to think it's not that odd that my DDs have never been to a hairdresser ( age 10 and 13)

[NotaChocoholic]

spoke to a friend last night and we got taking about hairdressers and the lockdown and I confessed that I haven't been to a hairdresser in 14 years and neither have my DDs (10 and 13).

I got quite good over the years in cutting hair. One DD has severe ASD and would not be able to cope anyways so DIY is less stressful. My other DD and I have very curly hair and I do a lovely dry curly hair cut (much better than most hair dressers - fellow curlies will know what I mean).

My friend was aghast and thought professionally groomed hair is part of a 'proper' upbringing. She didn't know about me doing our hair (I must cut well if it's not that obvious). I always thought it's quite normal what I do. Fwiw, I couldn't afford it anyways (lone parents on carers allowance).

But Aibu?

We all have curly hair here and we never go to the hairdresser either. I cut all our hair. People always tell us how lucky we are to have such lovely hair so I don't think the children are missing out.

Fwiw, I dislike it when parents try to force the stressful experiences of going to a salon on their disabled children just because it is seen as the 'norm'. Dreadful parenting

I can't cut hair. I'm sorry. I just cannot. Taking care of your hair is integral
In my culture. We found a great person who did one of our DC's hair. He was brilliant. We did things in small bites, and prolonged the duration of the hair cutting experience. It was worth it because at age 13, he does all these cool things to his hair and manages the salon very very well. He loves it. It relaxes him.

I don't care what's norm. I don't care what other people do to their children. But my aim in life is for my all my DC's to become independent.

Think it was more normal back when I was growing up in the 80’s, not to, and for the parents to do it. But now seems to have become one of those things people go “oooohhh you must do this because I do, and therefore everyone must do it things”. If you’re not giving your kids a bad haircut, there’s nothing wrong with it at all.

My kids don't go to the hairdresser either. YouTube is your friend when it comes to haircuts. I've got quite good at it. I don't think going to the hairdresser's is up there in life's top ten experiences personally.

I don't think it is that unusual with girls under the circumstances, boys are lots younger visiting the barber.
I trimmed the ends of DD's long stunning blonde haur until she decided it had to go, she was 10 on her first visit now she has it done regularly as she prefers it short.
She'd nails down twice under 10 it was a nice experience for her.

And by the way, I don’t need to take my twins to a hairdresser to understand how they would respond to being at a hairdresser. I am intelligent enough to look at how they react to the having their hair cut, and add in how they react to noisy environments, and other situations where people have to get up close to them to do things to their bodies (after many ophthalmology appointments, being weighed and measured, BP and temperature checks, etc etc).

I am not limiting them - I am respecting the fact that some things are difficult and distressing for them and not forcing unnecessary distress on them. If they need a blood test, they need a blood test and I’ll try to make that as bearable as possible. If they need a haircut I’ll get someone round so that they can hopefully gradually get used to that being done and are therefore less afraid when we go into a noisy hairdressers one day, hopefully by which time their receptive language is improved so I can explain things to them and reassure them.

You have absolutely no idea the lengths I go to in order to try to expose them to new things gently without causing them to be frightened. If I took them to a hairdressers now, it would be a massive setback when they are gradually getting used to having haircuts at home.

Your post has made me extremely angry and upset - it’s hard enough being judged by people, if you have a disabled child yourself I hope you would understand that what works for one will not works for others, and that you wouldn’t criticise parents you don’t know for doing things differently to you. I would have hoped the experience would teach you that our experiences are not universal, but apparently you missed that lesson.

I don't care what's norm. I don't care what other people do to their children. But my aim in life is for my all my DC's to become independent.

that is brilliant but you surely understand that not every disabled child has the potential to live independently

Not weird, no, but I do think that as the DD without special needs (except for curly hair) gets older, it would be nice to try to be able to afford to let her go if she wants to. Rightly or wrongly, image is very important to teenage girls.

my kids have never been and have the most georgous curly hair.

I go maybe once a year max (longer since lockdown) and always regret it instantly, no matter where I go or what I ask for (I have had £100+ hair cuts and £9 basic haircuts) they always give me an awful fucking bob... I look like a potato with a bob cut and it takes forever to grow out again.

I've been horrified lately by how much hairdressers are charging. Its very difficult where I live to find an ordinary salon doing a plain cut for less than £50 or £60.

Fine if you want to spend it but I just have long hair, so now I just get my mum to cut it. She does a tidy job.

DS has curly hair & we cut his at home too. Waste of money sending him to a hairdresser.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think the one without ASD is missing out.

My dd now 14 has always loved going to the hairdressers. The whole thing. Drinks of hot chocolate, hair washes, having it dried. It can be a really pleasurable experience.

Of course it’s a pleasurable experience, but it’s ok for children to experience it for the first time as adults. Kids don’t tend to go to day spas or get pedicures either. I remember my first experiences of those things and I’m glad that they happened when I was a young adult.

that is brilliant but you surely understand that not every disabled child has the potential to live independently

He may never be fully independent in the "normal" sense. But I will give and teach him the tools to make him as independent as possible- or as far as he can go. I will never put limits on any of my DC's. Disability or no disability.

SinkGirl As a former teacher in SEN schools, you are doing a fantastic job and know your children better than anyone. Please ignore the disgusting comments from one poster with extremely poor insight, lack of empathy and low levels of understanding regarding SEN and disability and the fact that every child is different. Hold your head high in the knowledge that you sound like a wonderful, intuitive and grounded mother .

@secular89

I’m not going to force them into situations that distress them and upset everyone around them, including them, the hairdresser, any other customers and myself

SinkGirl, when someone gives you advice. Don't get defensive. If you are usually like this, no one will tell how you they really feel.

