to think it's not that odd that my DDs have never been to a hairdresser ( age 10 and 13)

[NotaChocoholic]

spoke to a friend last night and we got taking about hairdressers and the lockdown and I confessed that I haven't been to a hairdresser in 14 years and neither have my DDs (10 and 13).

I got quite good over the years in cutting hair. One DD has severe ASD and would not be able to cope anyways so DIY is less stressful. My other DD and I have very curly hair and I do a lovely dry curly hair cut (much better than most hair dressers - fellow curlies will know what I mean).

My friend was aghast and thought professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing. She didn't know about me doing our hair (I must cut well if it's not that obvious). I always thought it's quite normal what I do. Fwiw, I couldn't afford it anyways (lone parents on carers allowance).

But Aibu?

Hair cuts are so expensive for kids. My dd1 ( sn child) got her hair cut recently at the hairdressers, just a trim £17. She's almost 11 and when she is 11 the price goes up to £25. We won't be going back there again. YANBU

My partners started cutting my hair in lockdown and I cut his. We're actually amazed at how well it's gone! Saves me £50 a pop too.

I'll return to have my hair dyed but cutting at home works for us.

I don’t think YABU as it is expensive and can be stressful for children as well. I didn’t go to the hairdressers until I was 14 with a friend. My mum has a weird aversion to hairdressers and mostly cut her own and my own hair while I was growing up. Have to say it is one of my favourite things now though, and I guess in my teens I did start to feel a bit self conscious about having long straight hair that only ever got a trim. I think lack of conditioner was equally an issue in my house though! Starting to use that was a revelation!

It's not odd. I hated going to the hairdresser's until I was 17-18. I wish my mum knew how to cut our hair! If your kids are happy having it done at home and they look ok, carry on.

I now love going for a haircut but still only do so every 6 months, it's expensive. I have short hair and I'd love to cut it myself but I'm still a bit scared to try.

God I feel old!

It used to be the norm for children not to go to the hairdresser. I think I'd have been about 12 for my first haircut, because I wanted something different from just long hair worn in a ponytail/bun/bunches/hairband. Boys got a short back and sides at the barber's with their dad, and hairdressers were for your mum/aunties/grannies going for a perm or colour or their weekly set.

What I'm trying to say is - the idea of OP's friend that "professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing" is pretty damned recent. One more thing to make parents feel guilty if they don't, one more thing to make adolescents feel self-conscious about, and one more thing to make people spend money whether they have it or not.

YANBU and your friend needs to mind her own business. I couldn’t imagine not taking myself and DC to the salon regularly though. It’s an enjoyable experience and the hairdressers will take care of their hair in less time and far better than I could ever do.

I have ASD and find the whole experience of haircutting very stressful. I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but it just feels like massive sensory overload with all the noise of the salon, radio, dryers, cutting sounds, the feel of someone's hands on my head, the smell of all the products, the small talk and weird conversations, the other customers, the lights. As a child I used to have an instant meltdown, so my mum then friends cut my hair for ages. I've now found a hairdresser who doesn't chat, doesn't insist on washing, blowdrying or spraying anything, and lets me go in before proper opening time. I can cope with that, but still it's not easy and I only go twice a year.

There are comments on the thread that show a lack of understanding of autism and the social, communication and sensory problems it involves, especially the talk of 'desensitising'. When an autistic persons seems to learn to cope with social or sensory overload, it's because they are good at faking. I do this - I could probably get through a whole fancy cut/blowdry without you even knowing I'm autistic. But then I'd go home, curl up in a ball in a dark room and be unable to speak for several hours, and feel exhausted and extremely anxious for days afterwards.

We can't lose our sensitivity, because that's part of our autism, it's what we are. So if an autistic child is successfully 'desensitised', they've just learned to copy behaviour that makes little sense to them, and hide the stress, anxiety, and discomfort they are feeling. With me, and several of my autistic friends, this has led to mental breakdowns and poor mental health throughout our lives. So it's really upsetting to read the comments which seem to think outer behaviour is more important than helping a child to feel comfortable and taking account of their needs.

So YANBU to the OP. Your friend is ridiculously narrow minded if she thinks hairdressing is an essential part of anyone's childhood, and especially an autistic child.

I think 2020 has proved the value of being able to cut your kids hair
Yanbu

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars

Hair cuts are so expensive for kids. My dd1 ( sn child) got her hair cut recently at the hairdressers, just a trim £17. She's almost 11 and when she is 11 the price goes up to £25. We won't be going back there again. YANBU

I’m a hairdresser and this is why I don’t cut kids’ hair (apart from my own or those of friends). It takes me the same amount of time and skill as cutting an adult’s hair, in fact it often longer because they’re fidgeting or watching an ipad or something, you often end up cutting yourself if they’re a real wiggler, then the parents pull a catsbum face if you want to actually be paid for your working time in such a way as will enable you to make a profit. And then of course there’s all the idiots who bring their little darlings in crawling with nits, and get all rude and affronted when you tell them you can’t do the service (yes mrs boden it’s pretty inconvenient for me that i’ve lost money on this booking and now have to deep clean my entire station, but please do feel free to talk to me like dog shit because you’re embarrassed). So i just say ‘sorry no’ big smile and stick to adults.

Not unusual. I cut my own and DCs very curly hair. End of term DC requested and undercut to lighten the amount of hair and ease the maintenance of washing curly hair. Did that and DC is much happier and with hair worn down it’s not seen but much much more comfortable and easier to manage for them.

Nowt wrong with fixing your own hair. I’ve done mine for years. I can even put my own layers in.

