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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

210 replies

TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:05

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

OP posts:
Silvetmoon · 04/01/2021 21:22

Keep it OP. Please. You’ll regret it otherwise.

Turin · 04/01/2021 21:23

I’m with @bunchup Grin

Silvetmoon · 04/01/2021 21:23

Oh and I agree with the other posters - I wouldn’t lend it out either.

BloggersBlog · 04/01/2021 21:23

😂 @bunchup 🤣

Your family sound very grabby!!! Your mum gave you a gift, it's no one else's business what she has done with it

Martinisarebetterdirty · 04/01/2021 21:24

Keep it - it was given to you and is nothing to do with your sister in law. Agree I’d be careful about lending it out too.

Darbs76 · 04/01/2021 21:24

Very selfish of them both, it’s been given to you. Sounds like something my brother would say. I’d let them both know it’s been gifted to you and you will gift it to who you want in the future. Why should the daughter in law expect for it to bypass you and straight to her daughter? I don’t think it works like that, and I’d tell her so

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 04/01/2021 21:25

Keep it safe op.
Find some old buttons in a junk shop. Get your dm to declare them male family heirlooms. See if she fights for those... She sounds grabby..

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 04/01/2021 21:26

It’s nothing to do with your sil. Your mum gave it to you, in the way your father might have given a pocket watch to his son etc.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 04/01/2021 21:26

@Bunchup

Is it a tiara? Keep it, and wear it every time you Facetime your brother.
Absolutely do this Grin

Seriously though OP, it’s your mother’s item, she wants you to have it and it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. Out of interest though, if the boot was on the other foot, would your brother be happy to sell the item and share the money? I’d ignore the ex SIL completely regarding inheritance. None of her business while your parents are still alive at least.

Ideasplease322 · 04/01/2021 21:26

Keep it. You can lend it to your niece if she gets married.

C0NNIE · 04/01/2021 21:27

Your mother should tell SIL that the heirloom will not form part of her estate.

And that’s end of it. She should say nothing more. Your mother doesn’t have to explain to her former DIL what she does with her own property.

IMO your ex SIL is a CF but I understand your parents want to keep in with her to see their GC.

Your brother is also a CF to tell you that you need to sell one of your possessions and give him some money. It’s no ones business except yours and your mothers. And the inland revenue’s if you mother dies within 7 years of giving you it and it’s very valuable.

I do hope your parents have received good legal advice and will be leaving the money to their GC in trust until they are 25. I’d not be giving it direct to ex SIL.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 21:27

Call me a suspicious old cow, I don't care because I would agree, but I highly doubt your SIL wants this heirloom for sentimental reasons, even if she is saying it's for her daughter. Something that belongs to the mother of the man who cheated on her and left for the other woman. Yeah, right. She wants to get her hot little hands on it so she can sell it.

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2021 21:27

Your mum’s decision stands. The others wanting to sell it or have it themselves can jack off. If someone tried to take my mum’s rings after her death I’d go ballistic. She wants me to have them.

RolandSchitt · 04/01/2021 21:27

It currently belongs to your mother and she's chosen who she wants to give it to. It's feck all to do with anyone else. This seems like the a sensible choice, as you obviously cherish it, and want to keep it.

Chloemol · 04/01/2021 21:27

It’s your mums, she can give it to whoever she wished, and she has given it to you

Done deal

WeeWelshWoman · 04/01/2021 21:27

If your mum has given it to you, it us yours. Keep it.

Original poster
TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:28

With my hand on my heart I have never considered how much it is worth. It now appears that my husband has however, as his own sister-in-law apparently commented on it after our wedding.
I couldn’t bear to part with it. I am keeping it. I have lent it to my mother’s great niece a couple of years ago and will lend it again, I trust my surviving brother but can imagine in years to come sister-in-law might cause a fuss.

OP posts:
ThatWindowNeedsAClean · 04/01/2021 21:29

It was your Mum's and she has given it to you, her daughter.

It is yours to lend if you wish (I would get it appraised and documented and ownership in writing just in case) but it is up to you who you give it to either before or after you die.

I think it is awful that your SIL has asked for this. I do understand her wanting her children to share in their grandparents' estate but the heirloom (I am also picturing a tiara) no freaking way.

And why oh why would you only wear it for weddings if it is indeed a tiara. I would be cracking that out every weekend just to wear round the house.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 21:30

You need to keep hold of it.

You certainly don’t need to have it valued. It was given to you by your mum and is no longer a part of her estate.

Despite which she’s not even dead yet and the vultures are circling. Hideous.

notinthiseconomy · 04/01/2021 21:30

What is it and how much is it worth?

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/01/2021 21:30

God almighty the family vultures strike again.

If she's already given it to you, keep it safe and don't let them get their hands on it or you might never see it again. Your mother has given it to YOU. Not them. My brother has taken all my mother's nice jewellery. She only died in September. Since he's gay, I'm not very sure what he wants or needs it for. But apparently HIS mother died, you wouldn't think he had a sibling to hear him go on..,

lilylongjohn · 04/01/2021 21:30

It's your Mums to do with as she wants, she wants to give it to you, and if story! Doesn't matter how much it's worth or what your sil or db thinks, it's up to your Mum.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 21:31

I would think very long and hard before lending this item out again, especially given the disagreement on who should have it. You may very well never see it again.

Cyberattack · 04/01/2021 21:31

Keep it - it's yours, but if and when niece gets married decide whether you would like to lend it to her for her wedding day in keeping with family tradition - but it must be returned to you.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 21:32

As for writing to your parents asking them about their estate, she is a vile human being and I would be inclined to state that any amount would be left to her children upon her death to make sure she didn’t get her grasping mits on any of it.