Hiding from people-not normal is it 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Newyearsameme2021]

Feeling quite embarrassed to be writing this, but wanting to check that my ‘Quirks’ weren’t totally weird.
For example, if we see people we know when we’re out, for a walk or whatever, my first instinct is to want to hide from them 🤷🏻‍♀️I sometimes feel so awkward, is that normal? It really depends what mood I’m in but the majority of the time I’d rather not bump into people I know. I suppose I have social anxiety? I’ve had friends all my life but don’t greatly love social situations unless I’m really in the mood. If I’m in a certain mood, it can take all my nerves/energy to even meet up with a good friend for a coffee, a friend who I know loves me and we have a great time and I always feel better afterwards..what’s wrong with me? Does anyone else feel like this?
I also hate if people just ‘Drop by’ to the house and we rarely have anyone aside from family over.
I was always a strange mix of quite shy at some points when younger and outgoing. As a teen I was out every night with a big group of friends..
I’m worst socially at work and can sometimes barely feel like having a conversation, I hate making other people feel awkward and am surprised I have any friends at all, being like this.
What’s wrong with me and why can’t I just be easy and outgoing like other people?

@Newyearsameme2021 I'm very similar to you and I'm highly introverted. The difference for me is I'm happy and I just accept that's who I am.

The only thing is though is that I do really get on with people, make friends easy and form close friendships but I cannot maintain them so "best friends" have fallen by the way side. My only remaining friends are those who accept me for who I am.

I do think it's easier for introverts to have friendships with people who have their own stuff going on. I am mid twenties and in my late teens early twenties lost touch with previous friends because they (fairly) wanted a lot of my time. Now I have friends who have kids it is much easier to deal with.

But yes running into people I know when out and about is one of my worst nightmares 😅

[quote Newyearsameme2021]@littlepattilou I’m not happy to be like this, no. I feel most comfortable at home with my little family and turn down so many invitations when I shouldn’t really, but then if I see pics of people all out together, I feel low and sort of left out, but they haven’t left me out!
It seemed to have got much better when I had my Dd and I met lots of new mums and had her as my little sidekick, meetings felt easier. But then I’ll have almost a strange lull in confidence and those feelings will come back, lockdown hasn’t helped at all as we were in a good pattern of twice weekly meet ups.
When I think of my behaviour (sometimes, other times it isn’t so bad) I realise it’s not the norm and never tell anyone.
For example, I’ve had a couple of occasions where we’ve been invited to children’s birthday parties (toddler Dd and I) I’ve bought the present, got us all ready etc, then driven to the venue and driven away as I couldn’t make myself go in..never told anyone all this, even my dp.
Other times, I’m pretty confident and am ok with it or can at least force myself to be.[/quote]
It’s fine to be less sociable than others, or not want unplanned meet-ups, or need time alone to recover after a few hours of being sociable, but accepting an invitation to an event and just not turning up is really rude. I didn’t know any other mums when I had my daughter, and made an effort to make acquaintances/ friends, but I remember dreading the first proper birthday party she had in case no one turned up. Wasn’t your DD upset at not going to the party? As she gets older, these things will be more important to her and she’ll understand when she misses out.

@surelynotnever Did you actively take steps to change things?

Does anyone else also feel their chat comes across as boastful? I hate small talk.and tend to talk about my children or or offer advice based on . . Mine did that too, have you tried x? Which I then realise just looks like a smug mum that everyone would want to avoid anyway.

Does anyone else have it with neighbours too? Like if I’m just heading out and then see a neighbour coming out to their car, I wait to go out of the door and leave the house, until they’ve driven off..it’s freaking weird! 😂

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if someone has mentioned this, but you might like the book "Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come: An Introvert's Year of Living Dangerously" by Jessica Pan - if this is something you are thinking about changing.

@DayBath

Extroverts recharge their batteries by seeing other people.

Introverts need to be away from people to recharge their batteries.

