to think it's not that odd that my DDs have never been to a hairdresser ( age 10 and 13)

[NotaChocoholic]

spoke to a friend last night and we got taking about hairdressers and the lockdown and I confessed that I haven't been to a hairdresser in 14 years and neither have my DDs (10 and 13).

I got quite good over the years in cutting hair. One DD has severe ASD and would not be able to cope anyways so DIY is less stressful. My other DD and I have very curly hair and I do a lovely dry curly hair cut (much better than most hair dressers - fellow curlies will know what I mean).

My friend was aghast and thought professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing. She didn't know about me doing our hair (I must cut well if it's not that obvious). I always thought it's quite normal what I do. Fwiw, I couldn't afford it anyways (lone parents on carers allowance).

But Aibu?

My mum cut mine. Then I did. Went to a hairdresser for first time in uni.

Dd has been once or twice, but as she only needs a trim (wavy, long) i do it. Ds has to go to a barber cos his hair is thick and abundant and I don't know where to start. I go to hairdresser regularly.

My DS was 16 the first time he went to a barber. Always cut it myself till then. My daughter was probably the same age but has still only been to a hairdresser maybe 3 or 4 times. I cut and dye it for her otherwise. It's just so expensive otherwise!

I think you should take your daughters to a hairdresser a few times before they leave home to live away from you, as you won’t be able to cut their hair forever. If you don’t, you are leaving them without the skills to know what to do in a hairdresser/how they work, which is embarrassing, and you are dooming them to a year or two of terrible curly haired haircuts just as they are striking out on their own and probably most aware of their appearance and have least money - teach them what to ask for and what not to accept now!
For context, I hadn’t gone to a hairdresser until I went to uni and my new friends were so appalled to find this out that a few weeks in they all took me to one enmasse, which was kind but made me stick out as the weird/unworldly/deprived one just as I was trying to make a new identity at uni and fit in.

I’m not keen on hairdressers either. DS has autism and used to be petrified of haircuts. We have got to the stage he will tolerate it though. for girls I think it’s easier just to leave it longer. Dd has only been a couple times she’s 5, nearly 6.

I have fine curly hair, and have always cut it myself. I've only been to a hairdressers once, when I was a bridesmaid and had no choice. That was in 1964. It was horrific, she didn't have a clue, my fringe was 2inches above my eyebrows.

Crack on OP, do whatever suits you, no one knows your kids as well as you do.

I think you should take your daughters to a hairdresser a few times before they leave home to live away from you

I am sure curly DD will figure it out herself. and my daughter with ASD will never leave home. You are the third posters who assumes that DD will fly the nest. Why can people not comprehend that this isn't reality for this with severe low functioning ASD?

My Mum’s a hairdresser so she’s always done it, they’ve never been inside a hairdressing salon. DS gets his done at the barbers with DH.

Unusual maybe, but not strange. If you can do a good job yourself, then why give money to someone else to do it? Your DD (the one who doesn't have ASD) may enjoy the hairdresser experience but that's something she can choose to do when she's older, if she wishes.

For context, I hadn’t gone to a hairdresser until I went to uni and my new friends were so appalled to find this out that a few weeks in they all took me to one enmasse, which was kind but made me stick out as the weird/unworldly/deprived one just as I was trying to make a new identity at uni and fit in

Whats to learn though really?

Besides " no i dont want any of your overpriced fancy shampoo and serums "

And " ill call you when I want another appointment i cant book it now "

Thumbwitches I could have written your post, word for word. Apart from the 10 years bit.

Bloody hell not unreasonable at all - l never went to a hairdresser til l was about 15 and wanted a total restyle. I do take my dd but only cos l can't do it myself!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think the one without ASD is missing out.

My dd now 14 has always loved going to the hairdressers. The whole thing. Drinks of hot chocolate, hair washes, having it dried. It can be a really pleasurable experience.

@NotaChocoholic well.. it can be a pleasurable experience. Not about to say that other people don't enjoy it because obviously some people do. But I'm another home-haircut type and part of the reason for that is disliking the hairdressers, cuts that weren't great, or actually have come out horribly wrong and finding the whole blowdrying experience and being forced to sit in a chair a total PITA. DD got taken to the hairdressers as a treat and whilst she liked going, I still wound up redoing the ends, because it hadn't been cut very well and once home, it was obvious.

