Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

[Puffpuff77]

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

If I would have called thing off with my perfect man after the "out of character" verbal abuse I got 4 months in I wouldn't be sitting here having wasted 4 years of my life with this man.

He sucked every but of happiness I had out of me with his mental health issues due to chronic pain and depression. I got to the point two months ago that I didn't know who I was anymore and I had to leave.

Don't waste your time op.. Don't end up like me!

Thank you. He is in absolute agony and has bad days. I think this is depression today on top of the pain. He avoids the painkillers because they make him feel horrible. But he's given in today. They make him spaced out etc. He said he didn't expect to feel how he did when he woke up.

The worst thing was he said I didn't understand him at all. He kept saying that and I was playing games. That hurt because of all the nights we've talked and he's said he can open up to me about it more than anyone.

I do love him. Every day for four months he's been wonderful to me. He's had a few days like today where he has slept. But he always wakes up and is nice and will call me for a chat.

I will defend him here and say whilst he's out of order for tonight I do believe he is having a really bad day. He's not being nasty to be nasty. I can tell he's hurting. He was saying about how daughter and everything too. It wasn't just me. He's lonely and in a horrible place tonight. This is the thing with suicide and depression. They can't control it like we can.
I want to make sure he's ok and everything. But I dont think I will be carrying on the romance side of it anytime soon. It would take a lot to convince me.

I've just messaged him and said shall I message you in the morning and said I love you and I care. He put yes ofcourse if you want to I'll sort it don't worry love you too.

I will check on him tomorrow but romantically ive checked out. I won't stop caring or loving him instantly but I don't have the energy for this because my kids deserve a decent male figure in there lives. Not one who could turn on there mum like this.

My ex spoke to me like this frequently. I hated it. It ruined my. I put up with it from age 18 to 39. It still baffles me that some guys don't do it. How sad is that?! Don't let this become your normal.

Edit: it ruined *me.

We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

His happiness or otherwise is not your responsibility. It sounds like there’s no winning doesn’t it“? He turns his phone off because he feels shit and is then angry because you left him alone.

MH issues do not give people the right to be nasty, entitled and manipulative and he sounds to be all three.

You do not need this in your life. The very fact you are thinking of not leaving him in case he does something stupid is a clear sign you need to end this relationship.

He doesn't seem as if he is taking his pain meds as he should.

You don't let it build up until it's too much to bear and then take enough to knock you out.
(He would know this, as it's a long term condition)

I would be slightly suspicious that there may be non medical meds being taken.

What they said. U can't fix him. Think of the children. Go.

That's what I would have advised my former self in the exact same position. Go

@Puffpuff77

Thanks for the replies. Mental health is so hard. I am very new to this level of it. He's such a happy person normally, full of love and always says he would do absolutely anything for me. He wants to be happy after agony and years of suffering. But I just don't think I want this. My last partner was such a gentle soul and not once in 8 years did he get even close to speaking to me how this chap has tonight.

I could see in the way he was talking that he was lashing out in a destructive way. Because he moaned everyone was pestering him. Then moaned he hadn't had anything from me all day. I told him I had responded to him at 3pm to a random message he sent me half asleep. He had no memory of that. But I do tend to send a couple of nice chirpy things for him if he's in pain to cheer him up.
Basically his backs killing him and he's overwhelmed.
But I think I need to back off now. I've always accepted his situation and knew there were times he wouldn't be as with it. But I have children that he hasn't met yet and I said to him on the phone tonight about that. I said I have little kids so I can't have a relationship like this. He was even rude about that. He said oh so I've got to be your rock and never have a bad day. I said no I have children and can not have ups and downs like this. I told him nobody had ever spoken to me like that before. Because they haven't. If I've bickered with men in the past it's just harmless bickering. But for someone to flip and blame me for such a tiny message offering space.

He did say to me when you love someone or you are close to someone a little comment they make can feel really personal.

Ahhh all of of it just feels abit concerning and I just hope he doesn't hurt himself.

I'm sad for him. Because that's such an extreme reaction.

He did say to me if you love someone or are close to someone a little comment they make can feel really personal.

That sounds awfully like he’s justifying his behaviour. The chasm between his behaviour and yours is marked. If he can behave like this off the back of an innocent remark and an attempt to respect his boundaries, I’m wondering how would he respond if you’d ranted at him in the way he just did.

You’re being primed, groomed to accept this shit. I have chronic pain, mine is all over body pain. I also have chronic fatigue and since having what is probably coronavirus earlier this year, I have some sort of long Covid and cannot move my arms properly. I can now barely hold a pen to write. My back is the worst and been through 3 major surgeries in the past 3 years. I had terrible depression many years ago and at times now my mental health hangs on a thread. I can be pretty awful, short and difficult at times. But not like this.

What I do not have is those sort of lows, which would suggest there could be something else is going on. Perhaps he needs medicating for depression or maybe he should be investigated for bipolar. Either way, he seems already to be justifying how he is and choosing not find a way to change. Therefore I would run.

