Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

[Puffpuff77]

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

I have suffered from varying degrees of depression for a very long time. This is more than depression, that's abuse. Being depressed has never turned me into an abusive arsehole. Don't try to save him. Two weeks ago you said you loved him, he now thinks he's got you, and he can behave like a twat. The hills are thataway >>>>>

Clean break. Leave. Run.

It's sad but it seems like you've made the right decision.

When he's down he sounds quite manipulative and needy which isn't good. Sure chronic pain and depression are horrible and he has my sympathies but that's not a healthy way to deal with it. Like others said your attitude of trying to placate him and make him happy wasn't a healthy sign either. Best of luck for the future.

Lots alarm bells

• short relationship
• men who are abussive often start abusing when they have “captured” you - so after declaration love, proposal, birth child.
• you feel responsible for his mental health and behaviour.
• he uses strong prescription drugs for non cancer pain.

There is a saying - if someone shows you who they are believe them. Please run, seek help from GP, women’s aid,do not get involved with this man. 💐

XDown . I think you are very brave and honest and open. Go well.

Seriously- you can’t have a day apart without him shouting at you? A day without texts even though you know he’s asleep? He wants everything to revolve around him and for you to behave according to what’s in his head. If you don’t, he shouts, do you will next time...red flag Op. Call it a day or lose years to the shit of second guessing, walking on egg shells, becoming a minimised version of you.

Call it a day, it’s a massive red flag. My abusive, mentally unwell ex was lovely in the beginning too.

How many times have you actually met up since September?

The best thing about this is you haven't let him meet your DC yet & you know you won't accept his anger and unpredictable behaviour around your DC.

But telling him this has made him even more annoyed hasn't it.

What did you mean by He was saying about how daughter and everything too ?

OP, you sound like such a lovely person, but please stop trying to appease him.

Keep all of this time and energy for your DC, not for someone who it will never be enough for, you will meet someone one day, that you won't have to second guess.
Already you are treading on eggshells.

How much of your day are you spending thinking about how you could please him?

*I have gotten used to him sleeping in the day if he's not working. At first that got me down. I felt confused by it. But I've adapted.

*I thought I was doing the right thing today by not messaging him. It's like a minefield.

*The worst thing was he said I didn't understand him at all. He kept saying that and I was playing games

*He said oh so I've got to be your rock and never have a bad day

*I do tend to send a couple of nice chirpy things for him if he's in pain to cheer him up.

*I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid

*Have I done enough?

*We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy.

Again, spend the time with your DC

He says he is always like this on bad days. So he expects you to wear his inevitable temper tantrums. He even thinks it is fine to let you know what to expect.

I imagine he expects you to suck it up on those bad days, as he can’t possibly consider your feelings and learn to control his bad behaviour.

I am glad you are able to be realistic that you don’t see a future. Being the partner that is expected to wear his bad moods and nasty behaviour will wear you down, especially as your feelings are so hurt yet he believes he can’t help this.

I think you will have a lucky escape. You and your Dd deserve better.
He is responsible for seeking help for his mental health. You are not responsible for his bad moods and depression.

Unfortunately I think prior to this he has been hiding his true feelings and reactions to things in order to make a good impression. If you sweep this under the carpet and carry on, he will do it more and more. Unfortunately I think you must end this relationship.

You are not responsible for his actions. You can speak with kindness but you cannot stay with him just because you are worried about what will happen to him otherwise.

@HollyGenneroMcClane

You walk away. You end it now. You block him and move on. Everything he was up until this point was an act. And he kept that act up only for four months?!

Agreed.

He managed to keep up the act until you, and he, said you were in love. He thinks he’s got you now, and this is only the beginning of the mask falling. If you stay, his behaviour will worsen.

Run, OP, run!

Oh gosh don't get involved with a man like this.

OP I cannot stress this ENOUGH. This is his mask slipping after four months of wearing it.
He’s not rude because he’s stressed or in agony, he’s rude because he’s a RUDE MAN...and a NASTY MAN.

You don’t love him. It’s been four months. There’s no way you have strength of feeling for this person sufficient to give your own life over to a rude and nasty, manipulative, self-centred wanker like this.
It will be ALL about him.

Put your common sense hat on, see him for the disrespectful, selfish shit that he is and get fucking rid.
I am warning you.

“I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.”

You are being trained and manipulated by him already. He explained that this is how he gets on bad days did he? I hope you explained that he can fuck right off with his bad days then...or did you stroke his ego and take this bullshit seriously? He’s just told you he will treat you like shit at random and apparently you are expected to gaily put up with it.
Read between the lines ffs - this guy is fucking loser.

Run op..... never look back..... this is a sign of things to come

I understand the cause for this..... But you don't need this in your life... It will be repeated often and a miserable way to live.
My partner has days of being withdrawn, ignores me and the kids because he struggles with health issues every couple of weeks but we have to work around him behaving like this. He does sometimes rant about everyone, even us that bend over backwards to help him, it's a thankless job! He does then wind his neck in and I get over it the next day but its a repeated cycle when his issues flare up. But we have children together and I rely on him financially so we have to forgive and forget.
You however have the chance to foresee this, run, don't subject yourself to this

I think it's one of those things where you'll never know where you are with him and you'll always be scared of doing something wrong etc
It'll always be a guessing game for you - wondering if you're doing enough, wondering if you've upset him, I know he's asleep but should I send him a nice text for when he wakes or not.
Before you know it it'll all be on his terms, he is the master and you're the servant.
It's a no from me.
You can't do right from doing wrong.
If you don't break up I'd at least be telling him "don't you dare speak to me like that" so he knows you're no walkover

When you say you have detached romantically and will “slowly” pull back, that sounds worryingly like you’re going to end up in a drawn out emotional attachment, where you try to help him, partly to assuage your guilt and discomfort at no longer wanting to be his partner. This would be a disaster for both of you. You can just end it, politely and clearly. You do not need to stay around to offer support, and it would be so misguided to do so.

Why will you run away slowly? He has been revolting to you. Don’t compromise your own dignity to accommodate this shit. Swiftly turn heel and don’t look back!

Are you thinking you can be his 'friend' and support him without being his girlfriend? You know this won't work, right?

“I know alot of things about his past and I understand that this isn't personal.”

I feel compelled to respond. What do you mean it isn’t personal? You appear to be going down the ‘he can’t help it and he doesn’t mean it’ route. Don’t be naive. He can help it and he does mean it. He chooses who to be nasty to (you)...and expects you to accept it because it’s one of his ‘bad days’. He feels quite at liberty to treat you poorly. He chooses to and he is fine with it.

How desperate are you for a man, may I ask?

He said this morning he woke up feeling confused. Didn't know the day or time. Felt sad. Lonely. Attacked etc. I said yes I also felt attacked and it made me feel sad to be spoken to like that. He said well I felt sad too.

He's not sorry at all and he still thinks you should have done more to fix his mood. You really really need to cut contact with him for your own mental health.

He certainly won’t speak to his friends, colleagues or other people like he spoke to you. Why? Because he would rightly face the consequence of being rejected.
He can reel it in when he chooses to. It just so happens that he has spotted a willing target...and all under the guise of being in love.

Wake up.