Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

[Puffpuff77]

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

@CatAndHisKit Sorry but no. I strongly disagree. It’s inexcusable

He may not be an abusive man - I can understand why chronic pain and depression can make someone lash out. But honestly, OP, do you want to basically become his carer? You have young children, do you want to take the risk that his mental health ends up blighting their lives? I know that sounds really cruel but it is a lot to take one when you are single women, a HUGE ask when you have children at home. His happiness is not your responsibility. Your children's happiness, and yours, is. Your family has to be a priority.

Depression is terrible, I know that personally. But depression is not an excuse to treat someone like shit and verbally abuse them and just.....expect the person to accept it because, well, 'I'm depressed'. In fact, having depression should make him more aware of how he treats you and the effect it has on you. He seems very selfish and doesn't care how it affects you, he just expects you to accept it. All red flags, imo. Only 4 months in, he sounds exhausting, entitled, and very hard work. He will drag you down and give you depression if you didn't have it before you got together. Leave him now before you get too attached. If he won't take any responsibility and just expects you to accept it because that's how he is, he is showing you he doesn't care about how his behaviour makes you feel. He may not be able to help the depression, but he can help not making you feel this is your lot in life with him and you just need to accept it. He should be attempting to minimise the impact on you, but he expects you to be his verbal punching bag. Go now, before you get too deep.

I think he’s shown you a side of his personality, not just his mental health problems.

Run, dont have a martyr complex and stay to ‘save him’ like I did for years before I got out of a relationship where I was walking on eggshells around my bi-polar but also just plain self centred and nasty ex. My mantra at the end was even the mentally unwell can be assholes.

I'd end the relationship. Too much, too fast, too rude and demanding.

Women aren't there to put up with shit because men need fixing. I'd be quitting, you're neither his mother nor his carer. You are not responsible for him.

He's managed for 45 years without you so I assume he can keep on doing so. And in your cosy little chats he didn't ever tell you that you shoud expect verbal abuse on a regular basis did he? I imagine he's told you a lot about his awful ex-partners but you're special? Your responsibility is to your children not some grown man you've known for 4 months.

Out of character? You couldn't possibly know that after 4 months. Sounds more like this is him and the last four months has been him on his best behaviour.

After four months you have no responsibility to him at all. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of this. I would tell him it’s over.

4 mths should still be hugely in the honeymoon period, not you tiptoeing on eggshells so as not upset him.

DP suffers terribly with depression from time to time and in 5 years he hasn't ever spoken to me like that. Like yours, he sleeps a lot, is quite lethargic and itsometimes lasts 2-3 days.

I carry on as normal, I don't tiptoe around him, and we talk about it openly. He has said the last thing he wants is to be mollycoddled. Distraction is good, giving him something to focus on helps, but certainly not walking on eggshells.

You're not responsible for fixing him and making him feel better, that's down to him I'm afraid.

Get out of this mess. Now.

Enjoy your life. That won't happen if you are stuck with him.

You are not responsible for his emotional well-being. He is. His mental and emotional health are his job. You can’t “make” someone happy. Only yourself. Mental health is something between him and his professional team, I’m afraid. You can choose to have this in your life or not.

Honestly OP, run. You don't need this. Taking someone on with those complex levels of MH issues is a burden that I honestly think is rarely worth it.

Sorry but no. I strongly disagree. It’s inexcusable

There's a huge difference between an 'excuse' and an 'explanation'. Plenty of times on mumsnet, even in this thread in fact, where people seem to believe the two are one and the same thing.

My partner, who is 100% adorable, takes prescription meds for anxiety. They make her absent, flighty, prone to repetition, incapable of retaining any sort of fact, she can't recall conversations that took place two minutes beforehand, and generally she comes across like she's totally and utterly away with the fairies. It's not endearing, it's an absolute pain in the arse to be around, but this is absolutely not who my partner is, it's what my partner becomes when she takes a certain medication.

Some of the replies in this thread are totally demoralising to be honest. People are still displaying a huge degree of ignorance about the reality of life-long mental health conditions, psychiatric medication, and what life is like living with chronic pain. OP states in the first few lines that her partner is lovely 99% of the time, but no, he's an abusive shit she should run a mile from, and clearly priming her to accept his ongoing abusive behaviour apparently, rather than the blindingly obvious reality that his pain and medication causes him to act in a manner totally outside of his usual demeanour, for a tiny proportion of his life, as it does with so many other people in similar circumstances.

The comment that implies he's a failure because he did not successfully complete a suicide attempt is beyond disgraceful.

I would not contact him now. But if he contacts you again, I would tell him that his behaviour has been very odd,and you don't much like the way he has been at all. It's not your job to sort his issues out, and I would tell him this.

@oldandtiredandold

Out of character? You couldn't possibly know that after 4 months. Sounds more like this is him and the last four months has been him on his best behaviour.

Exactly this! You've only known him 4 months, how could you possibly know what is out of character for him, OP? I agree with oldandtiredandold, this might very well be the real him. Being in a lot of pain I understand. And that making him utterly miserable I also can understand. However there is no justification to take it out on you and accuse you of playing mind games (sounds more like what he is doing to you by moving the goal posts all the time). Nothing justifies that. Usually people with depression actually make more of an effort to not hurt others, because they know the damage that causes. And people with depression are more aware of how they affect others. It seems like you've seen the 'real' him. Only 4 months in.

