Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law and Heirloom

210 replies

TerracottaDream · 04/01/2021 21:05

Two and a half years ago my brother died. Completely shit and I received help posting on here. My feelings were and still are confused.
He married young and had kids similar ages to mine and other brother. I always got on with sister-in-law but she withdrew from us when he left her for OW and married her just weeks before he died. Sister-in-law did not want anything to do with us. Now this is going to be an essay!!!
Everyone dealt with the aftermath differently and my parents have now moved house to another country within UK.
They wrote to sister-in-law with change of address etc. and further overture to see her and niece and nephew.
She has now replied, essentially asking them about how their affairs stand. She wanted assurance that their estate will be split three ways with her children inheriting my brother’s share.... this is exactly how my parents have arranged things.
Now at last my AIBU! My family have an heirloom that can only really be worn at weddings. It has been in my family for generations and I wore it at my wedding as have cousins and other brother’s wife ( who resented giving it back) but not this SiL.
In her letter reference was made to this heirloom she wants it given to her daughter as the oldest female granddaughter. My mother gave it to me as her only daughter. My other brother who I have always got on with has now admitted he is resentful of the heirloom being considered a female preserve. He wants it sold and money split.... he hasn’t said between whom. He has said he will not hold it against me if my mother doesn’t want this.
Am I being unreasonable not to part with it? My mother wants me to keep it. What would you do?

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 04/01/2021 22:24

Keep the heirloom, especially as your mother wants you to keep it. It was given to you by your mother, nothing to do with anyone else. I can't believe how grabby people are (or I couldn't until recently, when I had to deal with a contested will!)

eclipse7 · 04/01/2021 22:26

Did it belong to your mother's parents or your fathers?

DeRigueurMortis · 04/01/2021 22:32

I don't agree the heirloom should be sold and money divided nor that the OP should have the share taken from her 1/3.

It's being "given" to her to protect and loan at appropriate times to future generations.

She's acting as the keeper of both the item and a family tradition.

It's not something she will gain financially from nor (if it is a tiara or very expensive diamond necklace) something she'll even gain much satisfaction from wearing herself.

Ultimately it's her mother's decision but if you want to avoid any fallout then I'd suggest your DM put a clause in her will stating it cannot be be sold (unless all siblings agree and the money would be split equally) and when passed to the next generation the same clause applies (though this might get a bit more complicated each generation but also a bit easier as it becomes less personal to second cousins and the like).

This way it makes clear you will not personally benefit from owning the piece, so there is nothing for your brothers to be upset about.

Barton10 · 04/01/2021 22:33

Keep it your Mother wants you to have it. How dare your SIL ask for it for her daughter.

Vinosaurus · 04/01/2021 22:34

Considering the archaic and misogynistic tradition of primogeniture I'd personally consider it my feminist duty to keep it in the female line.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/01/2021 22:35

I think she's well out of order - although I think the PP made a very good point about her children's father no longer being around to contribute financially.

However, I can see her desire to ensure that her children aren't overlooked financially. When there's a missing 'linking' generation, it's extremely easy for the generations after them to end up cut off.

My DM died at a similar time to my DGM (her DM), so my DA (her other DD) took on the task of sorting and distributing all of her material possessions. There was another brother - my DU - but he was never anything like as close to his DM. Therefore, it seemed only natural that she should have the pick of the items that had belonged to her DM - especially the specifically 'female' things (such as jewellery). However, this then meant that all of it was subsequently passed to her children. Why wouldn't it be, as it was their DM's stuff, inherited from her own DM. There was nothing of great value, but my DSis and I were basically excluded from getting any of our own DGM's things - just because our DM, the link, had already gone.

Of course, OP as the only DD should have an heirloom that is passed down the female line; but I don't see why after she has gone, it should automatically by rights go to her own DD (or DS's wife) in preference to her DN (ex SIL's DD), as the oldest female of the next generation.

Runnerduck34 · 04/01/2021 22:36

What bluebellcockleshell123 said.
If its worth a lot of money it could cause resentment so this would ( hopefully) stop it.

Other than that keep hold of it and offer to loan it to any future brides.

Your mum should explain to others her decision, as her daughter you come before any granddaughter.

What is it???

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2021 22:36

We have a similar heirloom, not a tiara but a valuable piece of jewelry. It was left to my mother (eldest surviving daughter) by my grandmother. My mother gave it to me some years ago with instructions to pass it to any daughter I have. I had 2 sons. As it stands IF I have a granddaughter who would cherish it, it will go to her. BUT if I feel it wouldn't be valued as part of our 'family story' then I'll happily give it to one of my nieces instead who I know will treasure it.

It's yours. Give it to whomsoever you choose.

DeRigueurMortis · 04/01/2021 22:37

Sorry - I mis-read. Your DM has already gifted it.

Well that's it then but you might want to consider telling your brother what I said above and that you will pass it down de family line with a clause it cannot be sold (unless agreed by xyz people - perhaps your children and cousins).

If it can't be sold then it doesn't actually have any value.....

AiryFairyMum · 04/01/2021 22:40

Do you have a daughter to leave it to OP?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/01/2021 22:43

@SpikySara

Keep it. You are the only daughter, it’s rightfully yours. Do you have any daughters? If so it should go to your eldest daughter, if not then you could leave it to the eldest granddaughter.
An item is only worth something when it is sold. If you sell it, then give your brother cash. But as long as you keep it in the family, then you get no cash, he gets no cash, SIL gets no cash. Nobody gets no cash! And tell your brother you will gladly loan it to him if he wants to wear it at his wedding. Say nothing to SIL, but you could loan it to her oldest daughter when she gets married. (If you trust her to give it back).
user1493494961 · 04/01/2021 22:44

It's yours now, don't give it away.

altiara · 04/01/2021 22:45

I would definitely keep it, your mother gave it to you. So it’s yours.