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

I would have loved to have my mum cut my hair, I’m NT and going to the hairdressers was always an experience I genuinely hated and at 33 I now cut and dye my own hair and haven’t set foot into a hairdresser since I was 18. Mobile hairdressers also work out really well for me, I have 2 who I’m ok with and get them to do special occasion cuts.

The romantic notion of “girls love hairdressers, the hot chocolate, the pampering” isn’t true for every girl! I’d probably give you NT daughter the option of going as she grows up and maybe wants to experiment with cuts and colours but there’s nothing wrong with cutting their hair yourself... think of the money you’ve saved!

Absolutely this!

I’m also neurotypical and have always absolutely detested going to the hairdressers. I’m mixed race, had stunning hair as a child and always had to put up with teasing from hairdressers every time I was forced to go - usually comments about chopping it all off or brushing all the curls out so my hair would look ridiculous and they could have a good laugh at my expense or worse, comments about my race itself.

It’s not part of being a child or being a woman that you would or should automatically enjoy “pampering” (I fucking hate that word). I’m as “girly” and “feminine” as you get and I hate haircuts and beauty treatments in salons. I find them tedious, stressful, the opposite of relaxing. I definitely wouldn’t have “missed out” as a child had my parents cut my hair instead. I’d have missed out on a lot of horrible experiences to be honest. I’ve had skin reactions to facials before important events, been sent on holiday with half an eyebrow missing, uneven haircuts at important times, 12 inches of hair cut of when I specifically said trim, layers when I didn’t want layers, a fringe I didn’t ask for etc etc

If you can do a fantastic home cut, especially on curly hair which you have to search high and low and pay £££ for a decent hairdresser for AND your kids are happy then it’s an absolute no brainer to ignore your weird friends and do what you are.

When I was at school, there was a really weird woman who used to berate other parents for not scheduling their daughters haircuts for every 6 to 8 weeks, calling it neglectful and saying girls with long hair looked really unkempt and it was wrong to be “fussing” with French plaits and ponytails and girls should have “wash and go cuts”. She’d literally ask my mother when my next appointment was every week and harass her to book one to have my hair cut short and tell her that I needed booked in by the next time she saw us and while we were there to arrange the next one for 6 weeks time so that my hair wouldn’t get “neglected”. Her two girls had the ugliest super short bob and page boy bowl cuts I’ve ever seen, she made them look bizarre. I’m sure she thought regular salon visits were of absolute importance but I’m sure her poor miserable daughters felt very differently.

NotaChocoholic - I’m sorry I misspoke. I did read your first post and got from it that you have one neurotypical daughter (who presumably will leave home) and one daughter with ASD. I didn’t want to make an assumption that she wouldn’t ever live away from you as I have several adult friends with ASD who do live independent lives - obviously not as severely affected.

Whatwouldscullydo - I found there was a lot to navigate: I’d never heard of having your hair washed backwards in a sink, for example, and I didn’t know even basic terms for different styles and techniques so I didn’t understand what the hairdresser was suggesting and couldn’t describe my own ideas. I had never heard of any hair products other than all in one shampoo and conditioner so that was baffling too. I’d never seen hair straighteners or someone drying their hair with a round brush. I didn’t know how to drink my tea when I was supposed to be sitting still for the cut. Etc.

I have dyspraxia and haven’t been to a hair salon in many years. I always found it a complete sensory nightmare. Even if the salon is quiet, it has bright lights, mirrors everywhere and every sound echos loudly. I can’t bear the feeling of anything near my neck and they always want to put a horrible scratchy nylon overall over you with either a heavy neck thing or towel over the top. I don’t like anyone touching my head so couldn’t manage the backwash in their sink. I hate the sound and heat of the hairdryer so would always leave with wet hair. @NotaChocoholic going to a hair salon is definitely not essential in any way!

Keep doing exactly what you are doing, you are doing a great job for your DDs

I don’t see a problem with this OP. I have 4DD’s and used to cut their hair all the time. I am quite adept to cutting hair in a straight line so I’ve never needed a hair dresser to do it for them. Older DD is 17 now with a short cut which involved clippers and all sorts so I take her to the hairdresser for that as my capabilities don’t stretch that far my DD’s hair has always looked tidy when I’ve cut it and I’ve likely saved a lot of money over the years so I’ve no regrets! You are not doing them a disservice by not taking them to the hairdressers OP. Especially with an ASD DC.