Also, you say you've romantically checked out, but still say I love you to him. That might be true, but by saying it you are giving him false hope. And that will make it worse for him by delaying the inevitable. Far better off to just tell him you want to be friends and no longer in a relationship, asap. If you can't tell him that right now, then decrease the messages to him and don't say I love you to him.

Aside from medication, what’s he doing to improve things? Is he in therapy or getting physio?

If he’s not doing anything I’d back off.

I struggle with the same issues and it’s hard but I’ve done a lot to make it better. My back is massively improved (surgery, physio, pain management clinic and getting fit) thankfully so less potent painkillers and lots of therapy to help the mental scars. The stronger pain relief I’ve had in the past never had a negative impact on mood, quite the opposite. But if it’s the medication causing this he needs a to speak to his Dr again. Lots of pain meds are also antidepressants so he has options which can help both issues and some help with sleep. But you shouldn’t be trying to fix him, this is just so you know he may be able to help himself more. Ultimately you have kids and can’t be expected to babysit him too. At the very least slow down and lay down expectations.

Running away slowly is not a kindness. It is actually more cruel. The kindest thing for both of you to end it swiftly, cleanly, no ambiguity. A single text saying you have decided the relationship is not going to work for you so it is over and you'll be blocking him to make it a clean break for you both.

Do not take ANY responsibility onto yourself for his mental health. Stop yourself from going any further down that path.

exactly, XDownwiththissortofthingX.

Dita you say it's inexcusable but have you read the rest of my post about putting rules/boundaries in place regarding reducing comtact on these days? Of course it's more of an issue when you live with a partner, like XDown - then yo uhae to create that space by various means, and if your partner IS a good person and a good partner, they'll accept it. If not, don't just live with it.

But you saying it's inexcusable - so would you abandon your aging mother like my example, if she has such bad days? We discussed it many. many times, but she really can't cope with her emotions and raising voice on those days when she's unwell physically and/or depressed. Reality is not that simople - so if your partner / husband / parent haev this issue, you would want to try to find a way around it but tolerate some aspects of it - as otherwise they are good people who love you.
It's also reality that many men tolerate their wives laashing out during PMT (verbally, I don't mean physical violence which is unacceptable). They just tru to make themselves scarce on these days.

He's not depressed, he's emotionally unstable. Anything he does you're not responsible for. In my experience people with this who are unable to see that they have a problem just don't have it in them to maintain normal healthy relationships. I think you should end it now for your own sake

@CatAndHisKit “Make yourself scarce on these days”?! Not really the basis for a healthy relationship is it. What if you’re in a major lockdown and it’s not an option?
My reality is that simple. Depression and anxiety are not an excuse nor an explanation for that behaviour. It doesn’t work that way. Yes it’s a nightmare and it pushes you to your limit at times but having an attitude like that with someone is not part of it

OP, please ignore the 2-3 people on this thread who trying to guilt-trip you into tolerating straight-up abusive behaviour. It’s really unhelpful and downright misogynistic to peddle this narrative that a woman should be supportive and nurturing towards someone who shows her so little respect and acts really emotionally abusive. This dude is behaving very controlling and manipulative. There is never a justification to let out your frustration and pent-up rage on another person. No one has to sign up to a whipping boy for someone, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, for long-term partners one would expect some support, although that still should not be a justification to treat someone so badly. But you owe this guy zero, if he cannot manage his anger and attitude, he is not fit to start a new relationship. After a mere four months, his issues should not be on you whatsoever. I am so pleased that you are putting your children first. Wy are so many people trying push this unhealthy narrative that we owe people with mental health unquestioning support. We don’t. We owe ourselves our own wellbeing above all. Being mentally ill and having long-term pain is not ever an excuse or carte blanche to be a c*nt!

@Puffpuff77

I am thinking this. But I can't bare the thought of him overdosing again. I know he's in pain and struggling so much these last few days. I just can't quite believe what's happened. Like a complete change in his personality.

That's not your responsibility. It wouldn't be if you were married either but there is a big difference between a four month relationship and a four or forty year one where you might offer support.

It's a red flag, don't ignore it.

Call it a day now, it's early days and already crap.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Given the depression, chronic pain, and controlled drugs on prescription, I'm not surprised at all to hear that he acts like this 'on a bad day'. At least he recognises the difference in himself between that and normality, so I think all you can do is wait this one out, see if he apologises and is happy to have a conversation about it when he's not in a place where he wants to rip everyone's head off, and then it's up to you to decide if you can accept being in a relationship with someone who is, on occasion, going to act like this when they are ill.

I have personal experience of being in a similar place and acting in a similar manner, so while I make no excuses for him, I can understand why he's acting the way he is.. People don't 'choose' to be depressed, distressed, out of it on prescription drugs, and become extremely abrasive as a result, but you don't have to be the punching bag, tolerate it, and especially, you need to understand you are in no way responsible for 'provoking' that behaviour either, no matter what they say in the heat of the moment. It's simply a question of does this cross your own personal line in the sand, and are you willing to accept it for the sake of maintaining what could be a perfectly healthy and satisfying relationship the vast majority of the time?

This