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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

211 replies

Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:06

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

OP posts:
whenwillthemadnessend · 03/01/2021 08:47

Unfortunately you are not responsible for his happiness or anyone's but your own.

Do not become his rescuer.

It's not your responsibility

get out now.

Only he is responsible

CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2021 08:48

The meds might make him spacey or moody or whatever but it's still a choice to take it out on you.

Cccc1111 · 03/01/2021 08:48

You need to speak to people in relationships with people with illnesses or mental health problems. People on here who have no frame of reference won’t understand and will likely just to tell you to leave him. Ignore those people and go find a forum with people in that position. And ask advice from people who better understand this area.

Dereg · 03/01/2021 08:53

I wonder how much he liases with the local Mental Health team & pain clinic? Hopefully he accepts the support from them. Do his employees help by making adustments in the workplace for chronic pain?

brightertimes123 · 03/01/2021 08:59

@Cccc1111

You need to speak to people in relationships with people with illnesses or mental health problems. People on here who have no frame of reference won’t understand and will likely just to tell you to leave him. Ignore those people and go find a forum with people in that position. And ask advice from people who better understand this area.
Sorry I disagree Maybe in a long term relationship but not at this early stage. OP look out for yourself and your DC - walk away
stuckdownahole · 03/01/2021 09:01

OP, I'm a bloke. I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who was bright, funny and extremely kind but also very anxious, and she slipped into clinical depression.

I tried to help her through it for a year, putting her first. Some days she was absolutely her normal self, some days I would come home from work and be faced with a crying, irrational mess because she'd held it together all day in her job and let it all out when she was safe with me.

Eventually I couldn't take it any more, ignored the threats of suicide and left. I still miss her 20 years later and no-one has ever looked at me with the same love in their eyes as she did, but I have never ever regretted my decision. Your own wellbeing and happiness are more important.

Terracottasaur · 03/01/2021 09:03

It’s not your job to fix him OP. I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety in the past and it still wouldn’t have justified speaking to my partner like that. You aren’t responsible for him, and you need to protect yourself.

MadamBatty · 03/01/2021 09:07

Please stop with the OP poster needs to support this man & educate herself about mental health.

She know him 16 weeks, 112 says. She’s supposed to be ‘dating’ him. As in having fun times, laughing.

She is not the default support human.

He’s 45 he has to help himself. If his mental & physical health is as bad as he says it is then he’s not in a position to be dating at all.

Op you have young kids, please mind yourself, then your kids.

Bourbonic · 03/01/2021 09:09

If anybody I'd known for just a few months spoke to me in such a shit way and tried to manipulate me they'd be fired straight into the bin, mental health issues or not. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and you need to consider whether you want a relationship where this is your norm, because this is a fundamental part of who he is.

thecutback · 03/01/2021 09:11

@stuckdownahole

OP, I'm a bloke. I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who was bright, funny and extremely kind but also very anxious, and she slipped into clinical depression.

I tried to help her through it for a year, putting her first. Some days she was absolutely her normal self, some days I would come home from work and be faced with a crying, irrational mess because she'd held it together all day in her job and let it all out when she was safe with me.

Eventually I couldn't take it any more, ignored the threats of suicide and left. I still miss her 20 years later and no-one has ever looked at me with the same love in their eyes as she did, but I have never ever regretted my decision. Your own wellbeing and happiness are more important.

You don't need to announce that you're a man
airforsharon · 03/01/2021 09:15

The man my mum married when i was 10 after a seemingly blissful few months together turned out to be a controllling & abusive. In retrospect she said there were minor things before they married that bothered her but she dismissed them because he was so 'lovely and easy going' most of the time.

I was stuck with him until i was able to leave home. He wrecked my relationship with my mum, my peace of mind & my self confidence. I had a breakdown at 15 which impacted my education - i got into a grammar school at 11 on the strength of my reports & head teachers recommendation (we'd moved areas from one without the 11+ to one with but too late for me to sit it) and was expected to do very well - i ended up scraping 5 O levels. My life is happy but very different to the one i could have had.
Please don't put your children through anything like this.

