to think it's not that odd that my DDs have never been to a hairdresser ( age 10 and 13)

[NotaChocoholic]

spoke to a friend last night and we got taking about hairdressers and the lockdown and I confessed that I haven't been to a hairdresser in 14 years and neither have my DDs (10 and 13).

I got quite good over the years in cutting hair. One DD has severe ASD and would not be able to cope anyways so DIY is less stressful. My other DD and I have very curly hair and I do a lovely dry curly hair cut (much better than most hair dressers - fellow curlies will know what I mean).

My friend was aghast and thought professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing. She didn't know about me doing our hair (I must cut well if it's not that obvious). I always thought it's quite normal what I do. Fwiw, I couldn't afford it anyways (lone parents on carers allowance).

But Aibu?

I haven't been to a hairdresser since I was 11 and they gave me a horrific fringe that took years to grow out, still scarred by it. I just trim the ends frequently, I hate going and I'd rather spend money on other things.
My lo has asd and wouldn't go to the hair dressers when he was young, but did once he started school, in lockdown I bought clippers and it worked really well so he won't be going again as I think it's a great way to save money.
If people want to go to a hairdresser that's fine, if they don't then it's no one elses business. The idea that you have to prepare your kids to go to the hair dressers is absolutely ludicrous, I've managed perfectly well not going since I was 11.

The thought that a child is “missing out” by not going to the hairdressers is bonkers and sexist. My daughter hasn’t been and I wouldn’t want to encourage the idea that children should somehow enjoy being pampered. If your children are getting exercise and fresh and and being fed well and educated that’s all that matters. This is a ridiculous first world non-issue OP. Good on you for being resourceful, upskilling yourself and saving money. Those are far better skills and life experiences for your daughters to see than going to the fucking hairdressers seriously.

No it's not odd. Particularly for your asd DD. I've got aspergers and the salon environment is so stressful that I just don't go 😊
My DD is 14. She had 2 salon cuts. She recently wanted to go short and requested a barbers.
We both MUCH preferred the environment and she had a great cut. They don't waffle away, fuss nor ask questions about your life. 👍
If your non asd DD fancies a ladies salon trip, no harm in giving it a go.

Due to lockdown I can now cut my two children’s hair very well with clippers. In fact I’d say I only do a slightly worse job than the barber

If you can competently cut their hair at home then of course it's not add, especially for your DD with ASD why on earth would you pay to stress her out?

It would be very odd if I did this with my kids as I can barely blow dry their hair without making them look like they've been dragged through a bush backwards.

In relation to your child with ASD, I’d say to make your life as easy as possible. I have a child who has asd and is lower ending functioning plus learning difficulties, and haircuts were traumatic for years. Started off fine, and then got more and more difficult. Hairesser couldn’t finish one cut, despite me taking all the toys and snacks as distractions. We reassessed, and desensitised by using a baby brush, and then a small brush, for one second upwards. We then moved onto desensitising by introducing a smock for one second at a time, and then upwards, very gradually. And then a mobile hairdresser came and did haircuts at home with all the snacks and toys imaginable.

A couple of years ago, he started going to the hairdresser, and will now tolerate the clippers. He goes every 8 weeks or so.

I am amazed at it all, I would never ever have thought we would be in this position.

But there are plenty of things that he simply cannot tolerate, that maybe your child could. And so I pick my battles. If haircuts don’t work for you, then I’d say don’t stress.

My mum cut my hair for years whilst going for weekly blow dries herself! I think I first went to the hairdresser when I was about 12, and that was for dry cuts. I didn’t have a cut and blow dry until I was well into my teens. Didn’t bother me then and hasn’t made any different in adult life - I go every 7 weeks or so now.

I have a friend that used to be a hairdresser, she cuts my daughters hair for free but tbh it’s a very simple cut.

My daughter will be going to a hair dresser next year for the first time for her birthday as a treat as she’s having a bit of colour too. She will be 10.

Save your money and do it at home.

Also your comment about receptive language sort of grates on me. A child may not understand, but he/she is understanding through touch, smell, visual and environmental stimuli. You don't need to wait until his receptive language gets "better" for you to reassure him at the salon. It may never get better, but again it doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Yes I do. You clearly do not understand what I am saying but you don’t know my children. Whatever their current level of understanding is, it is not currently possible to reassure them when they are frightened. You mention visual timetables and other visual references - they do not understand these yet, although we have been using them and other visuals at home for nearly 3 years and they are used at school.

One is is also visually impaired as well as autistic. I too would struggle with a stranger coming at me with sharp scissors in a new environment when I can’t see them properly and I don’t understand what they are going to do, without someone being able to reassure me.

If and when they can understand PECS, an AAC, signing or spoken language more and I can reassure them, and when they are more comfortable with their hair being cut, I will take them to a hairdressers. Until then, they can have their hair cut at home where they feel more comfortable and where I can put things in place to make them as comfortable as possible.

