Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

[Puffpuff77]

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

I’m afraid after 4 months you can’t really know what he is normally like.
Anyone can pretend to be anyone for that amount of time. The mask soon slips though.
If someone tells you who they are listen.

Run for the hills and don't look back!!

@Cccc111 as a child of someone with a severe mental health issue (but which I mean in and out of mental health units over a number of years) I feel I speak with experience to say the OP should not expose her children to this. They have to be her priority, not, respectfully, some random man she's known five minutes

It’s not your job to make him “happy”
He’s emotionally unready for a relationship and needs time o deal with his issues.

No. Just don't continue with this. You will be propping him up forever and putting up with this behaviour. I'm sorry he has back problems, and I'm sure it's difficult for him, but a lifetime of being a carer is not what you willingly go into at the beginning of a relationship. It's doomed to failure

4 months in?

You have just seen the real him. This is the man you are deciding to be in a relationship with or not. I know you want the man back that you had before but he was never real

Agree after 4 months I’d be walking and not looking back.
Depression is horrible, I have seen many of my friends try to maintain their relationships where depression has been a long term factor and none of the relationships has lasted as unfortunately the depression and resentment tears them apart.
I had PND and took an overdose, I was horrible wife and horrible mother during that time and once I’d recovered my DH needed counselling to process it all. We haven’t had as many children as we would have liked because I can’t risk that again.
Hopefully he’ll get to a more stable place and be able to start a relationship with someone else in the future but after 4 months I wouldn’t be putting up with that.

He only survived because he messaged someone and said goodbye and they called an ambulance

If you send somebody a message, saying “I’m killing myself, goodbye, whatever you do don’t call an ambulance to 35 Acacia Avenue”, you fully intend to be found and rescued. Unless it is something like jumping under a train or off a cliff, where you expect death to be instantaneous.

That doesn’t mean he wasn’t in great psychological distress, and plenty of parasuicide attempts “go wrong” and the person inadvertently manages to kill themselves. But I would reframe your image of that event a little. He manipulated his friend, like he is manipulating you.

I've just messaged him and said shall I message you in the morning and said I love you and I care.

I will check on him tomorrow but romantically ive checked out.

Op, sadly I don’t think you have checked out. You’ve just rewarded him for shitty behaviour by telling him you live him.

4 months is nothing, get out now before you get enmeshed.

Nope. Get rid. No matter how depressed you are you dont get to treat people badly. If he's treating you like this after 4 months then imagine what it'll be like once you've been together years or trapped in home ownership or kids together

@TwentyViginti

He only survived because he messaged someone and said goodbye and they called an ambulance

Yeah my daughter has an ex who pulled this shit and exhibited other manipulative behaviours. She dumped him.

Six years on - he's still alive and kicking. He went on to abuse another woman who dumped him very quickly.

You know an awful lot about his past OP. All the 'poor me' narrative of his life. He's not looking for a relationship - he's looking for a whipping boy.

You already have kids - you don't need a man to mummy too.

Agree, it’s a very common trick. Don’t fall for it, OP.