Bagamoyo1 · 03/01/2021 09:16

@justilou1

I’m dubious about the pain meds, tbh... perhaps they are the cause. Could this man be an addict? He is behaving like one.
That’s what I was wondering too.
Branleuse · 03/01/2021 09:19

Tell him that you wouldnt want to be spoken to like that after 10 years let alone 4 months,

TwentyViginti · 03/01/2021 09:22

He only survived because he messaged someone and said goodbye and they called an ambulance

Yeah my daughter has an ex who pulled this shit and exhibited other manipulative behaviours. She dumped him.

Six years on - he's still alive and kicking. He went on to abuse another woman who dumped him very quickly.

You know an awful lot about his past OP. All the 'poor me' narrative of his life. He's not looking for a relationship - he's looking for a whipping boy.

You already have kids - you don't need a man to mummy too.

Fandaddydoozie · 03/01/2021 09:23

Get out whilst you can. This will only get worse and you will end up very unhappy. The more miserable he becomes the more he will take it out on you and blame you for it. You don't need this baggage. Just run for the hills.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/01/2021 09:24

It doesn't sound like he should be in a relationship right now OP. I have a mental health problem for which I take medication religiously and have a chronic back problem. I work full time and I know I cannot possibly be in a relationship right now. It would not be fair on the other person. I am wiped out after work. It sounds I've he is in the same boat. No doubt he wants a relationship but it isn't fair on the other person. Not your circus, not your monkeys OP. Dont get involved.

TwentyViginti · 03/01/2021 09:25

@Dereg

I wonder how much he liases with the local Mental Health team & pain clinic? Hopefully he accepts the support from them. Do his employees help by making adustments in the workplace for chronic pain?
These are not matters for OP to address. He is 45 and should be addressing his issues himself - not palming them off to the nearest available woman.
Cccc1111 · 03/01/2021 09:25

@brightertimes123 thanks for proving my point about people on here and lack of understanding

firecracker69 · 03/01/2021 09:26

It's not your job to fix him. He's abusing you and the real him is sneaking out now. Medication or not, there's no excuse to be nasty. I've suffered from severe depression but it doesn't make me abuse others. Why did he decide to begin a new relationship when he is like this?

It's all about him... he needs this, I do this for him. What about you? What does he do for you? What do you get out of it?

You constantly make excuses for him yet he is pretty much a stranger to you. How do you really know it's the meds making him like this? Four months is a very short time for all this to be happening. You've said he won't get help - that says it all.

Pass your concerns onto one of his friends/family members then switch off and leave him to it. Ive been there, he wasn't nasty though, there's no helping people when they won't help themselves.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 03/01/2021 09:34

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Cokie3 · 03/01/2021 09:35

@Cccc1111 If you had a daughter with children and your daughter had only been dating a man for 4 months and he was emotionally abusing, would you encourage her to continue seeing her, putting her welfare and your grandchildren's welfare last?

Is that what you are saying?

Most of us on here have had experience with mental illness, hence our posts. I'm not sure you've had any experience yourself.

Gilead · 03/01/2021 09:36

The constant fear of overdosing is how they trap you. I finally escaped after 20 years. He didn’t overdose. He had a new girlfriend within three months. Get away now.

sandgrown · 03/01/2021 09:37

I have just split with my partner of 20 years who had mental health issues. I have supported him through depression, job losses, excess drinking and refusing to do anything to help himself. I have walked on eggshells and made excuses for him and put up with his moods and emotional and verbal abuse. The final straw was when he attacked our teenage son. At the start he was fun and charming and generous and we shared a lot of interests. Walk away OP before you get sucked in. You cannot “cure” him.

Calmandmeasured1 · 03/01/2021 09:40

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.
You do not know him. You only met 4 months ago. This could well be in character for him.

He shouted at you. He accused you of playing mind games. He wouldn't let you speak. It sounds like he is a controlling abusive person. Why would anyone choose such a relationship? Your life will be difficult forever.

I have experience of caring for a depressed person. He is often self-absorbed, as many severely depressed people can be, but he isn't abusive or unkind and doesn't shout. He is mild-mannered. IME, you don't have a personality transplant when you are depressed. If your bf treats you badly it is because of his basic personality traits and character and not depression.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid.
If you are sensible you will dump him. If he does something stupid, by which I presume you mean attempts or commits suicide, that is not down to you. If someone I was dating threatened suicide, I would definitely walk away. (I might ring a relative of theirs to let them know so they took responsibility for seeking help for him, but I would walk away).

Billben · 03/01/2021 09:40

You have kids and you are 4 months into this relationship. I would leave.