. My Dad wasn't long dead and she was still making her claim.

No mention of parting with the jewellery for the other GDs.
However the cufflinks skipped the generation and are now with Dads eldest GS.

billy1966 · 05/01/2021 12:33

As above, you have been gifted this item, a continuation of an existing tradition.

Do not entertain ANY discussion, it has been gifted to you.

I would suggest you take the time to photograph it AND any markings re its maker etc.

I would ask your parents to sign a little note confirming and dating the gift to you.

Include it on your house insurance.

Secondly I would be very careful about loaning it out in the family.

I don't believer your SIL has ANY sentimental attachment to it.

She purely sees its monetary value.

Anothermother3 · 05/01/2021 12:53

Be careful about lending it without a written agreement and proof of ownership as her mother may fill her head with lies about who it should belong to. Also suggest your parents leave the inheritance in trust until the children are older. Additionally would your DB have wanted any of his inheritance to go to his widow ? I’m sorry for your loss.

MatildaonaWaltzer · 05/01/2021 13:15

@pelosi - yes, I have, but you still have to declare it to the household insurance insurer for some reason, & they cost hundreds / year too so wasn't any benefit. I do realise that this is v much a first world problem!

TigerDrawers · 05/01/2021 13:57

Your DB wants to sell it and split the proceeds?! Wow - that's someone that doesn't understand sentimentality right there.

At the very most I would have it valued (selling value, not replacement) and adjust the rest of the estate so that it's taken in to account (i.e. £2,000 heirloom + £200,000 estate = £2,000 heirloom and £99,000 cash is the same as £101,000 cash for the other party). No one comes out better off and the precious family heirloom doesn't have to leave the family.

As I say, that's at the very most. Ultimately the decision is with your DM and if she's gifted it to you, then the rest of her estate is to do with as she wishes.

(Do get it valued though, purely for your own home insurance purposes!)

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 05/01/2021 15:06

Give your dm a fiver for it. Get her to write out cheques splitting it for the grabby fuckers..

Lizadork · 05/01/2021 15:17

I equally would stop loaning it out.

FuckTheLemons · 05/01/2021 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

BlueThistles · 05/01/2021 15:35

@Lizadork

I equally would stop loaning it out.
I would as well tbh... particularly as people are now trying to claim it... Flowers
Ninkanink · 05/01/2021 15:39

Nasty, grabby vultures.

Definitely keep it!

okokok000 · 05/01/2021 15:47

@Anothermother3

Be careful about lending it without a written agreement and proof of ownership as her mother may fill her head with lies about who it should belong to. Also suggest your parents leave the inheritance in trust until the children are older. Additionally would your DB have wanted any of his inheritance to go to his widow ? I’m sorry for your loss.
Absolutely this or you will run the risk of losing it in the future.
movingonup20 · 05/01/2021 15:56

I would suggest finding out it's worth, you need this for insurance anyway. Assuming it's not worth as much as they think (say under £2k), say you are custodian but can be used by any family member for weddings. End conversation. If it turns out to be worth £100k well the situation is rather different, in between well you might need to consider it as part of your share of your parents estate

Sassysally12 · 05/01/2021 16:01

Tell him to piss off. If it is a daily heirloom he is saying a lot about himself by wanting it sold it to be honest. And as for ex sister in law, unfortunately she has to accept she wasn’t married to your brother anymore. He had a different wife, so her say on what happens to your family heirlooms is none of her business. Her children get his share of the inheritance, which she should be grateful for. Honestly it sickens me how grabby people get with money. Your mum gave it to you, keep it.

Sassysally12 · 05/01/2021 16:02

Family** not daily

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2021 16:07

if your brother had received it would he have sold it and distributed the money equally amongst siblings?

although its not really relevant as it's not something you would sell anyway.

katy1213 · 05/01/2021 16:11

I can't imagine being so shamelessly grabby that I'd be quizzing my EX-mother-in-law about her will. Whatever the backstory, at the time of his death your brother was married to someone else - and possibly with good reason!

Bikingbear · 05/01/2021 16:32

Just a thought, the poor brother who passed away.
If the mother didn't write a will where would his share go, would it go to then 2nd wife or would it go to his children?

Northernparent68 · 05/01/2021 18:02

Remind your brother and the sister in law who did nt want to give it back that your parents are alive. It’s their money and possessions

Liverbird77 · 06/01/2021 07:32

I have two children (still babies really). We recently did our wills.
Our son gets my husband's wedding ring, watch and my grandad's wedding ring.
Our daughter gets my wedding and engagement ring, and all other female jewellery that I've inherited or will inherit.
Obviously her share has more monetary value, however the expectation is that the rings will be kept and passed down. It's not about money.
Both will inherit a 50% share of money and house etc.
Some people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Keep the heirloom, op.
So, this must be distressing for your mum. Your sil needs to be told to back off!

AlwaysLatte · 06/01/2021 07:43

How awful for them to be squabbling over it. Your mother's wishes are the only ones that count - it's yours.