Oops I meant to clear the quote...

@Puffpuff77
He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain
But he didn't did he? He's still here in the land of the living, tormenting you. Making you feel responsible for his mental health. He's one evil fucker and I'd advise you to run as fast as you can away from him. You are not responsible for the state of his mental health. No Way No How.

Thankyou everyone. I do have feelings for him and they are so strong. I love him and he's been the best company. But it feels like a switch has been flicked tonight. I don't feel the same way about him already. It was far too angry and accusing for such a small comment. I asked him if he wanted the space for reassurance myself. It's hard sometimes. I tried to explain it to him but he was horrible and told me I was playing games. I have gotten used to him sleeping in the day if he's not working. At first that got me down. I felt confused by it. But I've adapted. I thought I was doing the right thing today by not messaging him. It's like a minefield.

I can't read his mind anyway so there isn't a way to make it work after today.

It sounds like it hasnt been a wonderful 4 months, and actually youve just been lowering your standards a little bit at a time.

It’s a big ask to deal with someone whose mental health isn’t under control as a previous poster said he is clearly not in the right place for a relationship. Tomorrow I’m sure he will assure you it’s a blip etc etc I am sure it is his pain and the depression talking but you are not being fair to yourself or your kids or to him to take this further.

It’s not your responsibility to fix him or accommodate his outbursts
4mth in, I’d call it quits Unless you like saving and/or fixing people mad the accompanying drama

Yeah I'm sure he will apologise. But I will always be waiting for the next time. Thank you for all your replies. I'm going to bed now. Feeling anxious and stressed. Really didn't expect any of this.

Thanks for all your replies. I shall run away slowly. But I don't see a future with him anymore.

If you stay with someone like this, your whole life will gradually be taken over by trying to second guess what mood he is likely to be in at any given time.

I’m so glad you’re detaching from this man OP. I recently talked my brother into ending things with a similar character. She was making him so miserable but he kept thinking it was “out of character” etc. I told her she wasn’t good enough to be my sons Auntie one day then she wasn’t good enough for my brother either. You and your kids deserve better. Stay strong. He will probably mess with your head until the bitter end

He’s a fruit loop OP. Get rid for your sanity

Four months in things shouldn’t be this hard. God knows what he will be like once the newness of tithe relationship has worn off. Your life will revolve around his physical and mental well-being yet whatever you do it won’t be right. You will excuse him because he is ill but neither mental or physical illness gives someone the excuse of treating those around them like shit. He expects you by some psychic power to know how he is feeling and what he needs. That’s not possible and even if it were, what about your needs and how you feel. He seems to expect you to accommodate him at all times. Total nightmare

I'm bipolar - rapid cycling - which means sometimes my mood can turn very suddenly. My right leg was crushed in a car accident when I was 17 (now 52) and I have dealt with chronic pain since. However I have never been as rude to a partner as he was to you today.
If I'm having a bad day I tell my partner, and tell them what I need from them - to be left alone, not left alone, whatever. I don't shout at them or try and blame them for the situation.
It's only been 4 months, I'd leave it. You deserve better.

I’ve had depression (severe) for 24 years and at no point,even on my shittiest days,have I ever spoken to anyone like that. Not once. There is no excuse for it. Please don’t tolerate it. As for him harming himself,if he does,it will have absolutely nothing to do with you or your actions so don’t feel responsible for him

*People don't 'choose' to be depressed, distressed, out of it on prescription drugs, and become extremely abrasive as a result(

Exactly. My mum has similar bad days now she's older, and becomes shouty and can say very unkind / unfair things - she then recover and doesn't even recognise herself from that day. I have PMS and tend to be like that too for a couple of days.
You can't take it personally, OP! And you can't judge his feelings for you as invalid based on this - as I say, people become somewhat irrational when distressed / influenced by the meds.

BUT you need to set rules for these days if you want to stay together.
If he knows it's his bad day, he shuold NOT request contact from you or demand your attention, only to be unpleasant as he can't control his mood on thee days. However tough, he deals with it by his own means or my talking to his counsellor and learning coping techniques.

Tell him that without these rules, your trust in hisfeeling will b e undermined and that you feel upset. That you understand his situation and care about him but that you cant be happy to be a punching bag (anyone would be who's talikngto him that day).
See if it works - if not, then don't hang around.

I’ve had depression (severe) for 24 years and at no point,even on my shittiest days,have I ever spoken to anyone like that

With respect, everyone is different. Nerves, temperanent, general stress levels play a role. As in my post above, my old-age mum is genuinely a good, caring person but on her bad days when she feels unwell and stressed, she can say nasty things and shout even in public. She always say she didn't mean it later, and says sorry. Many women do this during severe PMT too, as an example.

I've had suicide risk training. The bottom line is it's not your fault what a person chooses to do.

Put yourself first. He's unfairly burdening you.

If had had a friend in your position what you would you advise them to do?