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Original poster

Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

211 replies

Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:06

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

OP posts:
Darkbloom · 03/01/2021 00:31

How old is he OP?

Thefeep · 03/01/2021 00:32

I’d walk away now. I couldn’t put up with that.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2021 00:32

FFS. Run for your life. You would be mad to stay with him.

But I can't bare the thought of him overdosing again.

That's called his problem and nothing you're responsible for. Stop thinking you need to save or fix him.

Sparklesocks · 03/01/2021 00:33

As others say OP, it shouldn’t be this difficult or stressful only a few months in. He shouldn’t take his pain out on you, and you shouldn’t stay with him solely because you’re worried about what he’ll do if you leave. I think you know this deep down, and you clearly care for him, but you need to consider your needs too.

CoffeeCreamandSugar · 03/01/2021 00:33

You don’t deserve this treatment. I would move on and give him a wide berth.

Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:33

Thanks for the replies. Mental health is so hard. I am very new to this level of it. He's such a happy person normally, full of love and always says he would do absolutely anything for me. He wants to be happy after agony and years of suffering. But I just don't think I want this. My last partner was such a gentle soul and not once in 8 years did he get even close to speaking to me how this chap has tonight.

I could see in the way he was talking that he was lashing out in a destructive way. Because he moaned everyone was pestering him. Then moaned he hadn't had anything from me all day. I told him I had responded to him at 3pm to a random message he sent me half asleep. He had no memory of that. But I do tend to send a couple of nice chirpy things for him if he's in pain to cheer him up.
Basically his backs killing him and he's overwhelmed.
But I think I need to back off now. I've always accepted his situation and knew there were times he wouldn't be as with it. But I have children that he hasn't met yet and I said to him on the phone tonight about that. I said I have little kids so I can't have a relationship like this. He was even rude about that. He said oh so I've got to be your rock and never have a bad day. I said no I have children and can not have ups and downs like this. I told him nobody had ever spoken to me like that before. Because they haven't. If I've bickered with men in the past it's just harmless bickering. But for someone to flip and blame me for such a tiny message offering space.

He did say to me when you love someone or you are close to someone a little comment they make can feel really personal.

Ahhh all of of it just feels abit concerning and I just hope he doesn't hurt himself.

I'm sad for him. Because that's such an extreme reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:34

He's 45

OP posts:
StartingGrid · 03/01/2021 00:36

You owe him nothing, and you are not responsible for his actions. Please put yourself first, and ditch him.

katy1213 · 03/01/2021 00:37

You know - it's early days - you'll soon get over him. You really don't want this kind of erratic behaviour in your life. He's not your responsibility and whatever he chooses to do to himself is up to him.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 03/01/2021 00:38

I think the pain is a smoke screen. He sounds like an abusive arse. He is unstable, op. You can’t continue this relationship. It would be incredibly selfish of you to continue seeing an unstable man when you have children. Dont put his wants above your children’s needs.

lavenderlove · 03/01/2021 00:38

"Out of character" sorry op but you have known him 4 months. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for 4 months!

If you're already this worried that you're going to cause him to overdose (by doing what exactly?!) then you're setting yourself up for a life of walking on egg shells, not daring to ever bring up anything you're unhappy about "just in case".

I would leave now whilst you have no ties

SilverRoe · 03/01/2021 00:39

So he’s had bad pain days before and taken painkillers before. But this time he snapped. Seems interesting timing it is after you both declare you love each other. He’s already using it based on your latest update - ‘oh when you
love someone...’

And he feels fine to turn it back on you and your concerns for the impact on parenting or your kids if he was around them.

Sorry but sounds to me like declaring love has given him ‘permission’ to expect things of you (like mind reading) and for you to accept treatment by him (like this outburst) that before he held back from.

He’s bad news.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/01/2021 00:40

It’s not on you to stop him “doing something stupid”, he’s an adult and needs to be responsible for his own health, mental and physical.

However if this is your first experience of him in a lot of pain and you didn’t know what he needed from you, this has been a useful exercise for you. You both clearly have different ways of dealing with downtime and disagreements. These are the things you learn about each other over time.

