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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cant believe how he just spoke to me what would you do?

211 replies

Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 00:06

I've been dating a man for 4 months. He's been nothing but wonderful. We are very close and have had some of the best times and conversations. 2 weeks ago we told eachother we loved eachother and I didn't think things could get any better.

He has a history of depression and once tried to end his life due to chronic back pain. But you wouldn't know based on his personality. He sometimes takes a controlled drug from the gp for his back and it wipes him out. He wakes up. Calls me or texts and is jolly and back to normal.

14 hours he slept today. Then he messages me to say he switched his phone off and woke up to loads of messages and missed calls. I asked if he felt better and if he needed some space for a couple of days (he switched his phone off for peace) He said he felt shit and lonely. Snapped in the message about me doing as I pleased so I called him.

He shouted at me. He said the last thing I should have said is does he want me to leave him alone. Accused me of playing mind games? Wouldn't let me speak. Told me he was sick of everything and feels like he's failed. Wanted to switch his phone off and fuck everyone. He went.

I sat for a while thinking that's us over. I didn't deserve such a nasty call. Then I thought about his mental health. Called him back. He was slightly calmer. But told me he hadn't heard anything from me all day. I said I know you are asleep that's why. We spoke for abit but I couldn't make him happy. He's completely defeated. Angry. Upset. He explained this is how he gets on bad days. I asked where we go from here and he snapped that one little row and I'm ready to call it quits.

In any other case I'd be fuming and he would be dumped. But this is so out of character and very much a self destructive mental health thing.

Have I done enough? I've tried my best to listen and speak kind words back.

Do I just leave him to it now or have I got a responsibility to make sure he's ok? I could never forgive myself if he does something stupid. But I don't know if I will ever feel the same after tonight. Any experience on mental health?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 08:05

I'm not going to be his friend or girlfriend after last night. I have checked he's alive that's all. I've done my bit. He can go to someone else for support.

. He was off his face and in agony. Yes it's his choice to react and clearly hasn't learned to control his emotions. But he's hurting. Not saying he's right at all. He has no right. But he is hurting. He is. I can't write everything on here but there's alot of bad things and he has just had a bad luck life. There are many men walking this earth like it. They can't help it. It's easy to say they can. But they can't. The are depressed and sad and in pain.

But no I'm not the women to deal with it. I've said that. Not desperate for a man.

I was hurt by his words but was able to ignore it to an extent to make sure he wasn't going to harm himself. No matter what I should or shouldn't be treated like id help the most rude person on the planet if they were going to kill themselves. I really would. By that I'd have contacted someone in his family or an ambulance. That's all.

Hope this makes sense I'm tired. But it's over between us. There is no future.

OP posts:
blubberball · 03/01/2021 08:11

I had one like this. I had to block him. Whatever he does, it is not your responsibility to fix him or save him. He is not ready for a relationship and needs to sort himself out. Good luck op Flowers

Seraphinesupport · 03/01/2021 08:13

Were depression doesn't make you shit on people who don't deserve it. A twat personality will do that. Run, imagine having kids and all of you walking on eggshells in case he fires at you

Pinkyandthebrainz · 03/01/2021 08:13

Run and don't look back. His mental health is not your problem.

pictish · 03/01/2021 08:14

I don’t believe you, I think he’ll click his nasty bastard fingers and you’ll go trotting for more of the same, while telling yourself he doesn’t mean it and he loves you really.

Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 08:17

I won't. Believe me. I dont remember the other him already. It was that much of an opposite personality. It put me off like a switch being flipped. I was just listening to his attitude and thought who the fuck is this I don't even know this bloke. It's scary that he has that in him. He was childish. Rude. Thought he was entitled to say those things.

I would never consider him for my children now. Never. Absolute no!

OP posts:
pictish · 03/01/2021 08:19

Sorry I am being so blunt btw - I have been where you are. Exactly where you are.
You’re not his mother, his nurse, his therapist, his personal assistant or his toilet. You’re his brand new girlfriend and he should be pulling out all the stops to impress you and win you...but conversely, he’s spraying shit over everything and telling you that’s your lot.
Why would you settle for so little?

Cokie3 · 03/01/2021 08:21

OP, good on you, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your DC, and even though he doesn't know it yet, him as well because it might be a wake up call to him and he might seek better help.

Cokie3 · 03/01/2021 08:21

Does he know it's over? Have you told him yet?

Ismellphantoms · 03/01/2021 08:22

I'm glad you have decided to get out of the relationship. You can't live with someone messing with your head like that. My DH has agonising back pain and is on heavy duty painkillers, but stays a sweet and loving person however bad the pain.

pictish · 03/01/2021 08:24

He won’t seek help. He’ll wait for another mug to pop up and he’ll treat her with the same contempt.

allthewaterinthetap · 03/01/2021 08:25

He's trying to see what he can get away with.

