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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hiding from people-not normal is it 🤷🏻‍♀️

209 replies

Newyearsameme2021 · 01/01/2021 14:36

Feeling quite embarrassed to be writing this, but wanting to check that my ‘Quirks’ weren’t totally weird.
For example, if we see people we know when we’re out, for a walk or whatever, my first instinct is to want to hide from them 🤷🏻‍♀️I sometimes feel so awkward, is that normal? It really depends what mood I’m in but the majority of the time I’d rather not bump into people I know. I suppose I have social anxiety? I’ve had friends all my life but don’t greatly love social situations unless I’m really in the mood. If I’m in a certain mood, it can take all my nerves/energy to even meet up with a good friend for a coffee, a friend who I know loves me and we have a great time and I always feel better afterwards..what’s wrong with me? Does anyone else feel like this?
I also hate if people just ‘Drop by’ to the house and we rarely have anyone aside from family over.
I was always a strange mix of quite shy at some points when younger and outgoing. As a teen I was out every night with a big group of friends..
I’m worst socially at work and can sometimes barely feel like having a conversation, I hate making other people feel awkward and am surprised I have any friends at all, being like this.
What’s wrong with me and why can’t I just be easy and outgoing like other people?

OP posts:
Lemonjlo · 01/01/2021 16:10

I’m exactly the same.
Most of my closest friends are from secondary school and I’ve found it quite hard to really form bonds since. I had quite a few good friends at uni but found it hard to like to people on my course or in halls.
I’ve found it hard to break into social circles wherever I’ve worked so don’t really have any work friends. But weirdly I get on with a lot of mums in the local area- maybe having kids and common ground to talk about has helped (I always used to think of this as ‘the script’ - “how olds your baby? How’s sleep? How’s weaning going? What schools are you looking at, etc etc)

ThelmaDinkley · 01/01/2021 16:11

I do this too. My mother and dh hate being alone and are “people persons” whereas me and dd are definitely not. I like seeing people just on my terms. Dd is currently being assessed for autism.

HTH1 · 01/01/2021 16:11

I totally get it and will sometimes change my course to avoid being spotted (I even once dumped a guy when I saw him and instinctively hid). No-one ever drops by and I would find it very intrusive if they did.

IfTheSockFits · 01/01/2021 16:15

@DayBath

Extroverts recharge their batteries by seeing other people.

Introverts need to be away from people to recharge their batteries.

Both groups enjoy the company of others, it's just that introverts find social interactions draining and if they don't have enough mental and emotional reserves then unexpected encounters can feel unwelcome. It's just a part of who you are, it's not something to be corrected or ashamed of. Smile

This is quite possibly the best post I have ever read on MN about the difference between introverts and extroverts.
SquareEyes3523 · 01/01/2021 16:16

Me and my DH did a duck and dive around the supermarket the other day as I just couldn't be bothered having to speak to my extremely extroverted acquaintance we spotted. She's very draining and I have to properly be ready to socialise with her.

What you have described sounds like a thing, I think social anxiety best fits. I'm similar. I have been diagnosed with OCD, no idea if it's related.

Do your emotions tie in with your cycle at all? I find that for about 10-13 days of the month I'm ok but the rest I'm an overthinking mess who gets overwhelmed easily. Maybe try tracking your moods to see if there is a pattern? I was shocked how my mood drops dramatically straight after ovulation.

I don't know if all that helps or not. Just know that it's OK to find people draining and need to recharge or to wait until you properly feel in the mood to go out. You sound like an introvert who likes occasional socialising and has some social anxiety. Maybe generalised anxiety as well?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 01/01/2021 16:17

Normal OP (I hope) I'm the same I've gone to down an isle and then not and carried on another way if I see someone I know, even though I like them! No idea why.

Tigerstripe20 · 01/01/2021 16:17

I wfh and may have to go back to the office in the future and I am already not looking forward to it having to mix and chat.
I have family and a lovely DH but I am happy to do my own thing, the thought of shopping trips and spa days would absolutely fill me with dread.
When we moved into our house my neighbours introduced themselves and said “ by the way we aren’t people who pop into each other’s houses” and I was so relieved, our neighbour can be a bit like the Op seemingly active in ignoring you but then super friendly. At first I thought it odd but it does make sense if you are introverted.
I don’t ignore people I just find it easier to keep to myself .