You must be doing a good job if your friend was surprised when you told her. Why waste money if you can do it yourself and don’t enjoy going to the hairdresser anyway?

How do you do the dry curly cut?

We had a home hairdresser growing up. Felt a bit uncomfortable the first couple of times I went to a salon, but I got over it. With the reasons you've given - asd, finances, that you can do a great job yourself - it seems absolutely the right choice.

Maybe if finances allow and she would like to, it would be nice to take curly-haired DD once during her teenage years for a treat, so that she's had that experience.

Your dd with asd doesn't ever need to go to a salon, really, so no need to painfully acclimatise her. Plenty of adults either cut their own hair, get a partner to do it, or get a mobile hairdresser. If that suits her best, great.

Hardly any of that is difficult to work out though.

I mean unless you dance around drinking your tea you are surely sitting still at the time ?

There's more than one type of shampoo at a petrol garage or newsagents you would have to have literally been locked up in a cave with no books or TV fir decades to have no idea that wash and go was not the only shampoo ever.

And you can research what hair cut you want before you go. I mean frankly its best to anyway. I still have no idea what most terms are and I always go in knowing what I want or they will try talk you into allsorts .

I'm sure a girl look on YouTube will sort out most those problems

(I haven’t rtft but I don’t think I need to to respond)
I always went to the hairdresser and thought everyone else did unless they shaved their head.
I think it’s great you have learned this skill and I’m slightly jealous.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think the one without ASD is missing out.

My dd now 14 has always loved going to the hairdressers. The whole thing. Drinks of hot chocolate, hair washes, having it dried. It can be a really pleasurable experience.

It can also be a really stressful and upsetting experience when you have curly hair and it becomes clear that the hairdresser has absolutely no idea how to actually cut curly hair...

My Dd18 has curly hair, she has been to a hairdresser three times in her life and each time, she has ended up in tears.

Last time, it was £60 essentially for a wash, a tiny bit off of the length, too much product and leaving the salon with the obligatory still damp hair if you refuse to have your hair blow dried straight.

I've cut my own curly hair for years for this reason and it is why I usually do Dd's too.

Honestly, OP - I wouldn’t worry about it. Your friend sounds a bit narrow minded to me; everyone has their own lives and things that are perfectly normal to them (which may not be to others). My good friend thinks it’s “odd” (to use your friend’s term) that we haven’t taken our kids to a Chinese restaurant; I think it’s “odd” that she hasn’t taken hers to the theatre. But different things are important to us - she loves food and I love the arts. If my DD said she’d really like to try Chinese food, then we would look to take her. Presumably if your DDs really fancied going to a hair salon, they would tell you - and it’s then something you could look to treat them to. I wouldn’t worry - sounds like you have something which works for you and your girls.

I am PMSL at people calling learning how to go to a hairdresser a “life skill” 🙄

The most “life skill” element for your oldest daughter, is for you to explain to her that just because someone calls themselves a hairdresser - doesn’t mean they can do a good cut on curly hair. Always go by recommendation.

It’s not unusual for children not to have gone to a hairdresser. I think it’s a minority for a NT 13yo, but - so what?

I certainly wouldn’t be wasting money on it as a “nice experience”. I personally think that in terms of life skills, indoctrinating a young girl that someone else washing your hair for you and giving you a hot chocolate = treat, is doing them a disservice. That’s the start of paying through the nose for something that really isn’t worth it. Men seem to be able to get there treats without paying a fortune for their hair. That’s partly because a short hair cut is quicker to do. But it’s also because they don’t fall for this nonsense that getting your hair cut is a treat - so they’re not interested in paying £5 more because someone gave them a hot chocolate that cost 50p.

That’s your life skill right there: value for money.

With you OP have spent the same time at home cutting my own hair( and colouring it too) Have a phobia of HD .Have saved so much cash as well! My niece asked where I got my hair done!

@halcyondays

You must be doing a good job if your friend was surprised when you told her. Why waste money if you can do it yourself and don’t enjoy going to the hairdresser anyway?

How do you do the dry curly cut?

Google videos of DIY Deva cut. Lots is there. Depending a bit on your hair structure but totally doable!