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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

211 replies

Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:06

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

OP posts:
MacDuffsMuff · 03/01/2021 09:41

Sensible decision OP. Sorry you had to go through this, but if you stayed with him you'd be in for a lifetime of pussyfooting around him and every single issue would be your fault. Good luck.

DressingGownofDoom · 03/01/2021 09:41

You've made a good decision OP. It's a shame for him that he's so unhappy but you could never change that, he would only drag and your children down with him.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2021 09:48

@Cccc1111

You need to speak to people in relationships with people with illnesses or mental health problems. People on here who have no frame of reference won’t understand and will likely just to tell you to leave him. Ignore those people and go find a forum with people in that position. And ask advice from people who better understand this area.
Do you think she should stay??
RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 03/01/2021 09:49

OP the red flag for me (apart from the obvious shouting) is being accused of mind games. That is more than feeling understandably shit on a painful day. That is another level of paranoia and possibly a warped vision of women that you do not need to be constantly justifying yourself against.

Don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think you have the kind of personality to put up with his moods. The person that stays with him will call him out on his bullshit immediately, recognise that he is being unreasonable and tell him unapologetically that if he ever speaks to you like that again it’s over.

You are not that kind of person. You’ve been overly sympathetic and understanding of his reasons. I think staying with him would lead to a deterioration of your mental health because you’d always be questioning your reaction.

So be clear with him. Don’t be wishy washy.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/01/2021 09:51

@TwentyViginti

He only survived because he messaged someone and said goodbye and they called an ambulance

Yeah my daughter has an ex who pulled this shit and exhibited other manipulative behaviours. She dumped him.

Six years on - he's still alive and kicking. He went on to abuse another woman who dumped him very quickly.

You know an awful lot about his past OP. All the 'poor me' narrative of his life. He's not looking for a relationship - he's looking for a whipping boy.

You already have kids - you don't need a man to mummy too.

I wonder how much the OP has been able to share about her life, worries and experiences during these intense long talks they have had??
GreenlandTheMovie · 03/01/2021 09:54

He's a brat who is training you to put up with his brattish behaviour.

MacDuffsMuff · 03/01/2021 09:54

@Cccc1111 What's your 'frame of reference'? I mean that genuinely and not at all to be inflammatory.

Mine is years of living with a person like this to the point that I felt that I was completely worthless, not deserving of anything but guilt and the responsibility of keeping someone who was awful to me from killing themselves and no matter what, everything was my fault. And I mean everything. If there was a power cut he would be shouting at me because he couldn't finish his work and 'might as well kill' himself. It was always MY job to make him feel better and fix him. Until the point when I was barely functioning myself and I knew that I had to get out. He went on to do the same to many, many women I'm just glad I got out before I had children with him (a very conscious decision on my part).

I wouldn't wish anything like that on anyone else. The OP also has children to think about.

BertramLacey · 03/01/2021 09:56

@Cccc1111

You need to speak to people in relationships with people with illnesses or mental health problems. People on here who have no frame of reference won’t understand and will likely just to tell you to leave him. Ignore those people and go find a forum with people in that position. And ask advice from people who better understand this area.
I'm coming at this from the other side - I'm the one with MH problems. I didn't get into a relationship until they were under control. I want my partner to be my partner, not my therapist. Whilst he is sympathetic to my problems (mainly depression) he is not my nurse maid. The people saying to leave this man may well understand this area. Don't presume that because they're saying things you don't want to hear, that they're ignorant. It's one thing helping a partner who develops problems whilst you're with them, quite another willingly getting into a relationship with someone with serious ongoing MH problems. No-one has to sacrifice themselves to save someone else's mental health.

OP you say this isn't normal for him but you've been seeing him for 4 months. This is his normal. He's showing it to you now, very early in the relationship. You sound like his therapist, not his partner. You sound like you want to fix him. This is not your job. Please do stick to your guns and leave him. And work out why you felt so responsible for someone you barely knew.

SaltyTootsieToes · 03/01/2021 10:07

You’re doing the right thing op. You’ve now seen what you would occasionally have to deal with and decided it’s not for you and most importantly, it’s not for your D.C.

This would be your and your children’s lives going forward - these episodes would leave permanent scars in your children’s lives and erode your life over time if you stuck around.

Would be different if this were an issue after many years together in a long term relationship and he were the father of your children

This isn’t the case

This is a new relationship and this episode took place during the get to know each other phase

Now you know and choose not to have this man and his problems in your life going forward. This decision does not make you a bad person, this decision does not make you a selfish person. This decision makes you a smart person and a good mother.

Keep this thread and reread it when you start kidding the man you thought he was. Remember all the various people’s stories shared and telling you to run. Remember how you felt when he was nasty to you, remember how he refused to acknowledge/apologise for his behaviour. Keep your resolve

There’ll be someone else out there for you.

BigTroubleLittleEngland · 03/01/2021 10:08

That level of outburst belongs in a relationship with far more familiarity than you have after only 4 months. I suffer from terrible mental health and yes, 20 years down the line my dh sometimes gets the brunt of it but in the early days I'd have kept it breezy and then rang my sister or my mum to splurge my mental state.