Both groups enjoy the company of others, it's just that introverts find social interactions draining and if they don't have enough mental and emotional reserves then unexpected encounters can feel unwelcome. It's just a part of who you are, it's not something to be corrected or ashamed of.

Totally agree. This is Introvert/ extrovert thing.

@Newyearsameme2021

Does anyone else have it with neighbours too? Like if I’m just heading out and then see a neighbour coming out to their car, I wait to go out of the door and leave the house, until they’ve driven off..it’s freaking weird! 😂

Yes, if I see my neighbour go out I wait until they have driven off before I go out 🤣, I hate the telephone too and only really speak to my mum on the phone.

@EllieQ She was only really teeny back then. It was a huge party at a huge house with many mums (majority I’d never met. I realise it wasn’t the right thing to do but almost had some type of panic attack as I parked around the corner. They were all very wealthy too which added another layer to it all. I definitely wouldn’t get Dd ready now and not turn up as she’s at an age where if I told her we were going somewhere she might understand-2.6 months. It is awful and makes me feel terrible afterwards, almost makes me want to admit defeat and not agree to go at all. Most times I can go and I enjoy it afterwards.

@LadyPips that's interesting that you find it's related to your cycle as well, it's only in the last few months that I've worked this out. I'm not looking forward to menopause, I think some of us are more sensitive to hormones than others.

Not read whole thread but I'm like this too. I actually enjoy some social occasions, but I hate bumping into people and having to stop and chat - even if I like them - when I'm busy doing something else or getting on with something on my own. It's hard work and draining for me.

I used to live in a kind of long cul-de-sac where you couldn't go anywhere without bumping into multiple neighbours and being expected to stop and chat. I know some people would love that but it was so stressful for me! I hid behind parked vans a LOT :o

I'm autistic and always hide and avoid if I see people that I could end up in awkward chat with!! Im not socially anxious though, I just find the whole thing tedious and exhausting. I just prefer to be able to get on with my day without interruption. I won't even go for a coffee alone in my hometown in case someone knows me but can happily do it elsewhere, although I did once get caught out on holiday with DH - r ent to a seaside town for the weekend and he was in one of the amusement arcades with the D.C. when he bumped into someone I went to school with and he said to her 'oh hi, Yankee is in Starbucks' so she came looking for me!!

Yep I'm exactly the same. I think I feel better if I can 'prepare' for social encounters. I hate unexpected things. Also, I have been known to not recognise people if I see them outside of the usual context, which can be excruciatingly embarrassing!

Not weird at all, I hate unexpected social interactions, I'd hide from my best friend if I wasn't expecting to see her and I'm an extrovert!

Don't worry OP, I am very anti social. (My whole family were). I can remember, when my little brother was 4 and the parental home was a more messy than usual and I had my hair wound up on my head in pins, he was gazing out at the front path and said (he liked big words), "Incidentally, the Browns are coming up the path". I didn't believe him but he insisted they were and I panicked, saying, "Oh no! What shall we do?" - his immediate response was (admirably) was, "Let's hide!"

I would not describe you as wrong in any way, OP. Having a trait you wish to change because you see benefits in doing so does not make the trait wrong to begin with.

Others have suggested useful ideas. Good luck.

@cherrypiepie @Newyearsameme2021 I actually felt quite emotional reading your replies and others comments, feels so strange knowing others understand! I want to get better at dealing with stuff, like when my friend rings for a random chat - just answering instead of muting the call then trying to think up an elaborate excuse to text as to why I can't speak on the phone... Or when Covid is over, and our neighbor knocks on our door (who has kids in my kids school) to invite them in for an unplanned brew instead of an awkward conversation ending with a lie/excuse/awkward exit

Thanks for this thread

@Newyearsameme2021 I hope I didn’t make you feel bad about it. I just wanted to put another point of view across. I used to be socially awkward, but as I’ve got older I stopped caring about what other people thought of me.

whereas I imagine people who aren’t like this probably think ‘What’s up with her?’