@MadameButterface I would love an adults only salon here. Absolutely bite your hand off to go. It’s part of the reason I DIY my own hair. I cba with other people’s kids when I’m paying a pretty penny for a service that’s meant to make me feel good.

If you can do it well why not? The last time I went to the hairdressers with my 4yo they did a properly shit job. Her hair was completely wonky and I had to fix it. Over lockdown I’ve done two haircuts on her. One was rubbish tbh and the other ok. If I could do a good cut, I’m not sure I’d be back in a hurry. I’m desperate to get mine done. My self cuts have been dire.

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars

Hair cuts are so expensive for kids. My dd1 ( sn child) got her hair cut recently at the hairdressers, just a trim £17. She's almost 11 and when she is 11 the price goes up to £25. We won't be going back there again. YANBU

I think that’s cheap. You wouldn’t get a child’s haircut anywhere near those prices where I am.

I think it's a bit unusual but mostly because people don't have the skill to cut their own hair or their children's. I've cut my own and my families hair for years. We've all had many compliments and it was great during lock down. My daughter is a teen now and has always had really long hair. I only brought her to the hairdresser last year for the first time before a big night out. I paid a lot of money and was shocked at how bad it turned out. So I'll keep going as we are I think.

@Camenon - sorry to hear that!

I did snort rather at the poster who commented "of course it's a pleasurable experience" to go to the hairdresser - clearly hadn't read most of the comments, there's no "of course" about it!

I'm also horrified at the sheer arrogant bullying tone of secular as well - how DARE you talk to other parents of children with ASD like that, just because you've done it that way with your child, does not make you the fucking authority on "how to bring up children with ASD" - your tone is atrocious!
All this "you should", "you're limiting them", and decrying anyone else's experience as somehow wrong - wow. SO rude.

I've cut my husband's hair for twenty years and my two teenage sons too. They go to the barbers occasionally but I'm pretty good with clippers so they still look well groomed. We're fortunate to be well off but it's convenient, easy and saves money (our barbers charge about £15 per cut). It's not something any of us feel ashamed of.

My younger dd now 19 has severe learning disabilities and ASD behaviours. I tried a salon a few times but DD always puts her hands in the way and gets distressed. No hairdresser has been happy to try to cut her hair. I'm no expert and have to try to do it myself. It has to be done at top speed. I can't see her ever going to a salon.
My other DD also has ASD but can cope with a salon. I usually let the hairdresser know in advance and they are fantastic.

I never got to go to the hairdressers and have the full experience. My mother was cheap would always cut our hair...it was alright not awful.

I felt like I always missed out, I hated I was the only one who started uni and had never had my hair cut and was amazed they wash it for you. I sounded like a right weirdo.

I think I will do a mixture with my kids, happy to cut their hair but I also don’t want them to be that child I was. Bit like a McDonald’s, don’t want to eat it at all tbh but also appreciate I don’t want them to be the child who doesn’t know what it is and misses out.

Never taken dc to the hairdressers. Ever. Not something I see as needed.
Quick trim at home. Yanbu,
But then they do not have or want to maintain a look. So it’s not needed,

There are loads of comments here of people saying it is not odd for kids with SEN.

However, if you are talking about the whole population, so those without SEN then it is unusual not to take l, especially tweens/teens, to the hairdressers.

So for you it's not odd, for many others it is odd not to take their kids.

From your description of your children it sounds like they might be limited with their self-care for the rest of their lives anyway, so you can cut their hair rather than they do it themselves.

Just to also add, fine for a trim but if someone wants a new hairstyle then a home jobby is likely to look a bit of a mess.

Only reason my eldest goes every 6-8weeks is because he prefers shorter hair. Younger one gets his cut once a year. I don't even bother with that on my own hair now. I did a wee trim to the front when I thought it looked really split mid lockdown, but tbh, long hair doesn't need cutting very often. If I had girls, I'd cut their hair quite happily. I'd cut DS2s if he needed it now it's longer, I'm just rubbish at the short back and sides style. It's not hard with longer hair to neaten it up a bit.

I hate going to the hairdressers. The small talk, the someone else washing my hair, the £45 for a trim, so I don't bother. I'd argue its not a life skill tbh! My elder sister has cut her own hair for 20 years, my younger goes probably once every 2 years to get a load lopped off and then let's it grow again. I don't remember going as a kid, it's certainly not scarred me. You've saved money tbh!

However, if you are talking about the whole population, so those without SEN then it is unusual not to take l, especially tweens/teens, to the hairdressers.

I disagree. There are loads of people saying they don’t take their tweens and teens to the hairdresser. I never took mine, and they are adult now. I actually think it’s rather odd to take a child to a hairdresser.

Fucking hell there are some insensitive bustards on here.

DD1 has severe ASD.
OP is a carer.

For those who have ASD, a salon cut is not an experience. It is a sensory overload nightmare. And an expensive one to boot.

DD2 has curly hair. Cutting curly hair is an absolute art and bog standard hairdressers have no clue about it.

Op is cutting her DDs hair and getting compliments for it. Why would anyone pay to be small talked at while you could do it at home? Do people not remember the infamous mumsnet haircut?

I might be biased, but with my own child with ASD, plus my own curly/wavy hair which no hairdresser seems to understand, I can say that Op YANBU and your friend needs to butt out.

@Girlyracer

There are loads of comments here of people saying it is not odd for kids with SEN.

However, if you are talking about the whole population, so those without SEN then it is unusual not to take l, especially tweens/teens, to the hairdressers.

So for you it's not odd, for many others it is odd not to take their kids.

From your description of your children it sounds like they might be limited with their self-care for the rest of their lives anyway, so you can cut their hair rather than they do it themselves.

Why is it unusual?