Sortyourbonce · 03/01/2021 08:26

Yes it's his choice to react and clearly hasn't learned to control his emotions He thinks his emotions are completely normal, so he doesn't need to learn to control them.

Does he drink & smoke weed to medicate?

What did you mean by He was saying about how daughter and everything too ?

KatySun · 03/01/2021 08:26

I hope you have a nice, restful day today. I have not read all of the posts, only yours.
I think you are right to leave this relationship. You need your head clear for your Dc and this man’s behaviour is emotionally manipulative, whether intentionally or not. You would be dancing on eggshells to avoid a repeat occurrence.

Letting someone into your DC’s lives is a privilege and you would never be sure now if this man would snap or bring a level of emotional difficulties which they should not have to deal with.
It is hard work being a single parent, but easier to be yourself than bring more difficulties into your lives.

I am sorry you have been hurt, though, you are a braver person than me even trying a relationship. But your boundaries are fully intact and that is a good thing.

Sometimes123 · 03/01/2021 08:28

Sounds like you'll be walking on eggshells for along time. Give this some real thought. Thankfully you've been given an early opportunity to see how this person behaves and I'm crossing my fingers for you that it doesn't get any worse..the question is 'can you live with this behaviour in the long term?' Please remove any expectation that you're going to be able to 'fix' this person. So the only question that remains is 'how long can you tolerate this behaviour?' This question alone causes huge alarm bells to ring because 'surely we shouldn't have to tolerate this behaviour, especially in a brand new relationship?'

Your concerns about this person's mental health should not (in my opinion) be a reason to stay with them. If you feel this way after 4 months, you're going to feel even more trapped in future. Try to remove their mental health from your decision making process. This is about you and about what you want for your future.

If this person experiences a significant impact in terms of their mental health, there are professionals who can assist them.

BeepBoopBop · 03/01/2021 08:28

@SilverRoe

So he’s had bad pain days before and taken painkillers before. But this time he snapped. Seems interesting timing it is after you both declare you love each other. He’s already using it based on your latest update - ‘oh when you love someone...’

And he feels fine to turn it back on you and your concerns for the impact on parenting or your kids if he was around them.

Sorry but sounds to me like declaring love has given him ‘permission’ to expect things of you (like mind reading) and for you to accept treatment by him (like this outburst) that before he held back from.

He’s bad news.

This ^

Please don't set yourself up for years of treading on eggshells - it destroys your confidence. He is already gaslighting you by 'not remembering' his message. Do his chronic back problems & depression interfere with his job?

thecutback · 03/01/2021 08:30

Goodness, sorry OP, but I think you're better off out. It's sad but you'll only be subjecting yourself to more and more of this behaviour

Sometimes123 · 03/01/2021 08:31

Sorry, just read that you have made your decision. It is a sound one. I wish you the best for the future. Flowers

Original poster
Puffpuff77 · 03/01/2021 08:33

I'm not a mug and any other women who meets him won't be a mug either. Unfortunately the tablets mess him up and that's why he avoids them. But when he's in agony and takes them his moods get bad. I am not making excuses at all. I'm just saying it's a side effect of his meds. The ones he's on should be very short term but he's going to need them for life. It's sad. But now I've seen a snippet of how he reacts I have made a decision.

I've not made a big statement about it being over. But I have told him I was only calling to check he's abit better and I will confirm it with him later when the tablets are out his system. But I will be telling him. I'm just not going to add more stress onto him until he's with it.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 03/01/2021 08:35

Mental Health isn't a catch all excuse for everything. Put your children first, you know this isn't a healthy relationship to expose them to.

tobedtoMNandfart · 03/01/2021 08:38

I beg to differ. You are making an AWFUL LOT of excuses for him.

It sounds like part of how you value yourself is as someone 'who would do anything to help another'. That's a pretty toxic combination in this scenario. (I accept in other situations that this would be admirable. NOT THIS ONE)

Follow your instincts. Put your children first and protect them and you from his dysfunction.

pictish · 03/01/2021 08:38

“I am not making excuses at all. I'm just saying it's a side effect of his meds.”

You are making excuses. But that’s fine, it’s your choice. I’ve given my opinion and I don’t want to hammer you with it any more.
All the best.

justilou1 · 03/01/2021 08:38

I’m dubious about the pain meds, tbh... perhaps they are the cause. Could this man be an addict? He is behaving like one.

DottyFlossie · 03/01/2021 08:41

Good luck for the future OP. You are doing the right thing putting yourself and your DC first.

TartanLassie · 03/01/2021 08:43

I think you will look back on this thread and roll your eyes at yourself, well if you do indeed stay away from him.

You are making so many excuses from him and I just hope for your children's sake that you are the strong independent woman who puts her kids first. Are you a lot younger than him?