I mean this kindly, but sometimes giving people you know the cold shoulder does make them think this, or, as I said earlier, it makes them feel that they have said or done something to upset you. It’s the blowing hot and cold that people don’t like and don’t understand.

Just saying a breezy "hello, sorry I must dash" just shows that you are being polite, but don't want to talk, and is much nice than just turning your back on someone.

What I would say to you though is that it’s not fair on others to accept invitations and then not turn up, especially for kids’ parties. You do really need to try and overcome it for situations like that, where you’re affecting other people

I agree with Lalliella. It isn’t fair on the birthday child, your own child or on the parent who might have paid for your child’s place.

I don't think it's normal to just 'casually drop by'. It's rude tbh

It is to you, but not to a lot of people

It does sound that most of you suffer from some form of social anxiety. DD had this quite badly as a teen, and manages to keep it under control with anti-anxiety meds. Please don’t think you are a failure if you need to take them. It has improved her quality of life no end.

@GameSetMatch

Totally normal and totally British! I saw my husbands PA in Sainsbury’s last week, lovely lady very kind and polite, and I did what most sane people in this country would do, I went down another aisle to avoid her. Don’t worry just be yourself quirks and all!

I love this

@pepsicolagirl

Yeah my reflex is to hide when I see people I know (and like) and I have always been this way.

Yes me too unless they are people I really like. It ended up being a good basis for a Facebook friend cull - I thought, if I am hiding from them when I meet them outside, why on earth am I FB friends with them?

More generally, I have an instinct to cross the road when someone is walking towards me. That doesn't look out of place currently, but I have done it since about 1990!

and I did what most sane people in this country would do, I went down another aisle to avoid her.

I'm not sure most people would do this. I think introverts would do this, and extroverts wouldn't.

and I did what most sane people in this country would do, I went down another aisle to avoid her
I don't think that is very sane I'd think a highly anxious person would react this way.
I'm in the middle.
^I'm not sure most people would do this. I think introverts would do this, and extroverts wouldn't^
Yea can't even see any introverted people I know having a trolley dash reaction I'd advise counselling cbt and a trip to a gp for social anxiety.

OP you sound exactly like me! I hate running into certain people because I don't know what to say and it's so awkward. And I find any excuse to cancel seeing certain friends even though I know I'll have a good time when I actually see them. But when I'm in the right mood you can't shut me up. Hopefully it makes you feel better knowing there are others out here like you.

I'd recommend reading up about autism and see if any of it clicks with you. Sarah Hendrix on Youtube speaks about autism in women (which presents differently than in men). I only realised I'm autistic last year and finally all my quirks and foibles make sense.

I hate unexpected visitors too. Mostly because I’m not used to it, think it’s a bit rude to drop on people unannounced unless they are the type that are happy for you to do so, have two whirlwind sons (almost 6 asd, 3) that make it difficult to keep the house relatively tidy with the oldest usually in just his pants refusing to wear clothes most of the time, and this is the only space other than my commute that I don’t need to be social. I work retail so I’m constantly helping and talking to people and as much as I enjoy it. I like to go home and recharge afterwards. I also like going out alone because it’s the only time also other than my commute that no one needs me or I have to be on alert. I would like to meet up or make more friends but I find I have to decide between going out alone on the rare occasion I get for a day or being social and having to plan another day. Saying that, when I go to events on my own, I’m still able to chat with random strangers and I do chat with lots of different people online when I’m gaming and on social media.

My husband is less social than me and his job entails him talking to clients, doing talks and speeches and he also doesn’t like unexpected visitors (grew up with a revolving door of family coming in and out and hated it) or people really (his words). No one would even guess this or that he often would get sick in the loo with nerves before doing talks for years before he finally got used to it.

You’re definitely not weird OP nor alone.