Morana23 · 01/01/2021 16:17

I'm exactly like this - I get so annoyed with myself like why can't I find this easy when everyone else seems to Grin one of my best friends is the complete opposite, their house is always full (well, pre Covid!) I'd be round there having a brew when random friends/neighbours walk in, sit down for a chat get a drink etc. It blew my mind cos I find it really difficult when people turn up unannounced at mine, or when I bump into someone unexpectedly - even when people call me I get nervous! Like anyone I'm not really close to.
I can be very confident and outgoing at planned social events, I'm chatty and friendly at work in customer serving hospitality role. Anything I know is coming I can prepare myself for and am fine. I dread planned outings with friends until I go, then end up having a lovely time and scolding myself for being so silly.
I accept myself for the way I am, I try not to be so hard on myself as we are all our unique selves, although I do worry I'm seen as rude sometimes. It comes from a place of insecurity rather than ignorance. I try to work on it and I think I am now more comfortable with things I used to really struggle with. I feel very comforted reading this thread that I am not alone in this! Flowers

GameSetMatch · 01/01/2021 16:18

Totally normal and totally British!
I saw my husbands PA in Sainsbury’s last week, lovely lady very kind and polite, and I did what most sane people in this country would do, I went down another aisle to avoid her. Don’t worry just be yourself quirks and all!

FestiveFruitloop · 01/01/2021 16:21

OP I could have written your post word for word. You're not weird or abnormal.

cherrypiepie · 01/01/2021 16:21

Ah yes this is also me. Have been known to whisper "hide quick" to whom ever I am with.

Also dropping off cards, collecting parcels, answering the phone. Answering the door. Anything that is not prearranged.

I'm not shy. I'm sociable and fun but I just don't understand this aspect. I will also feel mildly nervous (not right word) if I'm going to see friends unless best friend or close family. More so now after a year of not doing a thing at all sociable.

Newyearsameme2021 · 01/01/2021 16:24

@Morana23 Yes I’m the same! I always enjoy it and feel much better after I’ve been
I feel better with everyone’s comments too..I really didn’t expect many would feel like this.

OP posts:
cherrypiepie · 01/01/2021 16:24

@Morana23 your description is exactly my experience- I think there are more of us like this that we think which is comforting to know I am not alone.

I also think people perceive me as rude or stand- offish and even stuck up!

Newyearsameme2021 · 01/01/2021 16:26

@cherrypiepie Yes I’m exactly like that, I also don’t understand the sort of nervous feeling before meet ups..wish I could just be relaxed as I was when younger, when we’d all just be in and out of each other’s homes, I never felt nerves before meeting up..why has age done this 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Newyearsameme2021 · 01/01/2021 16:27

@SquareEyes3523 Yes, your last paragraph sounds pretty accurate 💐

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 01/01/2021 16:28

I’m very similar to @Pisteachios, exhibited this type of behavior since my teens but it suddenly spiraled out of control three years ago during a stressful period at work. I started having panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. and knew I had to get help.

I was also put on AD’s and had some CBT. For me, however, this combination really worked. I felt calmer after about three weeks and things have steadily improved since. Under my doctor’s guidance, I was able to reduce my dosage and came off medication a few months ago. So far, so good, but I have no qualms about going back on AD’s if the anxiety returns.

I think having a couple of years of reduced anxiety has changed my outlook on life somehow, I don’t worry about things so much and I’m not as self-critical. I suppose I’ve accepted who I am and probably appear more confident and relaxed- I’m pretty chatty.😂

So you might want to contact your doctor and talk it over. Anxiety can definitely be reduced.💐

OldWomanSaysThis · 01/01/2021 16:28

I know several people with social anxiety and it looks different on each. For one, she can't make outbound phone calls, Another can't make outbound emails. For both, when they must do these things, it's overly formal and stilted. It doesn't sound or read naturally. It's like they become someone else and they write or say what they think they are supposed to say and not just being authentic or being themselves.