My mum did mine until I was about 9, looked fine! If you can do it well enough at home that’s brilliant. I got quite good at doing DH’s and DS’ hair over lockdown with clippers and scissors, DD’s long hair definitely needs a trim but I think I’ll be fine doing that - she’s 3 and has had 2 trims at the hairdresser so far but the one I go to isn’t doing kids’ hair at the moment.

Ds is 46 and has never been to a barbers.

I entertain myself when cutting it by making comments such as "you did want a bald patch her" and "did you know the lop sided look is in fashion."

If I could cut long hair dd1 (20yo) would definitely have me doing it. DD2 loves going to have hers done at the hairdressers. Ds is 13yo and has had 2 out of the last 3 done at the barbers. He'd prefer it was done at home, but I thought he needed to try, and after the second one he doesn't mind if he has to.

Op, lots on FB about curly girl and curly hair without CGM which I tend to follow being a curly girl myself

Dh is 46, not ds!

@SinkGirl

You can do whatever you want with your children. They are not mine. I'm offering advice and you have the right to accept it or not. I know that your going through a hard time right now, but when someone else gives another perspective or challenges you, do not take it to heart and get defensive.

NameChange84

Low expectations when it comes to reading and writing. I do believe some special schools, and even mainstream schools where they have disabled children, have low expectations when it comes to teaching disabled children how to read and write. There was a petition going on about making it mandatory and part of OFSTED regulations (or whatever) for special schools to teach disabled children how to read and write-- and close monitoring of this. It is a real issue. Sadly, I've met many SEN teachers/tutors, through my line of work and most have low expectations of such children. It is very rare to meet a SEN teacher, who not only gives good quality work but has high expectations of disabled children.

@secular89 perhaps you should learn basic life skills instead of forcing your poor disabled child into situations that are highly distressing? What a sodding cow you are.

Secular

Your arrogance and ignorance is breathtaking. What a bully. Hope you feel better about yourself now you’ve kicked a few people down.

My husband cut our boys’ hair until they were 9-12 ish I suppose, and then had another period of cutting their hair during the first lock down. Maybe because they’re boys, no one ever thought anything of it.

I wouldn’t cut back on basics to save to pay someone else to do something you can do perfectly well, OP. I imagine your friend was taken aback because she hadn’t realised and then felt she had to justify herself.

I always cut and colour my own hair, I just can't afford salon cuts, which are crazy prices where we live. I've been complimented on my hair (which is highlighted and about 5cm below my collarbone). I cut DDs's bob too, she's 15, I have offered to pay for a salon for her as I don't want her to feel left out - friends Mums regularly pay for their nails and brows too, I find it astounding.

If I could cut hair I would happily do it.

I don’t think your DDs are missing out at all. If anything I think it’s great that you can do it and teach your daughters a skill that will save them a fortune when they are older.

I use to go years without going to the hairdressers, I’d colour my own hair, then one of my friends who was trained by her hairdresser sister took over for me. It’s only in the last few years I’ve started going 1 because I can afford it more 2 I like the girl who dose my hair 3 I’m getting older and need my greys sorting better than I can do it myself.

My oldest DD was 3 for her first haircut then didn’t cut it again until she was 7.

I have (had :( ) curly hair, and I cut it myself. I loathe hairdressers, and hate people fiddling with my hair. Combine that with the fact that few hairdressers by me will do a dry cut, and I'm not paying £20 to have a wet cut that looks totally different dry because they don't cut it with the curl and I'm 100%with you.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If you do a good job then it doesn't matter does it.

My hairdresser comes to the house so not a salon experience. I recently went for a cut & blow-dry it was freezing in the salon.
I understand how it is for parents of SEN DC the sensory overload of a barber/hairdressers is horrendous we had no choice but to persist with DS he pulled his hair out in clumps, DP couldn't restrain him properly for me to cut it.
We go to a specialist barber. I bring an old top on put his face in it like a sunflower so no prickly hairs fall and is blinded to the scissors.
He has managed not to cry the last 2 times the stress of hair cuts was very intense in this house.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think the one without ASD is missing out.

My dd now 14 has always loved going to the hairdressers. The whole thing. Drinks of hot chocolate, hair washes, having it dried. It can be a really pleasurable experience.

As a person with curly hair who has found ONE place that will do it for me the way I want, I heartily disagree with this. It used to cause me so much anxiety, because my hair would never ever look the way I liked when I left the salon. I hate having my hair cut now and trim it myself.

It’s neglectful not to cut and wash your child’s hair. Doing a decent job at home is not. We pay others to do almost everything for us; it’s better for humans to show competence, doing as much as we can in the household. Home cooking is often cheaper and more nutritious. Playing or walking outside is better physically than consuming more screen time. Playing with found objects or simple toys allows for imaginations. All this can help us feel better.

Perfectly fine OP! When I had short hair, I learned to cut it myself so I never went to hairdressers. Mid-length, I had to get professional help. But now I'm growing it so haven't been in at least 3 years! DD is 9 and has never had her hair cut at all, not even by me! She likes it as it is, and it looks gorgeous, so there's no need!