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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

211 replies

Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:06

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 03/01/2021 00:09

On the grounds that, after one incident, you are already holding yourself responsible for his moods and blaming yourself for not being able to make him happy - run - fast

XJerseyGirlX · 03/01/2021 00:11

4 months ... get rid op. It's a sign of things to come.

DartmoorChef · 03/01/2021 00:13

In my honest opinion... Call it a day.

Mood swings like that are unlikely to improve and in time you will end up treading on eggshells to keep him happy, be in the firing line when he's feeling low, and it will drag you down too.

I speak from bitter experience.

Haggisfish · 03/01/2021 00:13

Yea I would leave before you become further embroiled and enmeshed. Not your job to fix him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2021 00:13

Life is too short for this. You are not responsible for his feelings or his behaviour.

Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:13

I am thinking this. But I can't bare the thought of him overdosing again. I know he's in pain and struggling so much these last few days.
I just can't quite believe what's happened. Like a complete change in his personality.

OP posts:
Rae34 · 03/01/2021 00:16

Break up with him. Sorry but being with a person with this level of depression will take a great toll on you. It is one thing in a s serious relationship but quite another in a fledgling relationship.

Put your own oxygen mask first. Rip off the band aid.

Ace56 · 03/01/2021 00:17

If he does overdose again, it will 100% NOT be your fault. Agree this is an early sign of things to come...sounds like he needs to get help before he enters into a serious relationship.

GloGirl · 03/01/2021 00:17

4 months and he's losing respect for you. Yanbu to remind him youre not obligated to him and you care for him and you would like to see that reflected back in how he talks to you.

He may feel depressed and shit but he doesnt have to treat you like shit.

raspberryk · 03/01/2021 00:17

I’d dump his ass

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 03/01/2021 00:19

Given the depression, chronic pain, and controlled drugs on prescription, I'm not surprised at all to hear that he acts like this 'on a bad day'. At least he recognises the difference in himself between that and normality, so I think all you can do is wait this one out, see if he apologises and is happy to have a conversation about it when he's not in a place where he wants to rip everyone's head off, and then it's up to you to decide if you can accept being in a relationship with someone who is, on occasion, going to act like this when they are ill.

I have personal experience of being in a similar place and acting in a similar manner, so while I make no excuses for him, I can understand why he's acting the way he is.. People don't 'choose' to be depressed, distressed, out of it on prescription drugs, and become extremely abrasive as a result, but you don't have to be the punching bag, tolerate it, and especially, you need to understand you are in no way responsible for 'provoking' that behaviour either, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. It's simply a question of does this cross your own personal line in the sand, and are you willing to accept it for the sake of maintaining what could be a perfectly healthy and satisfying relationship the vast majority of the time?

Mylittleturkeysandwich · 03/01/2021 00:20

Nope, I'd be off if it were me. DH recently helped me through a very dark period of poor mental health. After 10 years together. Honestly the way I was I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving. It's far too soon in a relationship to be putting all that on you. I think it's a mere hint of things to come. You don't need to fix this man, you don't owe him anything.

SuperHighway · 03/01/2021 00:22

You can't fix him and you are not responsible for him. Ask yourself what sort of life you want and walk away.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 03/01/2021 00:24

In a long term relationship I would probably think differently but 4 months in? I would be wishing him well and walking away.

Anything he does is his choice - not your fault.

He needs to work on getting well and you don’t have to be the verbal punchbag while he does so.

TartanLassie · 03/01/2021 00:24

4 months? Bugger that 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Worried234 · 03/01/2021 00:24

He's manipulating you, fuck him off. Four months is nothing.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 03/01/2021 00:25

You walk away. You end it now. You block him and move on. Everything he was up until this point was an act. And he kept that act up only for four months?!

Providora · 03/01/2021 00:25

There's no excuse for yelling at you and treating you like that.

I emphasise with his feelings - I've had very bad times when the well meaning 'I'll give you some space' from loved ones has sent me into a panic because the absolute last thing I want is to push people away and be alone. But I'd never become abusive about it, that's not an acceptable response ever.

Chickmad · 03/01/2021 00:26

As someone who lives with chronic pain and has done since age 17 (now 40s) I have never taken it out on anyone like that. Yes I have occasionally been short or tearful. I have had moments of self pity and contemplated ending it all...but that would have been my choice. And staying with someone just because you are worried they may do something.
Also, as an aside, if he takes very strong painkillers for pain, I am not sure how he could have failed in his previous attempt unless it was a cry for help/attention.
Regardless of his health/disability/depression, he has no right to treat you that way.
And usually, but especially in the early honeymoon phase of a relationship, is a large red flag.

Providora · 03/01/2021 00:26

*empathise!

nowishtofly · 03/01/2021 00:27

Run. This is your get out, now before your lives become too entangled and you've got into the habit of tip toeing around his moods and it becomes so much more difficult.

pallisers · 03/01/2021 00:27

4 months in you can choose not to sign up for this. You don't owe him anything. Any decisions he makes are his - not your responsibility.

On the grounds that, after one incident, you are already holding yourself responsible for his moods and blaming yourself for not being able to make him happy - run - fast

I agree with this.

Lollypop701 · 03/01/2021 00:27

This is not a case of do you love him enough....because you obviously do or you wouldn’t be posting. Can you live with episodes like this, potentially forever. Will the good times compensate for the bad ? Only you know op

Chickmad · 03/01/2021 00:27

Sorry that should say
And staying with someone just because you are worried they may do something is not a good reason to stay.

AndcalloffChristmas · 03/01/2021 00:29

Absolutely call it a day. This was your first reaction and the right one. The reason is making excuses and trying to find a way to stay in the relationship/ make it ok.

Four months in is far too soon for this kind of stuff. Far too soon to ask you to be his support or having you second guessing yourself.