One of these has the "white coat" anxiety when going to the doctor, too. She also won't go to a new store alone. She needs someone else to go with her so she doesn't have to "look stupid" about random things, like where do you pay? Where is the line? Which door do you go in? For her, it's all about not wanting to look foolish.

Another doesn't want the unexpected visitor, the unexpected encounter, the change in plans, the unexpected text. She's also a hoarder.

A couple of them won't answer the land line phone or answer the doorbell. A couple hate do deal with repair people who go to the house to fix things. They don't want the social encounter.

From what I can tell, it's a lack of confidence, worry about what people think, fear of being imperfect or vulnerable, trying to maintain some kind of image that isn't the true them, fear of losing control (for the random meetings in stores it is about saying the wrong thing or not being able to get away quickly - fear it will be an hour long chat in the aisle of a store because they think the other person has to bring the conversation to a close, because they feel like it's rude for them to do it - but yet they don't think the other person rude when they say, "Well it was nice chatting with you - gotta run.")

I always thought this is what Brene Brown's books are for.

LadyPips · 01/01/2021 16:28

@SquareEyes3523

Me and my DH did a duck and dive around the supermarket the other day as I just couldn't be bothered having to speak to my extremely extroverted acquaintance we spotted. She's very draining and I have to properly be ready to socialise with her.

What you have described sounds like a thing, I think social anxiety best fits. I'm similar. I have been diagnosed with OCD, no idea if it's related.

Do your emotions tie in with your cycle at all? I find that for about 10-13 days of the month I'm ok but the rest I'm an overthinking mess who gets overwhelmed easily. Maybe try tracking your moods to see if there is a pattern? I was shocked how my mood drops dramatically straight after ovulation.

I don't know if all that helps or not. Just know that it's OK to find people draining and need to recharge or to wait until you properly feel in the mood to go out. You sound like an introvert who likes occasional socialising and has some social anxiety. Maybe generalised anxiety as well?

I'm just like the OP and now in my 40's I definitely think it's at least somewhat related to my cycle. So much so that I try to organise social events at certain times of the month. There's about 10 days before my period where I can't seem to handle being social as my anxiety is at its worst.
MissGrayling · 01/01/2021 16:29

Thanks for writing this. You have made me feel normal. Despite being a fun and sociable person, I generally hate bumping into people. Whilst walking the dog today I saw some lovely neighbours - I couldn’t face the small talk and carried in walking so they wouldn’t spot us. Lots of my friends seem to spend lots of time meeting up (pre covid) for games nights or barbecues etc. I dread this type of thing, but really like my friends. I love my own space/being with my family. Always assumed I was a bit abnormal. Thanks for making me feel a little less weird.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 01/01/2021 16:29

I am much the same. Introverted. Good at masking when I have to. Very much prefer to be alone/do things alone. Need lots of down time after socialising so couldn't meet 2 friends in 1 day. I try really hard to accept how I am but do feel weird about it often.

imayhavelostmymarbles · 01/01/2021 16:30

Wow I thought this was only me.
That sinking feeling when you spot someone coming towards you and you just aren't feeling it. Or when the doorbell goes unannounced.
Antidepressants take the edge off but I have come to realise it is just part of me.
I'm loud, but introverted. Its taken me a good while to come to terms with this.
Would love to know others strategies for managing it . . .

surelynotnever · 01/01/2021 16:33

I used to be like that but have changed a lot over the years.

GrannieD · 01/01/2021 16:35

I find I'm using my mask more and more to avoid talking to people.

CakeRequired · 01/01/2021 16:35

I only hate unplanned social interactions like this if I can't remember who they are. Grin I know that I know them, I recognise them, but I have no idea what their name is. Just standing there chatting, trying to listen to what they are saying while also trying to remember who the hell they are. Makes me want to hide from embarrassment.

Letsdothis06 · 01/01/2021 16:37

EXACTLY the same here. And when we are due to have friends over I worry about it for days prior but always end up having a great time. I hardly ever answer the phone, and need to psych myself up to call friends or family. It feels like a chore and am exhausted after!
It's definitely anxiety for me, and fear of judgement. Getting so much worse with age!

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