My DP and I have very different needs around alone time/contact etc and it’s taken years (in fact I’ve had to remind him again tonight about what I need from him to feel cared for and secure, after 8 years!)

If you truly love him you will understand that when he’s in pain he may be snappy. That doesn’t give him the right to be abusive or nasty, but it doesn’t sound to me like he has been either.

If you want to maintain the relationship you should send a message to say that you love him and hope he’s feeling better tomorrow. That’s just common courtesy to me.

By all means bail, but given that you knew he had a chronic pain condition and was prone to bouts of depression so it seems unfair to expect him to be tip top at all times.

PolkadotGiraffe · 03/01/2021 00:40

He's taking out his issues on you when you've only just started dating. This will not end well if you continue it. Clearly he is not in a fit state of health/ mind to be starting a new relationship and should not have started dating you: this is not your fault and you are not responsible for propping him up or being his emotional punchbag. Walk away.

JuliaCheeser · 03/01/2021 00:41

It's not your responsibility to fix him. Don't fall into that trap.

People have poor health, mental and physical.

It does not give them a right to be horrible to people who care about them. Most people who have poor health, know this, and manage to respect their partners.

Ditch him, his treatment of you won't get any better in the long term.

Twintub · 03/01/2021 00:42

Lots of harsh commments! The long and the short of it is people’s mental health is an extremely difficult thing and often not cured but controlled. If you want to devote time and energy to seeing this bloke through the dark days and the good days then that’s very admirable and way more than I could do myself. If you don’t see yourself dealing with these MH swings then I would break it off it’s not for the faint hearted.

Thehop · 03/01/2021 00:42

Dump him

FlamedToACrisp · 03/01/2021 00:43

I was going to say, give him another chance, talk it through, etc.

But having been in a relationship with someone who behaves like that for mental-health-and-chronic-pain reasons for 20 years...RUN.

He had four months to warn you and prepare for his 'bad' days. He didn't, because he actually didn't see why you shouldn't just put up with being treated unfairly and unkindly by someone who claims to love you.

RUN. You will feel offended, hurt, sad and guilty for a short time. Trust me, I wish I had.

Lalliella · 03/01/2021 00:43

Imagine if your kids heard him speaking to you like that OP. You wouldn’t want them to think it was acceptable to treat someone in that way. I really don’t think there is a future with him, sorry.

Rubybluesy · 03/01/2021 00:43

Run for the hills

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/01/2021 00:44

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid.

Please please please OP, don't let yourself be trapped by this. I wasted some very unhappy years in a relationship with someone who told me early on that he had attempted suicide in the past. I put up with so much shit because I was frightened of triggering another suicide attempt.

It is not your responsibility. He will crush you if you let him -- whether he means to or not, he will.

Hailtomyteeth · 03/01/2021 00:45

RUN!

As fast as you can. Away from him.

DramaAlpaca · 03/01/2021 00:45

He's been very unpleasant today. There is no doubt that at some point he will shout at you again. You have children, you can't take the risk of someone who is supposed to care about you flipping his lid again.

You aren't responsible for trying to make him happy or for improving his mental health. I know it's hard when you've got feelings for him, but he's not your problem to solve. I'd advise you to end it.

Twiddlet · 03/01/2021 00:48

YANBU. It’s an enormously stressful and draining process when you’re trying to support someone with mental health issues who isn’t in a place to be in a functioning relationship- their emotional rollercoaster takes you along with it, and in his case this it could include another suicide attempt. This just isn’t something you should be feeling accountable for in any way.

This is who he is and who he has been for a long time. The first four months were spent without you seeing this side of him. It’s the reality that if you stay with him it’s very likely that your life will be a constant emotional up and down like this, with your feelings affected by his. It’s a terrible existence to commit to and I’d be looking for the door as you are looking at a future of emotional chaos with him.

BenoneBeauty · 03/01/2021 00:49

Oh Op, so sorry to hear this but I agree with everyone else - you need to run as far away as possible. You are not responsible for him or his mental health and you'll end up a nervous wreck and walking on eggshells over time.

In the words of Maya Angelou (paraphrasing) when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

Hope you're strong enough to get rid Op. You deserve so much more.