Hankunamatata · 04/01/2021 22:47

It's so sad that they want heirloom sold. Dh has similar in his family and it always resides with one of the aunties and is brought out and loaned to ladies when occasion requires.

RandomMess · 04/01/2021 22:50

TBH you are really just the custodian of it with the expectation that it stays in the family forever.

saraclara · 04/01/2021 22:51

An item is only worth something when it is sold. If you sell it, then give your brother cash. But as long as you keep it in the family, then you get no cash, he gets no cash, SIL gets no cash. Nobody gets no cash!

Good point. And one worth making to both DB and ex-SIL. The tiara is worthless as an heirloom while it's being looked after by you, its guardian. If brother gets money instead, he is in a better position than you, the holder of something that has no monetary value to you.

You could, however, enter into an agreement with them both, that should it ever be sold, the proceeds would be split between you, DB, and your late brother's children. You have no intention of selling it of course, but at least that should pacify them.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 04/01/2021 22:57

If you want to keep it, then keep it. Get it valued and give your brother his share of the amount if you think it will keep the peace.

Your SIL has no right to demand it. It is your mother's to give to who she wants.

okokok000 · 04/01/2021 23:06

It is crass and entitled behaviour in their part. Your mum has gifted it to you (her choice). End of discussion.

Beautiful3 · 04/01/2021 23:13

It's up to your mum and no one else! Dont question it, keep it and hand it down to your children. It's an heirloom that your mum wants you and only you, to keep.

HyacynthBucket · 04/01/2021 23:21

If your mother has given it to you, it is yours. It sounds likea gift that gets handed down from mother to daughter, so your brothers, let alone their wives, let alone their ex wives, shoud have nothing to do with it. If you have a daughter youcan give it or leave it to her, if not give it or leave it in your will to whomever you prefer. It really is nothing to do with anyone else.
A caution, though - during her lifetime my mother always told me that she wanted me, her only daughter to have some jewellry that had been her mother's, for it to go mother to daughter. Unfortunately after she died it "disappeared" - either a carer stole it or one of my brothers took it, no one has ever found out. So if it is yours already, keep it safe and pass it on eventually to whoever you want.

Lemonyfuckit · 04/01/2021 23:23

Definitely keep it OP and be very careful about who you lend it to given the rather grabby comments some family members seem to have made, in case you don't get it back. Your mum gave it to you as a gift, as her daughter. How very tacky for people to be talking about the cost / deducting it from the 'estate' when your parents are still alive.

I have a couple of pieces of jewellery that my grandmother gave my mum, and she gave me. I love them because they were passed down the family and wear them and they are hugely special to me. Being male my brother wouldn't wear them, however he has inherited some different things that were of value to him personally from for example my grandpa / my parents sometimes help him with money etc - the point is we're not all totting up the value and keeping score. Treating siblings fairly doesn't necessarily mean treating them exactly the same.

It does seem absolutely fair that your parents consider your DB's children in their will along with their other grandchildren (as you said they have every intention of doing, albeit of course it's entirely their decision) but the family heirloom your mum gave you is an entirely separate matter.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/01/2021 23:26

Agree that you should keep the heirloom and lend out as necessary. As for your DB's share going to his DC I can understand her wanting it but not requesting your DM to do it, CF. If I was your DM I'd reply, nothing to do with you.

Sorka · 04/01/2021 23:27

Wow your SIL is very grabby!

I can understand why she wants her kids to inherit but it’s rude to ask. I wonder if she really wants the money for herself and thinks of the inheritance as hers as she expected to receive it before your brother left her. I hope your parents have written it in trust so that someone other than this woman controls the funds. If not the kids will never see it.

Demanding the tiara is outrageous. Putting aside the greed, why would she think it would skip a generation when your mother has a daughter? Your mother has given it to you. It was her choice and your family tradition. Make sure the fact that she’s given it to you is documented (e.g a letter from your mother to you and including it on your home insurance if it’s valuable).

I would think very carefully before lending it to your niece as I doubt you’d see it again, especially if ex-SIL is there. Your niece may even be raised to think of it as hers so I’d think of her as a risk too.

I also don’t think it’s value should be taken out of your share of the estate. It’s to be passed down not sold, and it’s not like an asset you can’t sell is going to mean you can have a better lifestyle than your brother!

Phrowzunn · 04/01/2021 23:30

My mum has it written into her will that her jewellery will be left to my sister and I, separate to everything else. The estate will be split three ways between my brother, sister and I but my mum doesn’t want SIL to have claim to it. You could say my sister and I will be ‘better off’ than my brother but it’s not about the monetary worth as she knows we will wear her jewellery and not sell it to make extra cash.

Nordman · 04/01/2021 23:35

You can easily diffuse tension in this situation. You can assure your single/widowed sister in law that yes your niece will definitely be able to use the heirloom at her wedding or another appropriate occasion. You can reassure your brother that it's not solely for women, as you've said the item was used at his wedding, worn by his wife, and presumably if he has a son the same arrangement could take place then. Don't be pressured into selling something that's priceless to you, but do make it clear how much it means to you so that others have the opportunity to understand.