I'd break it off.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 03/01/2021 10:09

Don’t hold yourself responsible for his mood and don’t let him do it either. 4 months in is meant to be fun and this doesn’t sound like fun- it sounds like the sort of relationship where long term you end up walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. No one is worth living a life like that.

SaltyTootsieToes · 03/01/2021 10:10

Sorry, meant to be missing, not kidding. Bloody mobile!

brightertimes123 · 03/01/2021 10:17

[quote Cccc1111]@brightertimes123 thanks for proving my point about people on here and lack of understanding[/quote]
You have no idea of my understanding Hmm

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2021 10:22

Honeymoon period over. This is now the start of reality, the new normal.. get out now before you get more emotionally tangled with him. His mental health issues are something he needs to address - don’t let him make them your problem.

JudyGemstone · 03/01/2021 10:30

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

OP the red flag for me (apart from the obvious shouting) is being accused of mind games. That is more than feeling understandably shit on a painful day. That is another level of paranoia and possibly a warped vision of women that you do not need to be constantly justifying yourself against.

Don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think you have the kind of personality to put up with his moods. The person that stays with him will call him out on his bullshit immediately, recognise that he is being unreasonable and tell him unapologetically that if he ever speaks to you like that again it’s over.

You are not that kind of person. You’ve been overly sympathetic and understanding of his reasons. I think staying with him would lead to a deterioration of your mental health because you’d always be questioning your reaction.

So be clear with him. Don’t be wishy washy.

This is exactly what I was going to say, of course people with chronic pain conditions can be grumpy and snappy at times (I have one myself) but to make accusations of mind games is a horse of a different colour and does not bode well at all.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 03/01/2021 10:40

You need to speak to people in relationships with people with illnesses or mental health problems. People on here who have no frame of reference won’t understand and will likely just to tell you to leave him. Ignore those people and go find a forum with people in that position. And ask advice from people who better understand this area

As someone who spent over a decade in a relationship with someone with MH issues I stand by what I said earlier - it's rarely worth it. Mine was my (now Ex) husband whose problems really man is feared after our wedding. I worked so hard for so many years - no way would I have stuck around if we'd been dating for just 4 months. Life is not a movie where a woman with a glittering personality and pretty face comes along and selves all a man's problems. This is likely him forever now, the struggles are so intense and who really likes anyone enough to put up with that shit?

Templetree · 03/01/2021 10:49

@Puffpuff77

I'm not a mug and any other women who meets him won't be a mug either. Unfortunately the tablets mess him up and that's why he avoids them. But when he's in agony and takes them his moods get bad. I am not making excuses at all. I'm just saying it's a side effect of his meds. The ones he's on should be very short term but he's going to need them for life. It's sad. But now I've seen a snippet of how he reacts I have made a decision.

I've not made a big statement about it being over. But I have told him I was only calling to check he's abit better and I will confirm it with him later when the tablets are out his system. But I will be telling him. I'm just not going to add more stress onto him until he's with it.

I would reverse this and think that he is self medicating because of his MH issues not that he takes them for pain and the tablets mess him up. If someone has such awful pain they dont randomly take pain relief every now and again.

They have a pain management plan.
Opiates have been found to be ineffective in chronic pain conditions and so are rarely prescribed any more.
Before I get jumped on I have chronic pain myself and its not managed like this.
Did you post this before?
It sounds very familiar.
I agree with ending this now .

VeganCow · 03/01/2021 10:53

Lets just say he did overdose or whatever, why would you be responsible? For not calling him all day?!
End it, because the whole relationship will be based on how he is feeling each day. Your needs won't come into it, ever.

wildraisins · 03/01/2021 10:56

You're not responsible for this or for anything he does.

It's really your decision if you feel it is worth sticking around and supporting him, but it sounds like the relationship will be one-sided. These kinds of issues don't go away overnight and you are seeing a side of him that is very much a part of him, even though it hasn't come up a lot yet.

You will have to live with this as well as the good things about him if you choose to carry on seeing him. Can you do that? If not, there is absolutely no shame - you've only been with him 4 months and you have no obligation to him.

Yeahnahmum · 03/01/2021 11:02

End it op. Quickly.
Or youll end up waisting years of your life on this man...

user1471565182 · 03/01/2021 11:08

If its opiods he takes they used to make me really nasty and short tempered. Its like you're in this warm bubble and people are nagging you. I wouldnt put up with it. Id question why he told you so soon about his suicide attempt as well, probably a means of control.

user1471565182 · 03/01/2021 11:12

I agree with others comments as well. Id be a bit suspicious about how hes taking his medication and what hes taking.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/01/2021 11:17

My ex husband was like that. I tried to help - I tried to ‘fix’ things. For years. I made myself ill doing it. You did the right thing op.

Lollyneenah · 03/01/2021 11:23

You didn't cause this, you can't change this and you can't cure this.
Keep that on repeat in your head OP.

billy1966 · 03/01/2021 11:26

4 months is absolutely nothing in terms of getting to know a partner.

Keep him and his instability away from your children.

You have serious responsibilities to protect your children.

Don't be dragged into fixing someone.

I would be very concerned about his drug taking, it reads like he is an addict.

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