But from your comment above, are you telling me that you will never expose your child to a stressful situation? DC's hates having a blood tests, but he needs to get them done. We do things in small bites, we sought a play therapist who gave me tools how to manage DC's blood test anxiety/sensory needs etc.

I believe all children, included those with disabilities,are entitled to experience all life's opportunities (if they are able to). Children like ours are more vulnerable to abuse. The more independent your child is, the less likely the abuse. He/she may not be independent, in the typical sense, but give him the tools to become independent. If he is non verbal, give him other tools to communicate with, make adaptions in your home, teach him things in small bites etc.

Christ, I hadn’t seen this when I commented further. You just get worse don’t you. I am not at fault here, you are - if you’re always like this then I’m amazed anyone speaks to you at all. I don’t need your “advice” thanks.

And yes, of course I have to expose my children to medical tests and examinations, frequently. As I already explained, DT2 needed a procedure so we had to find a way to make it bearable for him, which is exactly what I’m doing with their haircuts.

Do you think we are not trying to teach other forms of communication? We had two years of play therapy. Sounds like you think what works for your child will work for all - you can’t possibly be that naive.

Mam0918

I've been really unimpressed the last 2 or 3 cuts I had. They dont do a proper blow dry either! If I'm spending £60 I want a proper blow dry, round brush, in layers.

@NameChange84

SinkGirl As a former teacher in SEN schools, you are doing a fantastic job and know your children better than anyone. Please ignore the disgusting comments from one poster with extremely poor insight, lack of empathy and low levels of understanding regarding SEN and disability and the fact that every child is different. Hold your head high in the knowledge that you sound like a wonderful, intuitive and grounded mother .

Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. I’m feeling quite fragile after a very difficult Christmas day with my boys, and this has really upset me.

They have recently started a specialist school are are making wonderful progress in relative terms - I am really hopeful that these things are in our future but only if I handle it correctly.

Sorry OP, didn’t mean to derail!

I wish someone in my household could cut my hair.

I haven't been for two years, it's really long, desperately needs a cut. I do normally only go once a year anyway, but then I've not fancied it this year with covid etc. I enjoyed it getting longer, to a point, but I'm definitely past that point now!

I have curly wiry hair. Almost all Indian / Pakistani / Bangladeshi / Middle Eastern / African hairdressers (inside beauticians) know how to cut curly hair. That’s why they offer dry cuts and dry style options. Costs me £10 to get mine cut.

I didnt ever get my hair cut at the hair dressers until I was 16. I always wanted to but my mum wouldnt pay and cut it herself.

I'm not someone who gets my hair cut often, 3 times a year usually and it's a lovely treat. I already take my 5yo to give her a bit of pampering. Hers costs £6 and mine £22 for cut and blow drys

@SinkGirl

I wasn't judging you . All of our experiences are not universal. But from your posts, it reads that you haven't taken your child to a hairdresser before due to fears that he/she won't cope. You may be right.. but you need to try. Again. I see that as limiting a child. Also your comment about receptive language sort of grates on me. A child may not understand, but he/she is understanding through touch, smell, visual and environmental stimuli. You don't need to wait until his receptive language gets "better" for you to reassure him at the salon. It may never get better, but again it doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

We are all doing our bests. But I think, some parents of children with disabilities, unintentionally put limits on their children (even if they are doing it for the child's best interests). When my DC's were younger, I was a single, broke poor mother. My DC with Autism hated supermarkets, hated it, every meltdown. It would have been easy to just leave him at home when I go out shopping, but I couldn't . I could have done online shopping, but back then, online shopping was ludicrous expensive for delivery and I would rather use the £6.00 delivery charge to buy additional food for my DC's. Instead, he had to come out with us, his receptive language was 0, but I used pictures, I did a visual timetable, I did video modelling xyz and over time, he became accustomed to it and he began to develop a love of shopping.

I’d say it’s unusual for a child without additional needs to not go the hairdressers as they get older. This is more to do with ability of parents to cut hair well. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I do find it odd. Do you have anxiety about going to the hairdresser?

NameChange84 No offence. But you being a former SEN teacher has no bearing on your status. I do think some SEN teachers have very low expectations of children with disabilities. But that's another thread. I do believe that people in your profession are a part of the problem. Not only that, I've seen a number of low-level abusive incidents from when I used to work at special schools, which would no way happen at a mainstream schools as the neurotypical children will report back to mum or dad.

Surely odd would be no hair maintenance at all. Not just , not spending ££ on going somewhere that may not be great with autistic children or curly hair ....

@secular89

NameChange84 No offence. But you being a former SEN teacher has no bearing on your status. I do think some SEN teachers have very low expectations of children with disabilities. But that's another thread. I do believe that people in your profession are a part of the problem. Not only that, I've seen a number of low-level abusive incidents from when I used to work at special schools, which would no way happen at a mainstream schools as the neurotypical children will report back to mum or dad.

WOW.

How very DARE you. Stop attacking parents of children with SEN and Disabilities. You are coming across as a vicious bully.

Whilst I’d agree that children and adults with disabilities and SEN are more likely to sadly be vulnerable to abuse, the schools and charities I worked with were amongst the finest in the world. We would NEVER have accepted abuse of a child in any way shape or form.

And I’m part of the problem? Limiting children?

We took them skydiving, to Walt Disney World in Florida, we educated paralympians, world champion swimmers, helped the kids with Down Syndrome and HFA get jobs at the Council Offices, run their own Cafe, become agricultural and veterinary workers, or gardeners, they performed on Children In Need, Glastonbury, for royalty, with celebrities, some modelled, others got acting and spokesperson jobs on TV, we taught them the life skills they needed, helped them move into flats, were present at their weddings and so on and so forth. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of and I would never harm, abuse or institutionalise and “limit” any child beyond their capabilities.

You are one nasty piece of work. That’s for certain.